Buddha


I AM THE LEAN-MEAN PROPHET OF GOD!
Gautama Buddha
Born	480 BC (age 2499 in 2019)
Nationality	Currynigger
Occupation	Prince, playboy, bored richfag, wannabe New Age guru
Religion name	Buddhism
Preceded by	Moses
Followed by	Jesus Christ
Current location	Kushinagar, India
Nicknames	Siddartha Gautama Siddartha "Levitating on Edge of Cliff" Gautama Siddartha "Is He Fat or Skinny?" Gautama Emaciated As Fuck Fat Cunt The Enlightener Jabba the Hutt Manuel Uribe Sr. The 600lb sage The 90lb Bush Hermit

Buddha didn't die for your sins. Moar liek HNNNNNNGGGGG!

Buddha^卐 (Powerword: Siddhartha Gautama, Sanskrit: गर्हित स्त्रीभग) was a chappy and former prince in India who had a look about and thought to himself "this life is pretty shite tbh" and so decided to sit down and have a little think about meaning and purpose and shit. After a few years, he hadn't really concluded much but he did find that if he sat about for a long time and stopped thinking about horrible shit then he felt a bit better. Buddha was a lazy cunt and didn't want to acknowledge the fact that he'd wasted his life fapping under a tree and in his palace. So he made up some cock and balls about karma and rebirth and whatnot and begged people for rice in return for enlightenment. Over the years the Buddha's elaborate trolling gathered quite a following. Bell ends from every corner of curry land signed up, and each brought their own superstitions and ideas. Soon enough Buddhism had evolved from "sitting down and not thinking about how shit you are" to what it is today: a refuge for closeted faggots and sexually repressed life failers.

Actually the point of Buddhism is just to relax your body so it isn't tense which creates pain. It's the middle way between nihilism (not caring about anything) and stressing out or becoming anxious and depressed over every little thing. Total relaxation means automatic win, whether you die or live, exist or not exist, commit suicide or murder—it doesn't matter. I've seen people practicing this: the end result is their body resembles hollow space. But this is a mistake. Tension makes people's bodies resemble a clenched fist. The body's middle is like full of a very fine dust or fog. This fills you with tremendous bliss. The path that I know of is this: extreme dissatisfaction to motivate extreme effort to motivate total relaxation to learn extreme relaxation. You can skip any previous step if and only if you can do the next step without the previous. Practicing total relaxation is automatic win, so that's the easiest thing possible. Practicing correct relaxation can be done by using a mantra like "I wonder [what to do]," keeping the mind and eyes open. It protects you from stress and depression, because you wonder whether you should really get involved/feed the phenomenon, but it also protects you from nihilism because you doubt whether total relaxation is really a good idea have an excuse to sit on your ass all day and become intellectually and socially retarded.

A word from the same editor: I had a long conversation with a 15-year-old monk who wished to remain anonymous. Apparently many Buddhist monks are child-abusing pedophiles! He said it happens at practically every monastery. Not all Buddhists are bad (I am a Buddhist) but these people have to be exposed and stopped! It's not consensual sex, the kids are coerced, manipulated, pressured, forced into sex! And no one talks about it or exposes it for some reason, probably because they feel guilty for tarnishing the reputation of Buddhism, which is responsible for so much good in the world. We need to get the word out on the internet and IRL and expose these creeps! I've emailed Buddhist organizations, called news agencies, and notified the FBI and CIA. Please help expose these guys if you can. Thank you for listening.

Noteworthy: For a long time the Buddha would not let women in his following, insisting that they should remain in the kitchen (fact). He also maintained that homosexuals could not attain enlightenment (another fact).

Even more noteworthy: In the Vinaya Pitika (rules) there is a passage that details the punishment for auto-sodomy (buttfucking yourself) and one BADMUN monk is cited as a perpetrator (fact)

More noteworthy still: some argue that since Buddhism does not have a revered deity, it is not a religion, but a philosophy, despite the large number of enchanted guest stars present that would clearly indicate otherwise. The vast majority of people, however, do not care about this hipster cult.

Complete Biography[edit]

Buddha was born Siddy Gaudy, a prince in northern India. After seeing a hobo, a funeral, and a holy man on the same day, he got pissed and left his wife and kids. This practice of ditching your so-called loved ones for would soon become popular among black persons in the 1970s, '80s and '90s. He joined a group of ascetics, who were the cutters and pro-ana of his time. He sat around all day listening to depressing sitar music, writing emo poems about how his parents didn't understand, and not eating (which is really easy to do in India). After a while, he noticed this was retarded, and decided to ~~just meditate~~ and eat some shrooms under a tree. After having some crazy visions and shitting bricks, he apparently achieved enlightenment after finding himself, making him the happiest hopped up druggy motherfucker evar. He did not, however, die for your sins, because sin hadn't been invented yet and he was too lazy to get off his fat ass to invent them anyway. Now, he is worshiped by leftards all over the world to show their mommies and daddies how trendy they are.

Buddha rocked Abraham hard.

Followers of Buddha[edit]

Despite Buddha himself being reportedly perfect in every way (except for his brief fat and ana phases), his followers often manage to be fucktarded douchebags. For example, his fans at Buddhists can generally be found whining about trolling, telling people that they're going to hell, and taking the internet way too seriously. Other popular online Buddhist activities include creating failed communities and babbling about completely irrelevant shit for no apparent reason.

Only the Chinese azn retards depict Buddha as a fatty, since they never considered that living on hemp seeds alone and spending all your time meditating and sleeping in the woods doesn't leave you many opportunities to become Jabba the Hutt. These fat dickheads often display such "art" in their American restaurants, where they avoid the total lack of talent that would have doomed them to starvation in China by serving the Chinese equivalent of a ham and cheese sandwich and charging 20 bucks for it. Their "Buddha" statues help to support the idea that just because you're morbidly obese from a diet of beer and deep-fried Cheetos doesn't mean you can't achieve eternal bliss and start one of the largest religions in world history. Enjoy your SARS and bird flu, Chinafags.

U guyz i am ttly deep an sprtual![edit]

Buddhism is a popular trend among filthy stinking hippies and morbidly obese psychic mediums; owing to the fact that it is vaguely exotic and lets the believer look deep and intelligent without having to provide any further evidence. Despite the huge numbers of devotees, most of these incense-reeking robe-wearing bongmonkeys have absolutely no idea what Buddhism is- upon being prompted, the reply will be to the effect of "whoah man, it's like, and yeah, mystical and yeah". One could attribute the total ignorance to the fact that these are the same people that believe in crystal healing and fornication with plant life, and one would likely be correct. Their complete ignorance of all aspects of the doctrine will not, however, prevent them from ostentatiously displaying statues of Buddha.

Buddha - The Original Emo[edit]

Buddhists believe that "duhkha", or suffering, is the fundamental truth of existence. According to some fgt named Rupert Gethin, "The Buddha taught that all life is suffering, and the only way to escape suffering is to escape from life."

Translated: Everything sucks and you should permaban yourself IRL. Why more Buddhists do not do this is unknown, but it would sure be nice if they did. Of course, one reason is that Buddhism teaches that if you become an hero, then you'll just reincarnate somewhere, possibly somewhere worse, and you might incarnate as another Chris-chan. Buddhism teaches that escape from life is from complete apathy to everything, even pain, and you get that way through insight. But anyone reaching that level of insight would simply achieve godlike powers like what L. Ron Hubbard claims Scientology can get you, and you don't hear of anyone robbing banks through telekinesis, so you know Buddhist meditation does not work.