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'No' your way to trust workshop

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We should say 'no' far more often than we do. Why we don't, the consequences, and how to get comfortable with and effective in saying 'no' is the subject of this workshop. Beauty is that you don't even need to say 'no' in order to express 'no'. First facilitated at Agile and Beyond 2018.

Published in: Leadership & Management
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'No' your way to trust workshop

  1. 1. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  2. 2. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • There will be a break • Probably about halfway through Housekeeping
  3. 3. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  4. 4. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver Session working agreement • No phones • Vegas rules • Improv rules
  5. 5. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  6. 6. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver WORKshop Work • Adjective that describes a favorite activity • Name • What you hope to take away from this session • Example – “Taiko drumming Marjan I’d like to hear your stories” Shop • Pair up • 1 minute – Tell your partner your answers • Group 4 pairs • 4 minutes – Everyone introduces their partner
  7. 7. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  8. 8. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • I was world champion not saying ‘no’ • Even when I realized the payoff/drawback situation, I still didn’t change much • Because: the emotional impact of payoffs was greater and more immediate than that of the drawbacks • I started to change when I realized what saying ‘yes’ and saying ‘no’ meant for how I spent my time • I really changed when I realized my trustworthiness was at stake • That changed the balance of the emotional value I attached to the payoffs and the drawbacks of not saying ‘no’ Marjan
  9. 9. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  10. 10. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Why don’t we say ‘no’ Discussion
  11. 11. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Not disappointing or hurting someone else • Not being seen as “negative” • Not being seen as “incompetent” • Not being seen as “uncooperative” • Avoiding conflict Good reasons
  12. 12. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Being needed • Being liked • Being accepted • Belonging Real reasons
  13. 13. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  14. 14. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • For someone who doesn’t say ‘no’ • For those dealing with them Discussion
  15. 15. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver Consequences For someone doesn’t say ‘no’ • Taking on too much • Feeling taken advantage of • Blaming • Resentment • Feeling bad about themselves • Ineffective and even aggressive when finally saying ‘no’ For those dealing with them • Hard time figuring out when they can count on a yes • Dealing with passive aggression • Dealing with sarcasm and cynicism (from resentment and blaming) • Dealing with unexpected vehemence
  16. 16. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • No trust • No focus • Anxiety, stress, burnout, depression • Lack of identity (personal or as a team) • Personal and professional • Individuals and teams Ultimate consequences
  17. 17. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver WHEN IT CLICKED FOR ME
  18. 18. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Saying ‘yes’  saying no to everything else • Saying ‘no’  giving space to everything else • Focus – Saying ‘yes’ to only 1, or at most a few, thing(s) – Saying ‘no’ to almost everything Time and focus
  19. 19. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  20. 20. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • In software development, what would you call a company unable or unwilling to say ‘no’? • In general, what would you call a company constantly saying ‘no’ to keep focusing on their purpose? Wondering
  21. 21. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver Trust
  22. 22. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver Boundaries You respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no. Reliability You do what you say you’ll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities. Accountability You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends. Vault You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential. Integrity You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them. Non-judgment I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment. Generosity You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others. Brené Brown Braving definition
  23. 23. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • To set boundaries so you can – Stay within your integrity and authenticity – Remain reliable and make your ‘yes’s count – Remain generous in your interpretation of the intentions, words, and actions of others (generosity without boundaries equals being a doormat) – Remain non-judgmental and ask for what you need • In other words – To stand up for what counts – To satisfy your needs and those of the people close to you – To unwelcome demands or requests – To inappropriate or abusive behavior – To unfair or not working systems and situations • Succintly – To everything you can’t wholeheartedly say ‘yes’ to Say ‘no’
  24. 24. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  25. 25. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver WORKshop Work • Question – Will you help me? • Answer – Bluntly (just ‘no’) – Matter of factly (just ‘no’) – Aggressively / blamingly / judgmentally (for example ‘no, way!’). • Note how it makes you feel to – Say it – Receive it Shop • Partner with someone you don’t know • 2 minutes – Take turns asking and answering
  26. 26. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Saying it • Receiving it • Power? How did that go?
  27. 27. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver Power of a positive ‘no’ Best book for trust That isn’t about trust
