Late-Night Political Jokes

Best Political Jokes by the Late-Night Comedians

Late-Night Comedians
by Daniel Kurtzman
Daniel Kurtzman is a political journalist turned satirist. He has been widely cited as a political humor expert and authored two books on the subject.
Updated August 11, 2017

May 10, 2017

"Today, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he had nothing to do with the firing of FBI Director James Comey. Putin said, 'How could I? He's still alive, isn't he?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today, President Trump promised to bring back 'the spirit and prestige of the FBI.' Trump said, 'When I'm arrested, I want to be arrested by the very best.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, FBI Director James Comey got a letter from President Trump informing him that his services were no longer needed. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, 'I would kill for one of those letters.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's come out that in the days before the Comey firing, Donald Trump would often scream at cable TV. He would usually yell, 'YOU'RE not the Cake Boss — I'M the Cake Boss!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Analysts are saying that last night's events could be 'the beginning of the end for Donald Trump.' Oh wait, I'm sorry, this joke is from a monologue I did last year." –Conan O'Brien

"After news of the Comey firing broke last night, Press Secretary Sean Spicer avoided reporters by hiding behind a bush outside the White House. Today, Bill Clinton said, 'Oh yeah, I remember that bush.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The fallout continues after the surprise firing of FBI Director James Comey yesterday. Apparently Comey was in Los Angeles and found out that he was fired when he saw it on television. Which basically means Trump fired the head of the FBI the same way he fired Gary Busey — on television." –James Corden

"Now of course President Trump spoke about the backlash. He gave a very calm and measured interview to NPR. I'm kidding! He fired off a string of angry tweets." –James Corden

"This morning he attacked his critics on Twitter and in one tweet referred to Sen. Chuck Schumer as Cryin' Chuck Schumer. Now you remember he does this, there was also Lyin' Ted Cruz and Crooked Hillary. I'm starting to think the only job Trump is really qualified for is coming up with catchy stage names for professional wrestlers." –James Corden

"The whole administration is facing questions about this firing. After reporters were hounding Press Secretary Sean Spicer for comments, he did what any professional White House press secretary would do: He hid in the bushes. "–James Corden

"Think about that for a second — a grown man hiding in the bushes from doing his job. That's like when I hide in the gym toilets to avoid my personal trainer. 'Get your feet up, he won't know I'm in here!'" –James Corden

"We're starting with what might be the most shocking episode of 'The Celebrity President' yet. President Trump yesterday said adios to James Comey, who was director of the FBI, and also was in charge of investigating his campaign's relationship with the Russians. He fired the guy who is investigating him. When we said Trump should act more presidential, we probably should have specified we didn't mean Nixon." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump had his long-time personal bodyguard deliver a letter in a manila envelope to FBI headquarters informing him he was fired. James Comey wasn't there, he was here in L.A. speaking to a group of FBI agents and they had the TV on. He sees on the news that he was fired. He thought it was a prank. For real, he thought it was — which makes you wonder what kind of friends he has." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday when the Comey firing happened, White House 'stress secretary' Sean Spicer was about to leave for his Navy Reserve duty. And he didn't want to answer questions, so he hid in the bushes outside the White House. For real. Sometimes you've got to stop and smell the Rose Garden, you know?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Spicer finally agreed to come out if the reporters turned their camera lights off and their cameras. I guess for some reason he felt like the White House press secretary crawling out of his hiding place might be a bad visual." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House announced yesterday that President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Yet another long-time dream that Trump stole from Hillary." –Seth Meyers

"President Vladimir Putin said today that Russia had 'nothing to do with' the firing of FBI Director James Comey. And you can tell, because Comey's alive." –Seth Meyers

"It's been a historic day. We have reached a milestone as a nation. It's not just that the president fired the head of the FBI. No, here's the milestone — we have apparently elected a president who truly does not care about what anything looks like. Which is surprising for a guy whose actual face we've never seen." –Stephen Colbert

"Firing Jim Comey, head of the FBI, really feels like Authoritarianism 101. Which, by the way, a very difficult class." –Stephen Colbert

"The word is Trump has been planning to fire Comey for at least a week. And he evidently asked Attorney General Jeff Sessions to come up with reasons to fire him. So now the Department of Justice is the Department of Justification." –Stephen Colbert

