PUSHING DAISIES
"PIE-LETTE"
(2007)
Written By Bryan Fuller
Lee Pace...........................................Ned
Anna Friel...................Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles
Chi McBride................................Emerson Cod
Jim Dale..............................Narrator (voice)
Ellen Greene............................Vivian Charles
Swoosie Kurtz.............................Lily Charles
Kristin Chenoweth..........................Olive Snook
Patrick Breen..............................Leo Gaswint
Terry Anzur..............................Newscaster #3
Ed Brigadier...............................Minister #1
Field Cate...................................Young Ned
Ted Garcia...............................Newscaster #1
Murray Gershenz..................................Rabbi
Tina Gloss................................Ned's Mother
Brad Grunberg.........................Funeral Director
Sammi Hanratty.............................Young Chuck
Geraud Moncure...........................Newscaster #4
Leyna Nguyen.............................Newscaster #2
Sy Richardson..................................Coroner
Greg Suddeth............................Gravedigger #1
David Trice........................Martin Miltinberger
Julie Wittner..........................Deedee Duffield
Jeff Wolfe..........................Shiny Shoes Killer
ACT ONE
DIRT
CAMERA MOVES up through the earth finding the gnarled tips
of a perennial weed. We RISE out of the soil REVEALING a
beautiful blooming daisy. In fact, it's an entire...
1 EXT. FIELD OF DAISIES - DAY - FLASHBACK 1
CAMERA FLIES OVER the "Welcome to Couer d'Couers" sign at
the field's edge to FIND a bright, care-free boy of about 10
(YOUNG NED) racing through the flowers sending petals flying
as he chases his dog DIGBY, an adorable yellow lab as bright
and care-free as Young Ned. Our OMNISCIENT NARRATOR (imagine
Patrick Stewart reading a bedtime story) begins:
NARRATOR
At this very moment in the town of
Couer d'Couers, Young Ned was 9 years,
27 weeks, 6 days, and 3 minutes old.
Young Ned is only a few feet behind his dog, 3 sets of legs
speeding through the brush. He reaches out trying to make
contact, but Digby is just out of touch. Closer... closer...
The brush gives way to a clearing. Closer... closer, still...
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
His dog Digby was 3 years, 2 weeks,
6 days, 5 hours and 9 minutes old.
WHAM. Out of nowhere, Digby is HIT BY A PASSING SEMI-TRUCK.
A BLUR OF BIG RIG obscures the impact. Ned stops, horrified.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
And not a minute older.
TIME SLOWS TO A CRAWL. FUR SAILS THROUGH THE AIR, as if Digby
was taking flight by his own propulsion. ALL SOUND DROPS OUT
except for the RAPID, RHYTHMIC POUNDING of Ned's HEART and
the EXPANSION AND CONTRACTION of his LUNGS.
He approaches the unmoving body of his dead dog Digby.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
This was the moment Young Ned realized
he wasn't like the other children.
Nor was he like anyone else for that
matter.
Ned kneels down beside Digby and as he reaches out to stroke
the dog's matted fur... CAMERA JUMP CUTS TO:
AN EXTREME-EXTREME-EXTREME-EXTREME CLOSE UP OF NED'S FINGER
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2.
The ridges of his fingertip look like circular troughs. As
Ned touches his dog we see a small STATIC POP OF ELECTRICITY
between his finger and Digby's fur.
CAMERA JUMPS WIDE
TIME RESUMES TO NORMAL as Digby inexplicably scrambles to
his feet with a happy dog-smile on his face and runs off
into the field of daisies.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Young Ned could touch dead things
and bring them back to life.
Young Ned watches slack-jawed and furrow-browed as Digby
disappears over the horizon. He stares at his finger, not
sure exactly what just happened.
CLOSE ON - A FLY
It lands on a cupboard door and darts to and fro until SMACK.
A FLY SWATTER ends its life in one abrupt movement. We are...
2 INT. NED'S CHILDHOOD HOME - KITCHEN - DAY - FLASHBACK 2
The dead fly lands on the counter top. Young Ned's MOTHER
sets the fly swatter down and returns to lovingly preparing
a pie, pressing dough into the pie plate.
NARRATOR
It was a gift given to him, but not
by anyone in particular. There was
no box, no instructions, no
manufacturer's warranty. It just
was.
Young Ned peers over the edge of the counter, reaching in
and touching the dead fly. There's a small ELECTRIC POP then
the fly flies up and out the open window.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
The terms of use weren't immediately
clear nor were they of immediate
concern.
CAMERA FOLLOWS THE FLY and Young Ned's gaze to:
3 EXT. NEIGHBOR GIRL'S HOME - DAY - FLASHBACK 3
A girl named CHUCK, pig-tails et al, plays in the back yard.
NARRATOR
Young Ned was in love.
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3.
She's making a small village out of mounds of dirt and
cardboard boxes with Play-Doh people and toy cars as her
FATHER waters the lawn in the background.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Her name was Chuck. At this very
moment, she was 8 years, 42 weeks, 3
hours and 2 minutes old.
She squeezes a little people head out of the Play-Doh Fun
Factory and places it on the body she's already constructed.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Young Ned did not think of her as
being born or hatched or conceived
in any way. Chuck came ready made
from the Play-Doh Fun Factory of
Life.
She makes the final few touches on her village and it COMES
TO LIFE THROUGH THE MAGIC OF IMAGINATION.
CHUCK'S P.O.V. - IMAGINATION REALIZED
Large as life, TOY CARS drive through tiny streets, and TOY
PEOPLE mill about on tiny sidewalks.
BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. The ground SHAKES. The TOY PEOPLE
react to the strangeness... then a GIANT REPTILIAN LEG STOMPS
into a cardboard building, crushing it.
CAMERA REVEALS A GIANT PIG-TAILED GODZILLA stomping through
the village, sparing no one as PLAY-DOH PEOPLE SCRAMBLE.
And just when we think a lone TOM CRUISE-ESQUE PLAY-DOH PERSON
has escaped... SQUISH. A GIANT RODAN-ESQUE WINGED DINOSAUR
looking as much like Ned as the Godzilla looks like Chuck
(wearing the same clothes, etc.) stomps him good.
SMASH BACK TO REALITY
Chuck and Ned are stomping through the remains of her small
village, having an absolute ball and getting very dirty.
ON NED
His Mother is sweeping the dirt off of him with a broom.
4 INT. NED'S CHILDHOOD HOME - KITCHEN - DAY - FLASHBACK 4
Freshly broomed, Young Ned stares out the window as filthy
Chuck is getting hosed off in the backyard by her Father.
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4.
NARRATOR
He was under Chuck's spell... until
a blood vessel in his mother's brain
burst, killing her instantly.
IN THE BACKGROUND, WE SEE NED'S MOTHER CUTTING FRUIT ONE
MOMENT THEN ABRUPTLY DROPPING OUT OF FRAME.
5 INT. NED'S CHILDHOOD HOME - KITCHEN - DAY - FLASHBACK 5
Young Ned turns away from the window to find his Mother dead
on the linoleum floor next to the stove.
EXTREME CLOSE UP - MOTHER'S OPEN AND STARING EYE
Young Ned reaches into FRAME and touches his Mother's cheek
just below the eye. A BOLT OF STATIC ELECTRICITY. Her
constricted pupil dilates and Ned's Mother blinks.
DING. The timer goes off.
ON NED
He slowly backs away as his Mother stares at him. A CLOCK
appears in the corner of the OUR SCREEN and begins counting
down from ONE MINUTE. 59 seconds... 58... 57...
NARRATOR
Young Ned's random gift that was
came with a caveat or two...
MOTHER
Did the timer go off?
Young Ned nods as his Mother gets to her feet, brushes off
her apron and pulls on a pair of OVEN MITTS.
MOTHER (CONT'D)
I must've slipped. Clumsy. Hmmm.
Ned sits at the kitchen table, unable to look away as his
Mother pulls a pie out of the oven. 37 seconds... 36...
Ned's Mother places the pie in the kitchen window to cool.
ON CHUCK IN HER YARD
She kicks over the last standing building and runs inside as
her Father continues to water the lawn in the background.
The COUNTDOWN continues... 23... 22... 21...
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5.
ON NED AND HIS MOTHER
Ned watches as his Mother readies a second pie to go into
the oven. 11... 10... 9... 8...
NARRATOR
It was a gift that not only gave...
it took.
Ned's Mother twists the timer around, puts a new pie in the
oven and as she closes the oven door. The CLOCK HAND has
traveled almost full circle: 4... 3... 2...
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Young Ned discovered he could only
bring the dead back to life for one
minute without consequence. Any longer
and someone else had to die.
INCLUDE THE KITCHEN WINDOW, through which we can SEE Chuck's
Father drop dead. Young Ned and his Mother don't immediately
see this because their backs are to the window.
Ned's Mother cuts a piece of pie, puts it on a plate, and
sets it down in front of Young Ned. He takes a bite. Heaven.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
It was the most delicious pie ever
baked because it was the pie that
was not meant to be.
His Mother's GASP draws his attention to the window, where
they can see Chuck's Father dead in the yard.
6 INT. NED'S CHILDHOOD HOME - NED'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT 6
Ned stares out the window at an AMBULANCE slowly pulling
away from Chuck's house without its lights on, horrified.
NARRATOR
Young Ned realized somehow in the
grand universal scheme of things, he
had traded his mother's life for
Chuck's father's.
NED'S MOTHER
Come on, big daddy, into bed.
NARRATOR
And he was horrified.
Ned's Mother pulls up the blankets so Ned can slide into
bed. She draws the blanket up to his chest. (NOTE: Never
touching him directly.)
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6.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
But there was one more thing about
touching dead things that Young Ned
didn't know. And he learned it in
the most unfortunate way.
She moves to kiss Ned on his forehead.
EXTREME-EXTREME-EXTREME CLOSE ON - NED'S MOTHER'S LIPS
As they're about to make contact with his forehead, we see a
STATIC POP OF ELECTRICITY.
