Murder
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This article needs moar names of killers; including school shooters etc; also names of murder victims. You can help by adding moar names of killers; including school shooters etc; also names of murder victims. |
For those who live OTI, just consider murder an IRL permaban. Refers to the premeditated killing of one human by another human (usually). Being completely and utterly, undeniably pwned by another individual. Some people find the need to murder themselves; this is referred to as suicide. If they create profound internet drama in the course of doing so, this makes them an hero.
The most common motive is hatred of the victim by the murderer, with the second most common being the stupidity of the victim and third most being the desire to be subject matter on CSI. The prevailing method is violence. The typical result is death, although not always the death of the would-be victim. Some argue that all murders are committed by niggers, but it is actually the smaller black population that gives this appearance.
Unsolved murders are left alone to "age" in a casket of oak for many years, thus earning the name "cold case". Murder connoisseurs say the primary difference is in the scent of the murder, and that aging can bring out many subtle flavors usually missed by the palate. If stored incorrectly, however, aging can cause the murder to go stale, resulting in lulz loss.
Rape and murder often go hand in hand. In this case, the motive is not hatred of the victim but simply the need to shut her the fuck up.
PROTIP: if you are ever on trial for murder, pleading "I did it for the lulz" will instantly make it justifiable. Try it.
Contents
"Premeditated"[edit]
There is some debate as to whether premeditation (meditating before killing) actually helps. 90% of murderers report that it does not, 1% are ninjas, and 2% believe that "you should experiment and find what's right for you." The rest were killed by their victims and were unable to partake in the survey.
Another interesting fact is that the majority of murder victims know the person who kills them. Therefore being a sad basement dweller with no friends might be a good survival strategy, just not for humanity,because you can't reproduce that way, its called natural selection. Then again, what about that goldfish in your room...
Not to be confused with premedicated.
How to off your family[edit]
Pool Party[edit]
- Have a pool party at your house with your immediate family
- Put roofies in the drinks
- Wait for family to fall asleep
- Duct tape them to Pool chairs
- Push chairs into the pool of flamethrowing fires
- ????
- GRAB THE MONEY YOU FUCKIN' JEW!
Ergotism[edit]
- Plant wheat or rye.
- Infect plants with ergot fungus
- Harvest plants
- Mill wheat or rye into a flour
- Bake into bread
- Feed bread to family
- If best results happen, laugh your ass off as your morbidly obese family drops dead from heart attacks and strokes as they dance themselves to death
- ? ? ?
- Get the loot and scoot you sick fuck.
Note: This only is known to work if the victims belong to a crazy Christfag cult.
BBQ[edit]
- Drug family
- Tie them up.
- Put them in a vehicle.
- Chain doors shut
- Apply gasoline to vehicle.
- Wait for them to wake up.
- Set car on Fire
- Videotape and livestream it.
- Go to the masturbasement later on so you can jack off to your masterpiece.
Note: If you have a cute sister, step 3 should be your videotaping her rape which is followed by step 4, you're uploading it to youtube to show everyone how hardcore and metal you are. Remember to dedicate your video to someone like Ozzy Osbourne for max media awareness.
Dubai Style[edit]
- Crush sleeping pills. Real ones like Ambien or temazopam. You may substitute ketamine or actual flunitrazepam.
- Process chunks into powder.
- Begin preparing dinner, heat up to 43C max in oil pan, add tomato sauce. Mix.
- Serve food.
- Act like nothing is happening while avoiding eating.
- Listen to your son saying "This is the best dinner with my parents that I love."
- Say in your mind "Everything is for Freemasonry."
- Your son falls asleep suddenly slamming his head to the table - Just like how it happened to his older sister ~18 years ago.
- Ask butlers to take him to his room as he's tired.
- Bribe coroner telling him "I am Dubai Sheikh, wanna die? Write down it was from a heart attack" and dumping bag containing an ounce of coke on his desk.
- Fill Application Form of Personal Army request so you could spread fake news of cocaine overdose.
- Write poetry on how saddened you are about your son's death to make things look fine.
- One less supporter of Anonymous is dead.
- CongratuFuckingLations you are officially known as The Murderer.
Japanese Style[edit]
- Get appointed Prime Minister or some other high ranking government position.
- Spectacularly fuck up
- Kill a family with a shotgun.
- Write apology to Japanese people
- Take a knife, cut open your stomach and pull out your innards.
- ? ? ?
- You're dead but at least your family isn't dishonored.
Sleepy Time[edit]
- Wait until family falls asleep
- Get your knife
- Stab them
- ????
- Cut yourself
Lawn Work[edit]
- Knock Family out
- Tie them up
- put them on front yard
- Turn on lawnmower
- run heads over
- ?????
