Jim Traficant

	“	I think it's time to tell the FBI and the IRS that this is our country and we're tired—tired of the pressure, tired of the political targeting, tired of a powerful central government that is crippling America,	„
	—Jim Traficant

James Anthony Traficant Jr.,8 May 1941 - 27 September 2014, better known as Jim to his friends, G-D by inmates that wanted a friendly cell-mate and didn't want to be nicknamed Teacup in the shower room of the Mahoning County Jail. Others have called him a man among men, a boss of bosses and certain crowds would even describe him as, "That guy who can help with getting your problem fixed for a little something something," because the Feds had nicknamed him Rico, after the Federal law that deals with organized crime and racketeering.

Jim Traficant is perhaps, the last great native son from what now can only be described as the mediocre, rotting from within, former Great State of Ohio. Only able to produce such prosaic figures the likes of Drew Carey, Ed O'Neil and Katie Holmes, Jim Traficant has been elevated to the stuff of legends and has become a part of Ohio's collective unconscious, because as most students, from the state, can't name a President from Ohio, let alone the current one, they all know who Jim Traficant is, usually answering with, "That Lulzy ass motherfucker that mooned Janet Reno during a congressional hearing."

Early Life[edit]

	“	I predict jobs and investment going to Mexico like Olympic sprinters and in return we’ll get a used Ford pickup truck, two tons of heroin and three baseball players to be named later	„
	—Jim Traficant, astute prognosticator.

You wanna talk corruption? Meat max said it'd make me this big.

Jim Traficunt grew up at the tail end of a growing enlightenment period in the modern age of Youngstown, Ohio history that is best known by the names given to it by historical experts such as Murdertown USA, Little Chicago and "If you're a Dago guinea wop greaseball goomba, you'll pay that Polack kid Ten Dollars to start your car if you're smart."

Being of Italian descent and born in a city where the average life span of anyone with a penis is 45 if they had no other options then to follow their family's blue collar traditions and pride that would take them down a road where they became slowly riddled with tumors until one day, they decide that the smart thing for them to do is to get drunk and work up enough courage to stand on the guard rail of a bridge crossing a river and give themselves a shotgun dental exam. Hopefully, if they did it right, they'll fall into the river, float far enough downstream so the gun is lost and when their body is found, it looks more like a murder instead of a suicide earning their family a double pay-out on their life insurance.

Facing few options, Jim Traficant realized what many kids in his same predicament do and that the only way for someone from his upbringing and societal value to make money is by either being a cop or by getting involved in organized crime. Looking to hedge his bets, Jim decided on both.

It was during his tenure as Sheriff of Mahoning County Ohio that Traficant drew the ire and became an enemy of the ^✡Jewish^✡ bankers when he became a National Hero by refusing to execute foreclosure orders on unemployed homeowners. He hoped to buy them enough time to find new work so they can keep their houses rather than see them loose everything. Fearing that they might have another messianic hero on their hands who could become an example and inspire other Sheriffs and law officers with his noble gesture of refusing to uphold their sworn duties for no other reason then because they think it's the right thing to do, The Jews, feeling the need to make an example of someone and scare their soldiers back into submission had Traficant charged with racketeering and accepting bribes in 1983.

Traficant became a cult hero, overnight, when he represented himself and was acquitted of all charges when he claimed that he accepted the bribes only as part of his own alleged secret undercover investigation into corruption, becoming the only person in Americunt history to win a Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO) case while representing himself.

Elated with the loyalty of his new found acolytes that revered him for his victory against The US Justice Department's attempted crucifixion of a righteous man, Traficant decided to ride their exaltation straight to a place where men of his character are always the norm. In a "Beverly Hillbillies" style montage and Jim playing out a few of his favorite scenes from the original version of Walking Tall, he found that the faith of his apostles was enough to deliver him straight to D.C. when he was elected to the House Of Represenatives where he fathered the whole Blue Collar And Proud Of It scene that became popular in the 1980s as more and more American jobs were being sent to China.