GO WIDE
Ned's Mother drops dead right then and there.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
First touch, life. Second touch,
dead again forever.
Ned kneels next to his dead mother, poking her cheek, waiting
for her to open her eyes again. She doesn't.
7 EXT. NED'S HOME/CHUCK'S HOME - DAY - FLASHBACK 7
Young Ned sits on the porch, dressed all in black. He watches
as Chuck's 30-something Grey Garden-esque aunts (VIVIAN and
LILY) drag large steamer trunks into Chuck's house.
NARRATOR
Chuck was orphaned when her father
died and fostered by her aunts Vivian
and Lily. A renowned synchronized
swimming duo, they shared matching
personality disorders and a love for
fine cheese.
8 INT. NED'S CHILDHOOD HOME - NED'S BEDROOM - FLASHBACK 8
Young Ned watches as his FATHER fills a steamer trunk with
all the belongings from his room, his Rodan costume,
NARRATOR
For all intents, Young Ned was
orphaned, too. After a brief mourning
period, his father panicked at raising
a child alone. In the wake of that
panic, Ned was hustled off to boarding
school.
9 EXT. JEWISH/CHRISTIAN GRAVEYARD - LATE DAY - FLASHBACK 9
The JEWISH and CHRISTIAN GRAVEYARDS are two halves of the
same cemetary. The Synagogue and Church on either end of the
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7.
hillside graveyard. Two funerals are taking place, one on
each side of the graveyard.
NARRATOR
At their respective parent's
funerals...
10 EXT. GRAVEYARD - SUNSET- FLASHBACK 10
The peak of the cemetary hill. Young Ned and the Neighbor
Girl ENTER FRAME from their respective side, silhouetted by
the sun. She takes his hand and kisses him on the lips.
NARRATOR
...dizzy with grief, curiosity and
hormones, Young Ned and a girl named
Chuck had their first and only kiss.
MOMENTS LATER
Young Ned watches the Neighbor Girl head back down the hill.
After a moment, Young Ned's dog Digby returns and bounds
right up to Ned. He reaches out to pet Digby and the dog
pulls away. Despite this, Digby wags his tail and smiles,
keeping a safe distance. As Young Ned leads Digby down the
other side of cemetary hill, CAMERA BEGINS TO PULL BACK...
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
The effect of his Mother's death on
Ned's psyche was twofold. He avoided
social attachments, fearing what
he'd do if someone else he loved
died. Secondly, he became obsessed
with pies.
The setting sun shining bright and round MORPHS INTO A GOLDEN
BROWN PIE on a cloud-print tablecloth. We are:
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
It's 19 years, 34 weeks, 1 day and
59 minutes later...
11 INT. PIE HOLE - KITCHEN - DAY - PRESENT 11
We're on a cooling window, the shelves lined with the
cloudprint tablecloth. On a pillow on the floor, is DIGBY.
NARRATOR
Young Ned has become "The Pie-Maker,"
owner and pastry chef of "The Pie
Hole."
CAMERA FINDS a PAIR OF HANDS rolling and kneading dough.
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8.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
The expression "pie in the sky"
entered popular culture in 1911,
referring to a dessert so sweet it
can only be found in heaven. But...
12 EXT. PIE HOLE - DAY 12
A charming Parisian (in tone)/American (in style) googieesque
bakery. The front of the business is rounded and given the
facade of a giant pie wedged into the ground floors of an
ADJACENT APARTMENT BUILDING, complete with a pie-crust roof.
A sign reads: The Pie Hole.
NARRATOR
...if you crave something before you
die I recommend where the Pie Maker
makes his pies.
13 INT. PIE HOLE - KITCHEN - DAY - PRESENT 13
CAMERA PUSHES IN ON the back of the Pie Maker as he works,
lining the pie pan with dough, not yet showing his face.
NARRATOR
The peaches never brown. Berries
ripe as the instant they were plucked.
If they weren't so delicious and
eaten so quickly, folks might notice
the pies stayed fresh an unusually
long time.
Dead, dying or bruised fruit is lovingly picked from a bowl
and placed into the empty pie crust. Bruises fade and dead
fruit spontaneously engorges with juice, ripe and tasty.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
That's because the Pie Maker
personally touches the contents of
every one.
A piece of NOW FRESH fruit spills out of the pie crust.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
The dead fruit in his hands becomes
ripe with ever-lasting flavor -- as
long as he only touches it once.
The Pie-Maker's hand snatches it before it hits the floor
and the fruit spontaneously shrivels and darkens.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
For this reason, the Pie-Maker is a
vegetarian.
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9.
CAMERA FINALLY REVEALS NED'S FACE
Simultaneously handsome and awkward, about 30 years of age.
Ned's lips are whistling but we don't hear a sound.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
He bakes alone, whistling quietly to
himself, rarely pursing his lips
tight enough to produce a sound.
Digby cocks his head, listening to what no one else can hear.
14 INT. PIE HOLE - DINING AREA - DAY 14
Rich and textured, like the inside of a pie. Tufted booths
and a rounded counter bar (with spinning stools) that curves
parallel to the pie facade exterior. Right out of the 40's.
The place is dappled with customers and a single WAITRESS.
CAMERA FINDS OLIVE, a 20-something waitress waiting on regular
customer EMERSON, a late 30's/early 40's African-American
man in a seersucker suit.
OLIVE
Every day I come in, I pick a pie
and concentrate all my love on that
pie. If I love it, then someone
else will love it. And you know what?
By the end of the day I've sold more
of those pies than any other pie in
the bakery.
EMERSON
Yeah? What pie do you love today?
CAMERA PUSHES IN:
OLIVE
Rhubarb.
EMERSON
I'll stick with three plum. Ala mode.
NARRATOR
Emerson Cod, soon to be enjoying a
slice of three plum pie ala mode,
was the sole keeper of the Pie Maker's
secret.
15 EXT. CITY - ROOFTOP - FLASHBACK 15
EMERSON chases a RUNNING MAN across a rooftop.
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10.
NARRATOR
And how he came to be the sole keeper
of the Pie Maker's secret...
The Running Man jumps to make it to the next building and
misses, plunging 10 stories to his death. Emerson looks over
the ledge to see the Running Man HIT a trash bin with a BONE-
CRUNCHING WHAM that most definitely killed the man. But he
BOUNCES into a SLIGHTLY YOUNGER NED who happened to be
emptying the trash at the time.
CAMERA JUMPS TO AN EXTREME-EXTREME-EXTREME CLOSE UP of the
impact and we SEE the POP OF STATIC ELECTRICITY.
CAMERA POPS WIDE as the Dead Running Man OPENS HIS EYES and
takes off again. Slightly Younger Ned gives chase.
Emerson watches as Slightly Younger Ned tackles the Running
Man and he goes limp.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
After the runaway corpse, Emerson
Cod, a Private Investigator, proposed
a partnership with the Pie Maker.
CAMERA PUSHES IN ON Emerson staring, slack-jawed.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Murders are much easier to solve
when you can ask the victim who killed
them.
16 RESUME - PIE HOLE - DAY 16
Ned watches Emerson through the porthole window in the kitchen
door. Emerson looks up from his pie. Their eyes connect.
NARRATOR
Since the bakery was on the verge of
financial ruin, the Pie Maker agreed
so he could keep his Pie Hole open.
17 INT. PIE HOLE - NIGHT 17
It's after hours and the bakery is closed. Blinds are drawn
over the windows and the lights are dim. As CAMERA FINDS Ned
and Emerson sitting at a booth speaking in hushed tones.
Ned, forever the handsome, articulate recluse, fidgets a
bit, uncomfortable in his own skin. Digby sits nearby
listening to them MID-CONVERSATION:
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11.
NED
I asked you not to use the word
"zombie." It's disrespectful.
Stumbling around, squawking for
brains. That's not how they do. And
"undead?" Nobody wants to be un-
anything. Why begin a statement with
a negative? It's like saying "I don't
disagree." Just say you agree.
EMERSON
Are you comfortable with "living
dead?"
Ned shakes his head for a long beat.
NED
You're either living or you're dead.
When you're living, you're alive.
When you're dead, that's what you
are. And when you're dead and then
you're not, you're alive again. Can't
we say "alive again?" Doesn't that
sound nice?
EMERSON
Sounds like you're a narcoleptic.
NED
I suffer from sudden and
uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep?
EMERSON
What's the other one?
NED
Necrophiliac.
EMERSON
Words that sound alike get mixed up
in my head. Used to think masturbation
meant chewing your food. Now are you
interested in this opportunity or
not?
(off his hesitation)
A dog is involved.
NED
(glances at Digby)
What kinda dog?
EMERSON
Gonna be a dead dog. A dead dog named
Cantaloupe. Putting her down.
Allegedly killed her owner.
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12.
NED
When you say allegedly --
EMERSON
Cantaloupe was framed. Someone put
part of the victim in her mouth.
NED
Huh.
EMERSON
Docile as a kitten, says the family.
Emerson holds up a picture of the dog, a chow.
NED
Despite it being a chow -- the breed
most likely to turn on its owner.
EMERSON
That's racial profiling. Looky here,
if the dog's innocent, it's murder.
If it's murder, then there's a reward.
18 AN OIL PAINTING - LEONARD GASWINT AND HIS DOG, CANTALOUPE 18
NARRATOR
The facts were these: one Leonard
Gaswint, 39 years, 42 weeks, 5 days,
3 hours and 26 minutes old, was found
mauled to death in a parking garage.
19 INT. PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT - FLASHBACK 19
A chow named Cantaloupe cleans himself next to a parked car
which partially obscures Leonard Gaswint's corpse.
NARRATOR
His dog Cantaloupe was the soul
witness and only suspect in the
murder.
20 A REWARD SIGN 20
There's a business photo of Leonard Gaswint with text that
reads: "REWARD $20,000."
