I’ve always identified as a switch because the binary in BDSM of dom/sub (and the various incarnations of that) made me incredibly uncomfortable and I never felt that a person could ever ethically embody either of those things entirely. Being a switch made it more about the actions, rather than the ideas present in participating in BDSM types of sex. Reading rolequeer‘s blog over the last few months has given me a lot to think about and helped me to come to the conclusion that I’m not actually a switch, but that the binary in BDSM is just an unethical perpetuation of everything that is truly wrong in Western culture and society. BDSM is, in essence, fetishized oppression. And acting like that is normal and acceptable and untouchable only strengthens the oppressive forces of the Western world. I’m kinky, but I’m definitely not into BDSM. Because I was so heavily indoctrinated by BDSM rhetoric, it had never even occurred to me that I could be kinky without subscribing to BDSM. But that is a thing that people can do, and that realization is so much more liberating that anything I’ve ever done or been exposed to in BDSM. I can be spanked until my ass is bruised without being at war with the person doing it. I can be mean to my partner while I fuck them without acting like I have dominion over them entirely or without pretending that I’m doing it against their will. Power does not have to play a role in my kinky sex. We can just both let that shit go and relax and have a good time. So much more enjoyable. And much much more ethical. I don’t have to roll over afterwards and deal with the reality of the fact that my partner just got off on acting out rapey behaviour by fetishizing the word ‘no’ or pretending that I’m his child. I assure you, letting go of BDSM ideology is very satisfying. So much shit to unlearn though. Ugh.