"So Comey has been fired, or as Fox News put it, 'James Comey resigns.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Yesterday, Donald Trump fired the director of the FBI, James Comey, and I guess Comey heard about it right before a recruitment event he was going to speak at. Then he was like, 'Hey, while I'm recruiting — anyone wanna be director? It just came up. I just got the email.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"They're also saying when he got the news, Comey thought it was a prank and started laughing. But to be fair, that's also how Trump reacted when he won the election. 'That's very good — where's Ashton Kutcher? I love that guy!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Of course, it drew immediate reactions from other politicians. When she heard Comey was fired, Hillary called him and said, 'Aw, did someone take away a job that was rightfully yours? Ah, too bad!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Melania Trump will join Donald on his first trip overseas as president. Melania said she's a little nervous for the trip because it's always hard traveling with a baby." –Jimmy Fallon

May 9, 2017

"Yesterday, President Trump tweeted that the investigation into ties between his campaign and Russia is a 'taxpayer-funded charade.' And he said he'd be even angrier about it if he were a taxpayer." –Jimmy Fallon

"I saw that Trump's daughter Tiffany will attend Georgetown Law School this fall. The president was so excited, today he said, 'Congratulations to my non-Ivanka daughter!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Kim Jong Un hurled a series of insults at Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. In a related story, Fox News has finally found its replacement for Bill O'Reilly." –Conan O'Brien

"In her testimony, Sally Yates said she warned White House officials about Mike Flynn being compromised by the Russians. Yates also tried to warn Mike Pence, but every time she entered the room he yelled, 'Out, temptress!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today former President Obama said, 'You get the politicians you deserve.' When the bartender tried to cut him off, Obama said, 'I'm FIIIINE!'" –Conan O'Brien

"A few hours ago, President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Apparently Trump still hasn't forgiven Comey for making him president.
 –Conan O'Brien

"A senator made history this week by breastfeeding in the Senate Chamber. The bad news is, it was Mitch McConnell." –Conan O'Brien

"President Trump has fired FBI director James Comey. A massive story, a massive decision. Hey, remember two years ago when we all made jokes about if Trump ever became president, he'd be like, 'You're fired. You're fired. You're fired.'" –James Corden

"The White House is saying Comey has been fired for his handling of the Hillary Clinton email investigation. Other people are saying he's being fired because of the Russia investigation. While I say Comey is being fired because Donald Trump is crazy!" –James Corden

"Donald Trump, who maybe you haven't heard is president now, a few hours ago fired James Comey, the director of the FBI — which is kind of like O.J. firing Judge Ito halfway through the trial." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He fired the director of the FBI while the director was investigating his people for possible collusion with Russia. This is unbelievable. This is the kind of thing dictators do. This is the kind of thing reality TV hosts do, they fire someone every week." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe that's what happened, he thinks he's still on 'The Celebrity Apprentice.' It was between James Comey and Meatloaf, and, well, the Loaf won again." –Jimmy Kimmel

"One reason they gave for firing him is because he mishandled the Hillary Clinton email situation, which is hilarious because that would mean Trump fired James Comey for making him president." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We've seen a lot of unusual stuff, but this is outrageous. When something outrageous happens, I don't just sit on my hands, I do something about it. That's why I will be selling these 'Comey Is My Homey' t-shirts. Send me $29.99, and I will use some of that money to send a very nasty letter to the Oval Office." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Huge story that broke just minutes ago: FBI Director James Comey has just been fired by Donald Trump. That shows no gratitude at all. Did Trump forget about the Hillary emails that Comey talked about? 'Thanks for the presidency, Jimmy. Now don't let the door hit ya where the Electoral College split ya.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Yesterday, we learned that during their first meeting after the election, Obama warned Trump about hiring Michael Flynn. And it was just as effective as when Obama warned America about hiring Trump." –Stephen Colbert

"Why didn't Trump heed this warning? Sources say Trump thought Obama was joking. You know, that old joke: 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' 'He's working for the Russians. And it's actually Michael Flynn in a chicken costume." –Stephen Colbert

May 8, 2017

"Some big news from overseas. Yesterday, France elected 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron to be its new president. Trump said he's worried that, at 39, the president may be a little immature — then went back to tweeting insults at CNN." –Jimmy Fallon