Downfall[edit]

	“	From the womb to the tomb, Madam Speaker, the Internal Rectal Service is one big enema. Think about it: They tax our income, they tax our savings, they tax our sex, they tax our property-sales profits, they even tax our income when we die. Is it any wonder America is taxed off? We happen to be suffering from a disease called Taxes Mortis Americanus. Beam me up!	„
	—Jim Traficant

Some have suggested that Jim Traficant's downfall began when the Zionist Occupied Government of America became pissy when he took a huge shit in their Wheaties by defending the civil rights of Ohio Resident John Demjanjuk^卐 who was accused of being Ivan The Terrible and responsible for the deaths of over 28,000 Jews while acting as a guard at the the Sobibór extermination camp in Poland.

Traficant stated that since 1986, Demjanjuk had been tried, acquitted, taken to another country to be tried and found guilty to later have the decision overturned and then be kidnapped from his house in Cleveland, Ohio, in the middle of the night like a North Korean that said that Kim Jung-Un looks fat, to be tried again in a completely different country because world prosecutors claim that they have new evidence.

Traficant openly spoke out that Jewish-influenced world courts were acting more like agencies seeking vengeance rather than justice when, in the 1980s, he defended former NASA Scientist Arthur Rudolf whose accomplishments include assisting in the design of the Saturn V rocket when the American Government chose to denaturalize Arthur Rudolph based on the fact that he was a former Nazi.

Traficant loudly proclaimed, "Hell, if you were to walk in any NASA building at the height of the Saturn and Apollo missions and yell Sieg Heil, over half of them fucks would jump up, click their heels and give you a Nazi salute."

What many consider vendetta-motivated offense against him because of his supporting unpopular causes with Democrats such as limiting immigration and arresting and deporting illegal immigrants along with the passing of his bill to limit the unregulated powers of the IRS. In 2001 Trafficant was even mocked openly in Congress for suggesting that America's new friendliness with its former enemies, such as Russia, would one day have a President elected through the covert aid of these powers and we would live in an age where no one knows who really holds the power.

Traficant was charged in 2002 on Federal Corruption charges of using campaign funds for personal use. After a 2 month trial, Traficant was found guilty of 10 felony counts and sentenced to 7 years in federal prison.

Prison[edit]

	“	I don't believe that any IRS agent is an expert ... They are thieves that prey upon the American people,	„
	—Jim Traficant

Traficant refused to see anyone while he was in prison and in his words, "Just wanted to keep to himself and do his time as quietly as possible."

One event Trafficant does speak of happened in federal prison at the United States Penitentiary in Allenwood, Pennsylvania when he was put in solitary confinement for allegedly trying to incite a riot when he told a Correctional Officer, "No one can understand what the fuck you're saying, would you do us all a favor and take the dick out of your mouth and maybe it will help with all your mumbling."

Traficant has said that even though he did not resist and complied with all orders given to him, a SORT team was dispached who immediately pepper sprayed him, stripped him of his clothes, chained his ankles and wrists together so he had to walk hunched over while being led with a leather collar and leash around his neck. Traficant said that the humiliation continued as the Correctional Officers paraded him around for about an hour before finally taking him to solitary.

Traficant was released from Federal Prison 2 September 2009, and on 6 September 2009 a welcome home party was held for him which included Elvis and Star Trek impersonators, a Jim Traficant look alike contest and the worst hair piece awards.

Following his release from prison Traficant became more incorporated with conservative ideas and started a grassroots campaign, Project Freedom USA, whose goal was to divorce the United States Of America from the IRS and repeal the 16th Amendment.

Death[edit]

	“	I did it for the lulz	„
	—What we hope were Jim Traficant's last words

Spawning an overabundance of conspiracy theories including everything from Mossad assassins, being given a slow acting poison at a restaurant, being silenced by the CIA because he knew the truth about the Kennedy assassination and knew where Tesla hid the plans for his world threatening death ray, Jim Traficant died on 27 September 2014 when he was operating a tractor on his farm and it flupped over and trapped him underneath.

Despite reports that Traficant's accident happened because he had a heart attack, seizure, was drunk or on drugs a forensic pathologist who conducted the post mortem examination reported that Traficant did not have a heart attack, seizure or was under the influence of drugs at the time of his accident and per secret government instructions, attributed Traficant's death to positional asphyxiation, stating that he had been unable to breathe because of the weight of the tractor, under which he had been trapped after the accident.

Many fans of his jokingly agree with the conspiracy theories saying, "If G-D loved Jim half as much as we did, HE would have had him go out in a more Lulzy way. Maybe have him light a cigar in a barn full of cows that are farting because someone fed them beans the night before."