The WHOLE BANK! A few years ago I was a teller. Every night we balance our drawer and bank our branches 'holdings' to a ledger.

About three weeks before, we had rolled out a new operating/banking system. Going from an old 'green screen' to a Windows based one.

This one evening. I was the sole operator in our branch left to bank my funds to the ledger. I did that, locked up ,alarm on....and off I went home.

The rest of the branches also did their banking nation wide.

The next morning I turn up to work to be told that there was a major system outage and no-one could collect their funds to start the days banking.

Every branch across Australia was unable to release the banking from the ledger.

We had to resort to our emergency operations. Manual transactions and cash withdrawals limited to a certain $$ amount per customer.

The word was the top dogs were screaming blue murder!!! IT couldn't figure it out.

Then it was discovered.

A certain branch.... had deposited an amount to the ledger....

And it had a double decimal in it.

That is all it took to bring the bank to a stand still.

An extra decimal point.

All they had to do was reverse the deposit and re-enter it.

Let's just say I had a stern talking to.

On the upside IT fixed up the formatting so you couldn't do a double decimal again!

EDIT. Not a major bank. Only our branches were affected. "A few years ago"

Last week my girlfriend and I went on vacation in Stowe, Vermont. We decided to go for a walk. As we were walking, we came across this large open field with a stage in the middle of it.

ME: Oh they must have weddings here. This is really neat!

She points to a bunch of flower petals on the ground

HER: Oh yeah! Cool!

I start humming that classic wedding tune as we walk hand in hand down the field

ME: da-da-DA-DA da-da-DUH-DA!

We finally get to the stage, which is empty aside from two chairs and a small box.

ME: Woah, a ring box! Someone must have left it here.

I bend down to pick up the box. My girlfriend stands in COMPLETE SILENCE looking shocked. On one knee, with a ring box in my hand, I open the box facing my girlfriend to reveal-- an empty ring box

ME: See? Huh, too bad it's empty! Still pretty neat though.

HER: ...

I suddenly realize everything I just did and what it must have looked like

ME: Oh....Oh...Shit. Sorry.

HER: I hate you.

Oops. I ended up keeping the ring box though...it was pretty neat.

---

EDIT: To make matters worse, this is literally the fourth time something like this has happened.

Time #1: Last Christmas I made her a DIY kit and individually wrapped all of the parts (yarn, glue, stamps, glitter, cards, etc...). I wanted her to open up the smaller gifts first because I was really excited about some of the big stuff. She asked me what she should open first, so I grabbed the smallest box I could find (it was just a rubber stamp...the size of a ring box) and jokingly said something like "I know it's what you've always wanted"...Oops.

Time #2: Our friend had just returned from the International Space University in France (it's a real thing). He graduated at the top of his class and they gave him a medallion in a jewelry box. I called my girlfriend into the room with the box closed and said something stupid and yeah...Oops.

Time #3: My girlfriend started an etsy shop so I had a custom stamp made of her logo. I was excited to surprise her with it and ended up texting her the day it came in: "I have a big surprise for you when you get home!". When she finally got home I told her to close her eyes and put out her hand...Oops.

---

TL;DR: The Universe game me the perfect proposal and I shit all over it.

---

EDIT #2: Woah-- She isn't going to leave me...she knows how much karma I bring to the table. No way she's gonna' let this go.

EDIT #3: She left me.

EDIT #4: loljk. Her seeing stuff like this has warmed her numb little heart more than breaking up with me ever would.

EDIT #5: ITT -- People who have never dated a rational human being with a good sense of humor.

EDIT #6: We are engaged

EDIT #7: Oh, sorry. I accidentally hit save too soon. What I meant to say was "we are engaged in debate over which of the four fuck ups was the worst."...Oops.

This Happened a few days ago. My dog, pouncer, is a half shih tzu, half poodle. Both breeds aren't that bright, old pouncer was left with a double dose of the stupid. I love him nonetheless, he's all i have. Every day i come home from work he's elated to see me. He's always been nervous and has some attachment issues.

