"It’s a great morning to be alive," Hannibal Smith said, pouring his third cup of coffee. The Dodgers had beaten the Giants, and the team had another day of freedom. Life couldn’t be much better for three guys on the run. The former Green Beret tossed the newspaper he’d been studying onto the counter. "What have you got planned for the day, B.A.?"

"Not sure. I’ve fixed almost everything possible on that old van of ours." B.A. nodded toward the window where the 1968 Volkswagen van they’d rescued from the wrecker’s ball sat. "Why?"

"Until Face is better, we won’t be taking any jobs, so I thought maybe we could do something."

"Ah, Colonel, you worry too much. Face hasn’t had so much as a fade-out in the last three weeks. I think he’s ready to get back at it. The good Lord knows I am. I don’t think I can take much more of this sneaking ‘round. I want some action."

Smith smiled as he reached into the pocket of his blue buttoned-down shirt and pulled out a Havana cigar, a gift from Face. They’d been laying low these last few weeks to give Face a chance to let his therapy with Doctor Richter work. Over the last few days they’d seen a real improvement in their youngest member; he wasn’t as somber or as depressed as he had been over the last few months. How much was Richter and how much was Face’s new relationship with Murdock, Hannibal couldn’t say. He would never tell the rest of the team, but he’d been scared for Face more than he had ever been in the bush.

"I know he’s doing better, and I think Face’s almost ready, but I won’t push. That’s how he ended up so wrecked in the first place. Always worrying about us, so busy getting us the things we needed that he forgot to look after himself. He needed time and help to recover, and he never got it. Ah, hell, B.A., we were back in the bush four months after we escaped, then a year later we were in the slammer for following orders." Smith struck the match forcefully along the closed cover.

B.A. knew what had happened to Face at the hands of the VC, but instead of helping his friend by talking about it, he just pushed it to the back of his mind. It was too hard to think about the bloody mess that Face was after his ‘reeducation sessions’ at Chao’s hands.

The general seemed to take a perverse pleasure in hurting Face. The animal deserved to die, not only for what he did to Face, but for the humiliation and shame he caused other POWs. But that was out of his hands; only God could punish Chao now. He could still see Murdock sitting in the corner of the bamboo cage they called home for those six long months, rocking the lieutenant in his too-thin arms, using the last of their precious water to clean Face’s infected wounds.

The black man clenched his hands, trying to control the rage that threatened to overtake his senses. He couldn’t help it when he thought back to his own failure at sheltering his little brother from the rage of Chao and the other guards. He should have stopped the enemy from hurting Face. He should have protected Face from the horrors the LT had experienced. He was nearly twice the size of the guards. He could have taken a few of them out before they killed him.

"B.A., just like Face, you have to let go of the past, too. There was nothing more you could have done except get yourself killed. And what good would that have done?"

The sergeant knew what his CO said was true, but logic never was his strong suit. He went with his gut feelings and they were screaming he should have done more.

"You’ve more than made up for whatever short comings you think you’re guilty of."

Baracus nodded slightly, relaxing his hands. "Just wishing there was more we could do for Face; nothing’s ever been easy for him. At least the crazy fool’s getting help."

"I know, B.A., but for right now we just gotta give Face some room, and trust Murdock and Richter to do what’s best."

"I trust the fool; he loves Face and wouldn’t hurt him, but I ain’t so sure about this doctor. He had better not playing with Face’s head too much. We already got one lunatic on this team. Two, and I’ll be looking for Lynch to turn myself in."

"Relax, B.A., I’ve talked to Richter and he knows how concerned we are that both Face and Murdock get the best care possible. He’s assured me that Face was being stubborn but it was nothing that he couldn’t handle.

"Besides," Smith grinned with his cigar stuck between his teeth, "I told him that Face had this very large friend who was very protective, and had no problem performing open heart surgery on anyone who hurt his little brother."

"Thanks, Hannibal." B.A. tried to hide a hint of a smile behind his usual scowl.

"Now that’s settled. If you have no other plans for the day, how about you and I head to the ballpark? Face and Murdock are taking off for the weekend after they are finished with the shrink, and everyone needs a holiday, even fugitives." Hannibal slapped Baracus on the back. "Think about it, B.A. - peanuts, hotdogs, cotton candy, the roar of the crowd. The sun in your scalp. It’ll be great!"

B.A. shook his head; sometimes the colonel was nuttier than Murdock, but it did sound like a great way to spend the day. "Sure, Colonel. What time you wanna leave?"

"The Dodgers are playing the Expos in a doubleheader. So we’ll have to leave soon. We can get tickets at the gate," Hannibal shouted over the noise that Murdock and Face were making as they came in.

