Rubeus Eden
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Rubeus Eden (Ruben Koprivica) is the illegitimate bastard child of Uwe Boll and Quentin Tarantino. Combining the no-talent rip-off h4x of Tarantino with the video game-destroying batshit adult baby skillz of Uwe Boll, Rubeus Eden is the epitaph of perfectly perfect perfected perfection in this universe of imperfectly imperfect imperfected imperfection.
In actually, he's an uncreative 30-year-old German who wants to be Japanese. He lives in the Duisburg-Essen area of Germany, admits to having no girlfriend, and obviously lacks a life since he's able to keep making AIDS while going to every single German anime and video game conventions in shitty costumes which even Goodwill would not take. Until he finally becomes a full-fledged Japanese, he'll settle for hypocritical YouTube egomaniac god (what kind of person selects the Biblical location "Eden" as his "artist name"?) as he delivers Armageddon upon your childhood memories. When he's not busy masturbating to the positive comments he gets on his YouTube videos, he's raging at all the negative comments which kill his boner. But those are just his part-time day jobs. During time off, he whores himself out at every corner of the Internet, making accounts at every mainstream (and even the occasional substream) networking site to spread his AIDS. How he manages to do any of these things is a mystery, because with his head tucked firmly inside his ass, Rubeus Eden is incapable of seeing anything other than how his digestive tract works.
Trivia: Rubeus Eden is the proclaimed founder of Eden Films. To exemplify his lack of creativity, Eden Films is a professional film production company which is in no way connected to Rubeus Eden.
Rubeus Eden is intent on re-creating the entire universe in His image. He is responsible for a myriad of horrible crossover LARP fanfiction videos which rip off everything that is popular to wapanese. In his tireless efforts to make himself more Japanese, Rubeus Eden has resorted to marketing his "intellectual properties" in the way only Japanese know how: in addition to making multi-episode series which last for approximately twenty-six episodes (the common number of episodes for a season of animu), Rubeus Eden has merchandise (including pins and artbooks), spin-off series, radio dramas, and even guidebooks (useful if you get lost in the forests of pubic hair that comes from Rubeus Eden's vagina). Snack food lines and power drinks are currently in development, which will deliver additional doses of AIDS in Rubeus Eden's attempt to "enhance" the "stories" of his fanfictions.
Despite his efforts to become Japanese, Rubeus Eden has absolutely no fluency in the language (as demonstrated by the "REAL" after the Japanese subtitle "ファイナルファンタジー" to his Final Fan-tasy Real logo, instead of the Japanese "リール"), and no understanding of the culture or history beyond animu and PlayStation-era video games.
All of Rubeus Eden's videos possess the same four core elements: attrocious weeaboo fanfiction writing (usually involving crossovers), carried out by disinterested "actors" who couldn't convince Hitler to spare their Jew lives if they depended on it, wearing horrible rags that were found in the dumpsters behind Goodwill, all while smothered with amateur special effects that might have been good in the 1980s.
Rubeus Eden possesses two YouTube channel: TeamFFR and Edenfilmscrew. The naming of these two channels is rather ironic, as they indicate more than one person should have access to them (a "team" and a "crew"). However, Rubeus Eden is a complete dictator and would never let anyone else have the password to these accounts.
Contents
The TeamFFR Channel[edit]
One will find the TeamFFR YouTube channel dominated mostly by the channel's namesake: Final Fan-tasy Real. After the creation of his second channel, this channel was supposed to be strictly for the main Final Fan-tasy Real series. However, after realizing his Final Fanbase weren't subscribing to his alternate account, he slowly leaked some videos from that channel back onto this one in an attempt to gain more subscribers to the secondary.
Trivia: There is another "Team FFR" on YouTube, which hosts a number of videos relating to drag racing. Rubeus Eden loses another five points in the originality department.
Final Fan-tasy Real[edit]
Also known as "Final Fantasy Real," "FFR," or "Final Fucktards are Real." Rubeus Eden's claim to fame (and overly-inflated e-go) comes from making a 25-webisode series based on Final Fantasy. Final Fan-tasy Real was announced as early as 2002, and it finally came to an end on July 27, 2010, taking a total of eight years to complete. So as not to make himself look like such a slacker, Rubeus Eden has started telling people Final Fan-tasy Real was actually announced in 2004, not 2002; this way, it looks like it was only six years to complete.
