Brandon Crisp
|
Brandon "DJ ICE" Crisp was a normal Catholic boy from the great land of milk bags. He was an average boy at the age of 15 and attended a Catholic high school where he learned about God and fellatio. Brandon had a rather unhealthy relationship with his Xbox, skipping school to play Call of Duty all day long. On October 13th, he had a fight with his parents and his parents decided to take his Ecksbawks. Suffering from immense amounts of butthurt, he threatened to pack his bags and move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. His father played along with his son's sudden outburst of unwarranted self-importance and helped him pack his bags (though forgetting to throw in some medipacks). He was later quoted that, "He had done it for the lulz."
Brandon's nigger tactics kept him alive briefly, until he joined forces with Jake Roberts and failed the final level in his favorite MMORPG called Fallout Tree, by climbing up a tree and attempting to swan dive to the nearest branch. In a sudden realization that he was not fit nor had an ounce of parkour skills, Brandon plummeted to Final Stand and took the coward's way out. Before the Game Masters could find his body, Facebook campaigns with over 9,000 people were formed. And with a lot of moralfags, comes a lot of trolls.
Brandon Crisp was appointed an Xbox hero on the 5th of November by internet's super heroes, /b/. His death was almost as lulzy as An Wiiro, but with the powers of online communities, moar lulz were had when /b/ started to leave their condolences on Facebook.
Brandon was a tiny, angry, retarded Canadian kid, though some say he was a pretty cool guy. He enjoyed watching the movies Ice Age, Out Cold, Brain Freeze, Encino Man, In Cold Blood, The Big Chill, Jack Frost, Cold Mountain, Polar Express,Batman & Mr. Freeze: SubZero, The Ice Storm, and Frozen River. Unfortunately, he was not a fan of Extreme Survival or that Canadian show Survivorman. Brandon enjoyed listening to "Cold as Ice" by Foreigner, "North to Alaska" by Johnny Horton, "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice, "Stone Cold Crazy" by Queen, "Baby, It's Cold Outside" by Esther Williams✡ and Ricardo Montalban, "The Iceman Cometh" by Impelliterri, "Cold Hearted" by Paula Abdul✡, "So Cold" by Breaking Benjamin, "World So Cold" by Mudvayne, the album Alaska by Between The Buried And Me, the album "Cold Blooded" by Rick James, anything with Ice Cube or Ice T in it, and pretty much anything by Coldplay, Cold War Kids, or Imperial Crystalline Entombment (also known as I.C.E., lulz). When Brandon was feeling classy, he'd listen to Vivaldi's "Winter", Westlake's "Antarctica Suite" but he never listened to Stravinsky's "Danse Inferne". His favorite play was Eugene O'Neill's The Iceman Cometh. Crisp disliked Snoop Dogg's "Drop It Like It's Hot", Nelly's "Hot In Here", and Jim Gaffigan's "Hot Pockets" routine. He also loved the wrestling antics of Stone Cold Steve Austin.
There is speculation that Brandon was just following his Dad's orders when he was told to "go chill out". It has also been reported that Brandon enjoyed dressing as Mr. Freeze for Halloween. It is also speculated that if Brandon Crisp and Codey Porter combine their powers, Captain Planet will return. We have also gotten word that his favorite Bing Crosby movie was White Christmas. It is also possible that he got auto-balanced and is now somewhere in Russia.
Contents
- 1 The Argument
- 2 Memorial Songs & CopyPasta
- 3 [-+]The Real Story
- 4 [-+]Brandon the Snowman
- 5 [-+]Bel-Air, Ode to An Hero
- 6 [-+]I WILL SURVIVE... so he thought
- 7 [-+]No, Brandon, you are the Xbox
- 8 [-+]Under the Tree
- 9 So Cash
- 10 Brandon Crisp Facts
- 11 Facebook
- 12 Tribute Video
- 13 Angry little boy responds
- 14 Ramifications
The Argument[edit]
Brandon, like any 13 year old boy got exceedingly upset when he was told by his father that his Xbox 360 was being confiscated due to his schoolwork suffering, and as with all teen arguments, this resulted in a large amount of drama and he told his parents he was moving with his Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air, Brandon's dad being the responsible parent he even helped his son to pack his bags in a true gesture of fatherly love. Having never played Oregon Trail as a child, Brandon failed to know what to do when confronted with the choice of leaving. Thus, he bought no oxen, bacon, meat, dried fruits and vegetables, whiskey, or winter coats but rather 12 grandfather clocks. Pity.
