Chris-chan
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This person has Assburgers Syndrome, so you can't say anything bad! :-( Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck. |
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Chris-Chan (Real name: Christine Weston Chandler; formerly Christian Weston Chandler and Christopher Weston Chandler but more popularly known as "That Fat, Disgusting Fuck"; b. February 24, 1982: Age 37) is a fat, stupid, perverted, religious, autistic, basement-dwelling, racist, homophobic, transgender, pedophile, self-proclaimed (ex-) "virgin with rage", manchild, and creator of his own skillfully-written as well as skillfully-drawn series of comics starring "Sonichu": his supremely retarded hybrid of Pikachu and Sonic the Hedgehog.
The most notable physical characteristic of Chris, beyond the obvious corpulence, and his tranny operations that only succeeded in giving him a pair of pendulous man tits, is that he wears a medallion made out of crayola FUCKIN' MODEL MAGIC and acrylic paint at all times in homage to his yellow Sonic re-color. In public. As if that weren't lame enough, Chris-chan actually has a shitload of medallions: The blachu, and the "Rosechu" medallion (which he planned on giving to his sweetheart), suggesting that he has far too much free time on his hands. Which, of course, he does, because who the fuck would sit around on their fat ass all day coloring-in comic book pages if they had anything better to do with their lives?
Eventually, after years of trolling, Chris began asking for donations from people to continue his projects. The hapless retards of the net—idiotically thinking that sending Chris cash was "milking the lolcow"—actually began complying with these requests and sending him upwards of $100 and calling it "trolling." It seems that, in the end, Chris actually became the troll by milking countless dipshits out of their monies... This is why you shouldn't let your autistic children on the internet.
Contents
- 1 The Beginning
- 2 CWC vs. ED
- 3 Chris-Chan: The (Former) Man, the IRL Creepiness
- 4 Chris the Jailbird
- 5 Chris-Chan's Virginity: Lost?
- 6 Coming out of the closet
- 7 January 10th, 2014: House fire
- 8 Back to the Present
- 9 CWC vs. The Donald
- 10 E-Begging
- 11 Chris Chan's plan To Support The Troops On 9/11
- 12 Most Efficiant Way To Troll Chris
- 13 Chris Chan Has Super Powers
- 14 June 23, 2018: The Ban from Too Many Games
- 15 The Near Future Eulogy For Christian/Christine Weston Chandler
- 16 Nicknames
- 17 See Also
- 18 External Links
The Beginning[edit]
| —Rhyme made up by girls to taunt Chris in High School | ||
Our journey begins in 2007 when Sonichu was first discovered on 4chan. Intrigued by what kind of feeble, autistic mind could create such a thing, the users tracked down Chris and all his associated online accounts. In response, Chris shrewdly decided to establish his lolcow status right away by posting a rambling video containing a wide variety of content such as why smoking and drinking are bad, how girls should use Transformers action figures to seduce boys, and—in what would become extremely ironic years later—how heterosexuality and binary gender roles are an absolute must. The video also confirmed his delusional status as he desribed it as educational and hoped it would be played in at least two schools. Throughout the entire video Chris proudly wears a Sonichu necklace, which would eventually become well known as the unofficial sign of autism of the internet.
CWC vs. ED[edit]
 |
Chris' newly created e-infamy, of course, drew the attention of Encyclopedia Dramatica and an article was promptly written about him. Chris discovered his article and decided to follow the same track he did with 4chan and confronting ED rather than simply ignoring it. At first, Chris tried tampering with his article while logged in as "Reldnahc" which is obviously "Chandler" (his last name) spelled backwards. Before erasing the entire article, Chris actually contributed by adding information that he hadn’t submitted anywhere else. Most of his additions were chunks of text from uncited sources which included how Megan “shattered his heart”, and printouts of the Sonichu News Dash: a shitty newsletter about his comic which he also distributed at PVCC that landed him in another apparent conflict with Mary Lee Walsh.
To make matters worse, he also uploaded Rule 34 of his own characters.
Later, when the context of the article finally dawned on Chris, he snapped. He created another account and tried blanking the page several times. CWC blames Encyclopedia Dramatica for breaking up the relationship between him and Megan despite the fact that she was never his girlfriend. Just another lying attempt to make ED feel troll's remorse. Chris then uploaded a video to YouTube in which he congratulated all of his non-existent Sonichu fans whom he mistakenly believed brought ED down and further urged them not to donate to ED while failing to realize that ED's downtime was due to an issue related to the website as a whole, and not related to any drama around his article.
