Who Am I?

Deep inside, I believe, I’m still just me. The me I’ve always been.

My core foundation of passion for the loves in my life, the comfort of peace, and compassion for others, putting others before me … that’s me, that is what drives me.

What is it about me and canines that the ones I’m attracted to will be the ones destroyed because they are considered un-adoptable. Dogs that growl if you get too close. Dogs that growl viciously if they are made to feel cornered.

Dogs that cower and back away when you slowly raise your hand just to give affection. Those are the dogs who need me. There’s a certain level that dogs and I relate on. The last dog I rescued was from a sign I found hand-written at a grocery store. No photo, but it stated it was a German Shepherd, about five years old, that they needed to get rid of. I’m not sure what it was, but there was something about what they wrote that had me calling them from the store.

We agreed to meet on neutral ground since I had a male, too, and it’s difficult to have two males get along. My other male was also a rescue, now deceased, but the most amazing canine I ever knew. My son held his leash, and knew to pull him out of harms way if any aggression developed. They drove up and parked right next to my car.

When they let the dog out, my heart sank. I had never seen such a defeated, depressed, or lost-looking Shepherd in all my years. An extremely proud breed without showing an ounce of that pride. There was no bounce in his step, his head hung down, as did his tail.

We let the dogs stand face-to-face, and while squatting next to them, stroking both of their heads, and whispering back and forth to each of them, my overriding thought was that I needed to rescue that dog right there, so he would not have to go back with them. I had originally told them I would not be taking him without at least a night to think about it, so I needed to back-pedal so I could take him.

We walked back over to the cars, and then an experience that none of us were even remotely prepared for, took place. As we both opened our car doors, their dog immediately jumped into my car and had no intention of getting out. They expressed a lot of surprise, but to me, I felt it showed that he and I had passed the first hurdle … I did not want to leave there without him, and he wanted to leave there with us.

That told me that he had saw and felt something different, and he sensed something that I did. He had obviously been the victim of extensive, senseless abuse by very cruel humans. How these things usually end up, is that the dogs pay with their lives because of human arrogance and stupidity.

Do dogs define me?

What does it say about a person who has a very close connection and driving compassion for creatures, other species, that were tormented, abused and so mistreated by cold-hearted humans — my sympathy and compassion for abused and scared canines, and the joy I get from seeing them become happy, loving creatures … that’s me. That’s a passion. I’m still just me.

But most everyone who has known me has been made to believe I’m some ‘thing’ equivalent to, or even less than scum. But I don’t know what. I’m a pariah to those people who used to be the closest to me, blood-relatives because … instead of thinking on their own, they find it easier to allow the self-anointed, maliciously-deceptive, evil manipulator to tell them how they should think. And if you agree with every one else, you’re a shoe-in to be accepted into the group. Who wants to be a lone, critical-thinker, when you can be in the group of shallow followers.

I cannot see anything when I try to see a future. Sometimes, well most of the time, my pain, loneliness, and sadness are almost unbearable. I don’t want to die, but life becomes so painful that you begin to see it as the lesser of two evils.

As of right now, I’ve been awake for 28 hours, after sleeping for 14 hours, and prior to that I was awake for 59 hours.

I have been surrounded and destroyed by some of the most evil-driven people I could have ever imagined, and worse, they ‘were’ family. I can’t consider them family anymore, other than biologically. My own siblings laughed while they did some of the most maliciously-evil acts against me. I am all alone in this world. And the feeling I get from that previous sentence itself simply rips my heart out.

And all the evil, malicious, and sinister people continue to laugh and thrive.

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NOTE: This post was written in 2010 during one of my darkest times. This goes to show that no matter how dark your tunnel gets, don’t lose hope. There is a faint, twinkling light in front of you waiting to glow.

4 thoughts on “Who Am I?

  1. I’m so happy for you Larry. Happy that this post is old and you look back now from a brighter place. I was worried about you then. I remember you were holding on by a thread. What interests me is what kept you with us. I didn’t know how to help. It was so dark. You were mad at me because I sent the police to your house. Anyway, one day at a time. And today is a good day. I have no excuse to wallow in self pity. It could always be worse. But back to German Shepherds. I always had Shepherds and Labs. Loyal and SMART for sure. Animals are a good judge. In spite of it all, you are still just you. I never understood how anyone could not be kind to a pet. I always knew you were a good and caring person. Let’s not worry about those that can’t see it.

    • Thank you my dear friend Carol.

      Having about six patrol cars in front of my house didn’t make me mad, it showed me that someone really cared. But I knew the rules and didn’t open the door. That’s where they get you … they own you then. They sure tried to get me to invite them in, though.

      I’ve had some extremely dark times over the years, and some very recently. Like going to doctors for vital organ problems, who tend to seem clueless. But there’s virtually nothing one can do to shake free from the darkness (except the right drugs, and doctors won’t prescribe them. ) As an example, they tell me that I can no longer take OTC pain meds, such as ibuprofen, acetaminophen, and aspirin (because of the danger they pose to our vital organs) But they won’t prescribe more effective and safer pain meds because they say they’re prone to dependancy.

      I was on them throughout the 2000s and never had a problem with them, other than they took the pain away. But enough of vital organs, pain meds, and clueless MDs.

      One way or another, I will make it. I’m stronger than I think (except when I’m barefooted and kick a door frame with my little toe). Now that’s pain.

      Stay in touch my friend. A chat sometime would be very cool.

      All the best!

      • We have been friends for a very long time, yet I never knew about the six police cars. It was good for you to know that someone cared enough for you to do that.

        It’s very important to focus on the positive things in your life…like your precious dogs. (Hey, if it weren’t for dogs, we never would have met.)

        Times have been dark, yes, but you have pushed through them, and now, you have some good things going on in your life. I am so happy for you.

        • Hi Robin,

          Few people did, as I was going through so much shit back then, I didn’t broadcast it. But If I would have told anyone, you would have been on top, and I think you know that. You have been a very grateful friend for over a decade. You’ve always been there for me.

          Yea, I wonder what the neighbors thought. Six patrol cars parked around my house, with an equal number of officers loitering on my lawn. We were using cell phones to communicate. Which must have looked weird to the neighbors. Once the cops knew I wasn’t going to invite them in, and that I didn’t pose a threat to me or anyone else, they packed up and left. It was mainly due to a misunderstanding. But it was a good friend who became afraid for me and called in.

          Knowing you, if you had been aware of the communication, you likely would have called it in, too. It’s awesome that I do have some people who care for me, such as you and Carol.

          We’ll talk more later. Be happy!

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