As hockey season had not yet started, the Canadian news covered Brandon's disappearance 24-7. Microsoft knows when a good promo opportunity presents itself, so Bill Gates offered to donate 25,000Confederate Canadian moneys to the reward fund, plus an extra dollar for every time you forwarded Bill's email.
Mr. Crisp told journalists he expected to see him back within a few hours, or at worst, the next day. Upon receiving news of his son's death, Mr. Crisp organized a huge party and invited all his friends and neighbors round for some nibbles and fine wine, then returned Brandon's birthday gift, ironically a new coat. After all, no longer having to put up with Brandon's attitude was cause to celebrate, right?
Memorial Songs & CopyPasta[edit]
[+]The Real Story[edit]
I'm a member of the search and rescue squad that was deployed to find Brandon Crisp. I had never dealt with a serious case like this before; the kid was young, not exactly an outdoorsman from what I understood, and he'd been lost for weeks in Canadian fall/winter weather. Of course we never told the parents, but we were looking for a corpse, not a little boy. Not knowing the land around Barrie nearly as well as some of my fellow investigators, I resigned myself to the fact that I was comparatively useless and would probably end up covering much less ground than my coworkers. Nevertheless, I bundled up warm and set out. I decided to do some searching east of Barrie, since most of the area to the north and west had been thoroughly scoured for any signs of human life. After maybe an hour of searching, I found an old, abandoned farmhouse. I inspected the house, which didn't look like it had been used for decades, and couldn't find any footprints. I briefly glanced inside each room, perfunctorily shouting Brandon’s name. He was nowhere to be found. I was disappointed, since that had seemed like the best lead yet. A farmhouse would have been an excellent place for a kid on the run to hide from frosty winds and the bitter elements. --- I continued my search, heading further east. I looked for footprints, snapped twigs, any manmade items that might have been discarded by the boy. All I could find was a broken branch sitting next to a bark-stripped tree, which,unless Brandon had very peculiar tastes, meant only that there was a deer somewhere in those desolate woods. So Iheard a faint sound u liek mudkipz, almost like grunting, echoing through the trees. It sounded vaguely human, andI tried my best to follow the reverberating noises. There was an equally good chance that it was some meaner sortof creature, though, so I drew my pistol cautiously. I ran as softly as I could towards what I hoped were the echoing grunts. Finally, I came upon a break in the trees. I carefully approached the clearing, trying to see what I was up against before making any sort of movement. Finally i came up to the clearing , dropped my pants and unloaded a steamer into his mouth before cumming to the sight of my boyfriend's tiny cock.
[+]Brandon the Snowman[edit]
Brandon The snowman, was a jolly happy soul, With a 360 and COD4, And a lot of time online, Brandon the snowman, Will be missed they say, He was frozen in snow, Now the children know, Not to run away. There must have been a tree, In the Barrie wilderness, For when he fell down and hit his head, He began to bleed out! Brandon the snowman, was dead as he could be, And the children say, He couldn't play, COD4. Brandon the snowman, Knew the snow fell that day, So he began to run, And had some fun, Before he met his frozen grave 4km from the village, With a controller in his hand, Falling here and there, Out of the trees, Saying Devil may care, Brandon the snowman, died alone and cold, I bet he cried, for his Xbox live, As his blood stopped moving.