"Forget it, Murdock! I am never going to talk to that man again." Templeton Peck was red with anger.

"Face, come on, you’ve got to give it a real try. You’ve only been going for a couple of weeks. Things don’t get better overnight."

"What happened?" Smith demanded, all thoughts of the game forgotten.

"Nothing," Face snapped, heading to the fridge.

"Face, let me tell them."

"I said no! They don’t need to know every detail of my life. No one does! Not even you."

"Hey, take it easy. Now what’s going on here? I thought you and Murdock had your first couple’s thing with Richter?"

Face and Murdock glanced at each other and blushed slightly. "We did, but it didn’t work out, and I’m not going back to see that quack anymore. End of discussion, and before you say it, Hannibal, I don’t care if you do kick me off the team!" Face went to his bedroom. The door slammed with enough force to shake the windows.

Murdock sat down hard on the kitchen chair; he was totally shocked at the anger his lover had displayed. Damn, all that hard work ruined. He warned Richter to take it easy on Face, but the doc thought it was time for a little dose of reality. He tried to tell him that Face didn’t do reality well.

B.A. examined the thin pilot slumped in his seat. He not only worried about Face but about Murdock as well. The fool had lost a lot of weight these last two years. It was only recently that he had begun to resemble the courageous pilot he had known in ‘Nam. B.A. moved closer, waiting to see how Murdock was going to react to Face’s outburst.

"Murdock?" Hannibal asked with raised eyebrows.

"You heard him. I’m not supposed to talk about it."

Hannibal turned to B.A. who also shook his head; he was at a loss for what to do, too. The only one that could ever get Murdock to spill was Face.

"Captain, we aren’t asking you to squeal on Face, we just want to know how to help him. What happened? We thought he was doing so well."

Murdock shifted around like an ant colony had been released into his khakis. He wanted to tell Hannibal and B.A. They might know how to help; after all, they weren’t strangers, they were family. God knew, Face needed all the family he could get.

"Okay, but you have to swear that what I tell you won’t leave this room, or God help me, I’ll throw both of you out of a plane without parachutes," Murdock said. There was a force of iron behind the words that let the men know the pilot wasn’t joking.

Murdock began to tear at the corners of a paper napkin he found discarded on the table. Taking a deep breath, he tried to explain what happened, not that he really understood it all himself.

"Today was our first time talking to Richter together. Usually, we’d talk to him separately. At first, it went pretty well. Maybe all-right is a better choice of words." Murdock sighed, "No. I would have to say it was more bearable than all-right."

"Get on with it, fool."

The captain took another deep breath and piled his confetti into a mound. "For the last few weeks, Richter and Face were feeling each other out, but today the doc got closer to the truth than Face liked and Face exploded."

"What did Richter say?" Hannibal sat down beside the other man.

"At first, Face didn’t want to talk. I don’t know if it was because I was there or not, so I tried to run interference, telling the doctor everything that Face had told me about growing up and living in the orphanage. Then Richter asked me to go so he and Face could talk alone. I listened at the door before one of the orderlies caught me. I can’t tell you any more than that. I want to, but I can’t betray Face’s trust."

Hannibal couldn’t fault Murdock for his loyalty. "Okay, Captain, I understand. How about you? Are you all right?"

"I’m okay, I think. I’m just worry about Face." Murdock continued to tear the napkin and himself apart.

Hannibal watched the younger man curl up into himself and felt his blood run cold. He had seen Murdock do this just after they had escaped; it was when he and Face had first been separated at the MASH. He couldn’t just sit back and leave things alone; if he did he might lose them both. "How about I go and try to talk to Face? Maybe he’ll let me in on what’s happening."

"Could you, please? That would be great, Hannibal, if you don’t mind? I tried to, but he wouldn’t tell me anything. Said to shut up and mind my own business."

"I’m sure he didn’t mean that. I’m sure he was upset and wasn’t thinking clearly. Besides, talking is what we COs do best." Before he left the kitchen, Hannibal nodded to B.A. to keep an eye on Murdock; he didn’t need the pilot coming apart right now.

Got it, mouthed B.A., moving to sit next to his friend.

Hannibal headed toward Face’s room knowing that Murdock was in good hands. Face could be one of the most stubborn men Hannibal had ever met, but Face had never felt the full brunt of John Smith.

Hannibal knocked on the door. Smith was concerned when he got no immediate response. He gave the door another sharp rap, louder than before. Still, no answer. He opened the door and walked into the dark room. He figured he’d given Face enough warning.

