Gamble Everything For Love

"I can't really explain what it's like where I live, but someday I will take you there."

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Sunday, January 25, 2004
I got my new glasses yesterday. it was a wierd sensation putting them on, because everyone at the eye place said my perscription changed a little bit. A little bit? I could see the future! The promise land! Needless to say, i didn't wear them driving home, i put them on when i got out of my car and i have been wearing them ever since. they are smaller than my last frames, so there's a tinier field of vision to get used to, and i think i am adjusted mostly, except for peripherally. it still wierds my eyes out a bit, but i think it's good. The guy at the eye place said they were sleek, modern and stylish. i feel a bit like a cat when i wear them because they are so oval shaped.

this is them if you wanna see em.

sometimes i feel like i really had an idea of what is going on in Latin, other times, not so much. i have a lot of catching up to do, and i am already wondering what the exam is going to look like.

i have to draw a self portrait sometime today for elements of design. i might do it before i go to work, and then continue on latin at work. that actually sounds like a good plan. that is what i will do. I also have to go to my car and get the bag of art supplies i left there, and next week, thursday morning, i have to run back to hobby lobby and get the flat brushes i didn't buy. i thought i bought eight brushes, 4 flat, 4 round, but i bought all round. they were only a dollar each on clearance, so i will go ahead and keep all them and then get some new ones. i am so dumb.

the second rehearsal for "The Rope Swings" happened last week, and i am happy with what i see. It's a bit rough, it's only the second read through, but i can see how the diamond is developing from the carbon. it's going to be amazing. come see it. or else.

let's see, what else? Stuart show on friday was lots of fun. lots of people, many seeing stuart for the first time, including my friend Kat, and her friend, Bobby, who is keeping the most kick ass rock n roll show memorabilia book, that it makes me nostalgic for his age and when i was doing the same thing. looking back, i have done so much already. it's wierd, at the time, i didn't think of it as what would be a part of my history, something to look back on as i get older and think, wow, those were the days. sheesh, when did i become an old fart?

also, walking home from the stuart show, i sought out one of the freezing cold people who was canning for the dance marathon and stuck a dollar in the pot. the girl was amazed because i wasn't drunk AND i sought her out. drunk people are scary. i don't know why i walk through downtown on weekend nights. it would be one thing if people were drunk and responsible (like me) but they aren't. they are loud, belligerent, and dangerous and scary. especially the boys. i say it again, when did i become an old fart?

i started to look at grad schools yesterday. Ohio state (i think) has an interesting looking program, and the director of the grad playwright's program is a graduate from our grad school here. so at least if we meet, we have something in common right away. i decided i am going to try really hard to not be freaked out by the fact that i don't have a full length play yet, and stop trying to force it out. it's not going to make it a good play, it's going to drive me nuts, and no one wants me nuts, believe me. I was talking to sarah hammond about this last week and she said i should try to see if i can link the smaller plays i write together into one big one. i might try that this summer, but for the rest of the semester, i am just going to keep just writing whatever comes out, and if it's 10 or 100 pages, i'll deal. somehow.

ok it's time to do a self portrait after i shower and eat. i am going to see big fish with willie tonight after work. that should be fun. i really want to see this movie.

Monday, January 05, 2004
So it's the new year! rah. happy new year, y'all.

Tad was here for two weeks and we had a great time. I can't say we didn't fight, because we did, but we always were able to get past it. I think that what was mostly happening was tthat we are both pretty solitary people who enjoy our own space, and when two such people are thrown together in a tiny room for a couple weeks, well, you can imagine. but it wasn't that bad, in fact it was pretty great.

christmas was nice. Among the gifts that Tad gave me was this beautiful amythyst and silver necklace, which i keep putting together outfits around so i can wear it.

I currently have this hideous cold which won't allow me to sleep but when it does it gives me some pretty whacked out dreams. who needs drugs with dreams like these?

i remember when i was the first to do everything: to like a band, to see a movie, to get into a book. I wonder where that all went...I am on a mailing list called excellent, which is for primarily british and american indie music. i remember a time when i knew all the bands and had a definite opinion on music and such. now, i look at the list, and there are all these bands i have never heard of. and then belle and sebastian.


I should like belle and sebastian. They are among the bands known as twee bands. I like the magnetic fields. But i hate belle and sebastian. Fucking whiny ass fuckers.


Anyway, this little rant was going somewhere. Oh yeah.

I just saw the entire film of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Tad and I started to watch some of it (actually most of it) on new year's day, and i found it to be amusing. so i got it from the library (hey it was free).

And i just finished watching it. I cried. Twice.

So yes, not only am i behind in watching movies, but i also just watched a movie i swore i would never watch, and then i cried during it. Twice.

But it's actually a very good film. nothing ground breaking, but very sweet and heartwarming. and really, you just need that every once in a while. plus, it was very well written.

i suppose i should actually go and try to relearn some latin. Man, taking a semester off sucks. I don't remember ANYTHING.