NARRATOR
Convinced of her innocence, the
Gaswint family offered a significant
reward to find the real killer.
21 INT. POUND - DAY 21
Cantaloupe sits alone in her cell, awaiting execution.
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13.
22 INT. COUNTY CORONER'S OFFICE - DAY 22
Ned and Emerson stand outside the morgue with the CORONER,
who is filling out a series of forms on a clip board. TWO
COUNTY SHERIFFS stand nearby, looking official.
CORONER
You the dog expert?
NED
Uh-huh.
CORONER
Already had a dog expert.
NED
I'm the, uh... other one.
23 INT. COUNTY CORONER'S OFFICE - MORGUE - DAY 23
Emerson and Ned approach a sheet-covered body on a slab.
Ned peeks under the sheet and Emerson takes a step back.
EMERSON
How's he look?
NED
He looks fine, but my threshold is
pretty high so you have to take what
I say with a grain of salt.
Emerson takes a peek under the sheet himself.
EMERSON
It's not a grain of salt. It's one
of those blocks they give cows to
lick. The man's tore up.
NED
He can't help the way he is.
EMERSON
It doesn't make it any less traumatic.
NED
For who?
EMERSON
Me. And I'm sure him. But mainly me.
I'm fine when they don't move. It's
when they move that I have a problem.
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14.
NED
Would it help if I turned off the
light?
EMERSON
Yes.
Ned turns off a metal floor lamp next to the drawer, casting
a shadow over the body and obscuring it. Emerson pulls back
the sheet and reacts to the OFF-CAMERA corpse, mortified.
EMERSON (CONT'D)
I'm gonna wait outside.
Ned watches as Emerson quickly disappears out the door. As
Ned's about to touch dead Leonard Gaswint's hand... CAMERA
JUMPS TO AN EXTREME-EXTREME-EXTREME CLOSE UP and we see the
FAMILIAR POP OF ELECTRICITY. Ned sets the alarm on his watch.
A CLOCK appears in the corner of the SCREEN and begins
counting down from ONE MINUTE. 59 seconds... 58... 57...
Leonard Gaswint sits upright into the light revealing he's
been MAULED. He couldn't be nicer.
LEONARD GASWINT
Hello.
NED
Hi. Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Gaswint.
Or Leonard. Do you prefer --
LEONARD GASWINT
Leo.
NED
Leo. Your, um, current condition...
Ned indicates the missing part of Gaswint's face. The clock
continues to count down: 43... 42... 41...
LEONARD GASWINT
Do I have something right here?
NED
No. There's nothing right there.
LEONARD GASWINT
Damn dog.
NED
Cantaloupe?
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15.
LEONARD GASWINT
No, no. Cantaloupe's docile as a
kitten. It was that rottweiller. My
secretary sicked her dog on me. She's
been upset since last year's Christmas
party. You know, it's a funny story...
Before Gaswint can start, Ned touches him and life slips
from his body instantly. He stops his watch at 27 seconds.
24 INT. COUNTY CORONER'S OFFICE - DAY 24
The Coroner and the Two Sheriff Deputies stand outside, as
before, alone with Emerson. Ned steps out of the morgue.
CORONER
Was it the chow?
NED
The Secretary. With a rottweiler.
25 INT. POUND - DAY - SLOW MOTION 25
Cantaloupe bounds out of her kennel and down the aisle, her
fellow kenneled dogs barking M.O.S. in support.
26 EXT. SECRETARY'S BROWNSTONE 26
SECRETARY and the ROTTWEILLER are escorted out of her
apartment building, surrounded by MEDIA and POLICE. CAMERA
PULLS BACK TO REVEAL the image is on TV. We are --
27 INT. OLIVE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 27
CAMERA CONTINUES PULLING BACK TO REVEAL Olive sitting in a
over-stuffed lounge chair, Digby squeezed in next to her,
his head on her lap. They're watching the evening news.
NEWSCASTER
An anonymous tip led to solving the
murder of a Michigan entrepreneur
believed to have been fatally mauled
by a family pet. The truth, however...
KNOCK-KNOCK. Someone's at the door.
28 INT. HALL OUTSIDE OLIVE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 28
Olive opens the door to find Ned standing on her stoop.
Digby pokes his head out from around the lounge chair. The
NEWSCASTER continues to prattle on in the background.
OLIVE
How was your convention?
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16.
She draws close to him, flirtatious and almost slightly
desperate for him to seduce her. He doesn't engage.
NED
Conventional. How was Digby?
OLIVE
Neurotic. He's a very needy dog. Do
you pet him? Maybe if you pet him
once in a while he wouldn't be so
neurotic.
29 INT. OLIVE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS 29
Ned steps inside and around Olive.
NED
I pet him. I'm allergic so I can't
actually touch him. But I pet him.
OLIVE
With a stick? How do you pet him?
NED
A stick is involved, but it's more
like a handle to a... petting device.
OLIVE
The dog needs to be touched. We all
need to be touched.
NED
You touch him. Other people touch
him.
OLIVE
He's your dog. Do you touch anything?
NED
Of course I... I touch lots of things.
OLIVE
With affection?
She reaches out and touches his shoulder, holding her hand
there an uncomfortable beat. Ned innocently averts his eyes.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
When was the last time someone touched
you with affection?
NED
I get touched.
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17.
She holds his gaze for another uncomfortable moment. He clears
his throat, she finally pulls back her hand.
NED (CONT'D)
Can I get Digby's leash?
(to Digby)
You don't mind that I don't touch
you, do you?
Digby smiles and wags his tail, happy to see Ned.
NARRATOR
And then came the event that changed
everything.
Ned's attention is drawn away from Digby and to the television
news broadcast. A NEWSCASTER reports:
NEWSCASTER
In other news, the body of a young
woman allegedly murdered aboard a
cruise ship was recovered from the
sea. Her identity is being held
pending notification of...
Ned watches on the television as an image of a LIMP, LIFELESS
WOMAN is hauled out of the water by a system of pulleys on
the deck of the cruise ship.
NARRATOR
The Pie-Maker listened intently to
the news, unaware that he stopped
breathing. He was haunted by the
nameless woman who met her end on
the high seas.
Olive approaches with Digby's leash in hand.
OLIVE
Here's your leash.
NARRATOR
But he didn't know why.
OFF Ned, totally rapt, ignoring Olive...
30 INT. PIE HOLE - KITCHEN - DAY 30
Ned has one eye on the pies he's making and the other on the
small television set in the corner of his kitchen.
NEWSCASTER
Her name still withheld, very little
is known of the victim, who was
reportedly traveling alone when ...
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18.
Ned gives Digby a scratch with the petting device.
NEWSCASTER (CONT'D)
...murdered aboard a passenger ship
returning from a tropical cruise.
Ned looks up from the television to see Emerson through the
porthole window in the kitchen door -- he's seated at a booth
in the restaurant. Their eyes connect.
31 INT. PIE HOLE - DINING AREA - NIGHT 31
It's after hours and the bakery is closed. Blinds are drawn
over the windows and the lights are dim.
EMERSON
Been watching the news?
NED
Doesn't seem like much is going on
in the world besides a dead girl on
a boat.
EMERSON
A lot's going on with that dead girl.
NED
That so?
EMERSON
Mmm-hmm. 100,000 dollars of that's
so. Interested in a conversation?
NED
I could be persuaded.
EMERSON
You better be persuaded quick cause
dead girl's about to go in the ground.
NED
They just pulled her out of the water.
EMERSON
Jewish. Christians leave 'em laying
around. Jews gotta get 'em buried.
NED
Where we going?
EMERSON
Coeur d'Coeurs. Ever been there?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
19.
NED
I grew up there. Sort of.
(lost, then:)
So this dead Jewish girl from Coeur
d'Coeurs. She have a name?
EMERSON
Charlotte Charles.
POW. He might as well have punched Ned in the stomach.
SERIES OF QUICK SHOTS FROM NED'S P.O.V.:
-- Young Chuck stomping through the dirt city in her yard.
-- Young Chuck and Young Ned at Halloween. She's Godzilla,
he's Rodan, they hold their candy bags out for goodies.
-- Young Chuck and Young Ned kissing in the graveyard.
RESUME - PIE HOLE - EMERSON AND NED, AS BEFORE
NED
Chuck?
END OF ACT ONE
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20.
ACT TWO
32 INT. TRAIN CAR - DAY 32
Ned and Emerson sit opposite each other next to a window.
EMERSON
You know this girl?
NED
I know of her.
EMERSON
Know of her in the biblical sense?
NED
Haven't thought of her since I was
10.
EMERSON
Think of her a lot when you were 10?
NED
Don't remember anything when I was
10.
NARRATOR
The Pie-Maker remembers everything.
33 EXT. OCEAN - UNDER WATER - FLASHBACK 33
CAMERA IS ANGLED UP at the undulating surface of the water.
SPWOOSH. A BODY breaks the surface in a cloud of bubbles.
NARRATOR
The facts were these... Charlotte
Charles, 28 years, 24 weeks, 3 days,
11 hours, and 51 minutes old, was
found floating in the ocean moments
after her body was discarded there.
The silhouette of dead Charlotte Charles floats in the surf.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Discarded by whom seemed to be a
question only Charlotte Charles could
answer.
CLOSE ON - COFFIN
A simple, pine casket. The lid is set in place over
Charlotte's beautiful, lifeless body. We don't see her face.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Jewish law prescribes burial in a
plain white shroud to demonstrate
equality for all. No bling. For this
reason...
34 EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY 34
The FUNERAL DIRECTOR, a chain-smoking obese man, stands
outside the Home as MOURNERS file inside.
NARRATOR
...the nondenominational Funeral
Director preferred non-Jewish
services.
INSIDE LAVISH COFFINS - 3 QUICK POPS
-- The Funeral Director opens the coffin lid and pulls the
NECKLACE off of a DEAD WOMAN'S neck.
-- ...pulls the WATCH off a DEAD MAN'S wrist.
