50. Realms of Arkania: Blade of Destiny
Theres nothing worse than seeing a cult classic game from the early '90s get a revival, and for that revival to be riddled with so many bugs that it makes it damn near unplayable. Unfortunately for Realms of Arkania: Blade of Destiny, thats exactly what happened.
It's sad to see a classic game brought back in such a fashion. The in-game graphics options may have a beautiful setting but nothing about the games visuals is beautiful--maybe if you looked at it from far away. The localization doesn't appear to be finished, as there are German words mixed in with English text, making parts of the game unintelligible to anyone who doesn't speak German. Worst of all, the game retains all of the design choices of the original, so theres no tutorial or help of any kind to guide you. You just drop in and start adventuring. If you need to play Blade of Destiny, go back to the original and leave this remake in the dust.
49. Hooters Road Trip
Because nothing says Hooters like a PC racing game! If thats not bad enough, this racer handles like the wheel is on backwards, and the environments make a game like Cruisin USA look ultra-realistic.
Oh, and you can bet that this game is filled with Hooters girls. Loading screens, victory videos, almost every other part of the game is ripe with buxom beauties in the iconic orange shorts and white t-shirts. Still, wed rather see these ladies while eating overpriced chicken wings than while waiting for the horrible racing to start.
48. Hotel Mario
The Phillips CD-I is infamous for its horrible Zelda ports (which well cover later), but not many people remember that Mario got his own terrible CD-I game as well. Hotel Mario at its core is a platformer like other Mario games, but the comparisons end there.
Awful cutscenes, a nonsensical story, and some of the dumbest quotes ever pulled from video games (As they say, a toaster toasts toast!) make this a hotel we wanted to check out of as soon as possible. We just needed to read the instruction manual to do figure out how.
47. Plumbers Dont Wear Ties
We we dont quite know how to describe this game. Its essentially a video game version of a Choose Your Own Adventure book, only with boobs. Many, many boobs.
In spite of that, Plumbers Dont Wear Ties is a decidedly unerotic experience. The game looks like it was designed using a bad PowerPoint presentation and Microsoft Paint graphics, and playing it is the same as clicking through a DVD menu. If you feel like punishing yourself, you can currently play the whole thing on YouTube thanks to in-video links. For historys sake, we suggest you try it, but dont blame us when you have to throw up.
46. Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z
We love alternative takes on our favorite franchises, but only when those new perspectives are done well and have some understanding of what makes the franchise popular. Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z took all of the progress made by the 3D Ninja Gaiden games and threw it out the window, turning it into a brain dead zombie hack-and-slasher that doesnt satisfy in the least.
Yaiba tried to take us back to the days of classic Ninja Gaiden, but it only brought two features: repetitive gameplay and insane difficulty. The only thing this game does that's new is add a really unlikeable character in Yaiba. Seriously, we know hes a cyborg and all, but a little personality outside of a foul mouth and disrespecting women would've been great. Well stick with Ryu Hayabusa in our Ninja Gaiden games.
We wanted to throw in the towel with this game as soon as we heard the lifeless title, but in fact the actual experience is so much more underwhelming than we could have imagined. Take everything you loved about the Trials series, strip to its bare bones, and release whats left to get Motorbike. Its one of the most shameless clones weve ever seen, except its far worse than the game its trying to emulate.
The gameplay is basically the same as Trials; try and complete a track while jumping over obstacles and traversing big gaps. However, when the obstacles are school buses falling from the sky in random ways, we find ourselves having to restart because the bus didnt fall at the right angle and we can't get past it. Why the obstacles arent fixed to the track is beyond us, but that randomness makes for a really frustrating and pointless experience. Well stick to the trials of Trials, thanks.
44. Lula 3D
Lula 3D is Leisure Suit Larry without any inhibitions whatsoever. Where Larry cant get a girl into bed to save his life, Lula is a pornographic actress, so her adventures cut straight to the bedroom. As such, nudity levels in Lula 3D are sky high, but the games lack of fun is rivaled only by its lack of respectable clothing.
The story of Lula 3D has the heroine trying to save her kidnapped co-stars so she can make her own porno movie, but the objectives make little to no sense. Go into the bedroom and host a webcam show, thatll get your friends back! Wait, now the game shifts into a cover-based first-person shooter, so shoot your way out! Also, basic movement is mouse to turn and keyboard to move, but doing both at the same time can crash the game. Basic movement can crash the game! Not even the cheap thrills can save Lula and her pals.
43. Sonic the Hedgehog 2006
Originally planned to commemorate SEGAs tude-filled mascots 15th anniversary, Sonic 2006 turned out to represent the terrible monster the franchise had become. Here, the once proud king of fast action platforming personified how far the mighty do fall (were talking Spinal Tap proportions).
A terribly jumpy camera, lousy collision, and an uninspired (and downright creepy) story are three things that Triple-A titles should avoid at all costs. The real culprit here, though, is the fact that Sonic just isnt fun. If the litany of Sonic titles from the past ten years or so doesnt convince you, playing only an hour of Sonic 2006 will be reason enough to be wary of the character from now on.
42. Unlimited SaGa
Japanese RPGs get a lot of flak these days. People call them linear, obtuse slogs through redundant settings in which you grind out levels so as to figure out a baroque combat system used to finish an excessively insipid plot with obnoxious characters. People these days are dumb; they were talking about this ten years ago with Unlimited SaGa.
More or less a board game for exploration with slot machine-like combat, Unlimited SaGas name must have come from the infinite amounts of tedium that players could expect. These unlucky (or equally dumb) players didn't move around dungeons or towns in the traditional sense more than they just chose locations and NPCs to talk to, and battles were just as much about lousy luck as they were about stat building and smart tactics. There may not be one definitive cause for JRPG decline in the West, but this might be as close as we can to pinpointing it.
41. Ashes Cricket 2013
Video games can be great teachers; they can offer a glimpse into sports youve never tried worlds youve never seen. Ashes Cricket 2013 could have been a perfect tool for teaching many unfamiliar people what cricket is all about, but instead the game falls flat on its glitchy, buggy face. When the developer offers refunds to anyone who purchased the game, as they did with Ashes Cricket, you know there are big problems.
Trickstar Games tried to build a brand new system from the ground up to capture every aspect of the sport of cricket, but nothing that they created worked at all. The glitches were so bad that basic actions are made impossible at points due to some huge, game-breaking bugs. The game only lasted for four days on Steam before being taken down, and we dont think well ever see it officially released again.