Fantard
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Fantards are obsessive fans who worship others' creative works because they have no talent, or lives of their own. While "fans" of these works are often enthusiastic about their preferred movies, books, or TV shows, fantards are distinguished by their inability to distinguish fiction from reality, and their devotion to serious business, and the retarded iPhone.
Often, fantards are obsessed with a specific character from their selected fandom, regarding him/her as a sex god to the point of near-insanity. Some are dedicated to a certain OTP, or "one true pairing," and will defend this pairing despite all evidence to the contrary. Most slashfic and fanfic authors are fantards who can't live without poorly-written pr0n of their two favorite characters boinking.
Persons suffering from an advanced state of fantardedness will become Suethors, writing about self-insert fantasy characters having sex with their favorite canon characters. After reaching a certain level of obsession, a fangirl becomes a completist. Other symptoms of fatal fantardism are engagement in cosplay and roleplaying.
Fantards are extremely susceptible to becoming furries or otherkin.
The gender-specific terms for fantards are fanboy (or, even more obnoxiously, fanboi) and fangirl. These are not age-specific, since some fantards well into their 40s and 50s still cosplay teenage superhero characters. Can you imagine an 80-year-old woman who dresses up like Xena: Warrior Princess? Probably. But you don't want to -- it's hideous. Her skin is more leathery than the costume.
The average lifespan of a fantard on ED is ~ 8 minutes.
Contents
Trolling a Fantard[edit]
Most fantards are first in line for any new installment of their favorite fandom, but if there's any possible way you can beat them to the punch, the lulz quotient is nearly infinite. Fantards hate spoilers like an Alabama republican hates niggers, so dropping bombs like Snape kills Dumbledore, Aeris dies, Jack Sparrow dies and Molly Weasley kills Bellatrix will guarantee page after page of shrieking, sexually-repressed rage.
An easier, more subtle way of trolling fantards is to enter a fan community and post something mildly dismissive or critical. It doesn't help to go overboard, as every fandom has one or two halfway-clever people who can recognize an obvious troll; in these cases, it's better to come up with something totally mundane, like "I think J.K. Rowling is having trouble wrapping up her plotlines in a reasonable amount of time," or "I thought the third Pirates movie was overly complicated for the sake of unnecessary plot twists." The fantards will descend upon you like flies on shit, appalled that anyone would dare criticize their beloved fandom, and you'll have the bonus pleasure of starting fights between the fans, as some of them will agree with you.
Stages of Fantardism[edit]
n00b fantard[edit]
Fantards under the age of 14 are generally relegated to writing brief histrionic reviews of fanfiction. Once having reached that tender age, they may begin posting their own fanfiction on the internets. It should be noted that few fantards at this stage read, write, or draw pr0n, finding such things disgusting (except for a few creepy early bloomers).
Teenage Fantard[edit]
At the age of fifteen or sixteen, fantards begin to take an interest in slash, furries, and goths. Fangirls of this age are singlehandedly responsible for 70% of all Mary Sue fanfiction. Typical works include songfics about Naruto and Sasuke discovering their passionate love for one another and sprouting tails. It should be noted that songfics are written only because most 16 year old girls lack the ability to make AMVs. Fanboys, by contrast, are exercising their newly-discovered skills of an artist in an attempt to draw breasts that resemble nothing found in nature, or even in porn.
Jaded Fangirl[edit]
Around the age of 18 or 19, fantards begin to realize the sheer pointlessness of it all. At this stage they begin to write deep, soulsearching fanfiction and post on fan message boards about how 1337 they are, and how they aren't as stupid as when they were fourteen (they are actually just as stupid but hide it behind seniority and big words like "poignant"). Most fanfiction produced at this stage is in the form of drabbles, fanfics which are less than a hundred words long because at this age even fantards are forced by their cruel parents to hold down jobs (except Meele, who is a not-for-profit stalker).
Middle-Aged Fantard[edit]
Beginning around age 25, these fantards stay up all night arguing with people on the internet. Since most have their own jobs and shitty apartments by now, they are able to spend every penny of their disposable income on figurines, sourcebooks, DVDs, and manga. Though they strenuously claim to be living their lives just as they always wanted to, their shame is obvious in the number of middle-aged fantards who pretend to be fourteen, though some do admit to their actual IRL age online. They will try to convince you that they are intellectual; do not be fooled. Their minds and attitudes are still those of children: petulant, self-centered and forever convinced that they are always right. Basically, they are 16-year-old girls with a university degree and somehow even more ego.