"Macron actually won despite having his campaign hacked. Or as one guy put it (Russian accent), 'Eh — you help win some, you help lose some.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Republican Congressman Raul Labrador is under fire for saying that 'nobody dies because they don't have access to healthcare.' Then Trump was like, 'No way — a talking Labrador? I gotta meet this dog! This is unbelievable!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In France this weekend, far-right-wing candidate Marine Le Pen lost the presidential election by millions of votes. And here's the cool part, in France, if you lose by millions of votes that means you don't get to be president." –Conan O'Brien

"In Colorado, a high school teacher has been put on leave after her class smashed a President Trump piñata. When he heard this, Trump was especially furious that he had been made into something that brings joy to Mexicans." –Conan O'Brien

"A new biography of President Obama is coming out and it claims that before Michelle, he had a fiancée whose parents didn't think much of Obama's job prospects. Actually, I think they had a point, because now Obama's a 55-year-old unemployed man." –Conan O'Brien

"France elected a new president. Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election, defeating the far-right candidate Marine Le Pen. Macron won by a large margin, easily getting more votes — which, most Americans will be surprised to learn, is how you win most elections in almost all the countries." –James Corden

"House Republicans spent the weekend defending the bill they just passed to replace Obamacare. Now healthcare is incredibly important. So I'm sure these Republican congressmen read the new bill very closely, right? One of those guys said, 'I turned through every page.' That's not reading. By his definition, I've read the entire English Oxford Dictionary, the Bible, and my CBS contracts. –James Corden

"White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus responded to critics of the bill saying if you have a pre-existing condition this president is not going to let you down. And, he better hope so because the name Reince Priebus sounds like a pre-existing condition. Doesn't it? 'I'm afraid we have bad news. We found traces of your Reince in your Priebus.'" –James Corden

"Centrist politician Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election yesterday over far-right candidate Marine Le Pen — thanks to France's unusual practice of awarding the presidency to the person with the most votes." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new report, Senator Bernie Sanders's wife Jane Sanders is being investigated by the FBI for alleged bank fraud. Even worse, her husband is being investigated by his local deli for alleged Splenda theft. 'These should be free!'" –Seth Meyers

"Former President Bill Clinton is teaming up with author James Patterson to write a new book called 'The President Is Missing.' It'll be followed by the sequel, 'Never Mind, He's at the Golf Course.'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump continues to follow through on his promise to drain the swamp because it was announced on Friday the White House has fired its chief usher. It took a while for her to leave the building because there was no one available to show her the door. Poor planning." –Stephen Colbert

"I don't know about you, but ever since the House passed the new healthcare bill last week, I've been trying to decide: Should I move to Canada, or just stay drunk?" –Stephen Colbert

May 4, 2017

"Today the House voted to pass the Republican healthcare bill before taking an 11-day recess. They say they're going to use the break to kick back, relax, and finally read the bill they just voted for." –Jimmy Fallon

"Democrats are calling for the new Republican healthcare bill to be called 'Trumpcare.' Experts say that's the first time the words 'Trump' and 'care' have ever been said together." –Jimmy Fallon

"Reince Priebus said that Trump helped pass the bill by punting the ball into the end zone. When told that analogy didn't quite make sense, he said, 'I meant that he hit a grand slam into the net and slapped the puck right into the hoop. Is that better?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, Trump tweeted that the media is out of control, saying that they will do or say anything to get attention. Then he honked the horn of an 18-wheeler, posed for a picture with Kid Rock, and accused Obama of spying on him from his microwave." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Trump canceled his White House Cinco de Mayo celebration. He made the

"House Republicans today voted on and passed an Obamacare replacement bill without knowing how much it could cost. Though I'm not surprised — they also voted on an Obama replacement without knowing the cost." –Seth Meyers

"Congress narrowly passed Republican plan to replace Obamacare today. Also narrowly passing: Grandma." –Seth Meyers

"A member of the conservative House Freedom Caucus said yesterday that it can be difficult to negotiate with President Trump because it's hard to tell what he's thinking. Also, if." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new biography, former President Obama proposed to a serious girlfriend he had before he met Michelle Obama, but he paused so long she walked away." –Seth Meyers