After eating dinner i wind down on the couch, iron chef is on. Not the good one, the american one. It'll do. I lie down, pouncer lies on my chest, head near mine, all is good.

With out notice, the ghosts of my dinner come up to haunt me. Really it's my own fault, i shouldn't have thought nandos was an adequate meal substitution. No one should have to think that. I exorcise the faux-Portuguese demons from my mouth directly into poor pouncers face. I swear i didn't mean to. Pouncer perks, looking puzzled. He snouts out air a few times then freezes. Now he's looking at me and i'm looking at him.

I don't think i need to explain what happened... But i'll do it anyway. He threw up into my face. Not on, not around, into. The vomit traveled up my nose so far, i swear i could taste it. Within milliseconds i start to throw up. Whilst gasping for air, spicy nandos vomit is traveling back down into my lungs, scarring my insides. I run to the bathroom, strip down and have the most uncomfortable shower of my life.

As i leave the bathroom to go clean the ungodly mess left in my house, i find pouncer is happily cleaning it up for me.

He's all i fucking have.

TD;LR: blew burp in dogs face, dog threw up in mine, i threw up in his but he was ok with that.

EDIT: ok ok poodles are a smart breed. Obviously pouncer didn't inherit any smarts from that side.

EDIT: front page. This isn't my finest moment, but i guess it'll do. I'd like to thank all those who made this possible. Nandos, pouncer, especially pouncer but mostly nandos. Thanks.

EDIT: for the love of god i know poodles are a smart breed now. Mines just got a real bad case of the dumb-shits. I guess he inherited it from his own

EDIT: thank you for the gold! If i had only known cross-species, two-way vomiting was the secret to gilding, i would have tried it sooner.

Ok so this one happened a few weeks ago now, but it's permanently burned into my brain, So I have an inbuilt defibrillator, that will monitor my heartbeat and shock me if my heartrate raises above 180 BPM, and it plays an important role in my tale.

so, it's 3am and I feel like shit, really bad pain in my lower abdomen, at this point everyone else in my family has gone to bed, so after about 3 hours of suffering, I say fuck it. and decide to go have a shower. and it relieves the pain, though, because I was alone, in the shower, with no-one else awake, I say fuck it, may's well jerk off. and I'm going along and.

BOOM

I black out. I come to, Scream for my mother (at first I thought I was having a stroke, oh the irony). Turns out the combo of jackin' it and hot water bought my heart rate up to 217!

BOOM

I black out a 2nd time. my mother rushes into the bathroom and sees me with a raging boner.

BOOM

I black out once more. and collapse in the shower.

my mother wakes me up, and calms me down (turns out being electrocuted tends to increase your heartrate) , as I get continually shocked. and I end up in the ER a 4AM in the morning, having to explain, to my own mother, and 3 female nurses, why my heartrate was so high at 3AM in the shower.

I will never live this down.

Today I fucked up, big time. I have been trading currencies for around 3 months and was getting good results (maybe beginners luck who knows). I decided to go the next step and borrowed $10,000 from the bank so I could put on bigger trades and hopefully get bigger profits.

After a week I made $4,000 in one day (in a few hours) in a great trade. After that I thought I was invincible and kept getting bolder and bolder with my trades. Needless to say today I lost it all, including the $10,000 which I borrowed from the bank. In one day. Gone.

I'm 28, casually employed and have no real assets. I feel like my gut has been wrenched from inside out and I also had to break the news to my girlfriend whose birthday is just around the corner.

Pretty huge fuck up, one of the biggest in my entire life.

Edit: Surprised at all the feedback I've gotten in such a short amount of time. All the troll comments are making me laugh, at least that is something positive out of all of this. Important thing is to remember no matter how smart or safe you think you are we are all humans and make mistakes or stuff doesn't go our way. It's the way you deal with it after that counts. Cheers for all the comments.