The colonel was surprised at the room Face had chosen. It was small and plain, but cozy. There was a large four-poster bed with a dark blue rocker-recliner next to the bed. A dark oak dresser and a very old roll-top desk sat by the far wall.

"Go away, Murdock."

Once his eyes adjusted, Hannibal saw Face staring into space, sitting on the floor near the large bay windows. The heavy sapphire curtains had been drawn, giving the room the appearance of night in spite of the early morning hour.

Hannibal flicked on the lights before standing directly in front of Face who had his knees pulled up to his chin.

"Christ!" Face covered his eyes. "What part of go away did you not understand?"

"Can’t do that, kid."

"Hannibal?"

"In the flesh. Now what’s going on with you?" The colonel sat down on the edge of the perfectly-made bed.

Face rose to his feet with the intention of escorting his commander to the door. "I don’t want to talk about it."

"Too bad, Lieutenant, not talking isn’t an option. Come on, Face, I only want to help."

"You can’t."

"How can you be so sure until you tell me?"

"Because you can’t go back and change the past, or Richter’s opinion of me."

Hannibal moved next to Face. "If I could, Face, I would. But what’s important is Murdock. I know what happened in ‘Nam could never change his opinion of you. It hasn’t changed mine."

Face appreciated Hannibal’s confidence, but it wasn’t his faith that was in question. "It’s not just the camp and all that shit. Richter seems to think I have some kind of abandonment issue. Not that I can understand that. Why would anyone dropped on the steps of an orphanage when they were five have any issues with abandonment?"

Face paced around the room, trying to rein his emotions in. Getting upset never solved his problems.

"The doc doesn’t think all that combined with the Army chasing us makes me a very attractive package for Murdock. Can’t argue with him either."

"I don’t think I’m following you."

"The army does think we are a priority. But that’s not what had Richter the most upset. I went to him for help, but I can’t open up and say what’s going on in my head, and Richter called me on it. Instead of taking it, or making some smart-ass comment, I got angry. What if Richter convinces Murdock that I’m no good for him and keeps us apart? I mean, I hit Murdock once when I had a flashback. What if I do it again?"

Face sighed, wrapped his arms tight around his chest and squeezed hard. He tried to get his heart to slow down. "Maybe it’s not a bad idea keeping us apart. I don’t see things changing in my head soon."

"Isn’t that what you are supposed to be trying to do? Figuring out a way to deal with the past so that you and Murdock can get on with your future?"

"Today at our session," Face spat out the last word, "we tried to talk about the future and how we both saw it. I told Richter that I wanted a life with Murdock no matter what it took. But the one thing that he kept pointing out to me was how up in the air everything is. With us being chased, Murdock’s treatments and my own inability to talk."

"Well, Face, I think you should look at it from Richter’s point of view." Hannibal slipped his arm around the shoulder of his young friend.

"You agree with him? I thought you had no problem with us together." Face shoved Hannibal’s hand off him. "After all, you’re the one who got us together."

"I don’t. You and Murdock are good for each other. Richter’s trying to be a good doctor for both of you. Maybe you need more therapy alone before you try it together again. "

"The doc said I don’t let Murdock see the real me. That I like to hide behind walls." Face collapsed into the large blue chair.

"Face, I know it’s hard for you to talk about yourself. It took us almost a year to find out that you were an orphan."

"What’s that got to do with anything? It was a war. You don’t get close to people in a war. At least I tried not to. Guess it didn’t do me any good."

"I know the feeling, kid. But the war is over now and, if you want to move forward, then you need to deal with what happened."

"Now you sound like the shrink." The younger man pulled his knees up and rested his chin on them.

"As much as I hate to admit it, there might be a lot to what he’s saying."

Face shook his head without looking up. "Christ, I never thought you would be against me like this," Peck muttered into his legs. "I guess that tells me everything I need to know."

"For God’s sake, Face, I’m not against you. I care about you and Murdock. Hell, the three of you are the closest thing I have to family. I want you happy, and if that’s with Murdock, great. But we need to get back to work. It’s not going to take long before even an idiot like Lynch is able to find us. Plus the money we have won’t last for much longer. But to do all that, I need to know that I can count on you a hundred percent."

"I’ve never messed up on a mission, ever," Face insisted. "Not even after the camp."

"I know you haven’t, and I want to keep it that way. I didn’t bring you through ‘Nam just to get killed here," Smith said passionately. "I’m your CO and that means something to me. I won’t betray that, understand?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, kid, what is this really all about? You seem scared."