-- ...pulls the SIZEABLE RING off a DEAD WOMAN'S finger.
35 INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY 35
The Funeral Director continues to watch MOURNERS file in.
CAMERA FINDS Ned and Emerson approaching in the throng of
mourners. Emerson begrudgingly slips the Funeral Director
some cash, he quickly pockets it and opens the door.
36 INT. FUNERAL HOME - VIEWING ROOM - DAY 36
The simple, pine casket in the middle of the room surrounded
by much fancier coffins. The afternoon sun shines through a
window -- a light on the pine casket. Emerson and Ned ENTER.
NED
Um, I just wanna... I wanna... Can't
I do this one alone? On account of,
you know, the whole historical
context?
EMERSON
Got something personal you wanna
say?
NED
No. Okay, perhaps. I have nothing to
gain but a small amount of closure.
EMERSON
Wha'cha got so open it needs closing?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
22.
NED
Just wanna say I'm sorry for
something. One of those stupid things
kids do... that they don't know
they're doin'.
EMERSON
You ask who killed her first.
NED
Okay.
EMERSON
You only got one minute.
NED
I know.
EMERSON
60 seconds.
NED
I know.
Emerson walks out eyeing Ned, who closes the door behind
him. Alone in the room, Ned braces his back on the door and
takes a deep breath. Gulp. He slowly approaches the casket.
Ned runs his hand over the pine frame then lifts the lid,
bathing the body of Charlotte Charles, aka CHUCK, in sunlight.
NARRATOR
Only Prince Charming could know how
the Pie-Maker felt upon looking at
her.
Even in death she's beautiful, a woman yet very much the
little girl he once knew.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Great thought was taken as to where
to touch her. The hand too impersonal,
lips too forward, the cheek... the
cheek.
Ned's finger closes in on Chuck's alabaster cheek and CAMERA
JUMPS TO AN EXTREME-EXTREME-EXTREME CLOSE UP of his slow
caress. A CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY between finger and cheek.
A CLOCK appears in the corner of the SCREEN and begins
counting down from ONE MINUTE. 59...
Chuck opens her beautiful eyes and blinks. Ned can only stare
back at her. The moment is as electric as his touch.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23.
He smiles at her, expecting a warm smile in return but
instead... WHAM. She grabs him by the jacket and SLAMS HIS
HEAD between the coffin and its lid. WHAM-WHAM-WHAM.
NED
OW.
Chuck scrambles out of her coffin as Ned stumbles back in a
daze. She grabs a chair and raises it to hit him again.
NED (CONT'D)
Chuck! Wait.
CHUCK
Who are you?
NED
Do you remember the little boy who
lived next door to you when your dad
died?
CHUCK
Yeah...
NED
We used to destroy small villages
together?
Chuck stares at him a moment... confused... then...
CHUCK
Ned? Hey. How's it going?
She finally puts the chair down. 46... 45... 44...
NED
Good. You look great. Um, do you
know what's happening right now?
CHUCK
I had the strangest dream I was being
strangled to death with a plastic
sack.
NED
It wasn't a dream. You were...
strangled to death with a plastic
sack. That's probably an odd thing
to hear but I wasn't quite sure how
to sugar-coat it.
It takes a moment. She glances at her burial shroud, her
coffin and finally the viewing room filled with caskets.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
24.
CHUCK
Oh. Oh. And I'm...? Neat. How...?
NED
You only have a minute. Less. About
38 seconds.
CHUCK
Huh. What can I do in 38 seconds?
NED
You can tell me who killed you so,
um, you know, justice can be served.
CHUCK
That is so sweet. I just wanna put
you in my pocket. But I don't know
who killed me. I went to go get ice.
I was filling my bucket and I dropped
my room key in the ice maker and
just as I was thinking that was
dumb...
37 INT. CRUISE SHIP - CORRIDOR - MEMORY FLASH - VERY QUICK
ACTION 37
CHUCK stands at the ice machine perplexed with a bucket of
ice under her arm. FWIP - a bag is thrown violently over her
head. She sucks air and it shrink-wraps to her face.
The ice tumbles to the deck in the FOREGROUND as Chuck is
murdered in the BACKGROUND.
38 RESUME - FUNERAL HOME - VIEWING ROOM - DAY 38
CHUCK
...then you touched my cheek.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP: Ned's watch alarm goes off. 15 seconds left.
CHUCK (CONT'D)
Is my time up?
NED
I'm sorry.
And Chuck was just starting to get used to being alive again.
It's weird and sad, but all she can think to say is:
CHUCK
Thanks for calling me Chuck. Nobody's
called me Chuck since... you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
25.
39 INT. FUNERAL HOME - OUTSIDE VIEWING ROOM - DAY 39
Emerson RAP-RAP-RAPS on the door.
EMERSON
I heard you beeping.
NED'S VOICE
Just a second.
40 RESUME - VIEWING ROOM - DAY 40
Chuck back in her coffin, Ned holding the lid. 11... 10...
He stumbles on his words, trying to speak but overwhelmed:
NED
Before you...
CHUCK
Yeah?
NED
I wanted to say I'm...
Staring at her, Ned can't bring himself to tell her he
inadvertently killed her father. So instead he says:
NED (CONT'D)
I used to... when I lived next door
to you... I had a cru... I was in...
You were my first kiss.
CHUCK
(smiles, touched)
You were my first kiss, too. Or did
you think I'd been around?
NED
I didn't want to assume.
CHUCK
Wanna be my last kiss? First and
last? Or is that weird?
NED
It's not weird. It's symmetrical.
5... 4... He looks at her and slowly moves in for the kiss.
She closes her eyes. Their lips are about to connect when...
41 INT. FUNERAL HOME - BATHROOM - DAY 41
The Funeral Director scoots into the stall, pulling down his
pants, sitting on the toilet and striking up a cigarette.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
26.
42 RESUME - VIEWING ROOM - DAY 42
Ned and Chuck, their lips hang in the air, centimeters apart.
NARRATOR
His lips went as far as they would
go. He couldn't will them to go any
further.
Chuck opens her eyes. 2... 1... Minute's up.
43 INT. FUNERAL HOME - BATHROOM - DAY 43
A beat, then THUNK -- we HEAR The Funeral Director's lifeless
head hit the stall door. Then the smoking cigarette drops.
44 RESUME - VIEWING ROOM - DAY 44
Ned slowly pulls away from Chuck, who lies there blinking.
He let her live and someone else died, the weight of it all
is clearly on Ned's face when he looks back at Chuck.
CHUCK
If you don't wanna kiss me, you
don't... It was just a... I thought
it might...
NED
No. I want to, I do... I... What if
you didn't have to... be dead?
CHUCK
Well, that would be preferable.
RAP-RAP-RAP, Emerson pounds on the door.
NED
Nobody can know. I have to think
about how to get you outta here. Can
you lay really still until I get
back?
CHUCK
Uh, sure --
Before she can finish, he's closing the coffin lid.
45 INT. FUNERAL HOME - OUTSIDE VIEWING ROOM - DAY 45
Ned emerges from the viewing room, quickly shutting the door
behind him. He's nervous and a little sweaty.
NED
She doesn't know. Didn't know.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
27.
EMERSON
Someone tossed her carcass off a
boat and -- why are you sweating?
NED
I'm -- it's warm in there. What?
EMERSON
Your eye's twitching. When people
aren't telling the truth, their eye
twitches. Right there. Like yours
did, just now.
NED
It's nerves. Aggravated by a stomach
thing. Like acid reflux but in my
eye. I think I'm gonna stay for the
service.
EMERSON
S'that so?
NED
Feeling nostalgic. I'll catch a later
train. Remember how to get to the
station? It's down the, uh... Great.
46 INT. FUNERAL HOME - VIEWING ROOM - DAY 46
Ned runs in and STARTLES at an ELDERLY JEWISH MAN standing
next to where Chuck's coffin was but no longer is. The Elderly
Jewish Man STARTLES, as well.
NED
Where... uh, where's the deceased?
He points to an open back door.
ELDERLY JEWISH MAN
Gone to sleep with her fathers.
NED
What? I'm sor -- You sort of mumbled.
ELDERLY JEWISH MAN
She's getting buried.
NED
Presently?
OFF Ned's ohshit of it all...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
28.
47 EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY 47
The HEARSE is pulling away as Ned BURSTS out of the doors of
the Funeral Home in PANICKED HOT PURSUIT.
CUT TO BLACK.
END OF ACT TWO
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
29.
ACT THREE
48 EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY 48
Ned runs across the cemetery vaulting over headstones. He
cuts into a road and falls into step behind the Hearse.
49 INT. HEARSE - THROUGH REAR WINDOW - DAY 49
Ned chases the hearse until he disappears in a cloud of dust.
50 EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY 50
Ned waves at the clouds of dust. He sees the Hearse continue
down the driveway until it turns onto the street, a long
line of cars pull out behind it.
Ned sees which direction the Hearse is heading and cuts across
the Funeral Home yard, jumping over fences and hedges.
51 INT. COFFIN - DARK 51
The small amount of light coming through the joints of the
coffin barely illuminates Chuck. She's beaming, awestruck.
NARRATOR
Only Sleeping Beauty could know how
Chuck felt at this moment. With a
brush of his finger across her cheek,
the world became a place of magic.
Chuck is suddenly JOSTLED.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
And then the pallbearers pulled her
out of the hearse.
52 INT. FUNERAL HOME - VIEWING ROOM - DAY 52
8 PALLBEARERS pick up the casket and carry it out the back
door following the RABBI walking ahead of them. The
Pallbearers are unevenly matched -- tall on one side, short
on the other -- consequently there's some slippage.
53 INT. COFFIN - DARK 53
Chuck continues to be jostled about.
54 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD/SYNAGOGUE - DAY 54
The Pallbearers stop and we HEAR Chuck slide up and bump her
head on the inside of the coffin.
CHUCK'S MUFFLED VOICE
Ow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30.