Middle-Aged Fantards: A Few Subspecies
Internet citizens have noticed that there are a few different types of this fantard clogging up the massive septic tank of the interbutts. Some are fanboys obsessed with spouting minute details about inconsequential shit that happened in some long-forgotten issue of Green Lantern and subsist on greasy food alone. Then there are the fanboys that are creepily fixated on a fictional character, always sexually. The two main varieties of fangirls are as follows: under-the-radar basement-dwellers and attention-whoring basement-dwellers. The former is somewhat more tolerable, but the latter is Chinese torture--avoid at all costs. The attention-seeking, middle-aged yaoi fangirl is likely one of the vilest subsets of humanity and should thus be trolled into oblivion for its sick-fuckery, cunt stunts, and overall repugnant behavior.
Fanboys vs. Fangirls[edit]
Though obsessive behavior characterizes all fantards, there is a clear difference between fanboys and fangirls, as proven by totally scientific observation.
- Fangirls are more likely to write fanfiction with self-insert characters.
- While both draw pornographic art, both are just as likely to mess up anatomy, but in different ways. Boys will draw tits not even that three-boobed chick from Total Recall would recognize, and girls will, more often than not, give a male a penis that looks like a carrot or a penis that is upside-down.
- Fangirls are more likely to rip off anime/manga styles.
- Fangirls get off from writing slashfic involving canon characters, while fanboys are usually content to find pr0n and masturbate to it while reading manga and eating RAMEN.
- Fanboys tend to bring weird-ass fetishes, like inflation or diapers, into a perfectly normal fandom.
- Fangirls construct elaborate fictions about their own lives, whether it's meeting actors/writers or needing thousands of dollars for a life-saving operation.
- Fanboys can be found in realms not traditionally thought of as "fandoms;" examples include Linux partisans and Apple fanatics.
- Fangirls reportedly smell like old meat and cat pee, while fanboys simply smell like wet burlap and Jergens hand lotion.
- Fanboys try to talk to teh Fangirls about their selected fandom in order to try to get Fanpussy.
- Fangirls supports teh rites of teh gayfag while fanboys are themselves closeted homosexuals. NO EXCEPTIONS!
Types of Fantard[edit]
Anime fantards[edit]
Anime fantards watch generic Harem Anime like Love Hina or shonen anime like Naruto or Inuyasha. They claim to "speak a bit of Japanese", more appropriately they know the meaning of "kawaii" and "baka" and use them inplace of their english counterparts while still carrying on an English conversation, much to the annoyance of everyone around them. Anime fantards also hate other forms of animation, claiming they are "uninteresting" and "rip-offs of anime." They also enjoy listening to shitty anime themes or some equally shitty Visual Kei band while choking down massive amounts of Pocky and Ramune to retain their status as an uber-1337 weeaboo.
Usually after this they make hundreds of Dragonball Z AMVs all cut to Dir en grey. They'll eventually go to college and join the ranks of Anonymous on 4chan's /b/, jerking to loli porn all day and if not that, they'll probably join the legions of furfags on Fchan.
The fangirls of this category tend to find male animu character attractive just because they have long effeminate hair (to compensate for the fact they don't have any around there p3n0rs) because clearly you don't have to pay attention to how anti-social or what a misogynistic asshole they are. However, the fact that most men in animu look like this proves they're all gay. Sorry fangirls, but they'll never be interested in any of you.
| — A disturbed but typical animu fancunt. | ||
Japanese RPG fantards are essentially the same breed, except they spend even moar time in their basements because they're trying to beat some unreleased, fan-translated Squaresoft game on their emulators and using save state editors like cheap faggots.
Comic book fantard[edit]
Comic fantards come in two shapes and equally distinguishable sizes. There are either the manga fantards who insist on reading their comic books backwards and whine about the translation, and American comic fantards who obsess over the latest Spider-Man release or Graphic Novel.
American fantards obsess over the Watchmen and Scott Pilgrim, while constantly increasing their contribution to the Marvel universe through investments in stacks of cartoons. They will often create batshit alternate storylines and baw when they are unable to purchase the next issue because they spent too much time sitting on their ass editting ED instead of getting a job.