  28. 28. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  29. 29. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  30. 30. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Empowers your ‘no’ • Most important part • Makes sticking with your ‘no’ 10x easier • Two fold – What you say yes! to which is why you are going to say ‘no’ – Plan B Yes! No Yes?
  31. 31. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver Relation of Yes! with Trust
  32. 32. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver WORKshop Work • Think of a request or an invitation that – You badly want to say ‘no’ to – You have been trying to come up with excuses for – And you expect your ‘no’ not to be accepted easily • Find out why you want to say ‘no’ Shop • Find a new partner • Take turns • Each turn – One says what (s)he wants to say ‘no’ to – Other asks 5 times (preferably 9) “What about that is important to you”
  33. 33. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  34. 34. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Plan B – For your own benefit and confidence which interestingly makes it more likely you won’t have to use it – Not intended to punish, but to protect your deeper Yes! – Not worst case thinking, but planning different means of success – Action you can take independent of the other – Backup! Not fallback (compromise) – The consequences you will accept for sticking with your Yes! Taking responsibility for your own needs and interests with or without the other’s cooperation • Choices – Do it yourself – Exit – Third side (to whom could you turn for help) • Stepped execution plan • Anticipate their power moves and don’t hit back but take away their stick • Distinguish fear from reality (unless they can kill you, you’ll probably be ok) Yes! Plan B
  35. 35. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver WORKshop Work • Scenario • What would be plan B? Shop • Groups of 4-5 • 4 minutes – Generate options • Central – Each group gives best 2
  36. 36. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver Questions • Would you express your ‘yes!’? • Why? • Why not? • Would you keep plan B to yourself? • Why? • Why not?
  37. 37. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  38. 38. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Why would you want to be careful expressing your ‘yes!’? – Condescending – Judgmental – Confrontational – “Boundary bully” • Why would you want to keep your plan B to yourself? – Threatening, extortion Expressing your Yes! or not?
  39. 39. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  40. 40. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Expressing your ‘no’ • Least important part • Can often be skipped • Best expressed matter of factly • When expressed, does not require the word ‘no’ Yes! No Yes?
  41. 41. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • How many ways can you think of to say ‘no’ without actually saying ‘no’ • 1 minute silent writing • Discussion Question
  42. 42. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver Saying ‘no’
  43. 43. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver
  44. 44. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Getting to a positive outcome • ‘Yes?’ opens up the floor • Makes it easier for the other to accept your ‘no’ • Acknowledging and respecting the other’s needs and interests • And acknowledging and respecting your own needs and interests • Saying what you will do • Saying what you want them to do • Most situations, if not all, are not binary • There always is at least a third option Yes! No Yes?
  45. 45. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver WORKshop Work • Scenario • Come up with at least 5 options that satisfy both your own and the other’s interests • Keep it about you: what you can or will do Shop • Groups of 4-5 • 4 minutes – Generate options • Central – Each group gives best 2
  46. 46. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Express your yes! (carefully) • Express your ‘no’ (optionally) • Express your ‘yes?’ – Acknowledge / respect the other’s interest – Suggest an alternative Delivering your Positive ‘no’
  47. 47. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver WORKshop Work • Scenario • Come up with three ways that you can phrase a positive ‘no’ Shop • Groups of 4-5 • 4 minutes – Generate options • Central – Each group gives best 2
  48. 48. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Receiving a ‘no’ always stings at least a little • Pushback is inevitable and can get ugly – Stay calm – Allow other to process their emotions • Whatever comes out of their mouths is not about you (even though it may sound like it), it’s about them and their grieving over not getting what they (thought they) wanted – Name their tactics (guilting, shaming, …) • Counteractions – Go to the balcony – Breath! – Remind yourself of your Yes! – Re-assert No – Negotiate to Yes Wheathering the storm
  49. 49. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver WRAP UP
  50. 50. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Trust starts with self-trust: knowing that you can rely on yourself to take care of yourself • Being able and willing to say ‘no’ effectively, is a huge part of that • A rise in self-trust and trustworthiness automagically comes with it Trust
  51. 51. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver • Yes? works better than No – It’s more effective because it focuses on your goal – It’s more efficient because it leaves fewer options • Always acknowledge and respect the other – Acknowledging doesn’t mean agreeing – Respect is re-spect: again see – When you feel heard, it is easier to accept a ‘no’ To say ‘no’ You don’t have to say ‘no’ at all
  52. 52. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver https://sayat.me/marjanvenema (anonymously) marjan@marjanvenema.com https://twitter.com/cabriodriver https://www.linkedin.com/in/marjanvenema Feedback
  53. 53. marjanvenema.com #sayingno, #trust@cabriodriver Q&A

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