Two Pallbearers react to the "Ow," glancing at one another
over the top of the casket, each thinking it was the other.
55 EXT. DIRT ROAD - DAY 55
Ned runs as fast as he can, spying the cemetery up ahead.
He quickens his pace, running past the last of the mourners.
56 INT. COFFIN - DARK 56
Chuck lies there, waiting patiently.
NARRATOR
Lying in the dark, Chuck considered
how she came to be lying in the dark.
57 EXT. SWIMMING POOL - DAY - FLASHBACK 57
CAMERA PUSHES IN ON YOUNGER VIVIAN AND YOUNGER LILY, their
backs to us as they sit on the side of the pool facing very,
very sparsely populated audience stands, mermaid fins cover
their legs. A SIGN READS: "The Darling Mermaid Darlings."
NARRATOR
She considered the life that was
with Aunts Lily and Vivian.
58 EXT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - DAY - FLASHBACK 58
The yard is over-run with growth and the paint is peeling.
NARRATOR
No longer nursing at the teat of
synchronized swimming stardom, their
personality disorders blossomed into
incapacitating social phobias.
59 INT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - DAY 59
VIVIAN (early 50's) is cleaning a birdcage. LILY (early 50's
dressed in a kimono and an eyepatch) shields her eyes.
NARRATOR
Which made it difficult for them to
leave the house.
CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL... they're surrounded by DOZENS
AND DOZENS of CAGED BIRDS in a maze of STACKS AND STACKS of
newspapers and magazines. Chuck is moving through the house
opening curtains and windows and allowing fresh air to flow.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Which in turn made it difficult for
Chuck to leave them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
31.
60 EXT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - BACKYARD - FLASHBACK 60
Chuck is wearing a bee keeper's outfit and pulling cells of
honeycomb out of the hive.
NARRATOR
She never strayed far from home. She
served the community by harvesting
honey in her backyard...
ON A HOMELESS MAN
He's below a banner reading: "HONEY FOR THE HOMELESS: HONEY
DRIVE." Chuck stands next to him holding a jar of honey.
61 INT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - CHUCK'S BEDROOM - FLASHBACK 61
As Chuck sits in the window sill reading a novel, the empty
shelves in the room FILL WITH BOOKS until the walls are
"literally" covered.
NARRATOR
...and read about people she could
never be, on adventures she would
never have.
62 INT. "BOUTIQUE TRAVEL" TRAVEL BOUTIQUE - FLASHBACK 62
Chuck ENTERS glancing around at all the promise of adventure.
NARRATOR
Life was good enough until one day...
it wasn't. Chuck wanted more.
CHUCK'S P.O.V. as she approaches the smiling MANAGER DIEDRE
next to giant STANDEE advertising a TAHITIAN CRUISE.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
The irony that her want for life got
her killed was not lost.
63 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD/SYNAGOGUE - NIGHT - THE PRESENT 63
CAMERA ROCKETS through the headstones until FINDING a large
mound of earth next to a hole in the ground next to a
headstone that reads "Charles Charles, Loving Father." The
TWO GRAVEYARD WORKERS seen earlier are about to take their
first shovels-full of dirt and sling them into Chuck's grave.
Ned runs up to the Graveyard Workers, out of breath.
NED
Hey, I think somebody's truck's on
fire.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
32.
They look over his shoulder to see their work truck CONSUMED
IN FLAMES. The Workers GASP and run to put out the fire.
GRAVEYARD WORKERS
Holy -- Oh, jeez --
Ned makes sure they're not looking and jumps into the grave,
pulling the lid off the coffin. Chuck sits up and smiles at
the sight of her Prince Charming. He returns the gesture:
NED
Sorry I'm late.
64 INT. PIE HOLE - NIGHT 64
Chuck and Ned sit at a booth, Chuck wrapped in his coat. He
watches her devour a piece of pie and a large glass of milk.
Ned is still filthy from digging up her grave.
CHUCK
I can't even hug you? What if you
need a hug? A hug can turn your day
around.
NED
I'm not a fan of the hug.
CHUCK
Then you haven't been hugged properly.
It's an emotional Heimlich. Someone
puts their arms around you, gives a
squeeze. All your fear and anxiety
comes shooting out of your mouth in
a big, wet wad and you can breath
again.
NED
That's fine for someone else to do,
if I'm choking. On something other
than emotion. But you can't touch
me.
CHUCK
So a kiss is out of the question.
(off his look)
I'm teasing. I'm teasing you.
NED
Lost my train of thought.
CHUCK
This is the most delicious pie I've
ever tasted... you use a lot of
butter?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
33.
He shakes his head, then touches a piece of fruit that's
fallen out of the pie, it SHRIVELS before our very eyes.
CHUCK (CONT'D)
Never had so much in common with a
pie.
(back to point)
Why didn't you touch me twice? I
haven't seen you in 20 years.
NED
I have a very good memory.
CHUCK
How long were you thinking about
this?
NED
Like thinking-thinking? It wasn't
premeditated. I wasn't lying in
wait. More like I was musing on the
idea. Not, you know, dwelling. But
I wasn't seriously considering until
the exact moment I did it. Or, um,
didn't do it.
Chuck stares at him a moment -- this is all overwhelming.
CHUCK
I always wondered if you'd come back.
I guess you came back when I needed
you most. Well, that would've been
before I was killed but this worked
out.
NED
You understand you can't go back,
right? You can't see your aunts.
CHUCK
They're shut-ins, it's not like they
talk to anybody.
NED
People aren't used to this sort of
thing. Issues of morality and "how
come she's not dead anymore?" It'd
be a disaster.
CHUCK
I suppose dying is as good excuse as
any to start living my own life.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
34.
NED
At least you're not the only Jew
whose ever risen from the dead.
CHUCK
I am if you asked a Jew.
65 INT. NED'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 65
Ned and Chuck stand in front of Digby, who wags his tail.
It's clear from Ned's slouching that he's exhausted.
NED
This is Digby.
CHUCK
Wasn't your old dog named Digby?
NED
This is him.
CHUCK
Did he...? Did you...? And now
he's...?
NED
Yes.
CHUCK
You seem to do that a lot. Why do
you do that a lot?
NED
It's just the two of you. I don't
mean to be a bad host but I'm sort
of exhausted from chasing your coffin.
CHUCK
Oh, oh, of course.
Ned crosses to the couch and lays down, dirt and all.
NED
I'm gonna sleep here, you take the
bed. I insist. My eyes are rolling
back into my head. I'm laying down
now.
But Ned is already sound asleep. He snores quietly
CHUCK
(softly)
I'd kiss you if it wouldn't kill me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
35.
66 INT. NED'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT 66
Chuck sits up in bed, watching the TELEVISION NEWS. A candid
"while living" PICTURE OF CHUCK's smiling face looms over
NEWSCASTER #1'S shoulder as he recites the news:
NEWSCASTER #1
28 year-old "Lonely Tourist" Charlotte
Charles was laid to rest earlier
today --
NARRATOR
In a strange bed watching her own
funeral on the evening news, Chuck
was struck by the undignified nature
of celebrity.
Every time she CLICKS the remote the NEWSCASTER changes but
her haunting "while living" picture stays the same.
NEWSCASTER #3
A passenger heard a commotion just
moments before the victim's body
fell past his window --
NARRATOR
Maybe her death should be celebrated.
If she hadn't died, she wouldn't
have this chance to finally live.
NEWSCASTER #3
Boutique Travel travel boutique has
offered a 100,000 dollar reward for
the murderer of customer Charlotte
Charles.
Chuck reacts, no one said anything about a reward.
67 INT. NED'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 67
Ned sleeps on the couch. CAMERA SLOWLY REVEALS Chuck sitting
on the big wing-back chair opposite him.
CHUCK
Ned?
NED
Hmmm?
CHUCK
Would I be alive right now if I knew
who killed me?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
36.
NED
Of course. Don't be silly -- That's
a -- Something on the news about the
reward?
CHUCK
You said you wanted to know who killed
me so justice could be served. But I
don't think justice was on the menu.
Maybe as a side dish. But not an
entree.
NED
It most certainly was an entree. It
was a special of the d -- Can we
drop the metaphor? I wouldn't have
known you died if it weren't for the
reward.
CHUCK
When were you gonna tell me?
NED
In the morning or when it came up.
Which ever didn't come first.
CHUCK
100,000 dollars makes a lotta pie.
NED
50 thousand. I have a business
partner.
CHUCK
It's a business?
NED
Not in the traditional sense.
CHUCK
You touch murder victims, ask who
killed them, touch 'em again, they
go back to being dead and you collect
the reward?
NED
Yeah... that's it in a nutshell.
CHUCK
Are you after my reward? I'm not mad
at ya, I just wanna know. I'll be
mad at ya if you lie to me, though.
Is that why you're keeping me around?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
37.
NED
I don't want your reward.
CHUCK
I'll be so mad if you're lying. You'll
have me scratching the drapes.
NED
I'm not lying. Please don't attack
the window treatments.
CHUCK
Okay. Go back to sleep.
Chuck stands and returns to the bedroom. Ned lays his head
back down on the couch, unable to shut his eyes.
68 INT. NED'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT 68
Chuck in bed, facing the living room. She closes her eyes
and reaches out and puts her palm to the wall.
CAMERA RISES TO AN OVERHEAD ANGLE FINDING NED
...on the other side. He reaches out and touches the wall.
He and Chuck appear to be holding hands side by side.
69 INT. NED'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - MORNING 69
Chuck opens her eyes to find a note taped to the lamp shade.
It reads: "Please do NOT leave this apartment."
70 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - HALL - MORNING 70
Chuck, in long coat, scarf and sunglasses, turns and is
surprised to see Olive standing outside her apartment
surprised to see a woman coming out of Ned's.
CHUCK
I'm a friend of Ned's.
Olive sizes her up for a moment, then out of curiosity:
OLIVE
Does he touch you?