Trivia: Despite having a website for Final Fan-tasy Real, all video links redirect to YouTube. Likely because Rubeus Eden cannot afford the bandwidth costs which he thinks he would incur if he hosted the videos on their own server. Of course, since nobody actually cares about the site, Rubeus Eden would never suffer such costs.
Rubeus Eden fails to understand the people who watch this are not his fans, but the built-in fanbase of Final Fantasy. This is especially evident when comparing the view counts between Final Fan-tasy Real (which have less than 9000 views) and Rubeus Eden's other "videos" (which have less than 900 views).
Even then, Final Fan-tasy Real attracts only the most hardcore FFantards who will lap up anything related to Final Fantasy. This is evidenced a view counts begin to taper off as the series progresses: from 64,000 views for the first episode, down to 28,000 views by the third episode, then finally just under 7,500 views on the twelth episode and never exceeding that number ever again. The final episode has been viewed less than 5,000 times. Spin-off sub-series of Final Fan-tasy Real receive even fewer views.
- These numbers do not account for assorted view-boosting YouTube exploits, such as non-unique IP addresses accessing the videos, the channel featured video glitch, the uploader replying to comments glitch, and the Ctrl+R glitch.
Trivia: It took exactly one year after the eleventh episode of Final Fan-tasy Real for the twelth episode to be uploaded. During this time, Rubeus Eden continued to tell viewers "Episode 11 will be up very soon!" Two theories are proposed for the sharp decline in views between Episodes 11 and 12.
Theory 1: Those who would watch Final Fan-tasy Real but weren't true subscribers grew tired of Rubeus Eden constantly promising the next episode coming soon, and so abandoned him. Because they weren't true subscribers, they weren't notified when Episode 12 was uploaded.
Theory 2: While waiting for Episode 12, those who hadn't abandoned Rubeus Eden decided to re-watch the previous episodes, so that way they would still know WTF what was happening when the series finally resumed. These viewers had to "refresh their memories" every month as Rubeus failed to deliver on his promise of the next episode coming very soon.
Vat ist der Final Fan-tasy Real?
In what he believes to be a clever pun, Rubeus Eden places a hyphen in "Fan-tasy" to indicate this series is actually a horrible crossover LARP fanfiction, centered around the PlayStation-era Final Fantasy games (because, as Rubeus Eden himself admits, he never played any Final Fantasy prior to VIII). Heroes and villains of the universes of Final Fantasy VII through X come together in what Rubeus Eden calls an "epic quest" of failure to obtain the four crystals to save their planets (which have become merged into one single planet). Except the four crystals never existed in three of those four games, and Rubeus Eden wouldn't even know anything about the four crystals' origins since he's never played the earlier games.
Rubeus Eden claims Final Fan-tasy Real is the biggest fan project on the Internet, even though he's not even on the Top 100 Most Subscribed in Germany, much less Top 100 Most Subscribed in the enitre world. But he still insists it's the biggest and most epic fan project on the Internet.
He also boasts a cast of hundreds of characters. Hundreds of characters do not equate to hundreds of actors, however, as the same ten Final Fantards LARP all 100 characters. Not all characters even come from the Final Fantasy multiverse, as Rubeus Eden has decided a crossover LARP fanfiction is far superior and includes characters from popular animu like Inu-Yasha and Dragon Ball Z (there are no power levels over 9000, but if there were, you can rest assured Rubeus Eden would brutally rape it just as he's brutally raped everything else). Still not satisfied with this clusterfuck of characters, Rubeus Eden also added twenty-six "original" characters to ShinRa's Turk department: Turks A through Z, which include Gay and Loser (srsly).
Unfortunately, the screen is so often cluttered with CGI effects, it's hard to see the horrible actors doing their LARPing in rags rejected by Goodwill.
How Final Fan-tasy Real Fucks Up The Final Fantasy Multiverse
Adding the four crystals to three games which never had them and adding crossover characters and twenty-six Turks just wasn't enough for Rubeus Eden. Unsatisfied, he decided to do what every other shitty fanfiction author does: he raped the canon.
Final Fan-tasy Real begins with Cloud and Tifa going to the Mako Reactor; Barret, Biggs, Jessie, Wedge, and Tifa's boobs are nowhere to be found. Cloud starts out with his Ultima Weapon sword, which really looks like a piece of cardboard with construction paper taped to the sides. After fighting Smoke from Mortal Kombat, Cloud decides to use his Omnislash Limit Break on the exterior of the reactor core. Seeing this isn't working, Cloud disappears into the Lifestream while Tifa cries with as much enthusiasm as a snail running the hundred-meter dash.