Hanging out[edit]
- Find a sturdy tree and tie several nooses around it
- tie up family
- hang them from tree nooses(just like christmas)
- snuff it
House Painting[edit]
- Reveal father of the family that he's next
- Knock him out
- family wakes up all tied up
- murder family with axe
- paint wall with their blood
- ???
Hate-Based[edit]
Murder against particular ethnic groups has existed since the beginning of time. The largest hate-based mass-murder to date is the Holocaust, however Hitler did it for the lulz and has no pix so it doesn't count, and no, Holocaust Porn is merely anecdotal. The largest occurrence of hate-based murder not fueled by lulz was the 9/11 attacks carried out by the Jews. The Armenian Genocide is another great example of mass-hate-murder.
Killing lots of people need not be the only type of hate-crime, however. Sometimes a few, well-placed killings will be enough to make members of the target group fear for their lives and thus no longer bother you. However, the murderer must be sure to make the killing obvious, as people will not get his message if such murders are hidden. Ways of accomplishing this include:
PROTIP: Leave the body (or bodies) for others to find, as this generates maximum lulz.
Famous Murderers[edit]
Individuals[edit]
- Andrew Kehoe- Killed 38 kids and 6 adults and went out with a bang in 1927, beating Adam Lanza's score streak 64 years before that kid was born. [1]
- Dylann Roof
- Alek Minassian
- Leo Held
- Stephen Paddock
- Nikolas Cruz
- Asa Coon
- Al-Qaeda
- Adam Lanza
- Anders Behring Breivik
- Anton Lundin Pettersson
- Armin Meiwes (Note: There is some concern as to whether or not Meiwes can be classified as a "murderer", seeing as the man he killed and ate voluntarily allowed Meiwes to perform the act on him.)
- Casey Anthony
- Charles Manson
- Chris Harper Mercer
- Chris Benoit
- Cho Seung Hui
- Dexter Morgan
- Dylan Klebold
- Dzhokar Tsarnaev
- Elliot Rodger
- Eric Harris
- Gerry McCann
- God
- Hitler
- Jack the Ripper
- James Holmes
- Jeff Weise
- John Russel Houser
- Kevin
- Kimveer Gill
- Livecorpse
- Marc Lepine
- Mark Essex
- Mary Bell - She did it for the LULZ then Received a new name under English law
- Mitchell Henderson-Killed himself.
- Noah Jacob Harpham
- Omar Mateen
- Randy Robert Stair
- Seung-Hui Cho
- Ted Bundy
- Tamerlan Tsarnaev
- Tyler Peterson
- Timothy McVeigh
- Tim Kretschmer
- William Atchison
- Zezima
- Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski - Contract killer in Jew York and New Jersey, racking up a high score of 250
- Henry Lee Lucas - The real guy that inspired the movie Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. Also the only person George Bush ever gave a death row pardon to.
- John Wayne Gacy, aka "The Killer Clown" - Added extra lulz to his kills (mostly shota) by dressing up as a clown, having his victims handcuff themselves, then strangling them and hiding them in his crawlspace.
- Jeffrey Dahmer - Batshit insane sick fuck who brought men home, raeped them, zombified them, and raeped them again. Also notable for convincing Milwaukee police that the half-naked boy that ran out of his apartment drugged all to shit and bleeding from his ass was his boyfriend and not his prisoner.
- Keith Luke - a neo-nazi, IRL troll, and Podblanc user, who offed two niggers. It all started on January 21st 2009 (coincidentally a day after Obama's inauguration as the first negro president) whenever he went to his neighbor's house to give them a special greeting - with a hammer, two pairs of handcuffs, a mouth gag, and a blindfold. Once they opened the door, he raped the unnamed sister at gunpoint, after gagging her, and handcuffing her. Eventually sometime later her sister, Selma Goncalves opened the door on him, and once she saw him raping her sister, like any good person, she tried to run away. But not for too long, because he shot her in the back twice as she tried to flee. He then turned around, and shot the sister in the chest six times, while she was clutching onto her yellow teddy bear. Out of ammunition, he then leaves the house, going back to his black van to reload his gun. He then spots a monkey collecting cans in a shopping cart. He then approaches said nigger, and shoots him in the face point blank, as he tried to protect himself by holding his hands up, and putting them to his face. But unfortunately there were two cop cars not too far away that overlooked him doing that. Afterwards, he got back in his truck, and almost immediately the sirens went off, and the next thing he knew he was on a chase. During the chase, Luke shot at one of the officers, going through the windshield, and hitting the corner of the drivers seat, missing him by inches as he leaned forward. The police then returned fire, causing him to crash into two cars. After crashing, he stepped out of his vehicle, and ran for his life, only to be reprimanded, and then thrown into the Party Van. Later, in a case of Troll's remorse, he apologized for shooting at the cops, however he refused to apologize to the other people he shot at. It is also said that he planned on shooting up a jewish synagogue later on that night, and then becoming an hero.