71 INT. PIE HOLE - MORNING 71
Emerson sits opposite Ned before the bakery is open.
EMERSON
How was the service?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
38.
NED
You know, just paid my respects.
EMERSON
Weren't looking to get paid?
NED
Hmmm?
EMERSON
Might see a dead woman speaking to
you in confidence as an opportunity
to make a whole lot of money by your
lonesome. Regardless of prior
arrangements.
NED
There's no opportunity here.
With that, Chuck slides into the booth next to Emerson.
CHUCK
Hi. Are you the business partner?
EMERSON
Yes, ma'am.
CHUCK
Charlotte Charles. Call me Chuck.
Emerson can only stare. Ned buries his face in his hands.
CHUCK (CONT'D)
I've been ruminating. And by
ruminating I mean pondering, not
chewing cud. How about we solve my
murder and collect the reward.
Wouldn't that be poetic? It's
certainly an anecdote.
EMERSON
She's supposed to be in the ground.
NED
(to Chuck)
I thought you didn't want the reward.
CHUCK
No. I wanted you not to want the
reward. 100,000 dollars is a lot of
money. How about a 3 way split?
30/30/40? Only fair I get more. I
did die for it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
39.
NED
I'm not a detective. I make pies.
CHUCK
You can't just touch somebody's life
and be done with it.
NED
Yes, I can. That's how I roll.
CHUCK
For someone who brings people back
to life, you're awfully dead inside.
Ned reacts to that, stung.
EMERSON
I can do 30/30/40.
NED
She's supposed to be dead.
(to Chuck)
You're supposed to be dead. I think
this is pushing your luck.
CHUCK
Yes, well, luck pushed me first.
OFF Chuck's determination...
END OF ACT THREE
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
40.
ACT FOUR
72 EXT. PIE HOLE - ROOF - DAY 72
Emerson and Ned on the googie-esque pie crust roof.
EMERSON
It's just so shockingly stupid I
have a hard time believing you did
it.
NED
You just agreed to be her partner.
EMERSON
I intend to profit from your
stupidity. Are you in love with
her? Cause it's that level of stupid.
NED
I'll admit to being confused. This
is a very confusing time. Childhood
issues. Diggin' in the dirt. S'all
coming up.
EMERSON
We all have the childhood issues. I
got a full subscription. Horror
stories.
NED
I kinda killed her dad when I was
10.
EMERSON
Maybe not "horror" stories.
NED
She doesn't know. I wanted to make
it better or different from what it
was because what it was was her dead
and I didn't want that to be my fault,
too.
EMERSON
Who died instead, Captain Sav'a'ho?
Ned hands him the folded newspaper in his back pocket.
NED
It's a random proximity thing.
EMERSON
Bitch, I was in proximity.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
41.
NED
I wasn't thinking.
Emerson glances at the obituaries and a circled picture of
the now deceased obese, chain-smoking Funeral Director.
EMERSON
I wondered where he went.
NED
Thank god he was an A-hole. He took
stuff off of dead people and sold it
on ebay. It's all in the obituary.
EMERSON
Oh, that's nice. Fact he was an A-
hole make you feel better about what
you did?
NED
Yes. Immensely. I would've felt
horrible if it was... you, for
example.
Emerson slaps Ned upside the head.
NED (CONT'D)
Ow. I'm not proud.
EMERSON
I like that you did it. Makes the
worst thing I ever did seem
insignificant.
NED
Listen to you all judgey-judge.
EMERSON
You don't know this woman. You don't
know anything about her. Except she
got herself killed.
As Ned takes that in...
NARRATOR
The Pie-Maker hadn't considered Chuck
could be anything but the little
girl next door he fell in love with.
CAMERA DRIFTS OVER THE LEDGE to find the side of the Pie
Hole Bakery, moving through a window and into:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
42.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
She only ever had charitable thoughts
and her heart was filled with
kindness.
73 INT. PIE HOLE - DAY 73
CAMERA FINDS Chuck sitting at the booth alone.
NARRATOR
She was who he wanted her to be and
no one else... until proven otherwise.
Ned and Emerson slide into the booth next to Chuck.
CHUCK
I'm not who you think I am.
Emerson gives Ned a side-long glance.
EMERSON
Who does he think you are?
CHUCK
The small town girl who never saw
the world only to have her first
time out be her last. Well, that is
who I am but I've been hoisted upon
my own petard.
NED
What's a petard?
CHUCK
In my case, a petard is the wander-
lust that compromised my judgment.
That Tahitian getaway was a devil's
bargain. And the devil... was Diedre.
74 INT. "BOUTIQUE TRAVEL" TRAVEL BOUTIQUE - FLASHBACK 74
Diedre Duffield holds the door open for Chuck as she ENTERS.
Once inside, Diedre locks the door behind her.
NARRATOR
Diedre Duffield was the local manager
of Boutique Travel travel boutique
who lured Chuck with the promise of
a highseas adventure at no cost...
RESUME - PIE HOLE
CHUCK
All I had to do was pick up a package
for Diedre.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
43.
NED
Are you a drug mule?
CHUCK
No. I'm a monkey mule. I met a man
in a park and he gave me a brief
case.
BRIEF CASE - FLASHBACK
A stainless steel Halliburton molded in an alligator print.
The case opens to REVEAL a pair of PLASTER MONKEY STATUES.
RESUME - PIE HOLE
NED
You died for a pair of plaster
monkeys?
CHUCK
Diedre said their value was
sentimental.
EMERSON
Those must be some emotional monkeys.
CHUCK
Yes, well, clearly he didn't want to
part with them. You should ask Diedre
about all of this. I'm very curious
what she has to say.
75 INT. TRAVEL BOUTIQUE - DAY - FLASHBACK 75
CAMERA PULLS BACK FROM Diedre the Boutique Manager to REVEAL
she's SPEAKING M.O.S. in front of SEVERAL REPORTERS.
NARRATOR
The facts were these: in a shrewd
marketing ploy, the Boutique Travel
travel boutique offered a 100,000
dollar reward in the death of
Charlotte Charles.
76 EXT. BOUTIQUE TRAVEL TRAVEL BOUTIQUE - DAY - PRESENT 76
Emerson, Ned and Chuck pull up in front of the building.
Only Ned and Emerson get out. Chuck slouches in the back.
NARRATOR
Boutique Travel travel boutique
manager, Diedre Duffield, hoped it
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
44.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
would catch a killer before a killer
caught her.
77 INT. BOUTIQUE TRAVEL TRAVEL BOUTIQUE - DAY - PRESENT 77
Ned and Emerson open the door. They step inside and a bell
CHIMES. The store appears to be empty, they look around.
EMERSON
Hello? Anybody home?
Ned looks around as Emerson goes into:
78 INT. BOUTIQUE TRAVEL TRAVEL BOUTIQUE - BACK ROOM 78
Emerson ENTERS and stops short at strangled-to-death Diedre
sitting at the break table, plastic bag over her head.
NARRATOR
Although on-line sales increased by
23 percent, the reward fell short of
achieving its desired goal.
NED
(as he ENTERS)
This is really no way to run a --
Oh.
MOMENTS LATER
Chuck is now staring at Diedre's
dead body along with Ned and Emerson.
Chuck carefully pulls the bag off
her head.
CHUCK
Well, I guess I can't be too mad at
her. Is that how they found me? That's
humiliating. She looks horrible.
NED
I wonder how long she's been here.
EMERSON
Touch the poor bitch and ask her.
NED
(hesitates, to Chuck)
I'm sort of embarrassed to do it in
front of you.
Chuck turns around and Ned touches Diedre. A familiar POP OF
ELECTRICITY. Diedre opens her eyes, blinks and sits up. She
glances around, more than a little confused -- wasn't she
just murdered. She locks eyes with Chuck.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
45.
A CLOCK appears in the corner of the SCREEN: 59... 58...
DIEDRE
Hey, Charlotte.
CHUCK
Hey, Diedre.
DIEDRE
Now why'd I know you'd be the first
person I'd see when I got to... is
this... which one is this?
CHUCK
This isn't either. Or maybe it's
both. But here's the deal: you get
to talk for like a minute so we're
gonna catch up. Then you're... not
talking anymore.
DIEDRE
Does everybody get to do this? Cause,
girl, we got to break it down.
CHUCK
Did you know I was gonna get killed?
DIEDRE
I thought it might be a possibility.
And I'm real sorry about that. I
probably should have said something.
But to be honest, and really? Why
not at this point? If it was safe, I
would've done it myself. This is
fantastic. Being honest is fun.
Chuck is stunned. The clock continues: 34... 33... 32...
EMERSON
(sotto, to Chuck)
Ask who the dude was that killed
you. And her. And what's with the
monkeys.
DIEDRE
(re: Ned and Emerson)
Um, who are those people?
CHUCK
That's Emerson. I don't know him
really. And this is Ned. He was my
first kiss.
DIEDRE
Oh, now he's adorable. Look at this --
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
46.
Diedre reaches over and pinches Ned's cheek and THUNK! Her
head hits the table as she goes back to being dead INSTANTLY.
EMERSON
You couldn't have taken a step back?
NED
I didn't know she was gonna pinch my
cheek. Who does that?
CHUCK
She... actually, she does that a
lot.
EMERSON
Whoever killed you, killed your girl
Diedre as evidenced by the plastic
sack. But why would whoever killed
you kill her if he already got his
monkeys.
CHUCK
I dropped my key in the ice maker.
He couldn't get in my room.
79 INT. CRUISE SHIP - CORRIDOR - MEMORY FLASH 79
The PLASTIC SACK KILLER, his face OUT OF FRAME, stands outside
a cabin door holding dead Chuck slumped over in his arms, as
he fumbles through her bathrobe for her room key.
PLASTIC SACK KILLER
Oh, for Pete's sake.
He tries the handle, it doesn't open.
PLASTIC SACK KILLER (CONT'D)
This is a nightmare.