In the next scene, Reno and Rude are on the Narshe Mountains. Except the Narshe Mountains are from Final Fantasy VI, a game which is outside the multiverse covered by this attrocious fanfiction. But that's the least of problems, because—thanks to a special potion made by Professor Hojo—Rude is no longer a bald nigger, but instead a hairy cracker. After running away from a snowman like pussies, they encounter Shiva's daughter and get royally pwned. So Rubeus loads up a saved game (from who the hell knows when, unless Final Fan-tasy Real has some auto-save feature) and tries again. Rude pulls out a fucking strategy guide to figure out this bitch's weakness, and then we get to stare at Scarlet's boobs for five minutes in what Rubeus Eden calls an "important scene to the story." Sorry, we were all too busy staring at the boobs you kept shoving in our face; what was that about a story? Not that it matters, since it's standard fanfiction crap.
Change to World X. After staring at Rikku's butt for ten minutes because it's an "important scene to the story," Yuna and Rikku get zapped away into the Matrix by the Turks. Then Lulu and Auron appear, and it's revealed that Auron stole Tifa's boobs and attached them to himself. This is followed by a flashback, which—rather than explain why Auron would steal Tifa's boobs for himself—instead shows Reno and Rude played by completely different actors. Though still a cracker, flashback Rude is at least bald and looks better, but Reno looks like he has a red tree sticking out of his head (SPOILER: Flashback Reno is really Harold).
After the flashback, the characters of Final Fan-tasy Real battle through horrible CGI monsters while Reno plays a piano. Eventually, the series goes to World VIII, where Squall has become fat due to the peaceful time after fighting Ultimecia. And Seifer is still hanging around Balamb Garden, and has become bald. After maing Squall beat up a giant Cactaur using his Lionheart Gunblade that shoots bullets despite the lack of a barrel, Headmaster Cid sends fat ass Squall and chrome dome Seifer off to go investigate Ultimecia (wait, isn't she dead and times are peaceful now?), while Irvine goes to smoke some pot at Windel (SRSLY!).
Squall and Seipher get separated. Squall begins to starve, and is forced to downgrade his ultimate weapon to sell the parts to get food, but he still doesn't have enough to buy the delicious cake he desires. Either that, or Rubeus Eden decided to switch actors (and props) again. While traveling solo, Squall meets up with Cloud. The last time Cloud was seen, trying to show that Mako reactor who's boss, he had his Ultima Weapon and was wearing his SOLDIER outfit. But now, Cloud has his Buster Sword and wears his Advent Children threads. Oh, and Cloud's face is different, too; another side-effect of switching actors and props.
In a horribly-choreographed and shitastically-edited fight scene which only the hardcore Final Fantards gobble up as "awesome," Cloud and Squall decide to battle with their penises, and Squall splooges all over Cloud. This is when Final Fan-tasy Real becomes "[Squall and Cloud's Bogus Journey]," resulting in the two new BFFs setting out battle hordes of horrible CGI monsters on their on their epic quest to find Sephiroth and unfuck the mess Rubeus Eden caused.
Trivia: RPG Parodies usually contain HUDs or damage counters in their battle scenes. Despite all of its epicness, Final Fan-tasy Real lacks all of these things. The only way people even know it's a battle scene is by the characters taking turns moving from one side of the screen to the other.
Also, Tifa is now a man and Auron is a woman.
Reactions to Final Fan-tasy Real[edit]
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Saying bad things about Final Fan-tasy Real will result in Rubeus Eden slapping you with his pingas! |
Responses to Final Fan-tasy Real come in only two flavors: Ass-Kissing Chocolate Mint flavor, and Ass-Kicking Strawberry Explosion flavor. There is no plain ol' vanilla flavor. Rubeus Eden loves the Chocolate Mint flavor, as he uses them for masturbation material. Giving Rubeus Eden the Chocolate Mint flavor will earn you a pat on the head and place in his ass for you to rest your tired nose (so long as you don't give him Strawberry Burst later).
Listed below are a number of the Strawberry Explosion responses to Final Fan-tasy Real which will kill Rubeus Eden's boner and induce rage.
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These reactions are actually quite universal for all things Rubeus Eden does. However, because he's so busy whoring himself out on the Final Fantasy cock, these reactions are usually found only on Final Fan-tasy Real.