Chris' plea for his fans to not donate to ED flopped because the only people who pay any attention to Chris are precisely the ones who helped ED reach its donation goal on August 14, 2008.
Later, Chrissy would post yet another video to the tubes demanding that the page and discussion page be deleted, or else he wouldn't be making any more of his sweet, sweet comics for his ten fans to enjoy. He then stated that much like the old adage: "Too many cooks spoil the broth", ED had too many CROOKS. And that "every single word on his ED page was a crook".
After standing in an anime pose with his fist in the air, Chris then Hulked the fuck out and proceeded to beat the shit out of a Raggedy Ann doll with a picture of Clyde Cash taped to its face, and that more RAAAAAAAGE would follow if his ED page wasn't taken down posthaste.
The beast can be unleashed here (or not, it has since been baleeted). Even youlube.cum doesn't want him on their site.
So, before we go any further, you have to be wondering: Who the fuck is this guy? Don't worry, you've come to the right place for answers.
Chris-Chan: The (Former) Man, the IRL Creepiness[edit]
Chris was born Christopher Weston Chandler in Charlottesville, Virginia and raised in Ruckersville, Virginia. Diagnosed with autism as a young child, this diagnosis would prove itself true when he had his first name legally changed to Christian in 1994 after hearing a guy (possibly a pedophile) in a bear costume mispronounce it. An article in the local paper about the name change described the then 11-year-old Chris' social development as being that of a seven or eight-year-old (it would never change from that point). Chris did, however, manage to graduate high school and even got an associate degree in computer aided drafting and design from a local community college. Given the quality of his later work, it appears that Virginia community colleges actually baffle science by being somehow shittier than people would already believe a "Virginia community college" to be. Aside from earning his associate's degree he did also earn his first ban as he got expelled for posting creepy as fuck posters that advertised for "cute single 18-21 year old female companions" with pictures of Sonichu on them (and displaying his homophobia by also telling men seeing the sign to "MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS!").
On MySpace, (yes, this story begins a long time ago), Chris posted his quest for a "boyfriend-free girl" and his stalking tendencies. Unfortunately for him, every woman on the planet appears to have a boyfriend. This has led to what Chris dubs "noviophobia" — in Chris's bastardized high school Spanish interpretation, he inserts "novio" which essentially means boyfriend, before the Greek root phobia, committing a facepalm-worthy portmanteau that is almost nonsensical enough to make you forget that of all things in the world, Chris has a paralyzing fear of boyfriends. Chris claims to hate every male besides himself and his father, because they "took all the pretty girls leaving [him] with no one to choose from".
| —Chris-chan spills the beans | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
He employed his famous "looking for a boyfriend-free girl" sign in two places: the Fashion Square Shopping Center and Piedmont Virginia Community College. The dean, Mary Lee Walsh, reasonably assumed that Chris was publicly soliciting for sex, had the sign destroyed and banned him from the school for a year. Since then, he has become obsessed with her and depicts her within his comic as a bald witch with a viking helmet, a pitchfork, a scepter to contain her evil anti-love powers, and occasionally a broomstick. We all know he fantasizes about having said broomstick in his ass, but that is another story.
Chris has also shown his hatred towards Mary on several other occasions. He made a hilarious 
video asking for fictional character Harvey Dirdban's (not Birdman) assistance to fight "THAT EVIL BITCH MARY LEE WALSH FOREVAR!!1" in a contest for Adult Swim. He also made a video of him fighting Mary Lee Walsh as a custom character in Soul Calibur III. Despite his hate for Walsh, he still took the time with his Magic Markers to make hideous porn of her, due to the fact that he secretly wants to diddle her poo hole. You know you want to see it.
Chris's Love Quest was also foiled by Security Guards of Fashion Square Shopping Center. He was handcuffed and kicked out by Jerkops (half jerk, half cops) "for trying to attract a Boyfriend-Free Girl".
Christian claims to have started his ill-begotten love quest because he wants a daughter whom he will "dubly" call Crystal Weston Chandler (apparently after the illustrious metal). He made her in the form of one of his My Little Pony figures (from his own pubic hair, mind you), and made a separate file in the game Animal Crossing, and played as her.
The person we know the most about is Megan Schroeder who had a huge influence on the comic and Chris himself. She remarked that the antagonist of one of the Sailor Moon movies came off as "kind of queer", possibly influencing Chris's homophobia.