RESUME - BOUTIQUE TRAVEL TRAVEL BOUTIQUE - BREAK ROOM
NED
He doesn't have the monkeys.
CHUCK
When you get murdered on a boat,
where do they send your stuff?
EMERSON
Your next of kin.
CHUCK
If I got killed for the monkeys and
Diedre got killed for the monkeys
then...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
47.
CLOSE ON - THE BRIEFCASE
CAMERA VERY QUICKLY PULLS BACK TO REVEAL we're in:
80 INT. CHUCK'S CHILDHOOD HOME - CHUCK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 80
The room has been stripped of all personal belongings. The
briefcase sits on a bed, surrounded by STACKS OF BOOKS. In
fact, the whole room is filled with STACKS OF NEWSPAPER.
CAMERA CONTINUES PULLING BACK INTO...
THE HALLWAY
...and down the stairs to the:
LIVING ROOM
Vivian is preparing a cheese platter while Lily watches an
old television playing a NEWSREEL of the DARLING MERMAID
DARLINGS in action, swimming in circles under water.
NARRATOR
It was Aunt Vivian and Aunt Lily who
received custody of the monkeys. And
they were about to be paid a visit
by the man willing to kill for them.
DING-DONG. The doorbell rings.
LILY
Get that, would you dear?
END OF ACT FOUR
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
48.
ACT FIVE
81 EXT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - NIGHT - MOMENTS EARLIER 81
Ned's VINTAGE MERCEDES screeches to a halt across the street
from Chuck's Aunts' House. Ned, Emerson and Chuck hop out.
NED
You stay here.
CHUCK
I just wanna look in the windows.
Like the ghost of Christmas past.
NED
This isn't your Christmas anymore.
CHUCK
I want my pie and I wanna eat it,
too. I'll get crumbs in the bed I
don't mind.
NED
You can't. You can have your pie,
but you can't eat it. That's how it
works.
NARRATOR
Chuck was the Pie-Maker's pie and he
could never have a bite.
EMERSON
You're making me hungry.
CHUCK
What if something happened? What if
they got hoisted on my petard, too?
I would just die. Again.
NED
I wish I could give you an emotional
Heimlich so you could cough up that
wad of fear and anxiety, but... I
can't.
Ned stares at her, his heart swells.
NED (CONT'D)
(to Emerson)
Give her a hug.
Emerson gives Chuck a hug.
NED (CONT'D)
That was from me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
49.
Chuck watches them cross the street to her Aunts' house.
NARRATOR
For 19 years, 33 weeks, 3 days, 7
hours and 42 minutes, Aunt Vivian
and Aunt Lily were all Chuck had.
And before Chuck, all they had were
each other.
82 INT. POOL - DAY - FLASHBACK 82
Teen Vivian and Lily loll underwater, rolling over and over
languidly in sea-shell bikini tops and mermaid fin bottoms.
NARRATOR
They made a name for themselves as
the "Darling Mermaid Darlings."
Teen Vivian and Teen Lily dive, pivot, shoot out of the water
and flip, perfectly synchronized. The CROWD goes wild.
83 INT. POOL - DAY - FLASHBACK - 15 YEARS LATER 83
30's VIVIAN and LILY loll underwater, rolling over and over
less gracefully than before, their mermaid fins not as cute.
NARRATOR
Still holding onto their fading glory
as under-water artists, their lives
were changed forever...
84 INT. BATHROOM - FLASHBACK 84
CAMERA MOVES PAST an advertisement for the "Darling Mermaid
Darlings" to FIND 40's Lily cleaning the litter box as the
cat waits patiently for her to be done. She accidentally
flips cat sand in her own face and recoils.
NARRATOR
...when Lily cleaned the litter box
and got dirty cat sand in her eye.
85 INT. POOL - DAY - FLASHBACK 85
The cat now sits at the edge of the pool watching 30's Vivian
and 30's Lily (with an eye patch) loll underwater with no
indication of grace, colliding into each other.
NARRATOR
Not only was the eye lost but their
careers, too.
The CROWD in the stands is only 7 percent of what it was.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50.
86 EXT. SYNAGOGUE - DAY - FLASHBACK 86
Young Chuck and 30's Vivian and 40's Lily lead a RABBI and a
train of PALLBEARERS carrying her father's coffin through
the GRAVEYARD on the hill above the Synagogue.
NARRATOR
They retreated behind a fence and
made sure the world stayed on the
other side.
87 INT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - PRESENT 87
Vivian is preparing a cheese platter while Lily watches an
old television playing a NEWSREEL of the DARLING MERMAID
DARLINGS in action, swimming in circles under water.
DING-DONG. The doorbell rings.
LILY
Get that, would you dear?
88 EXT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - NIGHT - PRESENT 88
Ned and Emerson stand at a walk-in gate talking to a box.
VIVIAN'S VOICE
Hello?
NED
Hi. Uh, my name is Ned. I lived next
door 20 years ago. I was a friend of
Chuck's... or Charlotte's, rather.
Emerson shoots him a look. BUZZZ. The walk in gate unlatches
and Ned turns and gives Chuck in the car a thumbs up. She
returns the thumbs up and then immediately scrambles out of
the car, running to catch the gate before it closes.
89 INT. CHUCK'S CHILDHOOD HOME - NIGHT 89
Ned and Emerson sit opposite Vivian, they're surrounded by
CAGED BIRDS of all varieties and a maze of newspaper stacks.
As Vivian sets a sad cobbled-together cheese and cracker
plate in front of their guests, Lily prattles on:
LILY
Charlotte was a firecracker. Always
trying to get us out of the house,
threatening to bake anti-depressants
into our food. Got to the point I
was scared to eat anything she cooked.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
51.
VIVIAN
She was a good cook. And a nice girl.
Do you like girls?
NED
Yes, ma'am.
VIVIAN
Charlotte was a nice girl. With the
exception of puberty. Which was
unfortunately the same time Lily was
going through her change of life.
LILY
It's impolite to discuss a person's
menopause in mixed company.
VIVIAN
It nearly killed me.
Lily turns the subject back to Charlotte.
LILY
Horrible the way Charlotte died. On
a cruise. Last days spent surrounded
by middle-aged over-weight women who
wear sweatshirts with things sewn to
them. Usually kittens made of felt.
And the food is perfectly atrocious.
Unless she enjoyed vomiting and
diarrhea, I can't imagine she had a
good last meal.
EMERSON
A good last meal goes a long way.
Our penal system makes a point of
it.
NED
It's nice she had a little glimpse
of the world before she died.
LILY
The world isn't that great.
VIVIAN
At least she had the sense not to
fly. Airplanes fall outta the sky
every day.
(TO EMERSON)
Cheese? I recommend the pure goat
with blue ash. Has a grassy flavor.
Emerson takes a bite.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
52.
EMERSON
It does have a grassy flavor.
VIVIAN
It's delicious with Charlotte's honey.
You haven't lived until you've tasted
her honey. The homeless love it.
LILY
(holds off emotion)
We'll never taste her honey again.
90 EXT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - NIGHT 90
Chuck peers through the window at her Aunts, examining the
life she left behind. Regardless of their neurosis, Chuck's
Aunts were the only family she had and she loves them.
NARRATOR
For the life of her, Chuck couldn't
remember why she was so desperate to
leave her Aunts behind.
91 INT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - NIGHT 91
Ned reacts as he catches Chuck peering through the window.
He tries not to lose his focus and keep on task:
NED
Not to change the subject, but has
the cruise line returned her
belongings? Specifically a stainless
steel briefcase?
92 EXT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - NIGHT 92
Chuck spots Ned spotting her and ducks out of sight.
She sneaks another look at her Aunts through the window,
surrounded by their feathered friends in cages. She moves
around the side of the house, eyes the stacks of bee hives.
93 INT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - CHUCK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 93
Chuck opens the window, climbs inside, finds the bed with
the suitcase and the briefcase on the springs on top. A lone
parrot is on its perch in the its cage in the corner. Chuck
opens the briefcase to reveal the twin PLASTER MONKEYS.
NARRATOR
The monkeys of indeterminate
sentimental value took on a new
sentimental value for Chuck. If she
couldn't keep her Aunts, she was
going to keep them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
53.
She HEARS footsteps coming up the stairs. She pulls the
monkeys out of the briefcase.
94 UPSTAIRS LANDING - NIGHT 94
Lily walks up the stairs.
95 CHUCK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 95
Chuck snaps the briefcase shut and moves toward the window.
She stops and takes a look around and slips outside.
Lily ENTERS narrowly missing Chuck. Lily crosses to the window
and pulls it shut, yanking the curtains closed.
96 EXT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - LEDGE - NIGHT 96
Chuck stands on the ledge out of sight, the two plaster
monkeys under her arm.
97 INT. CHUCK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 97
Lily moves to the bed and picks up the briefcase. Behind
her, silhouetted in the door, a MAN quietly ENTERS the room.
The parrot SQUAWKS.
PARROT
"Oh, for Pete's sake."
Lily turns around and FWIP - a bag is thrown violently over
her head. She sucks air and it shrink-wraps to her face.
98 EXT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - LEDGE - NIGHT 98
Chuck is trying to see through the window, but can't around
the winding maze of NEWSPAPER STACKS. She shimmies along the
ledge toward another window.
99 INT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 99
Ned, Emerson and Vivian in the living room.
VIVIAN
Charlotte always wanted to get away.
Got away further than any of us
thought.
Ned reaches over and holds Lily's hand...
NARRATOR
In a rare moment of sensitivity, the
Pie-Maker reached out and touched
someone... who didn't want to be
touched.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
54.
...but she stiffens at his touch. They sit there an awkward
beat as if a social taboo has been broken. Ned is finally
unable to take it anymore and gets up to excuse himself.
NED
I'll go see if she needs any help
bringing it down in case it's heavy.
100 INT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - LANDING - NIGHT 100
Ned climbs the stairs to the second landing. It's eerily
quiet upstairs. He takes a few steps down the hall.
NED
Want me to carry that for you?
