I felt like shouting.
That's what I usually do now anyway...
I didn't plan to blog as it would look like I'm an ungrateful woman, but heck... I just have to let it out!
Razin was clingy these days. I had a hard time not to shout or pinch him. But I usually shout anyway. Cubit belum lagi. Tapi geramnye ya Allah....
Eh tapi sebelum ni memang dah pernah kena dah la babap ngan aku. I am a lioness. Haih... I felt bad tho. Well of course la kan... he's my only child... Aku pulak such a hot tempered person. =(
Kenapa aku tension?
Mostly sebab dia clingy and tak nak main sorang-sorang. Time aku nak balas emel, nak update website, blog, check payment or menjawab pertanyaan orang, Razin nak duduk atas riba aku. Fine, no hal. Tapi of course la bukan duduk diam. Tangan tu capai stapler la, stamp pad la, marker pad la and conteng2 tangan dia. Aku ni tak perasan cos busy menaip (imagine camne aku menaip time budak besor tu atas riba) and bila perasan, memang kena ar.
Tak pun, situasi lain adalah dia bangun dari riba aku nak capai price tag gun, nk capai fail, mug berisi air yang aku letak di tepi meja tempat aku bekerja etc. Kalau capai takde efek xpela.. ni kang alignment lari (price tag gun), kertas bersepah or air tumpah??
Bengang ler aku yang dah sememangnye busy... Lagi2 kalau time tu tengah melayan customer banyak songeh. Tanya itu, tanya ini tapi last-last tak beli... Memang la tu perkara biase and I don't normally care about it pun, tapi bayangkan kalau time tu ade si Razin yang dah memang mengacau aku buat kerja. Lagi-lagi la stress aku ni... Arghh...
Ade orang tanya, "buat kerja time Razin tido takleh ke?"
OF COURSE I CAN'T!
I'm a fulltime online seller... Tau tak kalau sejam (waktu siang) aku tak reply comment or email pun ade yang dah hantar emel bertalu-talu suh reply. Kalau dapat yang ok tu, ok la... Dapat yang jenis nak cepat jer, tak cukup emel, siap sms or whatsapp lagi... ;)
Plus, aku sendiri strive to give quick response to all my customers/potential customers. I also post goods EVERYDAY. So, paham-paham sendiri la camne busynye aku ni... Orang bayar jer terus aku amik barang and bungkus on the spot cos takut terlupe or takut kang ter'miss'. Almaklum la banyak keje lain aku nak buat selain ngadap laptop ni. Nak mandikan anak, masak, bagi dia makan etc etc. wah supermommy nyer aku!! *if only*
So NO... aku takleh tunggu Razin tido baru nak buat kerja. Lagipun budak kalau dah setahun lebih ni bukan tido sangat pun. Kejap je...
Pastu ade orang bagitau, maybe I should "slow down on business sebab benti keje nak jaga anak kan..."
No, that's where you're wrong. I did not quit my job sebab nak jaga anak. I quit my job sebab I hate the job! Kalau aku suke, I will keep on working... sape tak nak stability like monthly salaray, insurance, allowance, EPF bla bla bla kan?
So, No. Aku benti bukan sebab nak jaga anak. Aku benti sebab I began to hate my work. Kalau aku dapat kerja lain, of cos aku akan kerja... But turned out, I managed work on my own. I generate money by staying at home. Janganlah ingat orang dok umah tu sangat rileks ok. No. Never in my case.
Aku memang nak Razin membesar depan mata aku. All that I've experienced by staying at home and taking care of Razin was a magnificent journey. It was... It is actually. Only problem is now I'm so busy... probably because the bizz has pick up pace?
I do understand time kecik-kecik ni la anak perlukan perhatian kita... tunjuk ajar kita... yes, I know that. Tapi I also do not want to be harsh at him or show him a bad example (by keep shouting and always forbidding him to do things) when I'm stressed or have too many things on my plate.
Bukan aku tak spend masa dengan dia... oh, ade jer... Razin loves books. Ni la dilema WAHM agaknye... Kang aku amik maid kang orang ngata. Dok umah pun nak amik maid. Anak baru sorang je pun... huhuhu
So... kalau nak suh aku slow down, memang tak boleh la... unless terpaksa and I have no choice (cam takde duit untuk pusing modal ke... nauzubillah... mintak simpang!)
Meh aku citer, aku takleh nk buat camtu. Not when I have quite a number of demands and I also have my own target.
Please don't see me as a full time housewife. I am not. I have my own company even if it's a small business... Aku pun ade target jugak. I am quite ambitious actually. If I am one of FTWM yang ade employer, you wouldn't suggest me to take 'my work lightly', would you? In fact, you might even suggest a maid or kindy for my child. Aku ni sama jela macam ibu-ibu lain yang bekerja, cuma lokasi aku di rumah. And I also have to juggle house chores and child at the same time.
Malahan, bekerja sendiri ni lagi seksa. You have to do everything on your own. But it's flexible. And I LOVE MY JOB right now. It pays bills... heck, in fact we're depending on it right now (gaji orang tu dah takat hidung je dok membayar itu ini). So of course I can't slow down...
Sebagai seorang ibu, aku tak nak anak aku terabai atau asyik kena marah.
Sebagai seorang bisneswoman pulak, aku ade target aku sendiri... Ade benda yang aku nak expand or improve. Oh... ianya hanya angan-angan sekarang... but who knows, I might actually achieve it!
Speaking of which...
My POV (Plaque of Vision) masa join kursus Hertz Survivor last year.
Masa ni belum benti keje lagi la...
See?
I manage to achieve one goal... which is to have an online business on my own berkaitan barang-barang baby ni (time tu belum minat babywearing gears)
Kitorang bawak POV ni ke merata tempat time kursus tu...
Always with us.
Oh dilema seorang WAHM.
Semoga plan aku untuk tahun depan berjalan lancar... Boleh amik anak sedara hubby yang akan tunggu result nanti dok ngan aku untuk jaga Razin. Hehehehe... yes, kena ade plan. =P
I'm better in Lumut cos aku ade family dekat situ. If I'm so busy, I will go back to Beruas so that Razin will not be so clingy. And I have my family yang boleh jaga Razin kalau aku kena out station ke ape (fuiyooo out station! kahkahkah)
Sekian, pembebelan hari ini.
alhamdulIllah...