Although i did remember enough to realize that at the beginning of evil dead II that they totally mis-translated the latin.

Necronomicon ex Mortis

it translates as Necronomicon out of the dead (plural ablative--ex is a preposition taking the ablative)

I am presuming necronomicon is the nomnitive, i don't think it's going to be in my dictionary :).

Also regarding evil dead II, which i thought was one of the stupidest films i had ever seen in my life (granted, that is not many films, but anyway), although the hand attacking scene was pretty funny. I think i was in the wrong frame of mind to be watching it because a couple days later i laughed at austin powers, which i hadn't done before. apparently state of mind is very important.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003
I just had the craziest dream i might be able to turn into a play. I think it's got the potential of being super cool, if i can get it to work.

speaking of work, on the way there yesterday i got a phone call from someone at my mom's nursing home, saying they needed some documents and information for the medicaid that my mother doesn't have yet. I don't have any of her papers so i referred him to barbara. Then this guy (who was a social worker by the way) said, she'd sure like to see you. I was like, oh, well, last thing i knew, she was mad at me and i assumed she didn't want to talk to me. He was like, well, she does and you know what assuming gets us most of the time...which i think he meant as a joke, but it wasn't funny in retrospect. This guy doesn't know my history with my mother, so i let him know how things were. I don't think he was too happy with me by the time i was finished. He wasn't very friendly at all.

so i don't know what to do. When i am in the quad cities on saturday, do i stop and see her with Tad? The thought of it makes me want to curl in a ball and die. The ten minutes I spent with her when i was there before was terrible. I don't know if i could handle it. Honestly.

And how much of this is the same kind of shit she's pulled before? How much of it is her deciding to act like her getting irrationally angry with me and not speaking to me for weeks on end is okay and that i should act like everything is hunky dory? Part of me just wants to send her some flowers and make up some story about how i can't stop by.

I'm just tired of dealing with her emotional manipulation and bloodletting. I just don't know what to do short of just never talking to her again. I wonder which would be less painful.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003
so i still don't have a director, but it's all good.

Jesus jesus jesus i have so much to do. I am so tired. When the hell is this semester going to be over?

I don't know what i think about this week long break then two weeks of class. i think we need to break in october and then have wednesday through sunday off for thanksgiving. It seems like it would be better. that's howthey do it in the spring semester with spring break and easter weekend. i think it's too hard to come back to all this after a nice relaxing week.

There's this girl, Cara, who i am going to meet with tomorrow about directing. I think it would be a good thing for her to direct. i have a good feeling. Although Khery would be cool to have direct, i think that Cara and me and the two girls would be a feminine force to reckon with.

There are so many girl parts in this festival, which could cause problems, especially since there are several older female characters. if i have a shot at melissa and danielle, i think it might be good. who knows. melissa and diana would be good too.

ok i am rambling.


Friday, November 28, 2003
I discovered this morning that you can make pretty good eggs in the microwave. They would be better had they had bacon chunks, onions and peppers in it, but you know, beggars can't be choosers. Or something like that.

Thanksgiving at John and Carolyn's was nice. I came home after we ate and took a nap, talked to tad on the phone, and then did homework. I plan on doing this again. But first i have to run out to my storage unit and get rid of all the shit in my car so mary can sit in it to drive to the mall.


i have to work at the mall

today is the day after thanksgiving

and i have to work at the mall.

hopefully things won't be THAT Crazy. Hopefully people will want to just get in and out and won't want ice cream.

Hey! The zamboni! Whooo hooo!

At least i have the ice rink across from our store so i can be all happy and excited when i see the zamboni. i wonder how long it will take to drive my fellow co workers crazy with the zamboni. why do i like the zamboni so much? Beats the hell out of me, but seeing it makes me happy. and when you work at the mall, you take your little happinesses where you can get them.

Pray for me that i don't kill anyone. and that i don't forget the ibuprophen.

Friday, November 21, 2003
I know it's been a long time, but i forgot my password and i was busy.


I got into the Ten Minute Play Festival again! I am so excited, this is the greatest! My play "The Rope Swings" will be presented along with several other fabulous plays. I am so excited! Happy Thanksgiving to me!

Monday, October 13, 2003
I've had it. completely. totally.

i have hit a wall and i can't go any further with dealing with my mom stuff. I have too much going on.

13 credit hours. Three jobs. A writing career. then the mom thing.

i simply have too much going on and i am going to have to back off on my responsibilities. i am behind in classes and i am sure i am not even getting a B in at least one of them.

tomorrow i am supposed to go sign her into the nursing home. it's temporary but i would have to spend an hour driving a car that is not exactly happy these days to sign her in and turn around and drive back. if i would have thought about it, i would have gotten a hold of minda. but i can't do that to her now.

i am just so stressed out. i don't know really want to do.

i know it probably makes me a bad person for just wanting to back out, but i seriously don't think i can handle this stress anymore. i don't want to flunk out of school. i am so close to graduation.

*sigh* i am going to post this and feel bad for my situation elsewhere