May 3, 2017

"Last night, Melania Trump's Twitter account liked a tweet suggesting she doesn't like her husband. But Melania claims she didn't mean to like it — she meant to RETWEET it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Apparently, the tweet said the only wall Trump has built is the one between him and Melania. Trump was like, 'At this point, I'll take credit for ANY wall getting built.'"  –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Trump had a big phone call with Vladimir Putin, where they agreed to work together on handling Kim Jong Un. You know a leader's unstable when Trump and Putin are like, 'We gotta keep an eye on that guy!'"  –Jimmy Fallon

"I mean, seriously — Trump and Putin 'fixing' North Korea? That's like Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich 'guarding' a wedding cake." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, FBI Director James Comey said the thought that he helped Donald Trump get elected president makes him 'mildly nauseous.' Comey then excused himself to attend a meeting of Underreacters Anonymous." –Conan O'Brien

"Ivanka Trump has a new book of business advice for women. Tip No. 1 is 'Be your rich dad's favorite daughter.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Trump will return to New York City tomorrow for the first time since taking office. Melania was like, 'Oh, that's so crazy, I'm flying to D.C. tomorrow. Oh, you should have told me. Ships in the night.'" –Seth Meyers

"FBI Director James Comey testified before Congress today, and said that it makes him 'mildly nauseous' to think that his actions might have affected the election. Of course, that might just be from all that time he spent looking at Anthony Weiner's laptop." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new Politico poll, 48 percent of voters approve of the job President Trump is doing. Of course, a lot of them think that job is plus-sized golf shirt model." –Seth Meyers

May 2, 2017

"Today President Trump had a phone call with Vladimir Putin. Actually, they're just continuing the phone call they were having last night, since neither of them would hang up first." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Putin talking to Trump. Even Obama was like, 'Now THIS call I'm gonna wiretap! Get the popcorn out!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Trump said that he would be honored to meet with Kim Jong Un. When asked why, Trump said, 'Because I've heard her music, and she sounds beautiful.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer gave a new interview where he said that he loves his job and is humbled to have it. Then Spicer blinked his eyes in Morse code to spell out 'HELP ME.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"House Republicans are again trying to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don't have the votes. House Republicans defended themselves and said, 'Please, it's a soothing ritual that comforts us.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today, there was a call between Russian President Vladimir Putin and President Trump. The call was all part of Putin's annual employee review." –Conan O'Brien

"Analysts are saying that Donald Trump has not read his new healthcare plan and he has actually spent no time getting familiar with it. Their first hint was when he called it 'Melania.'" –Conan O'Brien

"While discussing healthcare, a Republican congressman from Alabama said that people who lead good lives don't get sick. Seconds later, he dropped dead." –Conan O'Brien

"On Twitter this morning, Donald Trump suggested the U.S. needs a 'good shutdown' to fix a deadlocked Congress. I don't think Donald Trump realizes that the government is not like a computer. You can't fix it by turning it off and turning it back on again." –James Corden

"Trump's thinking the government should go on a break. How is this going to work? This is the federal government, not Ross and Rachel." –James Corden

"In an interview yesterday, Trump questioned why America had a Civil War and suggested President Andrew Jackson could have prevented it, even though Jackson died 16 years before the Civil War started. Coincidentally, 50 years from now, the name 'Donald Trump' is going to be the answer to the question, 'Why was there a second Civil War?'" –James Corden

"Hillary Clinton today said that she is very aware of the 'shortfalls' of her campaign that caused her to lose the election. Specifically, Short Falls, Michigan, and Short Falls, Wisconsin." –Seth Meyers

"White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer today left his daily press briefing without taking questions from reporters. Spicer was apparently too busy taking questions from himself. 'Why do I keep doing this? What's wrong with me? Why don't I quit?'" –Seth Meyers

