New Jersey
New Jersey is crap, you can help by completely avoiding it.
After the Dutch and later the Jews successfully purged New York City of any and all Native Americans, set up shop and started civilization anew in the New World, they realized that while Manhattan was a cool place to party, it was kinda small and there was nowhere to dump their empties the next day. Immediately to the south and west was a large swamp, and there was much rejoicing, as the northeast had found a home for all their garbage. That bright new place, that beacon of dumps, was New Jersey. New Jersey is the birthplace of many celebrities who became famous only after getting the fuck out of this shithole.
Coordinates for Bombing Runs - Lat:38°55'N to 41°21'23"N Long:73°53'39"W to 75°35'W
Contents
History[edit]
New Jersey's first nest was the rest-stop at the Jersey side of the George Washington Bridge. Early settlers came here in search of up to 30% cheaper gas and the freedom to get a reasonably priced blowjob by a transsexual Puerto Rican named Tiki in the back of their tractor-trailer. These rest-stops are a staple of New Jersey history and culture frequented by everyone, including the former Governor Jim McGreevy (he was later IRL b& from his office for his faggotry).
From this first settlement sprang up hundreds of square miles of straight, unadorned numbered roads, rancid power plants, and strip malls. This budding culture capital attracted settlers from all over southern New York, and after a few generations, those three families inbred to become the bustling society that New Jersey is today with a population of over 8 million people. In New Jersey, everyone really is family!
Great Moments in New Jersey History[edit]
1664: Two English rowboats under the command of Colonel Richard Nicolls single-handedly took over the entire colony by grimacing 'in a manner most foul and uncouth.' The area was subsequently granted its present name.
1776: Washington crosses the Delaware to rape some Hessians on Christmas.
1967: Newark Riots occurred, a bunch of niggers went nuts and burnt down their own homes. Nothing of value was lost.
2004: NJ Governor Jim McGreevey, after being caught having surprise buttsecks at rest stops, resigned from office, announcing that he is a "gay americunt".
2007: The Chinese issue NJ its own Hanzi Unicode character.
Economy[edit]
The pharmaceutical industry has a strong presence in New Jersey, making the place kind-of okay, because everyone likes new drugs. The typical experience of the New Jersey economy is the many gas stations (all full-serviced), retail strip-malls containing everything from clothing shops to fast food restaurants, factories, and power plants. It can be derived that New Jersey's economy is based entirely upon giving you cancer and then selling you drugs to slow down your eventual death.
Several nationally known universities are located in New Jersey, including Rutgers located in New Brunswick, and Princeton, an ivy league university which nobody ever mentions being in Jersey, because IT'S NEW FUCKING JERSEY.
The shoreline holds a number of exciting opportunities, such as Atlantic City, where you will be raped, robbed, and/or totally jewed out of all your dough. Further up the coast is Asbury Park, the original site and continued example of Fail.
Main Exports[edit]
- Food (fast)
- That smell (You'll know when you're flying over Jersey)
- The Sopranos
- Reaction of non-Jersey residents to Sopranos residents:
- Reaction of non-Jersey residents to Sopranos residents:
- Jersey flavored Guidos
- 45% of the worlds UV light pollution on account of thousands of tanning salons
- 75% of the United States' emissions from aerosol hair spray.
- Pork Roll, a conglomerate of meat like scrapple but only with more uses.
- The Toxic Avenger
Main Imports[edit]
- New Yorkers
- Illegal aliens
- Illegal fireworks smuggled in from Pennsylvania (You can legally buy them there at Wal-Mart, but it's illegal to use 'em there)
- Illegal BB guns (For whatever fucked up reason, BB guns are illegal in NJ)
- 99% of the world's garbage
- Pretty much everything else on the planet
South Jersey[edit]
South Jersey is a redneck shithole comprised of "pineys," wide open pastures, and one big fucking elephant.
Pineys live in small huts at the base of trees in the New Jersey Pine Barrens and drink their own piss to survive, sometimes wandering into civilized communities asking for a child to sacrifice. Pineys are NOT to be confused with hippies: pineys are fat smelly fucks that drive 4x4s and sleep under a confederate flag; they also hunt niggers for sport. Hippies are skinny whiny liberal welfarecunts who enjoy the smell of their own pretentious gas.
South Jersey is also known to contain a high number of farms, leading one to believe that many Southjerseans have sex with animals. This is true. While animal rape is rampant and wide-spread throughout the region, one cannot overstate the importance of having a large, open space to practice clay-pigeon shooting and 4x4 driving.