"I’m not scared," Face argued, playing with the cuff of his bellbottoms. "It’s just that there are things I don’t want to talk about. Stuff I’m not sure Murdock can handle. But Richter keeps pushing, wanting me to talk, to open up, to trust him and Murdock. If it were only that easy."

"I don’t think the doc would have told you to talk to Murdock if he didn’t think H.M. could deal with what you have to tell him. You and Richter have talked about the camp, haven’t you?"

Face hung his head and sighed. "No, and why do I have to talk about it? Everyone knows what happened in the camp. What good will talking about it with Richter do? It’ll just bring up more problems, like what if I can’t be with Murdock?"

"Physically, you mean?" Hannibal couldn’t believe he was having this conversation. He was sure he was in the Twilight Zone, or at least on Candid Camera.

"Ah, yeah," Face whispered.

"Face, you and I both know that Murdock loves you. And after what happened in ‘Nam, especially in the camp, you might be a little scared..."

"I’m not talking about the camp, well, not just the camp. The stuff I told him when we first got together was heavy, the rest of it is worse." Face felt his cheeks flush red with embarrassment. It was hard to tell Murdock about Craig and the orphanage; he never intended Hannibal to know about any of it. As for the rest, no one was going to know about it, ever.

Hannibal’s stomach clenched in anger at what his lieutenant was trying to tell him without actually saying anything. "Face." Hannibal reached out to pat the younger man’s leg, but thought better of it in the end.

"Please, Hannibal, don’t say anything. This is hard enough without words of wisdom coming from you." Face closed his eyes as the shame he felt threatened to overwhelm him. "Let’s just say that being small and pretty wasn’t a good thing in the army, POW camps or the orphanage."

Smith knew that Face’s life in the army had been rough before he joined them, but somehow he had convinced himself that Face’s childhood had been all right. Hannibal tried to offer words of comfort but he knew of no words to make things better.

Hannibal jumped slightly when he felt a light touch on his shoulder. He looked up to see Murdock’s brown eyes sad, but still with a touch of hope.

"You know for a smart guy you can be real dumb, Faceman. You don’t think you can get rid of me that easily, do you?"

"H.M., what are you doing here?"

"Talking to my best friend, if that’s okay with you?" He knelt in front of Face. "I can’t believe you would think I would choose Richter over you. You wouldn’t give up on me, so the least you can do is have a little faith in me not to give up on you."

"I’m sorry, Murdock; I tried, but I just can’t open up and trust him. I know I told you I would, but I can’t." Face tried to turn away from the other man but Murdock held him by the shoulder and forced the blond to sit still.

"What about me? Can you trust me?"

Face stared into his love’s dark brown eyes. That was the big question, could he trust Murdock? The last time he trusted someone to look after him, he’d gotten hurt and used.

"I want to, but there’s - "

"No buts, Face," Murdock interrupted, with a gentle touch to Face’s sweet lips. "I’m not saying you have to spill every detail of your life to me. What I need from you, is you to tell me when things are bothering you and why. There are things you aren’t going to want to talk about for a while, if ever. The same is true for me. If you can live with that, then I can too. But if you can’t, then you need to talk about them. I know it’s simplistic, but that’s the way it works."

Peck hoped that things could be that easy. "I’ll try, but what about our other problem?"

"Other problem?"

"What happens if we get caught by the army? You can’t deny that it might be a possibility. And God knows some of these missions we go on aren’t exactly safe. What if I don’t come back from one of them? Are you going to be able to handle that?"

He couldn’t do that to Murdock; he couldn’t make the pilot depend on him only to disappear one day.

"The same thing could happen to me, too, Muchacho."

Hannibal stepped out of the shadows and stood in front of the two men. "Face, you are asking a question that every military man asks himself; is it fair to start a family or should I wait until after my tour. I waited and now there may not be a chance for me. I hope you don’t make the same mistake I did. Now, as for getting caught, I can’t make any promises, but I’ll do my damnedest to make sure that never happens. But keeping us safe on a mission is up to you, too. So I need you to do whatever it takes to get that head of yours on straight."

Both men watched as the colonel left the room.

"Okay, how about we start working on this trust thing?" Murdock pulled Face up to his feet.

‘H.M., what if Richter’s right, and I’m no good for you?"

Murdock let out a long sigh. "Face, do you love me?"

Face slipped away from Murdock’s arms and turned to look out the window. The surf was crashing along the shore. God, he felt just like those rocks, battered and bruised. Life kept on knocking him down and trying to sweep him away, but he had Murdock for an anchor and hadn’t gone out to sea yet.

"Yes, I do love you."

"Then that’s all I need."

Murdock turned Face so that they could see each other’s eyes. "I know you trust me with your life, but what about your heart, Face? Can you trust me with that?"

