The little networks -- or weblets, in the precious parlance of the industry -- are so small and lightly viewed that they can change identities at the wave of a programmer's hand.

UPN seemed all sci-fied a few seasons ago. Then it made its bid to be the urban black comedy network. This season, UPN apparently is settling for loud, lewd and lascivious.

Summer isn't over until Jerry Lewis sings on Labor Day, but UPN is tugging for attention by debuting its three new sitcoms tonight and tomorrow. They're a blur of short skirts, masturbation jokes and gay gags, with the laugh tracks revved for raunch.

DICEMAN RETURNS

Fittingly enough, the signature presence is Andrew Dice Clay, who's brushed off his Diceman act for a fat supporting role in "Hitz," premiering at 9 p.m. tomorrow on Channel 44.

Two years ago, Clay was readying himself to be the Niceman on CBS' short-lived "Bless This House" on CBS. He swore he was really a fine fellow who'd been overwhelmed by the Diceman. Now he's saying ha ha, I was lying and CBS made me do it. Hickory, dickory, dock.

"Hitz" is a workplace comedy about surviving at a Los Angeles record company called HiTower Records, and Clay is the label's lowlife, sexist and sadistic president.

Making his entrance onto the show, he waddles to the middle of the office, takes a deep drag on a cigarette when an underling compliments him on his looks, and says, "Shut your pie hole, snapperhead."

I don't know exactly what it means, either, but it's clearly more Dice than Nice.

The nominal stars of the show are Claude Brooks and Rick Gomez, as a pair of HiTower talent scouts who are one flop away from fired. In tomorrow's premiere, they have to sign a hot act quickly or face the ax. They turn to rap star Coolio, who guest-stars as himself.

It's bad enough that MTV, which co-produces "Hitz," shamelessly uses the show to plug itself. It's worse that "Hitz" is infused with MTV's usual flair for bad taste.

The best thing to be said for "Hitz" is that a particularly vulgar joke about Jerry and Betty Ford has been deleted from the pilot episode.

WORKING RELATIONSHIPS

The show's partner in time, following "Hitz" at 9:30 tomorrow night on Channel 44, is "Head Over Heels." It excavates hilarity from a pair of horny brothers (Mitchell Whitfield and Peter Dobson) who run a Miami video dating service.

Why video dating? "To meet chicks," says Dobson, who seems to date most of the clients.

With "Head Over Heels," it's hard to know where to bite first. The new receptionist (Cindy Ambuehl) is an ex-stripper who'll open the mail topless if the pay is right. One of the "romance counselors" (Patrick Bristow) is the subject of constant curiosity over his sexual orientation (does he read Playboy or Playgirl?). The show manages to squeeze a tacky bikini beachwear exhibition into its first episode. And somewhere beyond the masturbation yuk-yuks are a dozen or so jokes about orgasms. Or, as the boys call them, "ladyquakes."

"Good News," premiering at 9 tonight, is easily the least offensive show in the UPN trio. It's about the handsome new pastor (David Ramsey) who's just arrived to save souls at the all-black Church of Life.

"Good News" is soon diverted to earthier -- pursuits when the unmarried church secretary (Rose Jackson Moye) takes giddy aim at the new preacher. Then competition arrives in the curvy form of a newly hired youth services director (Alexia Robinson, late of "Savannah").

By way of introduction, Robinson makes a show of bending over and waving her tightly skirted hindquarters in Ramsey's face. The innocent Ramsey may not be thinking Revelations at the moment, but the laugh track whoops hard enough to split in two.

The lanky Ramsey is an innocu ous screen presence as the young, eligible pastor. Mostly he functions as the show's stanchion of sanity, with the broad comedy swirling around him.

Roz Ryan, who was in the old NBC church comedy "Amen," is well cast here as a stout, tough volunteer cook at the church. She's the best thing in a so-so show, and one of those actresses who could stop Niagara with one disapproving glare.