59. The Rabbit Hole

Another day has slipped away. The rhythm of my life has ben so altered I am still trying to figure out whether I need to work on striking a better balance or accepting the changes as a gift. I feel as though I fell down the rabbit hole and woke up in Neverland. Nothing about my life, or the way I feel and think, resembles my life only a few short months ago. My relationship with Elizabeth is radically different than anything I’ve previously experienced before. Work: my wildest fantasy come true. My thoughts and feelings and relationship to my own life: so much change, I feel like someone else entirely.



My relationship with Elizabeth is both more conscious and more fulfilling than I knew to expect or even desire. Telling my family and the speed at which they shifted and embraced my decision has been such a tremendous gift.



Work feels as though I am being paid to receive a private education in spirituality and personal growth. Everything I am learning for the book I end up applying and reflecting on in relation to my own life. I am experiencing this incredible synergy where the book facilitates thoughts and reflection that result in shifts and changes in me and my experience that then enable me to not just intellectually understand my clients’ content, but to write from my own perspective. Not only am I reaping these incredible personal benefits, but the nature of how I work has altered dramatically and feels entirely like play. For one thing, I now go long stretches—days—receiving no emails or phone calls. I can not tell you what a breath to the nervous system it is to unplug like that! More than half of the time I spend working is spent sitting out in the field under the apple tree or in my garden. Only a fraction of any given day do I spend on my computer, if I turn it on at all. Next week I start the actual writing and that ratio will change, but I suspect my relationship to work won’t. I have spent more time outdoors these past three months than I have in the past three years and I am realizing just how grounding it is to my spirit to be outside. Much of the credit I owe to Elizabeth’s dogs. I began taking my work out to the field so that I could combine getting them outside with getting my work done.



Periods of personal growth are all consuming and I have not kept up with my relationships, my personal projects—really much of anything. I’m holding even that as a gift. To just let go of the anxiety of carrying around a mental list of all my “shoulds” has been its own experience. I am trying to remember that life ebbs and flows and balance should be viewed in the aggregate. There will always be periods in our lives where we swing out of balance for one reason or another—new love, new jobs, new children, illness, loss; all of life’s big events. Looking back on my life since college, I see that my first huge phase of personal growth involved learning about my emotions and how to use my emotional intelligence in a healthy and productive way. The second significant phase that stands out for me is the more recent process of developing confidence and clarity around my intellectual capability and unique talents. W2k has been witness to that. I feel that this new phase is about learning to strengthen and balance my relationship with my body—not just in the traditional sense, but in the sense of moving out of my mind and into my body. In addition to being a yoga instructor, Elizabeth is a certified body worker. I’ve always known my aches and pain directly relate to my emotional state, but I am learning just how much energy I hold trapped in my body—particularly my right, or masculine side. Masculine energy is the energy of action, willing and controlling, while feminine energy relates to being, openness and receiving. The book I am ghostwriting also discusses masculine and feminine energy and the need to balance them—another way that the book and my life are mirroring one another.



I’ve been working with an amazing healer and I feel that the more shift I embrace, the more easily I shift. One thing after another surfaces and feels ready to be changed—my relationship to money and abundance; my relationship to my body, nutrition, exercise and sensuality; my fears, both old and new; my relationship to anxiety; my un-evolved personality patterns; my relationship with my mother; my feelings around personal power and lack of it; my energy and health; my ability to be in the present and not stuck rehashing the past or fretting about the future. Phew! Total transformation in progress.


That’s it for my check-in. The bell just rang and I need to leave if I’m going to get to Laura’s on time. I am so looking forward to seeing everyone tonight.