Days of Motherhood

Life with one baby is significantly different than life with one baby plus four children. As in all things, the differences are varied. One isn't really better or easier than another, it is just different.

Photo by Candid Memory

Many people think of a mom with three or more children and think it must be incredibly difficult and can't imagine how they would  handle it. I get that--I often had that thought myself. Yes, there are challenges to multiple children, but having four children is not four times harder than having one child.

Living in Utah, I see many large families around me. Something consistent you hear from people with large families is that after three, the difficulty is all the same. It really doesn't get harder. Even my friend's mom, who had 13 kids, says 3 was the hardest number. She was absolutely done at three. She wanted no more--it was too hard. She felt she should have more, however, and after that it was actually easier than three was. 

I think one reason it doesn't get harder and harder is that children get older. When McKenna was a baby, Brayden was 3 going on 4 and Kaitlyn was 1 going on 2. Having three children who really needed me was a challenge. With Brinley, Brayden was 7, Kaitlyn was 5, and McKenna was 3. Brayden and Kaitlyn are very self-sustaining and can help with McKenna and Brinley when needed.

I must interrupt myself here and caveat that my intention is not to tell you that you must have more than two or even one child. I don't believe in a "minimum" requirement. My parents had two kids and that was perfect for them. My intent here is only to be encouraging.

In many ways for me, having more than one child is easier than it was just having one. Having your first baby is a bit of a shock. It is your first time having someone so incredibly dependent on you. It is your first time consistently being deprived of sleep. These are things to adjust to.

With one baby, your days can easily get lonely and monotonous. For several months, you are home all day with a baby who only slowly becomes interactive. You feed baby, spend some time with baby, then you put baby down for a nap. Things are quiet. You do some stuff, then you start all over again to feed baby, play for a bit, put baby down for a nap...I remember the hours dragging on before my husband would get home. I enjoyed Brayden and loved being a mom, but day after day of the same things means that by Friday, you are just ready for something different to happen. Maybe your baby is fussy and so you spend hours in a day trying to calm your baby down. You can get overly consumed and worried about poor naps and fussiness from baby. 

As a mom past that point in life, let me just encourage you to do your best to enjoy the perks of that time! When your baby is asleep, you can sleep, too, if you want. You don't have another child who needs you. You can clean your house and it will stay clean. You don't have another child who will come along and mess it up right behind you. You can read a book in silence. You can put your full energy into that one baby. Perhaps if you are home on maternity leave you are better at relishing the moments you have since you have a known deadline when things will change.

There are many perks about one baby that you won't realize you have until it is gone.

And with that said, I love the atmosphere that many children bring to the home. Believe me that my days are anything but monotonous or lonely. Seven years ago, I counted down the hours until my husband got home. Today, when he walks in the door I am shocked that the day is almost over. My children keep things interesting. If Brinley has  bad nap (and it happens--all babies have off days), I just don't have the time to mull it over and stress about it. Luckily, I know babies well enough that I don't need to put a lot of time into problem solving. I just don't have time to worry about those naps. I have to move on because there is a lot going on--and there are bigger things to be concerned with than a bad nap here and there.

What is the point of this post? I have several points. One is, if you are a first time mom stuck in the monotony of babyhood, know that you are not alone in this. As I talk to other moms, most if not all of us felt the same way. Try to find the things that are unique to your situation and savor every minute of that. Find the positive and focus on that. You get to give all of your time and attention to one baby--take advantage of it! Take in every coo and smile. Spend some time just holding the baby and savoring the ability to focus on your one baby.

Another point is to encourage you that yes, one baby is hard. Definitely hard. It is an adjustment--a HUGE adjustment. When you have one baby you look at moms with multiple kids and think, "how does she do that?!? How will I ever manage more than one child?!?!" When Brayden was a baby, I had a hard time managing to get ready for the day each day. That is not difficult for me in the least now, even with a baby and three other kids to take care of. As a mom, you learn how to do juggle. It is a learned skill that you pick up over time. You get better and better as time goes one. You build the skills to be able to care for multiple children over time, just like you would build endurance to run long distances over time. If you want more than one child, but are worried about your ability to do so, you can do it! You can have more than one child. It does not get exponentially harder. My husband and I often laugh, "Remember when we thought one baby was hard! Ha!" But it was. It was hard for us at the time. 