Rubeus Eden's Copypasta Against Srawberry Explosion
In order for Rubeus Eden to consider anything to be "constructive," there must be a trace of Chocolate Mint in the Strawberry Explosion. Such as, "This is an awesome, except..." "zomfg this vid rocks, however..." "final fantasy is the greatest, but..." As long as you include these samples of Chocolate Mint at the start of your post, Rubeus Eden will forgive you. This is because he will be too busy savoring the Chocolate Mint, that he completely ignores the rest of the post which consists of Strawberry Explosion.
However, if a post fails to start with Chocolate Mint, Rubeus Eden will completely ignore the post (even if it has Chocolate Mint in the middle or at the bottom) and immediately dial whine-one-one while he reaches into the depths his anus (while making sure not to poke his eyes, as his head is also in his anus) to dig out some Reese's Peanut Butter Cup flavored copypasta to throw at critics. Listed below are the various copypasta which Rubeus Eden likes to use to defend himself.
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News Flash: This just in. Apparently, Final Fan-tasy Real is supposed to be some sort of porno.
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Battle Royale: Exit Wars[edit]
Another one of the pre-dominant mini-series on the TeamFFR channel is this remake of Kinji Fukasaku’s “Battle Royale"; Rubeus Eden continues to prove his lack of creativity by including the name of the original movie in the title of his mini-series. And to add insult to injury, the initial scenes of this mini-series are taken directly from the Japanese movie, including a selection of students from school and even the video girl who explains the "Battle Royale" and exploding collars.
Just like Final Fan-tasy Real, Rubeus Eden shows he is incapable of making a coherent story that doesn't reek of poorly-written fanfiction. Serious plotholes abound, nothing in this mini-series makes any sense. The characters find weapons in strange places (Rubeus himself finds dual guns in a vending machine, while another character fishes nunchucks out of a toilet), and fight each other to "Game Over" so that two may eventually make it out alive. Instead, nobody makes it out alive, all ending with "Game Over." Rubeus also shows he can't stop doing stupid crossovers, as one character transforms into Vash and uses Alucard's guns, while two other characters perform a Fusion Dance to stop Nemesis. The mini-series ends with Rubeus Eden killing off all the characters, but the most stupid of these occurs when one character suddenly pulls out a bomb detonation trigger (which really looks like a camera battery) and causes a train to explode. And instead of moving away from the bomb's blast, he just takes it full in the chest like the Jesus, complete with crucifix pose. Also, this is a plothole (one of many in this mini-series) as this character was never near any bombs or trains.
The seven characters are named after the Seven Deadly Sins, in the "International Version" (since Rubeus Eden likes to rip off Square-Enix so much, he even labels things "International Version" ala Final Fantasy and Star Ocean). Additionally, when given the names of the Seven Sins in this "International Version," these characters are also given secondary names (I.E. "Lust: The Macho"). But because Rubeus Eden simply pulls shit out of his ass at the last minute, none of these things make any sense. The German dialogue does not match the subtitles, and characters' personalities do not at all reflect either their sin name nor their secondary name (with the . There are only two exceptions:
1) Rubeus Eden's Sin name, "Wrath," is perfect for him; but that's the complete opposite of his nonsensical secondary name, "The Geek."
2) The "Envy" character's Sin name makes no sense for that character; but the secondary name, "The Loner," describes the character adequately.
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In addition to Rubeus Eden's trademark "cover up the shitty acting with shitty CGI so nobody will notice" technique, Rubeus Eden also utilized sound effects from SNK Playmore's King of Fighters series. The catch? In the credits, Rubeus Eden claims all sound effects were created by him, as if he's a sound engineer.
Trivia: Episode 4 removed by WMG
Trivia: While the other six characters' German names do not translate into English as the six sins, the name of Rubeus Eden's character translates literally as "Mr. Full of Hate." How befitting for his character.
Other TeamFFR Videos[edit]
There is nothing else of note on Rubeus Eden's TeamFFR channel. His earliest videos are of skimpily-dressed whores at anime conventions, which were filmed by a caffine-addict who can't hold the camera still for more than half a second before motion-blurring to the next cut; be sure to fasten your seatbelt and have a barf bag in hand. These videos are a great example of Rubeus Eden's inability to multi-task, as when the camera isn't spinning around, it shakes violently due to Rubeus Eden's masturbation. These videos are named "Cosplay Girlz"; note the "z" instead of the "s" as Rubeus Eden tried to be "kool." A number of these videos are flagged as inappropriate, which enduces as much Rubeus Eden rage as the Strawberry Explosion on Final Fan-tasy Real. The Cosplay Girlz 2 also suffered a massive one-star rape, which made Rubeus Eden disable ratings and comments on that video.