[+]Bel-Air, Ode to An Hero[edit]
Now this is the story all about how I died naked & frozen up-side-down I'd like to take a minute just sit right there, I'll tell you how taking my XBOX was completely unfair In west Ontario, born and raised On CoD4 was where I spent most of my days Shootin' down choppers and scannin' so cool Just killin' some Russians right after school When a couple of n00bs who were up to no good Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood I played for one week straight and my Dad got scared He said, "Run away forever and see if I care!" I rode off on my bike, and then it was clear The tires went flat and a chain broke in my gear I could still see my house, I could go back there? But I thought, "Nah, forget it, my 'rents are unfair!" I fell into the snow around 7 or 8 And I yelled to my team, "Hey guys, I'll respawn later!" I looked for some cover, but nothing was there And that's why takin' my XBOX was completely unfair.
[+]I WILL SURVIVE... so he thought[edit]
At first I was annoyed I was mystified Kept thinking I could never live without Xbox by my side But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong I grew strong I learned how to run away and now I'm gone! From this shit place! I just walked out and left you there with that sad look upon your face I should have changed my stupid lock I should have made you leave your key If I had known for just one second you'd be back to steal CoD I've gone on now, walked out the door I won't turn around now 'cause you stole my CoD4 Weren't you the one, that wouldn't let me have my fucking games? You think I'd crumble? You think I'd stay in my room and cry!? Oh no, not I I will just die As long as I don't have any of newbs to pwn I know I can't stay alive I've got all my life to game I've got all my skills to pwn But I won't survive! I won't survive! It took all the strength I had not to go back home Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken soul and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for my team oh how I cried Now I can feel my eye's grow tired and you can't see me Nobody knew I'm not that chained up l33t gamer still in love with Xbox live And so I felt like sitting down and resting my head down in the snow Now I'm freezing in this field, becoming an hero
[+]No, Brandon, you are the Xbox[edit]
Brandon Crisp waited. The Xbox was disconnected right in front of him. His parents carried it from the room. He didn't see it, but had expected it now for years. His warnings to Captain Price were not listened to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway. Brandon had played Tour of Duty 4 for fifteen years. When he was young he watched the consoles and he said to dad "I want to play on the consoles daddy." Dad said "No! You will be FROZEN IN THE WOODS". There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in his bedroom he knew he had to escape. "This is Price" the radio crackered. "You must run away!" So Brandon gotted his bike and ran off without a coat. "HE GOING TO GET FROZEN" said the onlookers "I will freeze him" said the weather and it fired snow at him. Brandon climbed up at him and tried to dodge him. But then the snow fell and they were trapped and not able to kill. "No! I must get my Xbox" he shouted. The radio said "No, Brandon. You are the Xbox." And then Brandon was frozen.
[+]Under the Tree[edit]
under the tree under the tree Brandon is better frozen with no sweater take it from /b/ lost his xbox one day threw a fit and ran away now he is deader ain't this better? under a tree (for oldfags) Sometimes I feel like I don't have an X-box Sometimes I feel like my only friend Is Tour of Duty Cuz I liked shooting the Nazis Chilly as I am Together we die
So Cash[edit]
Hey Ultranationalists,
My name is Brandon, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are slow, inaccurate n00bs who spend every second of their day getting knifed in the back by me, Brandon. You are everything cold in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten level 55? I mean, I guess it's fun losing to a 15 year old because you're a faggot, but you all take it to a whole new level. This is even worse then jerking off to my obituaries on Facebook.
Don't be a Spetznaz. Just hit me with your best airstrike. I'm pretty much frozen. I was leader of the scoreboards, and beaten by my dad. What games do you play, other than "not freeze to death in the woods"? I also get RROD, and have a pretty warm jacket (Just lost it; I am SO cold). You are all losers who should buy a better bike next time. Thanks for searching.
Pic related: It's me and my box.
Brandon Crisp Facts[edit]
Brandon Crisp died before his Xbox did.
Brandon Crisp went straight to Dead, did not pass Go, and did not collect $200.