One example of the Chris-induced drama is the blog entry where a girl describes her encounter with Chris as he was wandering stores in search of his true love in late 2004, which can be viewed here.
Chris changes love interests far more frequently than he changes his underwear; it is speculated that he has fallen in "true love" around 50 times.
Trolled IRL[edit]
Trolling of Chris-chan has crossed the OL border into IRL. Whether internet vigilantes are trying to expose him for the psycho stalker he really is or if they fap to picking on retards, it's uncertain.
- The Game Place, a store where he volunteered, was soon subject to his antics when anon took several photos of him. See here for Chris QQing.
- An old classmate of Chris, Joshua Martinez, did some trolling. Chris knew him from his old school (Joshua and Chris both had Special Ed together), recently met up with him again and was getting along fine. Apparently, Joshua was very popular with women and had met some famous celebrities. For some reason, Chris became extremely jealous and even tried to get ED to go after him. Note that Chris only values Joshua's friendship because he's popular with women, and that by being friends with him he might end up getting laid. Unfortunately for Chris, even other special education kids will fuck with him. The chick that Joshua was supposed to hook him up with was just Joshua trolling him with a picture of Vanessa Hudgens. CLICK HERE for Chris-chan unwittingly fapping to Joshua.
- A girl IRL pranked Chris on a fake date. CLICK HERE to see Chris-chan get taken down to 15%.
- Though trolling in this next case started online, it quickly moved into IRL. Chris had started a relationship with an e-girlfriend called Blanca. On September 11, 2008, another troll going by the same name was really a
black man in a pickle costume and managed to score horrific nudes. WARNING: DON'T LOOK AT IT.
- On October 7, 2008, "Blanca" managed to get the medallions and destroy them.
Chris the Jailbird[edit]
The GAMe PLACe (later known as Cville's Hobbies, Games, and Toys and defunct as of June 2014) was a comic, gaming, and hobby store located in Charlottesville, Virginia where Chris played Pokémon, Yu-Gi-Oh!, and other games that the DSM-5 officially lists as autism spectrum disorder symptoms. Chris was a regular for many years (unfailing showing up wearing his Sonichu medallion) where he became well known for scaring little kids, throwing bitch-fits when he lost (which other regulars say was often), and threatening to fight other patrons (who apparently did not simply beat his ass down because they found him to pathetic). It was also here that Chris was to meet the ill-fated Megan Schroeder. Although he had received a temporary ban before, Chris eventually found himself permabanned in 2008 after getting into a racist screaming match with a black patron. Despite intervention from his long suffering mother, neither of them were able to convince manager Michael Snyder to allow him back into the store.
As it had worked so well in the past, Chris took to YouTube in 2009 to make a half-assed apology and begging to be let back into the store. Not surprisingly, the video failed to change any hearts or minds; not that its intended audience probably saw it anyway.
After years of relative quiet, Chris and his mother, Barbara (aka "Snorlax"), were arrested on 28 October 2011. Chris was charged with assault and trespassing at the GAMe PLACe, while Barbara, on top of that, was charged with hit-and-run after she attempted to run Michael Snyder over in the parking lot (the second time this has happened), before driving off. When Ma Barker and her thug life son were soon pulled over not far from the store, Barbara attempted to defend her precious child and was subsequently charged with assaulting an officer.
Chris attempted to have charges dropped in court on 7 November. Although he apparently kept his mouth shut and didn't sperg out, he still received no mercy from the District Attorney and not a single charge was dropped. We have no idea if he plead nolo contendere, guilty, not guilty by reason of insanity" or Shut Up, Judge!!!' It would turn out our hero, Michael Snyder, alled for a civil trial against both Christard and Snorlax. Chris returned to court on 15 December but fuck all happened; apparently he whined to the judge that he'd only just gotten a lawyer and needed moar time to prepare, and got a delay until 5th January. He brought his 3DS with him and anons from /cwc/ attending the hearing were able to obtain his StreetPass Mii. Even that's a fucking tomgirl. On January 5th, he got yet another postponement, so he could finish leveling up some pokeymans in his game instead of going directly to jail. The court set a subsequent hearing date for 5 April 2012, with each of them facing a potential minimum sentence of one year and a maximum sentence of ten years.
