Unhappy woman in an abusive relationship

25th December 2015

Another Christmas success! Uncle Ken and Auntie Sue came along with Granny Helen and Granny Dee. Auntie Rosalin couldn’t make it though – she got up too late after going to bed in the early hours of the morning. That was a shame – I love it when she comes.

Four hours in the kitchen yesterday and five today and I daresay another two hours for clearing up before I go to bed. Between my sister, my mum and I, we managed to cook roast beef, roast lamb and roast chicken with all of the trimmings. I made sure everyone left room for dessert though – what’s the point in looking forward to the main course if you have nothing to look forward to afterwards? My cheesecake and jam roly poly went down a treat, everyone was raving about them and had seconds! I’m gonna have to make even bigger ones next year so I have some left over for myself for the next day. It was nice to see the family all around the table again though.

Except for when all the good things came on TV – could you get them to shut up? I gave up straining my ears after a while and waited for visitors to leave before watching everything all over again. Downton Abbey definitely deserved to be watched in peace and quiet. I’m so sad it’s finally over. I cried buckets! At least it had a happy ending. I did too much stuffing though – I’m uncomfortably bloated. Should never have eaten both desserts. Oh well. I’ll never be that greedy again.

26th December 2015

Hit the sales. I did bravely do battle with the other fearsome shoppers! The queues were long – they snaked around corners. I was waiting to pay for hours! At least I wasn’t working in the retail sales like last time. The poor staff – they looked like the walking dead! I still remember that feeling and it would ruin my whole Christmas lol. Maybe I should be like my sister and just get everything online instead. But at least I got most of what I wanted. I got a lovely green dress. I’ve been giving it the glad eye for weeks now and tried it on before but I’ve eaten so much lately I hope it still fits. It will look perfect for Tuesday!

I’m getting lots of sleep and am beautifying lots and lots – I’m determined to look my best. I might even meet someone. It’s about time. I’m fed up of reading about romance in books – I want it to happen to me for a change. Nearly all of my friends are with someone and a lot of them have had kids already. And you know the situation is getting ridiculous when your parents are commenting about it – Mum even offered to set me up on a date with her friend’s son! CRINGE!!!! And now my little sister has a partner. If Lady Edith in Downton Abbey can get her happy ending then so can I. Still haven’t decided what to do with my hair though. Hmmm…

28th December 2015

Yes Diary – I know I missed you yesterday. I’m just too busy to write everyday. Trying to find the right job is proving difficult. I’m attempting two applications a day, even in the festive period. I have definitely decided I don’t want to be a solicitor though, but apart from that I’m not 100% sure what I want to go into. But I’ve got lots of skills from my law degrees and legal training so hopefully I should be able to find something. It’s a bit frustrating, I have a few rejection letters and emails, but most organisations don’t even bother getting back to me. I won’t let that stop me though! I will keep making my applications and see if something turns up and take it from there. Something in London – central London – would be ideal! It’s so beautiful! Not long to go now with any luck – a new career in 2016 – keeping my fingers and toes crossed!

I admit I have had my head too firmly engrossed in books – whether fantasy or academic for too long. I don’t want any more years to pass me by. Yes I have good qualifications, but it isn’t the be-all-and-end-all. I want to live! I’m not in my twenties anymore. Do I have a fantasy perception of what a relationship is? I suppose I do. No, there won’t be a knight in shining armour to sweep me off of my feet, but I do have standards. I’ll just have to make them realistic. Somehow.

I got new shoes for tomorrow. I decided to change them last minute. I’ve now bought cute little black ballerina style shoes which will look gorgeous with some thin black tights. It has been raining heavily on and off for days now. I don’t want my hair to frizz – that will never do and the wind is too strong for my umbrella to protect it. I’ll prepare my hair tonight and style it accordingly for tomorrow. I really want to wear it out with lovely curls if it isn’t raining, but I have a back-up protective style just in case it does.

29th December 2015

Tonight’s the night! I’m going out with a few of my girlfriends later on to Storm Nightclub in Leicester Square. I haven’t seen Chantal, Rae and Perry since our uni days together. I’ve checked different weather apps on my phone, my laptop, my tablet and watched the weather forecast both on Sky News and BBC News. Even though it is raining now – I have been assured it won’t be later. RESULT! I’ll take my umbrella just in case though.

I’m leaving in an hour at 7pm. Okay. Got to get ready now…


Tonight was wonderful! I’ve been grinning like a Cheshire cat all night. I swear people must think I am crazy lol! I met a really nice guy, and not even in the club like I was hoping for. ON THE TRAIN!!! And to think I didn’t even notice him properly when I sat down – I really need to be more observant! – I got out my book like I usually do and got really stuck into it. I’ve got to a brilliant section in Steven Erikson’s ‘Deadhouse Gates’. It was only after ten minutes when I looked around that I saw him staring at me smiling. He was sitting diagonally opposite from me. I got all shy (why when I’m trying to find someone?!) and tried to focus on my book, occasionally plucking up the courage to steal a fleeting glance at him. He caught me every time and once even started laughing at my ridiculous behaviour – embarrassing!