Another point, and possible caveat, is to not overlook the importance of training your children while they are young. My children can be self-sustaining because I have taught them to be. It takes a lot of work and effort, but it is so worth it! Oh yes, it gets hard. And you don't have a lot of free time. I spend most of my time helping my kids with something or other. My three oldest can wait for me, but they do still need me often. Taking the time to teach children from the beginning makes managing and juggling a larger family much, much easier.

Finally, no matter where you are in life, try your best to really enjoy the moment. Every stage has its good points and bad points. Every stage has joys and difficulties. Do not spend today wishing away what is before you. You might have a moment of perfection somewhere along the way, but it would be fleeting. Life isn't perfect. Take what it has for you and love it. Love what there is to love right now. I love this quote:

If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the piles and piles of laundry will disappear all too soon and that you will, to your surprise, miss them profoundly. – Thomas S. Monson

I always try to keep this quote in mind as I look at the disaster my children managed to create in the course of the last 20 minutes. Someday, my children will be gone and things will be perfectly clean. I have no doubt I will miss the mess. Profoundly. There isn't one week that goes by at church when some older person comes to me and tells me, essentially, to enjoy it and that time goes by so quickly. It isn't the same person each week. Every one of them seems to take turns spreading that wisdom around. I don't think the one piece of advice these people with years of wisdom consistently choose to give should be ignored. Enjoy it. Times goes by too fast. If there is one thing they want to collectively tell me, it is to enjoy it. So I look for the happiness in what is before me and try to live in the moment. Savor it. Have a sense of humor about it. I don't want to wish each day away. Because of that, I am able to be very content and optimistic about what our life is. 

And that is how you manage life with multiple children. You love it for what it is. There is much to love! You laugh at the blunders that are sure to come. There are many! You plan for the worst and expect the best. You love each moment. You are grateful for what life is now, not upset about what it isn't. No matter what your day looks like, spend your days of motherhood trying to enjoy it for what it is so you can look back with fondness rather than with regret.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Enjoy the Moment
•  word to the weary
• Motherhood Reality Check
• motherhood 
• It's A Journey, Not A Destination: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/06/its-journey-not-destination.html
• It's All About Perspective
• Slow the Pace
• Staying Sane as a SAHM: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/05/staying-sane-as-sahm.html

Number and Spacing of Children (Again)

In recent months, I have discussed both Number of Children and Child Spacing on this blog. These two posts proved to be very popular, which isn't surprising considering that we are all parents in our child-bearing years. We want the absolute best decision for our families.

Over the weekend, I read a really good and simple article on the topic. It is old--way back from 1979--but it is fabulous. I wanted to share some of my favorite points from this article. It was written by Dr. Homer Ellsworth, who was a Gynecologist. Here are some of his standout points to help couples make these decisions.

Basic Guide
In making your decision on how many children to have and how closely you want them spaced, Ellsworth gives an excellent question to ask yourself.

Is it selfish?

He says he uses this question in all of his decision making. Do you want more kids or less kids for selfish reasons?

He points out that parents need to be able to provide for necessities of life, but not luxuries--but he doesn't say what a luxury is or isn't. He says every human heart can quickly determine that for itself. He also says "...couples should not let the things that matter most be at the mercy of those that matter least."

From A Religious Perspective
Am I done having children? That is what some (all?) people wonder. Ellsworth quoted a man, but didn't say who, as counseling his daughter (mother of 8). She had asked her father if she could be done having children. His reply was, "Don't ask me. That decision is between you, your husband, and your Father in Heaven. If you two can face him with a good conscience and can say you have done the best you could, that you have really tried, then you may quit."

Ellsworth says, "...as to the number and spacing of children, and other related questions on this subject, such decisions are to be made by husband and wife righteously and empathetically communicating together and seeking the inspiration of the Lord."

Ellsworth says we should desire to do as the Lord would have us do.

Other Considerations
Ellsworth points out that it is okay and absolutely wise to consider other angles in this decision. These include:

• Physical health of mother
• Physical health of father
• Mental health of mother
• Mental health of father
• Be considerate and plan carefully so the mother's health will not be impaired
• Well-being of the family should be considered--both physical well-being and emotional well-being
• Parents' capacity to provide basic necessities (not luxuries, necessities)
• Parents' likelihood of mood swings and depression
• Parents' ability to cope with pressures of many children
• Help available from family and friends
• Your ability to be a parent (actual ability, not desire of your heart)

Conclusion
As I said in previous posts, there is no one right spacing between children. There is also no one right number of children for all families. It is up to you and your spouse, along with the Lord, as to what is right for your family. I thought this was a very simply put article that left much to the interpretation of the reader, which is nice because it allows for a more individual experience. Hopefully this can help you make your decisions on these topics.

RELATED POSTS:

• Number of Children
• Child Spacing

Number of Children

When I wrote my post on Child Spacing back in January, I had people request that I talk about number of children, also.

Let me start by saying I do not believe there is one right number of children for all people. I won't type out a number and declare it to be the right number of children for all families out there. I hope no one was hoping for that :) In the same sense, there is no one wrong number of children for all people out there. I won't be saying "two is not enough" or even "one is not enough."

What I will attempt to do is give you some things to think about as you make this decision. It is a big decision. A hard decision for many parents. For me, the number of children is much harder than how to space them.

I think it is noteworthy for me to point out that I live in Utah. In Utah, I see a wide variety of family sizes. Within two blocks of me, there is a family with one child (done having kids--she is 16) and a family with 12 children--and everything in between. Among my close friends, we have come from families ranging from 2-14 children. We often talk about the number of children and the impact it has on a family. You might be interested to note that pretty much everyone loves the number of children that they grew up with. They might recognize cons to that number, but also see many pros. Most of my friends who grew up with a lot of children in the family were resentful of having a large family as a teenager, but now love it. Many want large families themselves.

Let me assure you that for those of you who are struggling with this decision right now, I understand it. I am right there with you. My husband and I are unsure if we will have more children or not. For us, deciding to have three was a no brainer. No hesitation. We both knew we wanted to have a third child. We have actually always planned on having at least four children, but after we had McKenna, we started to wonder if we were done. We still haven't answered that question yet.

I know lots of women who say, "when you are done, you know it." I have heard lots of neat stories about the parents just knowing they were done when the time was right.

However, I don't believe that is the case for everyone. I compare it to choosing whom to marry. You hear many people say, "You will know he is the right one to marry." That was me. I knew effortlessly that my husband was the guy for me. Well, that isn't true for all people. Not all people "just know." Some really have to spend time praying and pondering to know for sure. I believe it is the same for the number of children. Some "just know" while others are required to put forth great effort in figuring this out.

Ultimately, I think there are only three things that really matter when making this decision. I will list those last (now is the time when some of you, you know who you are, will scroll to the bottom of the post to see what they are. Those of you like me will read the post from top to bottom ;) ).

Here are some typical concerns people have as they try to decide how many children to have:

1. Money: This is a hard one for me to really elaborate on because it really isn't a concern for me. I just know that it is for some people. Places like Babycenter.com have calculators that can tell you about how much it will cost you to raise a child. Don't drive yourself crazy like that! For one thing, you have no idea what the future will bring. Being able to "afford" a child today doesn't mean you will be able to tomorrow. When we had Brayden, we were dirt poor. Really poor. I was working, looking to the future and saving because I knew I didn't want to work after having a baby.
   
   Now, my husband was still in school (university) and we knew our income could only go up after graduation because he was working part time at a low-paying job. Any full time job would more than double our income, and our plans were that we would of course get a job paying much more :). But we carried our own insurance and had a $5000 maternity deductible. I guess we would have qualified for Medicaid, but that actually never crossed our minds at the time. We saved. And saved. And we did it. We didn't have much money Brayden's first year. We didn't spend much money at all and we lived with the necessities of life. And we were happy :)
   
   Today, my husband has a good job and excellent insurance with a $250 maternity deductible--much easier to swallow :)
   
   Anyway, I share that with you to show that I do know what it is like to have a child and really have no way to feasibly pay for the baby. My belief is you can make it work if you want to. But  you have to do what you are comfortable with :)
2. Bedrooms: I know a concern for some parents is number of bedrooms. I get this. You might want your children to each have their own room. I will say that I have friends who shared rooms all throughout growing up and loved it. They have no bitterness about it. I totally understand the reason for wanting your kids to have their own rooms, but I wouldn't let that be a reason to prevent you from having more children.
3. Vehicles: Often times, adding a child to the family requires you get a larger vehicle. Some people don't want a "larger" vehicle than what they have. Again, in the grand scheme of things, I don't think this is a reason to not have another child. I wouldn't let this be THE reason. But if you are clinging to it and labeling it as a good one, then maybe you just don't want another child and are looking for some tangible, logical reaon not to.
4. Time: I think a valid consideration is the amount of time you will be able to have to dedicate to your children. You know the phrase "time is what you make of it"? I say this often, but "phrases" become "phrases" for a reason.
   