In South Jersey, particularly in the town of Margate, lies a big fucking elephant. Southjerseans have decided to give this fat fuck a name: Lucy. As if the U.S. government wasn't trolling enough when they allowed fags, women, and non-Christians the right to vote, they decided to make Lucy a national historic site. Lucy is, in fact, a building, and it's (literally) over a hundred years old. Many developers have attempted to demolish this piece of shit, but as always, good, reasonable people always rise up to fight the good fight.
Culture[edit]
Despite the judgment passed upon New Jersey by New Yorkers, Philidelphians, Connecticunts, Northern Delawarians, Jews, Nigras, Comedians, Late night talk show hosts, Films, Television, the Internet, your Mom, your dog, and your Grandpa, New Jersey is actually jam-packed with valuable additions to the American cultural landscape.
Guidos[edit]
| —-So Cash |
House[edit]
Dr. Gregory House, Anonymous' favorite TV doctor and his wily gang are proud residents of the state of New Jersey, on TV. Being doctors, and being fictional, their lives are pretty sweet. This may be the redeeming factor of the cultural condition of the state of New Jersey. And remember, whatever is wrong with New Jersey, it definitely is fucking NOT LUPUS.
Hal Turner[edit]
As far as the internet is concerned, the greatest thing to come out of New Jersey is a radio talk show host and internet tough guy, Hal Turner. Hal thinks that white people are teh best. His show comprised of massive amounts of BAWWW, lies, and posturing against the liberals. In this classic tale of trying to troll the trolls, Hal learns the hard way that Anon does not forgive, forget, and is most certainly legion.
The chronicles of the collective efforts 7chan/4chan/YTMND/Ebaumsworld and Bantown, including lots of prank calls, cloaks, at least 7 proxies, and information about Hal's beautiful North Bergen, NJ estate can be found here.
Nudity[edit]
New Jersey is also home to the Incest Nudist Colony of the Rock Lodge Club located in Northern New Jersey in the New Jersey Highlands. Why anyone would want to get naked in New Jersey or let alone be around other nude New Jersians is beyond human comprehension.
Famous Residents[edit]
As you can see, because of New Jersey's dense population, there have been lots of celebrities hailing from this wasteland. What do they all have in common? THEY GOT THE FUCK OUT AND NEVER CAME BACK.
- Ashley Tisdale (Singer, Actress)
- Bruce Springsteen (Singer)
- Tom Cruise (Need we say more?)
- Bon Jovi (Singer, fag)
- Jack Nicholson (Possibly New Jersey's only redeeming factor)
- Paul Rudd (Actor)
- The Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Master Shake, Meatwad and Frylock) (as well as Carl Brutananadilewski, their neighbor.)
- Frank Sinatra (Singer, pimp, gangsta, guinea)
- John Travolta (Scientologist)
- Allen Ginsberg (poet/former lover of talk radio host and self loathing jew Michael Savage)
- George R.R. Martin (pornographer and IRL troll who keeps the whole world waiting)
- Peter Dinklage (Martin's co-conspirator and dwarf jester)
- Thomas Edison (stealer of inventions)
- Danny Devito (short wop)
- Derek Jeter (prettyboy baseball player)
- Antonin Scalia (Greaseball member of the Supreme Court and the reason George W. Bush was our president)
- Samuel Alito (Another greaseball member of the Supreme Court.)
- Jason Alexander (Actor on most overrated sitcom ever)
- Jason Biggs (Faggot from American Pie)
- Buzz Aldrin (Second man to walk on the moon, can still kick your ass.)
- Richard Lewis (alcoholic)
- Charles Lindbergh (pilot, nazi)
- Martha Stewart (Professional cunt)
- Kevin Spacey (homosexual actor)
- Bill Maher (large nosed comedian)
- Bruce Willis (Bald-headed fag)
- David Copperfield (faggot who can do magic tricks)
- Voltaire (Emo goth singer/teacher/animater)
- Kirsten Dunst (butterface actress)
- Jew (Anchorman)
- The Bouncing Souls (Band)
- My Chemical Romance (Band, emo)
- The Gaslight Anthem
(Best band EVAR!)
- Pierced (Sysop, gamer)
- The Misfits (band)
- Monster Magnet (another band)
- Jay and Silent Bob (stoners)
- Governor Chris Christie (a certified blubber-monster)
- Erik "Tazman" Mokracek He's basically Chris Chan but in New Jersey.
Official State Anthem:[edit]
| Featured article October 13, 2005 | ||
| Preceded by Non sequitur |
New Jersey | Succeeded by Real World |
