Climate change scientists could prove the planet is getting warmer by measuring the amount of panic when there is snow. In the 1960s, most people would have reacted to this weather by saying, ‘Never mind, we can keep warm by eating plenty of spam and being racist all day’

The Conservative strategy for winning back support is to try to convince people the Labour leader supports a regime which he always opposed and which no longer exists, which I for one think is admirable

Americans' insistence about their right to guns is tied in with their Christian belief system. As we all know, when Jesus was asked what he would do if someone slapped him on his right cheek, he responded: 'Load my A15 semi-automatic rifle and fire at random strangers in a shopping centre in Nazareth'

Groups with names like ‘The British White Glory Smack You Right Up Alliance’ will have to retrain their members

Michael Gove will go on ‘Newsnight’ and say, ‘I’m SICK of this bruv, we’ve got NOTHING up front, we can’t even beat CORBYN bruv, she’s not even TRYING’, and smash a bottle on Emily Maitlis’s table

What do women expect? Men can’t help it. So often you sit down for dinner and out comes the penis onto the table without you even seeing it. They’re attracted by roast potatoes

They’re more furious than football fans who ring phone-in shows when their team’s lost

You didn’t get Churchill making plans and assessments; he just said, ‘Let’s go to war’ – and if anyone asked what might happen if we went to war, he’d tell them: ‘Stop being traitors, now set fire to something’

You can understand why Trump probably wouldn’t want to come on a state visit anymore, because in America no one ever behaves violently in a public place

The people of a country that likes to be more British than the British has said to the British: 'No, don’t be that British – or we might end up not being British'

The Government insists we’ll get a better deal from the EU once we leave, because most institutions operate on the basis that you get a much better deal when you’re not a member, don’t they?

There should be a formula in which the amount of terrorism a country is allowed to promote depends on how many weapons they buy. For $4.2bn you can blow up a couple of public buildings, as long as you help sweep up

Health service unions complain about the number of nurses who rely on food banks. So instead of raising their wages, we should introduce a grape tax, in which anyone visiting a sick relative in hospital has to take four grapes from each bunch they bring in, and give it to a nurse

For years Jeremy Corbyn has been deemed ‘unelectable’. Now the Conservatives are frantically trying to follow in his footsteps

It’s the same with those communists who went down with blankets and food. They should have set up a pop-up bedding and hot chocolate store to tap into extensive market opportunities

During the Queen’s Speech, instead of banging on the door of the Commons with his stick, Black Rod will march to Westminster Cathedral and use it to put the windows in