Never posted here before but I seriously fucked up this time. I walk around naked at home because its hot as hell and I live alone but my apartment is recommended by my university so a lot of schoolmates and teachers also live in the building. Well today I saw the biggest cockroach ever on the wall of my room. In my panic, I tried to shoo it out of my room by opening the door and sweeping it out with my shoe. As I did that, I realized my fuck-up as I saw my professor and some female classmates walking past my room. I realized my stupidity instantly and slammed the door shut. All they saw was me open the door naked and panicked, holding a shoe, and then instantly slamming the door shut. Yea, I'm an idiot.

Worst part was the cockroach flew around my house and hid and now I can't find the fucker.

Edit: Holy fuck this blew up. I wish reddit was bigger where I live right now so they could see some explanation and I don't look like such a pervert wierdo.

Edit 2: I am a man and I live in the Philippines hence the flying cockroach / reddit not being popular / teachers and students living together.

So you know that pins and needles feeling you get when your arm or leg falls asleep? I got that in my dick. I was sitting with my leg tucked underneath me for a while and my heel was pressed up right behind my balls. I didn't realize it was losing feeling until I stood up and the feeling started to come back. So the pins and needles started in my ballsack and moved up to my dick, and it did not feel good. Every little movement felt like I had stuck my dick into an electrical outlet. I was really worried for a second because I didn't know what it was but then I realized and just sat down for a few uncomfortable minutes waiting for it to stop.

So, in true /r/TIFU fashion, this didn't happen today but instead some years back.

Join me now in a time of wonder during the long fabled year of 2004. I was working my way through college by being a mobile DJ on weekends and I had been assigned a " Special Ed Prom".

As you can expect this was an end of the year dance for a special needs school that wanted the kids to have that iconic prom moment like all the other kids.

Well, I started as I normally did making an introduction and explaining the events of the evening. The people who organized the dance wanted a powerful opening that the kids would recognize.

As luck would have it, the Black Eyed Peas had been recently riding the wave of their classic "Let's Get It Started" and I figured that would be my best bet. I cued the CD up and began my intro.

This is where the fuck up went downs....

With most censorship, words get bleeped out. However, on rare occasions, the artist will change entire words. This was the latter.

Instead of playing my radio friendly version of "Let's Get It Started" I instead put in the OG album and played the songs uncensored version "Let's Get Retarded"

I was utterly shocked and it all went to hell after that. I was able to recover and save the show but I am not surprised that I want offered the contract the next year.... Or the year after that....

TL;DR : Played the wrong version of a popular song that directly mocked my clients disability.

Post Script: The local news station was covering the dance and my fuck up was caught on camera and broadcast.

Edit: Thanks for the gold anonymous stranger. You have busted my gilded cherry

Edit #2: I feel I should explain the "local news station" bit. They were covering the dance being held as a warm fuzzies puff piece and supposedly you can hear my fuck up but I never confirmed as I have not ever seen the video myself. I just know I saw the crew there. Furthermore, I doubt they would let the word "retarded" hit the air waves.

I know it sounds it sounds fishy as fuck but I make no secret of the fact that I have no digital proof of this timely shenanigan.

I'm 17 working at a grocery store from 5-10. I got off at 10 and started walking across the empty parking to my truck. As soon as I got in some guy pulls out of nowhere and pulls in behind my truck.

He gets out and I roll down my window to see what he wants. Said he needed gas money and was running on nothing. He offered me 2 cds and 2 5hour energies for just a couple bucks to fill his car up. Since there was a gas station right in the same parking lot I figured I'd give him a little. It turned out that all the cash I had was a 20 dollar bill.

He had a somewhat new car and was decently dressed so me being the gullible teenager that I am handed him the 20 and denied the cds and 5hour energy. He shook my hand and peeled out driving past not one but two gastations I sat there dumbfounded realizing the mistake I made.