Trivia: To this day, this is the one Cosplay Girlz video which Rubeus Eden still does not allow comments on, even though he allows comments on all other Cosplay Girlz videos.
During the "Final Fan-tasy Real Episode 12 will be up soon!" year, Rubeus Eden elected to upload other assorted fanfiction trash in place of Final Fan-tasy Real. Such garbage includes a Resident Evil fanfiction entitled "Paranoia Story," which, as the title indicates, is a case study of Rubeus Eden's paranoia. More on this in a bit. Paranoia Story also features a Scooby-Doo hallway-and-doors chase scene, which people laugh at not because it's funny, but because it's too fucking stupid.
During the same one-year gap, Rubeus Eden uploaded a number of videos related to Final Fan-tasy Real, none of which were the Holy Grail that is Episode 12. Each video had the same "Episode 12 will be up very soon" crap in the video description. One was a music video in which characters who don't even appear in the main Final Fan-tasy Real series lip-sync to "Otherworld," another listed all twenty-six new ShinRa Turks, and another featured Reno and Rude on Costa del Sol checking out chicks in bikinis while annotations explained Rubeus Eden was still being a lazy fuck with Episode 12 (this one was later removed by YouTube due to inappropriate content).
The TeamFFR channel also hosts a poorly made Matrix crossover fanfiction, featuring Rubeus Eden as Neo with blue hair and pointed ears. This is another video filled with ugly cosplayers pretending to be actors while smother with CGI shit.
And lastly, there is a preview of the main video series featured on Rubeus Eden's Edenfilmscrew channel.
The Edenfilmscrew Channel[edit]
When this channel was created, Rubeus Eden said he would upload only the main Final Fan-tasy Real series to TeamFFR, and everything else would go to this channel. However, because the Final Fantards did not follow over to this channel, Rubeus Eden began uploading non-Final Fan-tasy Real videos to TeamFFR and beg people to subscribe to this channel.
Otaku Generation (Zapping Attack)[edit]
Trivia: After uploading the "teaser trailer" for Otaku Generation, the first video to appear in the related videos playlist was another project already entitled "Otaku Generation." In an attempt to cover up his uncreative ass, Rubeus Eden started adding "[[Zapping Attack" to the title of this horrible series.
Trivia: Rubeus Eden told fans of Final Fan-tasy Real that Otaku Generation would not slow down Final Fan-tasy Real. Rubeus still has yet to explain the one-year gap between Final Fan-tasy Real episodes 11 and 12.
The preview for Otaku Generation was featured on the TeamFFR channel. Not only does Rubeus Eden continue the same poorly-written crossover fanfiction crap on this channel, he does it as absurb humor in the same veins as Azumanga Daioh, Cromartie High School, Galaxy Angel, School Rumble, and any other number of non-sequitor animu. That's how he wants people to see this [[vomit|pile of bile], anyway, but it's actually more like Cartoon Network LARP. Emulating some kind of channel surfing, each episode of Otaku Generation is divided into segments of random skits which carry no substantial storyline value, as Rubeus Eden tries to prove his love for Japan by parodying all animu, video games, and memes.
Which is no different than the random shit he calls "the biggest fan project in the world."
Trivia: After Otaku Generation made its run, Rubeus Eden decided to re-upload the individual segments of each episode by themselves, because he thinks it's clever to shove the same regurgitated shit in people's faces. See also Final Fan-tasy Contra Real: Pandora's Book.
Final Fan-tasy Contra Real: Pandora's Book[edit]
What started out as a behind-the-scenes series to Final Fan-tasy Real slowly became remakes of the main episodes with "deleted scenes," because adding sprinkles on top of shit will totally transform it into ice cream. The first episode was uploaded to the TeamFFR channel with the description begging people to subscribe to the Edenfilmscrew channel to see more episodes. After seeing this wasn't working, he uploaded the third video to the TeamFFR account with the same plea. Then the sixth episode. Seventh. Ninth.