He rounds the corner and sees the stainless steel briefcase
in the middle of the hall when FWIP - a bag is thrown
violently over his head, as well. He sucks air and it
shrinkwraps to his face. Ned's struggles with the Killer,
who tightens his grip, pulling Ned off his feet.
WHAP -- Chuck comes out of nowhere and SLAMS THE STAINLESS
STEAL BRIEFASE upside the Plastic Sack Killer's head. It
rings in his ears and ours. He drops Ned with a plop. He
scrambles back pulling the sack off his face, gasping for
air. The Plastic Sack Killer spins around just as Chuck is
taking another swing with the briefcase --
THWAP. The Plastic Sack Killer catches the briefcase before
it hits his head, snapping it out of Chuck's hands. A tense
beat then...
PLASTIC SACK KILLER
Didn't I kill you?
LILY (O.S.)
I can hold my breath for a long time.
The Plastic Sack Killer turns to see Lily, still alive,
standing at the other end of the hall cocking a shotgun.
LILY (CONT'D)
18 years of under-water ballet.
PLASTIC SACK KILLER
Oh, for Pete's sake.
BLAM! The shotgun KICK PROPELS Lily backward into the
partially closed door behind her and into the next room.
The impact of the SHOTGUN BLAST knocks the Plastic Sack Killer
off his feet and THROUGH THE WINDOW BEHIND HIM, the stainless
steel briefcase clamors to the floor.
LIVING ROOM
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
55.
Emerson and Vivian both react to the commotion upstairs.
UPSTAIRS LANDING
Chuck and Ned stand with the gaping window between them,
staring at each other. Holy shit. Did that just happen?
They look down the other end of the hall where Lily is staring
directly at not only Ned but more importantly Chuck, her
dead niece evidently returned from the grave.
NARRATOR
The jig appeared to be up. Aunt Lily
was looking directly at her niece.
Her niece who wasn't supposed to be
alive.
LILY'S P.O.V. - HALL
The corridor is partially obscured by her eye patch and she
doesn't see Chuck at all, only Ned
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
And if she possessed two good eyes,
she would have seen her.
ON CHUCK
She slinks around the corner and out the open window.
101 EXT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - LEDGE - NIGHT 101
Chuck emerges from the second story and climbs down the rose
trellis. She turns back to see:
SECOND STORY WINDOW
Ned's looking out the window at Chuck. The wail of approaching
sirens can be heard in the distance.
NED'S P.O.V. - YARD
Chuck runs across the yard and stops at the dead Plastic
Sack Killer and kicks him.
NARRATOR
A rush of warmth washed over the Pie
Maker, he would later describe this
feeling as delight. The girl he
rescued from death had returned the
favor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
56.
102 INT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - LANDING - NIGHT 102
Ned turns from the window to find Lily holding the stainless
steel briefcase as Emerson and Vivian come up the stairs.
ON BRIEFCASE
The lid pops open to REVEAL there are no monkeys, but instead
it's filled with HONEYCOMB. A single bee flies out.
NARRATOR
And she gave a little sweetness to
the ones she left behind.
GO WIDE
Ned, Emerson, Vivian and Lily watch the lone bee fly out the
window and into the night.
103 EXT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - NIGHT 103
POLICE and NEWS VANS parked in the street outside the fence.
POLICE OFFICERS, REPORTERS and CAMERA-MEN storm through the
gait and stop short at an unusual sight.
THE DEAD PLASTIC SACK KILLER
He's laying sprawled out surrounded by broken glass.
ON LILY AND VIVIAN
They step out onto the porch, surveying the REPORTERS and a
gathering CROWD OF LOOKILOOS
NARRATOR
And saw that the Darling Mermaid
Darlings had another go at the teat
of stardom.
ON CHUCK
She's wearing scarf and long-coat, watching from the gathering
CROWD OF LOOKILOOS.
CHUCK
Hey. Aren't those the world-renowned
Darling Mermaid Darlings?
The Reporters glance at Chuck, then back at Lily and Vivian,
then swarm to the Darling Mermaid Darlings in a CACOPHONOUS
MURMUR OF QUESTIONS and GASPS.
Chuck smiles, pleased with herself...
CUT TO BLACK:
END OF ACT FIVE
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
57.
ACT SIX
ON A TELEVISION
Newscaster #1, seen earlier, reports breaking news:
NEWSCASTER #1
Former "Darling Mermaid Darlings"
Vivian and Lily Charles defeated a
deadly home invader who may have
some connection to the murder of
their niece, "Lonely Tourist"
Charlotte Charles.
CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL we are --
104 INT. OLIVE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 104
CAMERA CONTINUES PULLING BACK TO REVEAL Olive again sitting
in her over-stuffed lounge chair, Digby squeezed in next to
her. They're watching the evening news.
NEWSCASTER #1 (O.S.)
When asked about a "Darling Mermaid
Darlings" reunion the sisters
mentioned a benefit performance to
support "Honey for the Homeless" was
in the works.
Olive raises the television remote and we...
CLICK TO BLACK
105 INT. PIE HOLE - DINING AREA - NIGHT 105
CAMERA FINDS Ned and Chuck seated at a booth enjoying pie.
CHUCK
You know, this whole thing is sort
of like reincarnation but more
immediate.
NED
Sort of.
CHUCK
Do you believe in reincarnation? If
I wouldn't have come back this way,
would I have come back some other
way?
NED
I don't wanna believe in
reincarnation.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
58.
NED (CONT'D)
The planet's falling apart. Right
now it's the children's problem, but
if we reincarnate it's our problem.
CHUCK
Never thought of it that way.
(considers)
Was this an act of kindness? Me.
Here. Were you trying to do something
good for no other reason than to
help me?
NED
(shakes his head)
I was being selfish. I'd love to
tell myself I was being unselfish
but I know deep down in my primal
sweet spot I was being unselfish for
selfish reasons.
CHUCK
Did you want a corpse bride?
NED
No. I just thought the world would
be a better place if you were still
in it.
The most romantic things she's ever heard.
CHUCK
Anything else I should know?
NARRATOR
The Pie Maker wanted to tell Chuck
about that fateful afternoon when he
brought his mother back and
inadvertently killed her father, but
instead he said...
NED
You know everything there is to know.
NARRATOR
He lied.
She slides one of the Monkeys across the table.
CHUCK
I figure since they cost me my life
I should get to keep at least one.
And since I wouldn't be alive if it
weren't for you, you should have the
other one.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
59.
NED
It's like those heart pendants that
BFF's wear. Except with monkeys.
CHUCK
Thanks for bringing me back to life.
The word "life" hangs there. Chuck stares at Ned a moment.
The attraction is palpable, but is it love or fascination?
Not even Chuck could tell you. Ned's affection is clearer:
NED
Thanks for returning the favor.
Chuck takes her Monkey and presses its face against Ned's
Monkey. Ned smiles returning the kiss with his Monkey. He
feels the weight of the plaster statue.
NED (CONT'D)
These are kinda heavy.
Then: SMASH. Chuck smashes her Monkey against Ned's. The
plaster shatters revealing SOLID GOLD MONKEYS underneath.
CHUCK
Is that...?
NED
Uh-huh.
CHUCK
Neat.
106 EXT. CHUCK'S AUNTS' HOUSE - DAY 106
The flowers in the yard are blooming and there's a fresh
coat of paint being applied to the house. Lily and Vivian
emerge and walk down the path to the gate, stepping out.
NARRATOR
With a renewed interest in the world
on the other side of their fence,
Vivian and Lily retreated from their
retreat...
107 EXT. WATER TANK - DAY 107
A large metal water tank with port hole windows in the side.
Vivian and Lily in robes and wearing bathing caps climb the
stairs to the platform above the water.
NARRATOR
...and took the plunge.
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60.
The VERY AMPLE CROWD APPLAUDS as Vivian and Lily DIVE!
CAMERA PUSHES INTO THE PORTHOLE WINDOW
SPLOOSH-SPLOOSH. Vivian and Lily dive in and into each other.
The porthole the window in a kitchen door. The door swings
open to REVEAL we are:
108 INT. KITCHEN - DAY - DAYS LATER 108
CAMERA PUSHES PAST Emerson to find Ned and Chuck standing on
either side of the door to the WALK-IN FREEZER.
NARRATOR
And the Pie-Maker and Chuck took a
plunge of their own...
CAMERA PUSHES BETWEEN Ned and Chuck to REVEAL they're standing
over a FROZEN CORPSE. A clean-cut white professorial type in
his late 40's wearing a suit. His name is MARTIN MILTENBERGER
and he's been stabbed several times.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
The facts were these: one Martin
Miltenberger, Principal of the Beales
School for Boys was found stabbed to
death in the school's walk-in freezer.
As Ned's about to touch dead Martin Miltenberger... CAMERA
JUMPS TO AN EXTREME-EXTREME-EXTREME CLOSE UP and we see the
FAMILIAR POP OF ELECTRICITY. Ned sets the alarm on his watch.
A CLOCK appears in the corner of the SCREEN and begins
counting down from ONE MINUTE. 59 seconds... 58... 57...
Martin Miltenberger sits up and takes in his stabbed status.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
But before Principal Miltenberger
could get into the specifics of his
demise, Chuck thought it would be
nice to ask...
CHUCK
Do you have any last words or thoughts
or requests?
Ned reacts, glancing at Chuck and loving her for asking.
NARRATOR
It was something the Pie Maker never
thought or cared enough to ask until
Chuck back into his life.
EMERSON
You better ask who killed him first.
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61.
As Martin Miltenberger prattles on, Ned stares at Chuck, his
heart swelling. He reaches behind him and holds his hands
behind his back.
NARRATOR
As he stared at her, he reached around
and held his hand behind his back,
pretending he was holding hers.
Chuck winks at Ned and reaches behind her back.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
And at that very moment she was
pretending to be holding his.
OFF Chuck and Ned holding their hands behind their backs...
FADE OUT: