Emma Watson’s Visit to Israel and Gaza

Airport clerk: Next, please. Name and passport?

EmWatson: Emma Charlotte Duerre Watson; actress and model and UN Women ambassador of good will.

Airport clerk: The passport looks legit. What are you planning to do in Israel?

EmWatson: Touring and political activism. I’m not planning to be employed (and if I do - I’ll let you know about it) but I am planning to visit the Gaza envelope, broadcast my exact location on the Internet, and try to bring Shalom / Salaam to the region.

Airport clerk: Seems crazy.

EmWatson: Well, I am sane enough to act crazy sometimes.

Airport clerk: Oh well, I doubt you’ll be in any remote danger anyway, and since you are a British citizen, we cannot really prevent you from entering.

Airport clerk: Try not to get killed.

EmWatson: Thank you! I will.

EmWatson: Hello there.

Driver: Hello Ma’am. Do you want a ride?

EmWatson: That I do! Note however that my phone will broadcast my exact GPS coordinates every minute or so, so if you care about “privacy” (in quotes) I’ll have to find someone else. On the bright side, I’m going to pay you 10 thousand sheqels regardless of how much the ride should cost, and also - I’m Emma Watson, the famous actress, so— I can give you a signed photograph, and a small souvenir, and naturally we’ll talk during the ride.

Driver: Works for me. Where do you wish to go?

EmWatson: Sderot, please! But can we first stop at a gas station, where we can eat and drink something?

Driver: Sure, Miss Watson! Let me help you with your bags.

EmWatson: Sorry if I’m too distracted and not too talkative, but I’m trying to reply to as many of the social media responses I got for my recent announcement of me going to visit the Gaza envelope. One thing I learned from Shaike Ophir’s English Teacher skit is that one should avoid his definition of monologue as “one person talking to himself”.

Driver: That’s OK, Miss Watson - the customer’s always right.

EmWatson: Yes. I received quite a few variations of “Bitch, are you insane?” from fans, to which I made a top-level reply of “For all the people who think I’m insane, be aware that if I complied by the mainstream definition of sanity, I would not be half as successful as I am today.” (only in Twitter-speak).

Waitress: I hope you’re having a good time, ah…

EmWatson: Emma… Emma Watson!

Waitress: Oh! I heard about you, naturally. Are you gonna threaten me with a wand? Heh!

EmWatson: A wand… yes, the bane of my existence. I’m thinking of collecting money for a public campaign to convert the weapon most associated with me to something more menacing.

Waitress: Don’t you have enough money for that?

EmWatson: No, not enough! Heh. And money isn’t everything.

Waitress: So you’re not playing in films for money?

EmWatson: Playing in films for money? Of course not! What a preposterous idea.

Waitress: Ah, nice.

EmWatson: I’m playing in films for a shitload of money!

Waitress: [Calming down] So, Miss Watson, where are you going?

EmWatson: I'm going to Sderot and the rest of the Gaza envelope. I’m trying to bring Shalom / Salaam into the region.

Waitress: Sounds noble.

EmWatson: Oh, it is.

Waitress: Well, let me know if you need anything, and I wonder if it will be prudent…

EmWatson: For you to take photos with me? Sure! Always happy.

Waitress: Thanks. My family are big fans of the Harry Potter books.

EmWatson: I’m glad.

EmWatson: Hello good people of Sderot. Mah Nishm`a? [= Hebrew for "What's new?")]

Mayor of Sderot: Welcome Miss Watson! I'm the mayor of Sderot. Hope you have a peaceful and Shalom-ful stay. Here is my card if you need anything.

EmWatson: Thank you, Mr. Mayor! I think I’ll have a glass of lemon juice somewhere - you and other people can join me if they like.

Mayor: Sure, that will be lovely. I should note that the Hamas announced a complete unilateral ceasefire today, but they didn't tell why and there’s very little risk that the Israeli force will hit Sderot, but be careful about these cars.

EmWatson: Yes, I will. Finally, I’d like to buy some of those “I {Heart} Sderot” T-shirts - small or medium sizes should be fine.

Mayor: Sure, we have some souvenir shops.

EmWatson: Super.

EmWatson: OK, I still need to handle the Internet fallout from my announcement. I wonder if I should finally do a Reddit “I am Emma Watson, the famous Actress and Model — ask me Anything!”.

Man #1: What’s Reddit?

EmWatson: Oh, it’s a system of Internet forums. Like a newer and better Usenet. I’ve been under constant pressure to finally have a presence there.

EmWatson: Problem is — I’m not sure anyone remembers Usenet nowadays. If I told people my age that I am the new Melissa Joan Hart, they will just look at me funny.

Mayor: Sic Transit Gloria Mundi!

EmWatson: Exactly!

EmWatson: So? What do you for entertainment here?

Mayor: Well, aside from dodging Hamas missiles? [EmWatson smiles] We watch T.V., play sports, hang on the Internet.

EmWatson: Sports! Is there a basketball game by any chance? I love playing or watching basketball. Basketball is the kind of game that even if it’s a bad game, it’s still pretty good.

Mayor: I would have thought that you would prefer Football as an Englishwoman.

EmWatson: Well, I don’t. Anyway, if we can organise a basketball game, that would be great. One warning: I’m gonna cheer for both teams.

EmWatson: Heh, it’s not such a bad game. [There’s a score. She cheers.]

Yuval: [= Boy next to EmWatson] Yes, it’s a good game. So, Miss Watson? Where are you going to stay?

EmWatson: Well, I can always rent a room at a hotel but… I’ve been thinking of crashing into a host family and sleep on the sofa or in a spare bed room. It’s not always the most comfortable thing but I’m always a sucker for an adventure.

Yuval: Heh, we have a spare bedroom of my brother who is now in the IDF. I guess I can try talking my parents into hosting you. Do you want me to message them?

EmWatson: Sure, first-come first-served I guess.

Yuval: Yay! We’re in. We can also give you supper and breakfast.

EmWatson: Well, I’ll invite you all for supper on my expense in your favourite restaurant here, but we’ll have a dinner at your expense. And tomorrow I’ll go sight seeing around this area. The Sun here would be very good for my tan, heh. [Another score in the game.] Yay!

EmWatson: Your parents would be welcome to join me. You should probably go to school, and I’ll do a school trip the day after tomorrow.