May 1, 2017

"President Trump just did an interview where he wondered why the Civil War ever happened. Then Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said, 'That's easy, Captain America and Iron Man got in a big fight.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump also said that Andrew Jackson was really angry about the Civil War, but Andrew Jackson actually died 16 years before it started. Trump said he'll apologize to Jackson when they play golf together next week." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump defended all his trips that he's made to his golf courses, saying that he only goes there to hold meetings. Even guys who go to Hooters for the wings were like, 'Yeah, right.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump's keeping busy — in fact, he invited the leader of Thailand to visit the White House. But Trump thinks Thailand is just a clothing chain that sells really long ties." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, President Trump invited brutal Filipino dictator Rodrigo Duterte to visit the White House. It's the first time Trump has ever said the words, 'Rodrigo, please come to America.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Trump also said he would be honored to meet North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. Trump said, 'He's my kind of guy — he's crazy, he's overweight, and he has a ridiculous haircut. We should get together!'" –Conan O'Brien

"In a recent Reuters interview, President Trump reflected on his first 100 days in office saying, 'I thought it would be easier.' What made you think it was going to be easy? This is what it did to a SMART person [shows 2008 and 2018 photos of Obama]. By the time you're out of office, you're going to look like the Toxic Avenger." –Seth Meyers

"President Trump said yesterday that being president has been a big burden on his family. 'Yes, but somehow we manage,' said Melania from her penthouse in New York.

"In an interview today, President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. Even worse, then he questioned whom America fought in the Civil War. 'Wait, I know this one. Was it China?'" –Seth Meyers

"President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. You know, at this rate the only way Trump is going to get a second term is if he's held back. 'All F's? I flunked everything? I got a B+ in phys ed.'" –Seth Meyers

April 27, 2017

"The White House invited reporters to bring their kids with them this morning for Take Your Kids to Work Day. Or as Trump calls it, every day." –Jimmy Fallon

"It was really sweet. Trump asked the kids what they want to be when they grew up, and then they asked Trump what he wants to be when he grows up." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a lot going on in Washington right now — Trump is working on a new budget, tax reform, healthcare, trade. So to make sure he doesn't forget anything he actually likes to set reminders on his phone. For example, he has this one reminder that says, 'Play Tetris to practice building the wall.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After alluding to a big tax reform announcement earlier this week, the White House finally released their tax plan and it was only a one-page-long document with very little information. It was a one-page memo — even Rachel Maddow was like, 'This is a huge disappointment.'" –James Corden

"The White House promised a big announcement. But keep in mind, even a one-page document looks very big in Donald Trump's tiny hands." –James Corden

"According to a new CNN poll, 44 percent of Americans approve of the job President Trump is doing as he approaches his 100th day in office. While the other 56 percent said, 'It's only been 100 days?!'" –Seth Meyers

April 26, 2017

"I want to say happy birthday to first lady Melania Trump, who turned 47 years old today! She plans to celebrate with her loved ones. And Donald." –Jimmy Fallon

"They celebrated like they always do: making sure Donald has something to unwrap too, so he doesn't feel left out." –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that the Republicans' spending package does not include any money for Trump's border wall. Then Trump told his secretary, 'Get me the CEO of Lego.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie says that he'd give Trump a 'B' on his first 100 days. Then said he'd give him an 'A' on immigration, and a 'C' on healthcare, and long story short, he ended up just spelling 'bacon.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That's right, one guy who could've been president — and Jeb Bush." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study says that the first humans to arrive in what is now North America may have been Neanderthals. Apparently they came here to vote in the 2016 election." –Conan O'Brien

"President Trump is considering opening federal park land to developers. In fact, builders have already broken ground on a Bed, Bath & Grand Canyon." –Conan O'Brien

"Today President Trump tweeted, 'Happy birthday to our first lady, Melania!' And this is historic — it's the first time Trump has said something nice to an immigrant." –Conan O'Brien

"The Associated Press revealed that President Trump has a single red button on his Oval Office desk that he can push at any time and have a butler bring him a Coke. And I think I speak for everyone when I say: Oh, THAT'S what the red button on his desk is for. Whew, thank God!" –James Corden

"Ivanka Trump is being criticized after it came out the workers at a Chinese factory who make her fashion line earn roughly $1 an hour. President Trump was pretty upset with Ivanka. He was like, 'Wait, you pay your workers?'" –James Corden

"President Trump unveiled his new tax plan today. And it's pretty much the same as his old plan: He's not gonna pay them." –Seth Meyers

"President Trump spoke on the phone with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau yesterday amidst increased tensions on trade. I'm guessing Trump wanted to trade ... faces?" –Seth Meyers