- Javed Iqbal Mughal - Apeshit dothead curry nigger who killed atleast 100 little boys ages ranging from 6-16.
- Alicia Abraham and Johnny Campbell - Well known for killing a 4 year old little nigga Lattie McGee and torturing another future criminal Cornelius Abraham and also known for being on an episode of the Steve Wilkos show, where Alicia was being relentlessly harassed for something that she had done decades ago, and she couldn't have gone back in time and stopped it from happening, for that is virtually impossible, unless you MacGuyver it, in which case, anything is possible. The reasonn they said they did it, was to toughen them up, because their voice made them sound effeminate. But, we all know why they did it
- Glenn Beck
- Miley Cyrus
Groups[edit]
- Anonymous
- 99.284% of Arabs
- Commies
- American troops
- Furries
- Jews
- Jeffree Star
- Republicans
- Minorities
- Israeli troops
- Police officers (see police brutality)
- Scientologists
- Feminists (see Abortion)
Entities[edit]
Victims of Murder[edit]
- Niggers
- Wiggers
- You (future)
- Jews
- Suburban Colorado students
- Americunt six-year-olds who never lived to see Christmas
- V-tech students
- All the bogans at Port Arthur
- The World Trade Center
- Tupac
- Biggie Smalls
- James Foley - captured and beheaded by sandniggers.
- John Lennon
- Abraham Lincoln
- John F. Kennedy
- Jeffrey Dahmer - rip :'(
- Jordani pilots
- The people responsible for these statistics
- Dubai Ruler's father, wife, two-sons & daughter by OD of drugs injected or planted in their food by Mohammed Bin Rashid.
- wimminz - a popular choice for raepist too.
- Paris, France.
Those scene kid fucktards.
People who deserve to be murdered[edit]
- You
- Republicans
- Democrats
- Libertarians
- Fascists
- Communists
- ALL Jews, Niggers, Spics, etc.
- Chris-chan
- You
- Boner-nosed bastards
- Furries
- Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto
- Blazesonic
- Leeches of Society
- Wyatt Mann
- Women
- Your mom
- Emos
- Goth kids
- Forum Moderators
- Everyone who posts on b/, pol/, x/, etc.. Pretty much everyone on 4chan and 8chan.
- 13 year old boys
- 16 year old girls
- Fashion Designers
- Christfags, Mudslimes, Jews, Mormons, etc.
- Atheists
- You
- Canadians
- Furries
- Bronies
- Teen Werewolves
- Rootbrian
- Sandy Hook survivors - all two of them.
- Anyone who listens to Justin Bieber
- Justin Bieber
- New Yorkers.
- ALL Baby Boomers
- Richard Dawkins
- Pedophiles, such as Geoffrey Leonard.
- Chris Hansen
- All Millenials (excluding EDiots)
- Generation Z
- Feminists - Hire Marc Lepine for this!
- Everybody who lives in New Mexico
- Social Justice Warriors
- Pretty much every leftist after the year 2008.
- Barack Obama
- Cocksuckers
- Palestinians
- Gypsies
- W & Jeb Bush
- Al Gore
- Fat people
- Poo Stabbers
- Seth MacFarlane
- A majority of residents of Texas, and The South in general.
- Teenagers
- Hipsters
- FBI Agents.
- The Elite / Jewish Financial Elite
- Russians
- Steam moderators / Valve employees.
- everyone in HR
- Your Boss
- The Office Slut
- San Francisco locals
- Everyone who works in your office
- Every single LGBT person. Faggot, Lesbian, Transgender or whatever else.
- Everyone who has a Tumblr account.
- Anyone who supports Gun Control.
- California residents; especially the ones who keep driving up real estate in Colorado.
- Detroit residents.
- That stupid fucker at McDonalds who got your order wrong.
- Your neighbor's dog who won't stop fucking BARKING!!!!!1
- Your neighbors.
- Cultural Marxists.
- Pretty much all Americunts.
- Europeans - however, the European Refugee Crisis will finish these fruitcakes off.
- Rapefugees
- Swedish people
- YouTube commenters.
- You - have we made our point yet? Let's play hide and go fuck yourself.
- The list goes on...
See Also[edit]
- Ero Guro Gallery
- August Underground's Mordum Sick movie with oh-so-much murder
- Mass Murder
- Mass Shooting
- Serial Killers
- Matthew Nicholson
- Crime
- Curtis Allgier
- Death
- Disorder
- Guro
- Mikese Morse
- Necrophilia
- Shock sites
| Featured article September 23 & 24, 2018 | ||
| Preceded by Mitchell Henderson |
Murder | Succeeded by Neil Gaiman's Sandman |