The only way his “get-out-of-jail-for-free-card” could work to somewhat to his advantage would be due to this incident reeking of autistic fuck up and the court would find him incapable of functioning as a normal adult and therefore not responsible for his actions and would then commit him to a mental health facility, likely for most of his remaining adult life. As for Barbara, if the court found her guilty, it is likely the 70-year-old wouldn't survive her prison sentence.
Here's Christard's Version, Straight from the Horse's Ass[edit]
I tell about us two landing in jail. During a usual, yettiring, shopping outting with my mother, we had just stopped at the Salvation Army story on Cherry Ave and left with a few purchases. She impulsively asked to go to the SPCA Rummage Sale, and I ended up taking 4 St. NW to stop by the McDonalds there for a cup of tea to go, when at the PLACe, now known as "C-Ville Game & Hobby" (status unchanged on the PLACe website), mom and I read the sign on the window that led me to an occurrence I was waiting for, the PLACe under New Ownership (with burning it down being the alternative). So, I continue ahead for the tea, and mom asked for a smoothie. On an impulse of the newfound piece of freedom, I drove back to the PLACe, upon closer inspection, I read the "New Owner" sign further, stating, "Under New Ownership of Mike & Madeline"; I had thought, perhaps it was another Mike. Mom insisted on coming in with me, so we did, and a few steps in, who did our eyes see in the new center counter, past employee Nathan, and Michael Snyder. I hid behind my mother for a moment, and Mike pointed us out the door, but before leaving, I whipped out my 3DS, activated its camera and took his photo, then I shouted, "For the Internet". Mom and I made our way to the van and entered it; Mike followed us out, and Stood right in front of the van, thinking he was Stonewall Jackson. We backed up the van some; Mike chased us. Mom took the wheel; Mike twice made his own deliberate leg scars, rubbing his legs on our bumper, banged our hood and fell backwards; we had NOT moved our van at either instance of him faking his falls. And more shit happened. Mom called 911 on my phone first (followed shortly after by Mike being handed a phone by someone else for him to make his call. Eventually, mother backed us out onto 4 St. NW, northward, and we escaped. But at the traffic light, we were caught up by a cop car. Parked at the nearby courthouse, two of the cop cars, and us in the van, exchanged the tales of the event and our driver licenses. Eventually, I was asked to step out of the van; I was about to be handcuffed, but I would not have another handcuffing, so I fought, I was pinned, and I was handcuffed. My NEW pair of $324 Rx lens glasses were broken by THEM in the fight. My mother fought the police in my defense, and she was handcuffed and I was emotionally distraught, I screamed and Screamed and SCREAMED, until an ambulance came for my mother to take her to UVA Hospital; she was okay, but her Blood Pressure was high. I was driven to, entered and thrown into a cell block. At first for a while, I was as melodramatic and sane as Daria, then I started going crazy, I shouted television talk and songs at random; took off my shirt due to the heat; pretended to be a genie with light brown hair for a while, and made an acquaintance with the stainless steel sink with a hex-shaped bowl. I prayed a LOT to Jesus for my release and safe return home with my mother. And I banged the cell door with both my feet while lying on a folding mattress on the floor (to get those bastards to let me see and talk to my mother Eventually, my mother arrived, tried to post bail, but there were errors. Rocky was called to help us, BLESS her and her husband soo much. Then my mother was jumpsuited and jailed; I was too shortly before. And I was moved to two other cells. Only after seeing my mother in her suit pass by my second cell, did I start to calm down. I was REALLY WORRIED about my mother and her health. She Needed Me, and I Needed Her. Eventually in cell 3, I dozed off and slept for a few hours. I did not eat their food; I had Never eaten Prison Food, and I was NOT going to start then. About 3 PM on the 29th, mom and I were released, and Rocky and her husband drove us back to our van. Now mom and I each have our own courthouse dates. I'm sure mom will be only fined, but I have the worse of cases. Mom and I, we are certain I will be found not guilty; it was a case of a Deliberate Deception, with the "New Ownership" sign from Michael, and my falling for his trap. I later printed out the facts of Mike from the Cwcki that night, and I found the "CWC Michael Snyder Interview" video on YouTube, where the clown-faced troll called Mike; Michael Snyder CONFESSES to Wanting to lure me in and land me in jail with a "Pokemon Tournament on the 22nd". I have streamed from my PS3 to my Laptop to get an MP4 of the video, and to burn the video onto a DVD-R. With this great amount of evidence, we will find Michael Guilty of being a Troll/Cyber Bully among those who have been pestering, deceiving, tricking, blackmailing, etc, me for about 4 years now. That's the story I share with you, REDACTED, in Strictest Confidence; DO NOT TELL ANYONE, PLEASE. Do not ask; Do not tell; Barbara and I are working diligently to deal with this. Currently, her court date is set on 12/15; mine is yet to be determined on 11/7, but it'll probably be on the same day as my mother's. We have also been blessed with connections from Rocky at my church to have Robert B. Bell, Delegate, Republican, Methodist Esquire to represent Barbara and me in both of our cases. It may help to have you come in for support on my trial, and as a character witness. I will send you an update later on.