"According to reports, a group of buyers led by Jeb Bush and Derek Jeter has won the auction to purchase the Miami Marlins. Jeter is excited to get back to baseball, while Jeb is excited to get back to losing." –Seth Meyers

"Today was first lady Melania Trump's birthday. And after she blew out the candles, nobody had to ask what she wished for." –Seth Meyers

"Big news out of Washington, D.C., just this afternoon, as the White House finally released Trump's tax plan. That plan? Never release Trump's taxes." –Stephen Colbert

"The Trump administration has a very strong rationale for simplifying the tax code. 'In 1935, we had a one-page tax form consisting of 34 lines with two pages of instructions. Today, the basic 1040 form has 79 lines and 211 pages of instructions.' 1935 was the height of the Great Depression, so the two-page form was just 'Page 1: Do you have money? Yes or no.' And page 2 was so you would have something to eat." –Stephen Colbert

April 25, 2017

"President Trump did an interview the other day where he said he never realized that being president was such a big responsibility. And somewhere far, far away, Hillary Clinton crushed the wine glass she was holding." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump is asking Congress to fund his border wall, and there might be a government shutdown if they don't. Or as Trump put it, 'Hear that? The wall hasn't even been built, and it's already a HUGE obstacle.' Amazing how quickly that happened! Bigly!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was just vandalized again. As of tonight, police have narrowed down the list of suspects to 150 million people." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump hasn't visited a single foreign country in his first 100 days, while Obama had visited nine. And today, Trump was like, 'Quick, take me to Epcot! I need to bang out 10 countries ASAP.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. State Department has hired a female anchor from Fox News. However, the State Department described it as 'more of a rescue mission.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Top Republicans are now saying that Trump's border wall doesn't mean an actual wall, but a metaphor. Which makes sense, because during the campaign all those Trump supporters were shouting 'build the metaphor, build the metaphor!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Ivanka Trump was booed in Germany. Apparently she told the people of Berlin, 'Why would you get rid of a perfectly good wall?'" –Conan O'Brien

"In Germany, Ivanka Trump told a crowd that her father is a 'champion of supporting families' and she got booed. Ivanka said she was surprised; she has always been told to open with a joke." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's daughter, Ivanka Trump, was booed at a women's entrepreneurship summit in Germany on Tuesday when she described her father as 'a tremendous champion of supporting families.' You know you're on the wrong side of history when Germany's booing you." –James Corden

"President Trump spoke today at the National Holocaust Museum's National Day of Remembrance. He reminded the crowd that we must never forget the 6 million people who attended his inauguration." –Seth Meyers

"It was reported that President Trump spoke today at the Holocaust Museum, though Steve Bannon denies it." –Seth Meyers

"Since becoming president, Donald Trump has not left the country — he's barely left the country club. But today, Trump sent Ivanka to Berlin to participate in a women's conference, making her the first Trump to attend a women's conference that didn't include a swimsuit competition." –Stephen Colbert

"Ivanka spoke on a panel titled 'Inspiring Women: Scaling Up Women's Entrepreneurship.' And the Trump family has a long history of inspiring women — to march, to sue, to flee from a dressing room." –Stephen Colbert

"When Ivanka was talking about her father and how he was a champion of family leave, she was met with groans and hisses from the audience. Well, that's not fair. Trump obviously supports family leave. That's why he's always leaving one and starting another. " –Stephen Colbert

"Stateside, they've had trouble moving Ivanka's line of clothing, so they secretly relabeled it as Adrienne Vittadini. That's how unpopular the Trump name is — her clothing has been put in the Witness Protection Program." –Stephen Colbert

April 24, 2017

"This weekend was the big march for science. And there were a lot of animal rights activists protesting Trump's policies on endangered species. Trump was like, 'I love endangered species. That's why I refuse to drink the new unicorn Frappuccino at Starbucks.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Environmental activists say that Trump's border wall would disrupt the migration of hundreds of species. Animals were like, 'No problem. We'll just tunnel under it like everyone else.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump says now the wall will cost less than $10 billion, but it could be more if he makes it 'super-duper.' And taxpayers said, 'Wait a second. You never said it could be super-duper.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This Thursday, President Trump will be having dinner with the members of the Supreme Court. However, Mike Pence cannot attend because his wife won't let him dine with that temptress Ruth Bader Ginsburg." –Conan O'Brien