Edit: Thanks for the uplifting words guys! I realize that I lost 20 bucks , but I also realized that it could have been much worse than me losing money. Thanks for the tips on how to avoid these things I will be more cautious moving foward.

Edit 2: Thanks for all the comments and up votes! Its good to know I'm not the only one to fall for this. Wish yall all a good day!

So last night, my gym partner and I decided to go on a late gym run to get SWOLE. I also recently met this beautiful girl on tinder & we've been snapchatting each other as if it was our full time job! She's freaking gorgeous.

So my gym partner and I decide to go full hulk and bench press as much as we can. On his final set of 275lb bench press, I get a snap from the Tinder girl and it's a video! As I opened up the snapchat, my gym partner asked if I'm all ready to spot him but without thinking, I said yes.. Now here is where I royally fuck up.

As he counts down to start benching, I open up the snapchat & it's a video of the girl with NSFW content, suggesting that we should hit it up tonight. I was completely focused on the 10 second video until I heard a thud and a gag for help... My gym partner lost control of the bench which landed on his throat..I immediately dropped my phone and tried to help lift the bar. People around us saw what was happening and everyone rushed to help as well.. Unfortunately, my gym partner started to cough up blood & it got pretty bad..

Reddit, I'm a fucking idiot.. I fucked up so bad that I don't know what to do with myself.. Currently at the hospital with his family and he's getting an emergency surgery. All I know right now is that he's been in surgery for the past 6 hours and counting..

TL;DR: Gym partner and I went ham on bench press. Forgot to spot my gym partner because I received a snapchat video from a girl that I met on Tinder..I also forgot to respond to the girl so looks like I'm done with her..

MAJOR UPDATE** The family & I spoke with the doctors & this is what happened. A piece of his larynx was damaged along with a minor fracture? Couldn’t really understand everything that the doctor said but my friend will survive & insurance will cover the medical cost. I hope everyone can take away some valuable lesson from this incident. I’m deleting snapchat, never bringing a phone to the gym, and ALWAYS, respecting the bro code. I am genuinely sorry about what happened and I hope my friend will forgive me. Ultimately, the surgery went really well.

Minor update* Just got home and did not expect this to blow up like this.. Like I said, yes I messed up. I know what I did wrong but the only I can do is pray for a speedy recovery. I'll be visiting him tonight after dinner and keep everyone posted.

So, I am 23 and a new English teacher. I look like a kid myself, and I'm barely 5'1" so I always try my best to be professional. I want my students to take me seriously. I don't think they will after today.

I was reading an Emily Dickinson poem to my class of 10th graders, and I got to the line that says "Shuts the door--to her divine majority," and I got tongue-tied in the worst way. Here's where my students lose all respect for me.

Very loudly I said, "Shuts the door to her VAGINE-" and cut to students falling out of their chairs howling with laughter at me. I just sat down. I gave up. I literally have no idea how I replaced "divine" with "vagine." How?! It will haunt me forever.

Perhaps the worst part? I sent a kid to the principal two days ago for screaming "Penis!" while going over answers in class. On his way out today he high-fived me and said, "Mad respect."

EDIT: Aw, snap! Front page! So far, none of my students have called me out for posting this.

Also, some people are super upset that I sent Penis Kid to the principal. Trust me, I am a pretty chill person, but some kids (especially huge teenaged boys) like to test the limits of the teacher who looks like a seventeen-year-old girl. It was mostly a warning shot because he had been causing some major issues. He got a slap on the wrist and has been an angel to me since then. ;)

I was at work. I was bored and tired and waiting for a client to call (dropping off a package) and I was typing random stuff into Google to see what the auto-suggestions were. I typed "I'm tired" and looked at the drop down list, selecting the first item just as the phone rang. I ran downstairs to get the package and then came back upstairs and went home without turning off my computer. I got a strange email an hour later from my boss:

Hey. Pardon me for asking, but you left a screen with a Google search up on the computer at the front desk, and I was worried. Three things. First, thank God you’re part of this team. Couldn’t do it without you. Everyone’s glad you’re here. Second, if you ever want to talk about anything, including bad times and ugly shit, I’m here. Third, I can’t promise you that life will be wonderful, but I can promise you that you can feel better about it. I didn’t believe it, but it’s true.