These videos should have been only on the Edenfilmscrew channel, so why did Rubeus Eden break his promise and upload some of them to the TeamFFR channel? Because he couldn't get as many views on his Edenfilmscrew channel (3,000 views per episode on TeamFFR versus 1,500 views per episode on Edenfilmscrew).
During the first episode of Final Fan-tasy Contra Real, Rubeus Eden attempts to show off his zOMFG AWESOME ENGLISH SKILLS. However, this video is constantly cut as Rubeus Eden has to review the script someone else wrote for him (obviously someone else wrote it, because Rubeus is not profecient enough at the English language to have written it himself). Sometimes, Rubeus Eden doesn't even bother to look at the camera, and just reads off the screen.
Trivia: During the first episode of Final Fan-tasy Real, Rubeus Eden also shows off his zOMFG AWESOME KNOWLEDGE OF JAPANESE CULTURE by trying to suck his own penis on-camera. But he doesn't go all the way, because he remembers that he has no penis, only his e-pingas.
Exit Wars 0 Radio Drama[edit]
Although the original Battle Royale never had a prequel radio drama, Rubeus Eden is still showing off his knowledge of Japan since lots of animu do have radio drama spin-offs. This radio drama is only half the failure of everything else Rubeus Eden does, because there is a lack of video. However, it's still a LARP crossover fanfiction rip-off.
It's a puzzle why this thing is even called a radio drama, since Rubeus Eden can't actually afford to get this shit broadcasted on IRL radio airwaves. He can't even get it broadcasted across Internet radio. Instead, he uploads it to his Edenfilmscrew YouTube account in a video with a single picture of a Portal rip-off, and in the last minute decides to turn it into a Counter-Strike fanfic (because everyone knows holding a gun in the right hand and aiming down the sights is only for n00bs). And then he doesn't even add subtitles to it, instead requiring people to download a separate crossover fanfiction .txt file and "read along." So do yourself a favor: download the .txt file and turn the "radio" off, because the monotonous voice will only ruin the experience as you imagine a much better voice feeding these lines to you.
However, a better favor to do yourself would be to not even bother.
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Ripping off the Portal logo.
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Aim down the sights!
Trivia: While Battle Royale lacked a radio drama, it did have a manga adaptation. Following his ever uncreative motto of ripping off kawaii things, Rubeus Eden is preparing a manga adaptation of his Battle Royale: Exit Wars to upload on his deviantArt.
Kingdom Hearts IV[edit]
Rubeus Eden wasn't satisfied with making just a Final Fantasy LARP crossover fanfiction, so he decided to beat Disney and Square-Enix to the punch with Kingdom Hearts IV. Now Square-Enix and Disney must cease production of all Kingdom Hearts games after III, because Rubeus Eden now holds the rights to the franchise.
Kingdom Hearts IV furthers the love story between Sora and Riku, as Sora has decided to dump Kairi and ditch the Disney fags Donald and Goofy. However, it's still unclear if Final Fantasy IV is a lemon or a lime, as Sora and Riku are now females (much like Auron in Final Fan-tasy Real).
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Now that Disney owns Marvel and Square-Enix owns Eidos, Rubeus Eden will be including Wolverine and Lara Croft in Kingdom Hearts IV. But even if the aforementioned mergers hadn't occured, Rubeus Eden would have done it anyway. Because just like every uncreative thing Rubeus Eden does, Kingdom Hearts IV is a crossover clusterfuck fanfiction. For those who fear something similar to Tifa of Final Fan-tasy Real, worry no more. Lara Croft will have boobs. It has been confirmed Lara Croft will be played by a fat guy with manboobs.
This is only a prototype storyboard for Kingdom Hearts IV. The end product will look much shittier.
Moar Cosplay Girlz (and Boyz 2!)[edit]
The Cosplay Girlz from the TeamFFR channel make their return on the Edenfilmscrew channel, but now Rubeus Eden includes Boyz 2 so that he doesn't appear to be the lifeless pervert he is (opting to appear to be a trap-loving faggot, instead). This is the same shitty amateur camerawork that is found on the TeamFFR channel, so bring a barf bag along; if not for the ugly costumes, then for the dizzying camera.
Other Goodwill-reject cosplay videos without the title "Cosplay Girlz (and Boyz 2)" are listed, but because none of these Wapanese have any understanding of the language of their Holy Moon, this results in WTFLOL names for their conventions, such as "Jigoku Con" where Rubeus Eden can whore himself to Satan.