"Today, President Trump held separate phone conversations with the president of China and the prime minister of Japan. Trump was shocked to learn that those are two different people." –Conan O'Brien

"Saturday marks President Trump's first 100 days. Political analysts say that we are still in President Trump's 'honeymoon' phase. Which may account for that feeling that we're being repeatedly screwed." –Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, President Trump said he is 'mostly there' on fulfilling the promises of his first 100 days. Said Trump, 'Look, at this point, I've already accomplished 95 days.'" –Seth Meyers

"This week is National Volunteer Week. Said President Trump, 'So ... anybody wanna be president?'" –Seth Meyers

"Friday is Day 99 of the Trump administration, and we may have a government shutdown if Congress does not pass a budget. Trump is so desperate to have something to show for his first 100 days that he just threw in funding for the border wall, which may kill the bill and make the U.S. financially insolvent. So, Trump really is running the country like one of his businesses. " –Stephen Colbert

"Nothing matters to Donald Trump more than ratings. When Trump was asked if he planned to fire embattled press secretary Sean Spicer, he said, 'I'm not firing Sean Spicer, that guy gets great ratings. Everyone tunes in.' It's true. You can't tear your eyes away from Sean Spicer — it's like watching a car crash that knows nothing about the Holocaust." –Stephen Colbert

April 20, 2017

"Last night, Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock met with Trump in the Oval Office — or as they're more commonly known, 'The redneck Holy Trinity.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chelsea Clinton recently said that when her mom traveled, she would leave a note for her every day that she was gone. Though every day the note just read, 'Keep an eye on your father.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin visited the White House last night along with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. All three expressed their regrets that Honey Boo Boo couldn't make it." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Donald Trump hosted a dinner at the White House that was attended by Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock. The dinner was interrupted when an episode of 'Cops' broke out." –Conan O'Brien

"Today is 4/20. 4/20 is that special day of the year when everyone who smokes pot continues to smoke pot." –Conan O'Brien

"Today, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un warned that he might unleash a 'super mighty preemptive strike.' When she heard, Mrs. Kim Jong-un rolled her eyes and said, 'Trust me, I wouldn't worry about it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, President Trump had a very important meeting in the Oval Office with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. How the hell did they get into the White House? Kid Rock is not even allowed in a Waffle House." –Jimmy Kimmel

April 19, 2017

"Fox News announced that Bill O'Reilly has been fired, after his sexual harassment scandal. Experts say it is not likely that any self-respecting network will ever hire him — then CNN said, 'Welcome aboard!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Trump gave a speech in Wisconsin yesterday — he actually spoke in front of a giant flag made out of wrenches. When he heard he'd be speaking in front of a bunch of tools, he said, 'My Cabinet's gonna be there?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he'll keep costs down with his secret business trick called 'not paying for stuff.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Bill O'Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently O'Reilly violated Fox News's strict 11-woman limit." –Conan O'Brien

"Fox News fired Bill O'Reilly. The head of Fox News said, 'There's only one place for an angry old guy that demeans women, and that's the White House.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Bill O'Reilly is vacationing in Italy, and yesterday he was spotted at the Vatican, shaking hands with Pope Francis. Man, O'Reilly really will hit on anything in a dress." –Conan O'Brien

"Bill O'Reilly has been fired by Fox News. It's not that big of a surprise. We all saw this coming at us, you know, like an old man cornering an intern in the break room." –Stephen Colbert

"Fox issued an official statement this afternoon on O'Reilly's dismissal. I think they just took the Roger Ailes statement and just changed the nouns." –Stephen Colbert

"They celebrated O'Reilly's career, saying, 'By ratings standards, Bill O'Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news.' By rating stands he is. By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage." –Stephen Colbert

"Huge election last night in Georgia's 6th District. It was an unusual election. It was what's called a 'jungle primary,' because like every election this year, it will probably end in madness and cannibalism." –Stephen Colbert

"Sure enough, Ossoff only got 48.1 percent of the vote. If he had gotten over 50 percent of the vote, he would have won outright, but he got less than the majority, so now I think he gets to be president of the United States. Is that how it works?" –Stephen Colbert