I emailed him telling him I was fine and asking what I had typed.

I'm tired of living

My boss is hyper-aware of depression and suicide and was scared for me. Now, all the senior attorneys are treating me with kid gloves.

Edit: Thank you. I was aware I have an awesome boss before this, but this made me appreciate him in a new way. I think things are smoothed over now but we'll see.

Literally happened like 5 minutes ago. So the other day, my SO and I were browsing an ask Reddit thread about how to strengthen your relationship. We came across something about getting in the shower together, lathering up each other's butts and just rubbing booties together, ya know, really exciting stuff. So we waited until this weekend when I could be over at her place to test this out. After a long, hot day outside, we figured today would be our opportunity. We got into our birthday suits as fast as we could and hopped in the shower. Things were going good! We got all soapy, pressed our butts together, and shook like our lives depended on it. It was super fun. Here's where I fucked up; for some reason, I thought it would be a wonderful idea to just let out one of the burliest biker farts my body could produce. I built up my energy and just exploded flatulence. Of course we both thought it was hilarious and began to laugh... Until the smell hit her nose. She looked dead into my eyes, almost as if she were about to tell me the saddest news in the world, and threw up everywhere. All in the shower floor and on our feet was my girlfriend's vomit. Now here I am, cleaning the shower while my girlfriend feels ashamed and embarrassed over what just happened. FML

Edit: Wow! That blew up! Thank you guys so much. My girlfriend and I have a really silly and fun filled relationship and we've been together for almost a year. I love her so much. Thank you guys for the funny comments!

Again, for those of you who didn't see, here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4y0kuj/couples_of_reddit_what_are_fun_things_you_should/d6k8x20

TL;DR- Farted in the shower with my SO and she threw up everywhere.

This just happened about an hour ago, and now I'm wide awake...

Backstory: got a tattoo of an angel falling from heaven a few days ago. It's pretty big and covers about half my back, which means that applying ointment/lotion to it is super tricky without assistance.

Woke up and had to pee, and while I was in the bathroom decided to apply some ointment to my tattoo since it was feeling a bit dry. I perched on the sink vanity and attempted to reach around my back to get at a tricky spot. As I smoothed my fingers over one wing, I felt something stick to my hand. I put it up close to my face and squinted (I'm half blind and was still half asleep), and there it was: a single white feather, which then floated off my finger to the floor.

I was instantly and illogically convinced that some sort of fucked up Black Swan moment was happening (again: half asleep) and leapt off of the counter to try to look at it in the mirror. I immediately lost my balance and went crashing ass-first into the bathtub. I also took the shower curtain and quite a few bottles of shampoo/body wash with me, which made a nice, lovely crashing noise that echoed through the whole house. Boyfriend jumped up from a dead sleep and came running into the bathroom clutching the Glock from the nightstand, and our Husky started howling bloody murder outside the door because she probably thought I was dead.

Once I stopped seeing stars and tried to explain the situation to my relieved but slightly grumpy boyfriend, it occurred to me: we have a down feather pillow, and one of them must have escaped and gotten stuck to my ointment covered back.

Good morning to us...

TL;DR: a feather got stuck to my new tattoo and I thought it was coming out of my back a la Black Swan, and accidentally woke up my whole house while freaking out about it.

Edit: wow! I definitely did not expect my silly story to reach front page territory. Thanks, guys! Just to clarify, yes I am American, no I do not live in a trailer park, my boyfriend keeps the clip separate from the Glock in the nightstand so when he checked the bathroom the gun was not loaded (clip was in his hand), and lastly, the whole reason we have a gun in our nightstand is because we actually did have a home intruder about eight months ago. When confronted the intruder's reaction was to try and hurt my dog, therefore we decided to move one of our guns to a safe but easily accessible location to protect ourselves and her.