Brandon Crisp accidentally life.
Facebook[edit]
The Facebook group called WHERE IS BRANDON CRISP has around 22,000 members, and was created by Natasha Crisp and Samantha Crisp. This (and the fact that Facebook notifies you each and every single time someone posts in a thread you posted in) created a huge shitflow of trolls vs. moralfags.
| —Andrew Hanna, one of the group's administrators. | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
Tribute Video[edit]
Note: It seems to be a growing trend that Anon's tributes are being taken off YouTube due to the uploaders' own choices. It is advised that these are to be mirrored before they are taken down so it does not completely screw up the page.
Angry little boy responds[edit]
After Anon had made their tributes to their favorite human popsicle, a 13 year old boy by the name of FredAnimated decided to stand up to the bullies and started to ramble on about icicles on balls and shoving his microphone up various rectums, because they are some of his fetishes.
| —Fred Animated. |
Ramifications[edit]
Anon was shocked by such obscenity, because after all, who swears on the internetz? FredAnimated was then pulled aside by his father, a /b/tard himself, and he forcibly entered his big black horsecock into the little boys mouth against his will, and then later as he was anally raping him without lube, Fred committed seppuku and thus passed into posterity the legend of FredAnimated, the little engine that could faggot. A more formidable foe Anon surely has never encountered before, and a collective sigh of relief was breathed across all chans upon his fuck and resultant death.
Oi, Suzy![edit]
help me
My Final Form
TOO EARLY
More like finished him, amirite?
LOL WUT
But I think this one knows he's dead, amirite?
RROD
Send the search party.
Introducing the newest flavor
But then I froze
Ffruustration version of the story
PREORDER NOW!
You'll shit brix
BRB LOL
LAAAAAAAG
What really happened....
The great thing about getting your 360 taken away isn't dying in the snow, it's showing everyone online that I did.
Admission of guilt
Wikipedia knows all
OVER 9000?!?
Strikin while teh iron is hot
I R WINRAR!
What do I do?
LOL Facebook
When you see it, you'll turn 360 degrees and run away from home.
Long live Tour of Duty.
Fanboys always make it about them
Some Hate Mail from his schoolmate
Brandon's Myspace that got baleeted.
U roooooose!!!"11
Don't do it.
An 15-Year-Old Virgin
Sub-Zero tried to save Brandon like this
Brandon's favorite cereal
Death[edit]
Hunters found his body in teh woods. Let's examine the fucking facts here: His bike was found not far from his house, there are no strangers in that area and he has no friends; how the FUCK could you be that much of a failure as to die just as you get two blocks from your house? His parents are obviously The Killers. They reported the incident so as not to attract suspicion. The only other possibility is that he An Hero'd via hanging on a branch, trying to evade Shotacat.
Possibilities:
- An hero
- Killed by parents
- Bear trap
- Jack Frost
- Hypothermia
- Tripped on a stick
- Carbon Monoxide
- El Chupacabra
- Gaz
- Jews
- George Bush
- Shotacat
- AIDS
- Being mistaken for a deer and subsequently shot by Dick Cheney
- Thinking he could not get affected by weather like in video games
- FROZEN TO A CRISP
Recent investigation shows that it is possible Brandon was in fact pwnd by a tree while camping completing his Goodbye challenge for 250 XP.
| —Winrar /b/tard |
See Also[edit]
- Jake Roberts
- An Halo
- 360 Kid
- Codey Porter, the Sand Ninja who convinced his friends to bury him alive in a sandbox.
External links[edit]
-
A MySpace dedication for Brandon CrispPWNED - The Article on the drama
-
Crappy FailBook group POOLS CLOSEDPWNED - Crisp of November and more in 3D
-
Facebook group for Brandon
| Brandon Crisp is part of a series on Soviet Canuckistan [Expand]
| ||||||
| ||||||
| Featured article November 28, 2008 | ||
| Preceded by Thanksgiving |
Brandon Crisp | Succeeded by iChan |