Console and OS fantards[edit]
The most vicious people in all the internets, console fanboys (or console fandamentalists) are all convinced that entertainment systems rule the world and anyone who plays a system different to theirs is "evil." In their mind, Microsoft is Nazism, Sony is capitalism, Nintendo is communism, and SEGA is Ann Coulter. Master Chief is Jesus, except when you mention that fratboys play Halo.
Linux and Macintosh fantards share the belief that Microsoft is Satan, but they have an aura of Holy Jihand because they think that regular computer use is far, far more important than gaming. They're also incapable of explaining why the average user should switch to a completely new system because of some perceived "benefit" that consists of nerd-cred.
Constantly in a state of flustered, impotent nerd rage, they're usually fat, acne-ridden and have an IQ of five or so. The only way of getting a techie fantard out of this state is by intense psychological therapy which may have some side effects, like being an emo fag. There are no female console or OS fantards, as the very sight of a console fanboy is enough to make any woman, no matter how stupid, run screaming.
DMC4 Petition[edit]
Some time ago, it was announced that Devil May Cry 4 would no longer be a PS3 exclusive, being ported to the Xbox 360. Butthurt, the PS3 faggots decided to BAWWW at Capcom with a petition which will do absolutely nothing. Seriously.
You can show Capcom what you think about the petition by spamming the hell out of it, leaving your vandalism for all the idiotic to see. DO IT FAGGOT.
Furries[edit]
Once "fursecution" made the scene, furries became fantards in-practice in addition to sick fucks, making them the most easily trolled group to ever exist. God bless their little broken brains.
Many furries contend that they are only interested in children's cartoons, such as TaleSpin or Rescue Rangers, not porn. Being furries, they do not realize that this is even more disturbing.
Cliques[edit]
While these exist IRL, the advent of the Internets boom has let clique members congregate together and multiply. Most fantard breeding occurs on social networking sites such as MySpace, Vampirefreaks, Facebook, YouTube, DeviantART and Bebo. Most Internets clique members stay in their houses for years, taking pictures in the mirror and worshiping and defending bands like My Chemical Romance, System of a Down, Fall Out Boy, Gackt, Trivium and Mayhem, in typical fantard fashion. Others are devoted to lolcows like Tila Tequila or Jeffree Star (see Jeffree Moon).
Music Fantards[edit]
Although music fantards usually develop around boybands and shitty MTV rappers and pop gods artists performers, it can develop in any genre. Some genres which have developed many fantards include Juggalo, emo, nu metal, black metal, and goth.
Internet Celebrity Fantards[edit]
This is by far arguably the worse type of fantardism to have disgraced all of reality (both IRL and OL). These people apparently worship their usually talentless Youtube idols, who typically suffer from the most unimaginable Unwarranted Self-Importance, and these fanatical troglodytes will still typically defend their idols obsequiously in their hapless brainwashed state! Thankfully, for everyone, many of these supposed fantards are actually trolls and poes in disguise! These pseudo fantards better humanity by cleverly generating massive amounts of butthurt from the real zealous diehard fans and/or their "Master". May the lulz and drama always be with them! Hopefully the majority of these people are of the pseudo-fantard type otherwise the future humanity is bleak!
See Also[edit]
- The Classic Sonic Fags
- Realmrsoptimusprime
- Ace-Cutie
- Star Wars Kid
- Bbraefan1530
- Mandaswaggie
- Onyx the Number One Bolt Fan
- Meele
- Chikichakigirl
- Kaoru Yuuka
- Cdaae
- TheArchfiend
- Undertakerfreak1127
- Jonas Brothers
- MissKnowItAll
- bean
- VegetaWorshipper
- Allspark
- Pretty much every DeviantART user ever
- Waluigis-girl
- 345rv5
- Shaycarl
- Shaytards
- sonicrocksmysocks
- Girugamesh
- Branca
- Rose3212
- Emma Drama
- Laura Hale
- Darkfall
- Twilight
- Twitard
- The Unknown Autobot
- Sony-Mae
- Jessica Nigri
- Fanpop
- 2xSpeedStacksDaniel
-
ImperialHope - Minami-Kousaka
- SapphyDracases
- Sonbreezie
- The rEactor
External links[edit]
- darkjedilink [2] (typical Nintendrone)
- Gnik [3] (high level Nintedrone)
he11sing920 - He tears fantards to pieces while being a anti-fantard fantard
  [It was a dark and stormy night...]
Fantard is part of a series on FanFiction | |||||||||||||
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