Edit 2: a lot of people have been asking me to post pictures, so here you go:

https://imgur.com/gallery/WxQew

I've only gone through one of several sessions--we're going to add a lot more color and add more detail to the body/wings (including fixing his "strong hand"). I was going for the idea that it could be an angel and it could be Icarus.

Also, my boyfriend has informed me that I am an idiot and used the wrong language referring to the Glock--I meant the magazine, not clip. And this is why the gun lives on his side of the bed...

I'm a baker at a company with a strict labeling policy. I accidentally made a cookie with nuts instead of a cookie without. Since the label said it didn't contain nuts, a man decided to eat one. Instantly had a reaction. Luckily he realized right away.

So this actually happened about 4 hours ago. My friends and I went to see Snowden (which was fairly good), but being the cheap bastards we were, we went to the save-on to buy snacks, which was ironic because I ended up spending $16, mostly on pistachios, which is relevant to the story. The first 10 minutes are EXTREMELY quiet, so I was trying to open my bag of pistachios as inconspicuously as possible, but it was proving difficult. I mustered up a tiny bit more gusto and the bag exploded and SHOWERED the floor and the seats in front of me (which, thankfully, no one was sitting in), completely breaking the silence. I can still remember the exact sound of hundreds of shells bouncing off seats and the hard floor. My girlfriend was super embarrassed, and my friends were dying trying to contain their laughter. What happened didn't even register for a few seconds and I just stood there, wide-eyed, trying to comprehend the situation. I picked as many as I could off the floor in the darkness, but I know there was still at least a hundred in the aisle in front of me. If somehow the theater worker is reading this, I am so goddamn sorry I was that guy.

Edit: obligatory RIP inbox

I grew up in a very religious house hold. I went to a private church school in Iowa and to church every Wednesday and Sunday. Not only was our school a christian school but it was also located in a church, go figure.

My older brother had created a music group that played worship songs called SSW, secret society of wretchedness. He drew a picture of a smiling clown on his guitar and I loved it. I would always tell him to play guitar for me.

A few days prior to this fuck up, I had heard that another name for a church was a steeple. With that in mind, we began learning rhyming schemes in English class. The teacher asked us to write a poem from 4 different schemes and to draw pictures for each line.

I wanted to write a poem about the clown some how. So I put down my first line, then drew a picture of a clown. The second line was the same picture, only him frowning. The next line was a car, then a church, then the clown behind bars with tears coming down his face. So the poem was this:

There once was a plumb mad clown Who wore on his face a frown He went to a steeple Killed lots of people Until the cops came and beat him down.

Not only do I remember the look on the teachers face, how hard she was gripping my hand as she dragged me to the principals office, the look on the principals face as he mashed the phone's key pad to call both my parents from work, but I remember other people I didn't know showing up to talk to my parents. They were convinced I was the devil and, this is true, prayed for me before we left school.

It was only a few weeks ago that my mother told me that the other people who showed up were CPS investigators which makes sense because they showed up at our house the next day and asked me all these dumb questions like if anyone was hurting me or what I thought of my parents.

I still remember the car ride home. I asked if I was in trouble and my dad laughed and said no. I said, "What did I do?"

"You wrote a good poem."

Actually happened today. My car wouldn't crank, so I walked 4.5 miles home to get another car. I drove to my 'dead' car to get some stuff out of it and see if maybe I could get it to start again. Still nothing.

As I was about to get out of the 'dead' car, I noticed that the gear shifter was on 'D' and not 'P' (short for Drive and Park) I shifted to 'P,' and she started right up!

Next, I drove car #2 home and walked back another 4.5 miles to get the car that I originally thought was busted.

I got a good walk in, though.