   When I was pregnant with McKenna, I gave up a lot of things in order to be able to put my energy toward my children. I have rough pregnancies. I remember reflecting at the time that there are a lot of things I don't need to do. There are lots of things I like to do, but very few I need to do.
   
   I have an aunt who once commented that you have time for things that are important to you. You make time for your priorities. So here is my point. I think you can have enough time available to you to spend with all of your children. The real question is are you willing to give up things in order to use that time. You have it. Will you allocate it.
5. Baby Life: Some moms don't want to jump back to baby life all over again. I certainly understand this. We all know 0-3 months old is not my favorite time period. For one of my best friends, 0-3 months is her favorite period. 18 months is where she has trouble. We all have our periods that are more challenging for us. For me, I try to look at it this way. Baby life is challenging. It can feel isolating. But over your lifetime, it is only a few months. Then a couple of years with some toddler stuff, but then things kind of open up and relax and you have that child for a lifetime.
6. Impact On Children: I think we often worry about the impact another child will have on the dynamics of our current children. I worried about this most when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. How would Brayden handle not being the oldest? I am also interested in birth order, so I wonder what sort of impact this will have on personality. I think this is something to consider carefully and prayerfully. Generally speaking, children love their siblings. They love to have other kids around to play with. I know for Brayden and Kaitlyn, life is one big party. Seriously. They laugh and laugh the whole time they are together.
7. Impact On Mother: For me, pregnancy is hard. I know that for my husband, a factor for his consideration with more children is the impact of pregnancy on me. It affects the entire family when I am down and out, of course. Mother's health might be an issue for some.
8. Impact On Husband: I add this one because the pregnancy is so hard on me that I know it adds stress and pressure to my husband's life, though he does his best to hide it. He works to cover my slack, which I am sure gets tiring (I don't really know, I am kind of in a fog during that time). Again, these last two are another where I think, yes, it is hard. But in the grand scheme of things, it is a short time to have to struggle and be stressed. And in the end, you get a new family member.

Those are some factors that many people might consider, but in the end, I just don't think they really matter. What are my three things that really matter?

1. Unity: I think it is important for you both to want another child once you actually go forward with it. I know sometimes one person starts out not wanting another child. Come to a consensus--an agreement.
2. Emotion: I think you should have as many children as you can support emotionally. You can make finances work. You can live with space restrictions. You might not like a mini-van, but you can drive one if you need to. Just another sacrifice for your children :). You can make time. You can make it through and find enjoyment in baby life. Everyone in the family will adjust and love the new addition. But you want to be able to support your children emotionally. You want to be able to be there for them.
3. Prayer: In the end, I think the most important thing you can do when making this decision is pray. Pray for guidance and pray to know if what you are deciding is right. You have no way of knowing the future, but the Lord does.

Other ways to look at  this decision:

• What will you regret? I always ask myself this question when making decisions. Will you regret having another child? Will you regret not having another child? Sometimes you don't know for sure what you will or won't regret, but this question can help guide you.
• Eternal Perspective: Try to keep the big picture in mind. When you try to step back and look at your life as one snapshot, a lot of the concerns really don't matter. Also, I know lots of moms with grown children who say something like, "When our children were young, four seemed like a lot. Now I wish we had more."

CONCLUSION
There are going to be benefits and drawbacks with every number of children. With two, you will have more money per child, but they will have only one other child to play with at home. There will always be perks and drawbacks no matter how many children you have.

The vast majority of people I know say three children is the hardest number. My friend's mom with 14 kids says three was the hardest number, which I find funny. Never mind 10, 11, 12...3. That was a challenge ;) For me, I personally don't find it hard at all. It wasn't much of a change for me over two. So what works for one won't work for another.

I have a friend 9 days younger than I with 6 children. She always says any number of kids is hard. I think this is true. She says one child was hard. Then she had two, and that was hard. Four was hard. Six is hard.

In the end, the decision of how many children to have is 100% personal. It is for you to decide and no one else to judge (though that doesn't mean you won't be judged--it is almost impossible to escape. My friend with "only" two gets judged just as often as my friend with six :) ). For some, it will be an easy decision that you "just know." For others, it will require much pondering, thought, and prayer. Do what works for you and try not to worry about what everyone else thinks about that. Good luck with your decision!

Please feel free to add your own experiences with number of children you have or had growing up! Share what you liked and didn't like.