We both got off at Charing Cross. I shouldn’t have stood up so early before the train went over Hungerford Bridge to wait at the train door. He stood right by me and I was too nervous to say anything. He’s very tall and strong! I just kept my eyes firmly fixed on Big Ben growing larger in the distance as we approached the station.

When we disembarked he actually spoke to me! I couldn’t believe it. He said I have ‘the smile of an angel’. Really? I didn’t know people still used such cheesy chat up lines. But it was nice coming from him. We made small talk through the ticket machines to the outside of the station where the taxi rank is. Then he said he liked me and would love to get to know me but didn’t want to step on anybody’s toes if I already had a partner. Aww – how considerate! He actually asked me for my number…and…drumroll… I gave it to him!! He gave me his – he had it written down already on a piece of paper in his pocket. This is unheard of behaviour from me – I don’t usually give my number to strangers but he seems really nice and he would be perfect so start the New Year with. What the hell – I’m not getting any younger! Why not take the chance? Have I found ‘the one’??? I’m getting too ahead of myself but I’m soooo excited! I won’t call him though or text – if he’s really interested he can call me. I don’t want to seem desperate.

Storm Nightclub was really good. It was nice getting together with the girls. We decided to eat in a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown first and then on to our main destination. Storm Nightclub is lovely! It was my first time there – and it definitely won’t be my last. They have a really good selection of R&B and hip-hop beats. My friends didn’t believe me about my encounter until I showed them his number. They actually looked relieved! I suppose I have been that bad in the dating department lol. Chantal has been trying to match-make me for years with no success. No one seems to have been right until now. There’s hope for me yet! We danced until my feet hurt and then we got a taxi home.

His name is Marcus. I really hope he calls.

30th December 2015

Haven’t heard anything yet. Has he gone off of me? What if he accidentally deleted my number? Maybe he is playing it cool like I am? Maybe he’s busy? I’ve done another two job applications – they have been a welcome distraction. I can’t believe the year is nearly over all ready! Overall it’s been pretty good. I’m certain the best is yet to come. I’m not sure what to do about tomorrow though. I’ve been invited to two parties – one by my mum’s friend and the other by my cousin. I would like to see the fireworks display in central London but I think it’s too late to get a ticket now – so that’s probably out of the question. I’ll probably get a few nibbles and bring in the New Year with my parents and sister at home. I’ll decide tomorrow.

31st December 2015

It’s the last day of 2015! Most of the shops closed early, but I got some really good party food from Marks and Spencers – it was manic in there – especially when some food items were discounted. Watched Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith yet again. It is definitely my favourite in the saga, followed closely by the new one Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. Anakin Skywalker is my favourite character in the whole thing. It’s a shame he turned into evil Darth Vader. I wonder if his wife’s circumstances and the falling for Emperor Palpatine’s manipulations converted him to the dark side, or whether he was inherently evil and hid his true nature for all of those years? Maybe it was a mixture? It’s not really black and white but rather shades of grey. Gosh – I really need to get back to reality lol! Well it’s one hour to go until the New Year. Still no word from train guy. I’ll make the first move then and text him at midnight. There’s no harm in saying happy New Year. It’s up to him to decide whether he wants to respond or not.

1st January 2016

Happy New Year to me! It’s the first day of the year and the first day of the rest of my life. This is going to be a brilliant year – I can feel it. Nothing is going to stop me from achieving my goals. I’ve renewed my gym membership – yes I know I’ve given it up many times before and I ended up wasting a lot of money. But that is all in the past. I am more focussed now. I’m a woman on a mission. I’ve even taken up piano lessons again. Why did I ever stop something I loved and was so good at? I’m very rusty with months of no practice and my wrists cramp trying to play Chopin’s ‘Revolutionary Study’ but that is only to be expected. I can hardly simply pick up where I left. With any luck, if I practice everyday, I might be able to take my Licentiate in piano performance in the summer next year. It’s not going to be easy, but I should have taken it years ago. One more year of playing the same pieces over and over and over again…

2nd January 2016

I’m going to get out more. I’ve even booked for next week to do speed-dating at the pub in Greenwich. It’s not my ideal way to find a guy, but it works for some people so why not me? At least I’m being proactive. I’ve pushed train boy from my thoughts. I won’t try him again. He’s not interested. It’s his loss so my friends tell me, but I can hear in their voices over the phone that they are disappointed. Anyway – he’s soooooo last year and there’s no point getting all worked up over a 14 minute encounter (why am I so precise?). I don’t even know him properly! Hopefully I will hear soon from the relevant HR teams about the applications I did over the festive period. I hope at least one contains some good news!

3rd January 2016

Today has been a pleasantly surprising day. Train boy texted me today. Marcus texted me ‘Happy New Year’ with a smiley face. Who knew three words could make me feel so happy! I feel like a kid all over again. And to top it off, I’ve been invited to a first-round interview with a prestigious company in two weeks. It’s time to start practising for those awful eTray exercises and verbal reasoning tests etc. Ooh – he’s just text me as I’m writing. He would LIKE TO MEET ME SOMETIME THIS WEEK!!! Wow – dreams do really come true!

I’m on my way 🙂


What happens next??? Stay tuned for Chapter 2…



  • Does the writer seem desperate in her search for love?
  • Is she searching for the right reasons?


Credits: Original Picture by GraphicStock

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