So I have a problem with my liver, they don't know what it is yet so I'm doing a lot of tests. One of them was a 24 hour urine collection, which means I had to pee is a jar for 24 hours and then give it back to the lab for analysis. I drink a lot, so after 24 hours I had a good gallon of piss I took everywhere.

When it was finally time to take the jar back I put it in my bag because I didn't want to walk around holding a clear jar full of piss, I thought it was a good idea. It wasn't.

I was walking to the lab, and suddenly i feel water running down my legs. "What could this be?" I wondered for a few seconds, then it hit me. My legs and lower back were covered in my own piss. Apparently the jar tilted, spilling half its contents in my bag.

I ran to the lab, and gave what was left to the guy there and ran back out.

Today cost me a bag, two books and a phone charger. It was not a good day.

Edit a lot of you are asking if I had a lid on it. I did. In fact it wasn't even my jar, the lab gave me like a plastic pitcher thing that came with a lid, I thought it would be at least to some degree water tight. It was not. Ohh also I had to go straight to work, didn't have time to shower and I serve food.

Edit 2 just to clarify, it spilled on the way to the lab, I was not walking around with it. And about the job, I know it's gross, but I work solo shifts in a place that's really understaffed so I could not cancel or be late on such short notice, I was supposed to open the place. Btw I quit working there, it was my last shift.

Actually, it was the other day - but, I had to wait until the weekend to share my story with all of you. So, here it is again... Have you ever wanted to try something you saw on a porn? Well, I did. My BF and I are physically fit, and it didn't seem like that big of a deal. Here's what happened...
I've always thought it looked sexy for a guy to pick up a girl and hold her during sex. So, I wanted to try it too. After going strong for about 15 minutes, I asked my BF to pick me up, which he did. But, I guess I didn't take a few things into account:

1) how easily things pop out in that position (never happens in the movies);

2) how worn out my BF already was;

3) how far the nearest available wall space was from my bed;

4) how slippery a sweaty body can actually be (even with fans).

Because, as soon as he picked me up, I started slipping down his body. So, I tried to crawl back up his body, by gripping tighter around his neck and waist. He tried to waddle over to the wall for extra support, but I guess I had a death grip on him. After maybe two minutes of struggling, he started swaying side to side. Then, his eyes rolled back into his head and he passed out, with me still on top of him. I didn't know a full-body "bear hug" could do that.

He's fine now, but imagine trying to explain that one to the paramedics. If there's a next time, I think we'll just start against the wall. - Yeah, TIFU.
    TL;DR. caused my BF to pass out during sex, had to call ambulance

EDIT: Sorry about the formatting. It sucks.

This actually happened when I was 8, but I was just reminded of it by another post on reddit.

So there I was in history class and the teacher tells us to write an essay about a famous Viking. I chose 'Cnut the Great'. Despite producing what I considered to be some fine work, a spelling mistake was repeatedly made throughout, and I did not recieve my paper back after I handed it in. I remember the teacher treating me as though I knew what I'd done, and gave me a real verbal shit-kicking. I literally had no clue what the fuck was going on. It actually took me years to work out what had happened...

Obligatory "this was a few years ago".

Some background: freshman year of high school. Joined swim team because a university I was interested in required having done a sport. Made it to Districts that year. I also have crippling cat allergies. And a cat.

So two days before the Districts meet, I decided to take advice given to me by the seniors: "shave your arms and legs, it'll help you swim faster." Before heading upstairs to take my evening shower, I had spent around half an hour petting my cat. Feel free to call me weird.

Side note about my allergies: sometimes I'll sneeze with no warning. No build up, no nose itching, just a random sneeze.

Fast forward to me in my shower. I put some shaving stuff on my arm and grab the razor I bought earlier in the day. Tired as hell from swim practice. Legs like jelly, etc. I press the razor to my arm, and bam. Out-of-the-blue sneeze. I feel a shearing pain down the side of my arm. Blood down the entire length of my arm. Whoops. I spent another half an hour or so bleeding like a haemophiliac and dabbing a towel on my arm. Luckily it was only like a square inch or so of skin I lost.