"My heart’s in so many pieces, but I want to try."

"Then tell me what happened today with Richter after he asked me to leave." Murdock and Face leaned against the headboard of the bed.

"We danced around each other. I lobbed a few accusations at him before saying that I wanted to take you away for the weekend. I told him that I thought I was ready to take the next step in our physical relationship. When I told him I wanted you to make love to me, he said he didn’t think I was ready. But I’m tired of you doing all the giving and me all the taking."

"Yeah, well, you know why we did it that way. Besides, I don’t mind being on the bottom."

"I know, and I agreed with it at the time. I needed to feel in control, and I needed to deal with my problems instead of trying to lose myself in sex. How’s that for psychoanalyzing?"

Murdock smiled and gave Face’s hand a squeeze. "Not bad, but it works better with a German accent."

Face laughed before taking Murdock’s hands into his and giving each palm a gentle kiss. "H.M., I would never do anything to hurt you."

Murdock’s forehead furrowed in concern. "I know that, babe," he said confidently.

"I don’t think I can just walk away from this. No matter what Richter thinks or even what I think. Without you, I don’t know if I would have gotten this far. God, without you I’m not sure I would have survived that hellhole. But if what you need to get better is to be free of me -"

Murdock launched himself at Face’s lips. "I don’t want or need anything but you. I don’t care what any shrink says. I love you and that’s all that matters even if we do end up sharing a rubber room. There is no one I would rather share it with."

"Thanks, that makes me feel so much better. But it doesn't change the facts that I am a wanted man and you live in a mental ward. Not exactly the best of both worlds, is it?"

"Face," Murdock warned.

"It's not like I can be listed as next of kin. What if I can never tell you everything that happened to me? What if I can never let you make love to me?"

"I love you and I want to be with you, any way I can."

"Even when I'm losing my mind?"

Murdock smiled. "You love me when I'm losing mine, don't you?"

"Of course I do, but that's different," Face insisted.

Murdock crossed his arms in anger. "Why, because I'm in the VA? Because I'm a certifiable nut, a danger to society and need to be locked up?"

"No! Yes! I don't know." Face paced in front of the window. "I can't explain it.

"God, this was not what I thought we would be doing today. I had it all planned. I would dazzle Richter with my charm, convince him that everything was fine in my world. Then we would take a nice drive up to my friend's place near Monterey. We would spend time on the beach watching the surf and stealing a few kisses. Then we would head back to the house, have supper, curl up under a blanket by a roaring fire. Then I would ask you to make love to me. Maybe you just need to do it, no matter what I say."

"No, Face! I want to hold you for the rest of our lives. For as long as you'll let me, but I won't do anything that you don't want me to do. I would rather die than hurt you."

"I know that you would never hurt me, H.M.; you’re the only thing that keeps me going. I won't lose you because of things that happened long ago."

Murdock placed a gentle kiss on Face's neck. "You won't, I promise. Can we still go to that place by the beach? I don't mind if all we do is cuddle by the fire."

The pilot fluttered his big brown eyes. He just wanted to get Face somewhere they could relax and let nature take its course. Maybe once they were alone they could talk. Face had told him of a few things that had happened to him as a kid. As bad as the POW camp had been, it was the priest at Chu Lai that screwed Face up the most by telling him that the rapes were a punishment from God for having fallen in love with another man.

Face looked shyly through his blond bangs. "I want to do more than cuddle; that is, if you still want me that way?"

The former captain grinned; he had wanted Face any way he could get him since they met five years ago on a dusty LZ. Being allowed to make that beautiful body his would be a dream come true. "Once you’re ready, you had better believe it."

"I know what I want, and I want you." Face ran his hand along the opening of Murdock T-shirt, gently pulling at a few of his lover's chest hairs that were teasing him. "I have everything we are going to need in the car, so let’s go to the cabin, just like I’d planned."

Murdock grabbed his lover's hands and started to pull him toward the door. "You got it."

"Slow down, Murdock. The cabin will still be there whenever we get there."

Murdock’s eyes were full of lust and desire. "I can't wait to hold you, to make love to you."

Face left his cheeks heating up. "I want that, too."

Murdock leaned forward and caressed Face's lips with his. "We’re going to make it. I promise."

The love and tenderness he saw in Murdock’s eyes overwhelmed him. "I know together we can get through anything." Suddenly all the fears that he had been feeling over the last few months were gone, and Face felt nothing but loved and cherished. "I love you."

"Love you, too, Facey."

Face opened the door and took Murdock's hand and herded his lover out to the car and to the future that awaited them.

To Chapter 2