The 17 Best Articles to Binge Read This Fat Tuesday

Mardi Gras, aka Fat Tuesday, is a day of excess before the sober day Lent. To help you prepare National Lampoon has selected the best upcoming stories to binge read this Mardi Gras!

1. Cosmopolitan

17 Sexy Ways to Use Mardi Gras Beads to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed (Five Include His Butt!)

TL;DR – Looking to Spice Up Your Love Life Before Lent? (See #17)

2. Jezebel

It’s Mardi Gras, Here’s A Gallery of #FreeTheNipple Pictures That Were Banned from Instagram

TL;DR – Doesn’t violate the terms of the settlement with Hulk Hogan.

3. Parents

Breastfeeding at Mardi Gras: How To Get Beads While Avoiding Choking Hazards

TL;DR – Article not intended for readers under 5.

4. Girls Gone Wild

Our Best, Totally “Legal” Mardi Gras Flashing Girls Gone Wild of All Time!

TL;DR – Read #16 first.

5. AskMen

My Girlfriend Did Butt Stuff with Mardi Gras Beads and I Liked It. Am I Gay Now? Help!

TL;DR – If you have to ask, you already know.

6. Linkedin

My Boss Saw My Mardi Gras #FreeTheNipple Post Before It Was Banned from Instagram! Help!

TL;DR – Time to update your LinkedIn resume, clear up your Instagram

7. AARP.org

Best Mardi Gras Flashers Over 60! Not Safe For Work (But Don’t Worried, You’re Retired!)

TL;DR – Contact a doctor if an erection last for more than four hours. Not a recommended for readers with heart conditions.

8. theChive

Our Best Chive Girls Gone Wild* For Mardi Gras (69 pictures)

TL;DR: *Due to a cease-and-desist from Girls Gone Wild, TheChive was forced to change the name, though not the content

9. Etsy

Best Fun Crafts Made From Used and Vintage Mardi Gras Beads – Sellers Guarantee These Beads Haven’t Been In A Boyfriend’s Butt!

TL;DR – Who knew that Domino’s made The Noid beads, let alone that you could make a skirt out of them.

10. Playboy

The Best Mardi Gras Pictures (Now With Nudity!)

TL;DR – Technically enough words to count as “reading an article”.

11. Huffington Post

Middle Americans Just Don’t Understand: A Pro-Sex Feminist Mom Says Teaching Daughter To Earn Mardi Gras Beads Is Better Than Girl Scouts

TL;DR – The difference between white trash and white privilege is a liberal arts degree and the right zipcode.

12. Sports Illustrated

Preview: The  SI Swimsuit Models Mardi Gras Party Girl Edition

TL;DR – Look, Sports Illustrated, just go full Playboy (See #10).

13. Cracked.com

The Five Most Outrageous Cosmo Sex Tips Involving Mardi Gras Beads and Butts

TL;DR – Basically the TL;DR of #1, but with a RoboCop fan theory.

14. Women’s Wear Daily

The Sexiest Bottoms To Wear While Posing Topless On Instagram This Mardi Gras!

TL;DR – What you wear is as important as what you don’t.

15. Psychology Today

I stumbled upon my Mom and Grandmother’s Mardi Gras Flashing Shots. Help!

TL;DR –  A little eye bleach will solve that (See #2, #10)

16. Avvo.com

I Bought Girls Gone Wild’s “Totally Legal” Tapes and Now I Have An FBI Agent At the Door. Help!

TL;DR – None of the content was illegal, it just turns out the FBI actually takes porn piracy a lot more seriously under the Trump Administration.

17 .WebMD

How to Remove Mardi Gras Beads From the Rectum

TL;DR – Are you stocked up on Vaseline and rubber gloves?

Written by Philip Moon

Philip Moon

Philip Rodney Moon is a Los Angeles based comedy writer from Michigan. His work has appeared on Cracked.com, the Art of Manliness and Playboy’s The Smoking Jacket. He is the creator and writer of the Fox college sports comedy webseries Suit Up.