TL;DR: knees weak, eyes are heavy; there's cat hair on his sweater already, arm spaghetti.

Edit: For those of you asking, I made it NSFW for minor amounts of blood. Maybe I'm paranoid.

Edit 2: Jesus Christ, guys, thanks for the Karma. I thought this was just gonna die off in "new".

History is a very boring subject to me, especially when I hardly get any sleep the night before. Today in history class, guess what happened? If you guessed I fell asleep, congrats. Anyways, I vaguely remember falling asleep. All of a sudden, I wake up to some weird noise. This class runs from 9:50-10:40. The clock in the room says 4:43. I'm like "FUCK I actually just slept through my entire day of classes." I grab my shit as fast as I can, get out of my seat, and run up the lecture hall stairs to the doors. I open the doors, run down the hallway to the doors that go outside and take a step out and see everybody from my class standing there outside with my professor standing there as well. Needless to say, I was more confused than a homeless man on house arrest. One, I just woke up from a great nap, and two, why the fuck is everybody standing here outside. My professor goes "Good morning sleepyhead." This fucking dude saw me asleep in class, stopped his lecture, made everybody go outside, and changed the clock in the room to 6 fucking hours later so I would think I slept through the whole day, then woke me up by playing some alarm noise thing through a speaker. I don't think I can make my face seen again in that class.

TL;DR: My professor embarrassed me for sleeping in his class by moving the clock up 6 hours

I have a in home sauna and I got some eucalyptus oil to open up my airways and skin while in the sauna. You need to water the oil down before using it and the most common form of doing this is a water bottle. I used a Sam's Club water bottle, because we buy bottled water in serious bulk. I used the sauna the night before with my wife and then placed the bottle up very high on the basement window sill.

Well, today I for some reason took it down thinking it was trash. I realized it wasn't and put it on the book shelf. My daughter was getting into something and I forgot about it. I also didn't realize that eucalyptus oil is was so toxic. I knew it wasn't good to ingest, but they do use it as mouth wash.

Fast forward, 8 hours and my wife is using the workout room I set up. She comes out thirsty (not for me unfortunately) and sees the water bottle. Takes a huge gulp and screams. She drank a mouth full of mainly highly toxic eucalyptus oil.

I called poison control and they made me rush her to the hospital for observation. She is currently there right now, I had to come back home and watch our daughter. As, of right now she is fine and doesn't have any major symptoms, but they have to watch her for 4 hours.

TL:DR my wife drank eucalyptus oil that I left in a water bottle.

Update- I can pick her up in 20 minutes and she is fine. PSA label your bottles no matter how long you use them and eucalyptus oil is extremely toxic. Like don't even get it on your skin.

DISCLAIMER: This was many years ago.

I was in my early teens and my parents had finally caved and let me get my first cat. They were out one day and I was home alone when I heard the cat choking. I walked into the kitchen to investigate, only to find the cat's entire body convulsing. What the hell?

I started to freak out a bit when suddenly this big clump of fur and "guts" came hurtling out of my cat's mouth! HO-LEE-FUCK! This fucking thing was going to die right here in the kitchen! At this point I started screaming, running in circles, and shouting omigodomigodomigod in an endless loop.

After about a minute of that (and the cat looking at me like I was retarded) I started to get my wits about me and realized this cat was in urgent need of medical attention. I fetched its carrier, shoved it in, threw the carrier under my arm, and careened off on my bicycle the kilometer or so to the vet's. Rushing in I started stammering that my cat was choking! It had fur inside it -- is it supposed to have fur growing inside it?!?! -- and it was DYING omigod it's DYING!!!

The receptionist's face went from confusion, to laughter, to a very poor attempt at concern. My parents paid for a routine check-up, I learned what a hairball is, and my family walked away with a story they still tell at the dinner table.