Trivia: A number of these videos have also been flagged as inappropriate, inducing more Rubeus Eden rage.
"Eden Films Classics"[edit]
Before he was Rubeus Eden, C.E.O. of Eden Films, Ruben Koprivica filmed the Eden Films Classics. How it's possible for these to be videos to be part of anything related to Eden Films is unknown, since Eden Films didn't exist when these videos were made, resulting in a time paradox. But this is the least of people's worries, because these blobs of diahrea have been labeled "Classics," resulting in a fission mailure.
Or Rubeus Eden is just an egofag who thinks he's clever by giving things names which are incorrect.
These "Eden Films Classics" are transcoded from VHS, done using a VCR with dirty headers and thus resulting in scanlines and horrible pixelation. Trying to download the flash files will result in your computer being destroyed by zero.
These "Classics" shed some light on Rubeus Eden's early filmmaking career, and also reveal that he has not improved at all. His earliest example of these "Classics" comes from 1997, in the form of a Sailor Moon/James Bond crossover fanfiction. Yes, even when he was a 13 year old boy, Rubeus Eden was making shitty crossover fanfiction videos.
Another "Classic" features Rubeus Eden and his brother performing a piano recital in front of a bunch of old farts. This recital is actually a crossover fanfiction of animu and video game music, which is just as horrible as all of Rubeus Eden's other crossover fanfictions. However, because this was performed for oldfags, none of them knew Rubeus Eden was actually ripping off the likes of Nobuo Uematsu and Motoi Sakuraba, and they praised his "original" genius.
Like every other unoriginal weeaboo, Rubeus Eden also made a Neon Genesis Evangelion AMV. Then he moved on to fan-dubbing an obscure animu entitled "Super Wedding Peach," which is about Mario and Princess Toadstool's exchange of vows... or something like that; since Rubeus Eden has no understanding of Japanese, he did what he's best known for doing and made up his own shitty fanfiction story.
Also, Rubeus Eden shows off his l33t Jedi Force powers on this channel.
Trivia: The Sailor Moon/James Bond parody has been baleeted. The only evidence of its existence is a screenshot which was taken before the video's removal.
Feeding the Birds, Tuppence a Bag[edit]
Now that the Sailor Moon/James Bond parody has been baleeted, the video which induces the most "WTF?" is a video of Rubeus Eden feeding birds. Of course, it costs only a tuppence for a bag of bird seed, which coincides with the budget for Final Fan-tasy Real.
Sock Puppets[edit]
By some miracle, Edenfilmscrew managed to obtain over one-thousand subscribers. An impressive feat, considering people really don't care about anything from Rubeus Eden except Final Fan-tasy Real. But even more amazing is that after such a long time with so little view counts, all the videos on Edenfilmscrew suddenly became "interesting" to watch. Including the feeding the birds video.
Did people's interest in this Edenfilmscrew and its Final Fantasy-unrelated videos really increase? Or is this the work of sock puppets? We report, you decide.
- EFC BeforeTamper.png
Before, the only videos that got over 1000 views were the Final Fantasy-related ones.
- EFC NewViews.png
Then suddenly, all the other videos earned over 1000 views. Yet the Final Fantasy-related ones hardly increased at all.
- EFC NoComments.png
Despite the sharp increase in view counts, there have been no increases in comment counts.
This isn't to say Rubeus Eden makes the sock puppets (he's too busy masturbating to the positive comments on Final Fan-tasy Real, after all). Every YouTuber has fans who make sock puppets. One of Onision's fans brags about making a new sock puppet for Onision every day. So if these numbers are indeed the work of sock puppets, it's quite likely one or more of Rubeus Eden's 50 die-hard fans have summoned an army of sock puppets to stroke their master's e-penis. However, it seems the sock puppets have become bored as view counts are starting to decrease, despite the increase of subscribers. ¯\(° o)/¯
Rubeus Eden's Paranoia Schizophrenicism[edit]
May 30, 2008 will be a day Rubeus Eden will never forget, for that is the day Rubeus Eden had his e-penis surgically removed from his faggot ass and reattached to the inside of his throat. The surgery left Rubeus Eden with a severe case of paranoia, which Rubeus Eden documented in his vlog, “Paranoia Story.”
Since the operation, Rubeus Eden has insisted the surgeon who performed this operation is solely responsible for all misfortune in his life. This isn’t the first time Rubeus Eden has used his godly knowledge to know exactly who’s responsible for what; before the date above, Rubeus was able to pinpoint all of his life’s misfortunes on a former friend. And Rubeus Eden is always right, and never responsible for what misfortune may happen to him.
This paranoia has resulted in Rubeus Eden disabling ratings on his videos, temporarily disabling comments on his front page, requiring comment approval on select masterpieces, and blocking YouTube users for no reason. He believes anyone who makes a negative remark about his work is really his surgeon in disguise, including commentators from years before the surgery took place.
- RE DisableRatings1.png
- RE DisableRatings2.png
- RE DisableRatings3.png
- RE DisableRatings4.png
- RE DisableBrainsick.png
Because one person is totally "brainsick" enough to x sock puppets to span one-star-rape Rubeus Eden's videos, where x=the number of Rubeus Eden's subscribers +1.
Rubeus Eden will insist he only disabled ratings (and comments) due to a troll. However, as seen here on The Wayback Machine, Rubeus Eden had disabled ratings and comments for one of his three weeks before November 17, 2007. Rubeus Eden's surgery didn't take place until May 30, 2008, well over six months after his rampage over this one video.
Additionally, Rubeus Eden has always had a long-standing case of schizophrenia, but it became more prevalent after the above-mentioned surgery. This schizophrenia arises from his constant role-changing in “Final Fucktards Are Real,” where he has to juggle roles to make up for the lack of actors. Attending German cosplay conventions (where everyone wears costumes found in the garbage bin behind Goodwill) has also corroded Rubeus Eden’s perception of himself.
- One of Rubeus Eden's personas is Angry German Kid.
Rubeus Eden is an avid supporter of piece. As Mel Brooks demonstrated in his movie “To Be or Not to Be,” Rubeus Eden only wants piece. A piece of England, piece of France, maybe a slice of Spain, and a very large piece of Russia. Rubeus Eden wants piece. Yet, despite his declarations of piece, he continues to savagely attack anyone who makes negative remarks about his work.
Rubeus Eden's Epic Rage Quest[edit]
After having read this ED article last Thursday, Rubeus began his epic rage quest. Promoting himself to CEO of Square-Enix, Rubeus has begun issuing take-down orders of all Final Fantasy parodies on YouTube in hope that his Final Fucktards Are Real will be the sole Final Fantasy parody available to the Internet. Unfortunately, Rubeus Eden is unable to convince the 9000+ other video sites to take down Final Fantasy parody videos.
How to Troll Rubeus Eden[edit]
Trolling Rubeus Eden is easy! Just hop over to anything except Gametrailers and ask one or more of the following:
- Why is Squall fat?
- Why is Auron a chick?
- Why don't you speak real Al Bhed?
- Why do you keep switching Renos and Rudes?
- Why do you keep switching Squalls and Clouds?
- Why are your costumes and props so shitty? Japanese are way better.
Earn bonus points by telling Rubeus Eden you saw on his Formspring that he admits his style his similar to Quentin Tarantino, agree with him, then direct him to Tarantino's ED article.
Massive bonus points are assigned for signing comments "<3 B"
See Also[edit]
Where to Find Rubeus Eden[edit]
Because he likes to make himself feel so good, it’s not difficult to find Rubeus Eden. He has an account on every major site, and minor sites like his own.
- Watch "Final Fucktards For Real" on YouTube
- Watch "Final Fucktards For Real" on the Interwebz
- Watch other retarded monkey shit on YouTube
- Receive an anal injection here
- Watch something far more entertaining here
- Witness Rubeus Eden flaunt himself to Anime-Illusion
- Google Translation of the above
- Join the "Final Fucktards For Real" Forums
- Join the "Final Fucktards For Real" Facebook Group
- Don't forget to join the Eden Films
CrapShit Facebook Group while you're at it - See Rubeus Eden dress up stuff even Goodwill wouldn’t take
- Now available in devianTARTlet flavor!
- See Rubeus Eden roll around in his own shit on GameTrailers
- Witness how little life Rubeus Eden has by following him on Twitter
- Learn more about Rubeus Eden's lack of a
girlfriendlife on Formspring
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This person has Assburgers Syndrome, so you can't say anything bad! :-( Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck. |
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Rubeus Eden is part of a series on Visit the DeviantART Portal for complete coverage. |
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Rubeus Eden is part of a series on YouTube. |
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