- Stay Safe, REDACTED, - Christian W. Chandler
The Verdict[edit]
Chris's Pastoral Councillor Rocky "Bullwinkle" Shoemaker revealed details of the Chandlers living conditions to a suave, British troll named "Doctor Perron" (who turns out to be notorious fundie creatard troll "Chris the Hacker"). Apparently, Not only is the Chandler residence a rubbish heap of hoarded junk... it is also suffering an undefined "infestation problem" and that "bug bites" are part of the reason the Great Lumberjack went off to that sawmill in the sky. He was even under quarantine immediately before his death.
Click here for audio of the phonecall: http://www.mediafire.com/?s1o5yaa51ga7lpc
The charges for the trespassing and assault were eventually dropped,
Michael, being extraordinarily magnanimous under the circumstances, managed to get the court to accept a plea bargain because he didn't want Chris or his mother to have felony charges on their record. Both the Chandlers plead guilty (while still endorsing their version of events as the factual one) to a reduced set of charges on the condition that they pay Michael's medical bills. Chris, gracious as ever, responded to the judge's question of whether or not he understood the terms and conditions of the plea bargain with:
| —Chris-Chan, showing his gratitude. | ||
Barbara and Chris were both sentenced to one year community service with Barb also getting two years probation and Chris getting one (along with required mental health treatment) with jail sentences being suspended as long as the terms of the plea deal were followed. Snyder was also awarded a permanent (i.e. two year) restraining order against Chris and also dropped his civil suit against the Chandlers since the payment of his medical bills was already stipulated by the court as a requirement of the plea bargain. Chris, of course, responded to Snyder's generosity by posting reviews of GAMe PLACe on Google under a million different sockpuppets in which he called Snyder a "registered sex offender" and complained that he discriminated against autistic people as well as creating flyers stating that GAMe PLACe was where "Cyber bullies' hang-out" and encouraging people to stay away. Keep it classy, Chris.
Remember, Christard... keep your fat ass to the wall and bend with the knees! (But we all know he's going to drop the soap on purpose.)
Chris Assaults GameStop Employee, or Retard Assaults Employee 2: Electric Boogaloo[edit]
| —Battlecry of CWC. | ||
Attention Everyone!!! To preface what has happened recently, I simply remind everyone that Sonic The Hedgehog's Arms Are Not Freaking Blue!!! If #SEGA had Never changed them, or reversed the change between February and November of this year in the new Sonic Boom video games AND Cartoon Series on Cartoon Network, as well as the Toys and whatever else, I would Never Have Had to Protest and Rebel the way I have, including the creation of my group, FIX SONIC'S ARMS IMMEDIATELY, SEGA!!! Within my groups, I have lead by example to push forward to the path of Waking SEGA Up and Forcing Them to Change Sonic's Arm Colour Back Immediately. And to confess, I HAVE DONE MY PART FOR REAL! I had personally gone into three of the four local GameStops (EXCLUDING the Fashion Square one) THREE TIMES to Personally Protest in my Silent Way. First Attack: I printed, as seen on the Facebook Group, the Fronts of the Sonic Boom Game Inserts, affixed double-sided tape onto the backs, and affixed them onto the fronts of their respective display game boxes on the shelves. Second Attack, about a week later: I checked the success of my first attack: damaged a few original inserts pretty well to full removal. And of what were still there, I made attempts to transfer the inserts from the original cases into Behind the inserts of different games. I've had to briefly explain my reasons and the Protest, and told them that they should NOT BE SELLING THE BLUE_ARM_BANDIT GAMES IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND THAT THEY SHOULD SEND ALL OF THEIR REMAINING STOCK OF SONIC BOOM GAMES AND STUFF BACK TO SEGA, TO MAKE THEM CHANGE SONIC'S ARM COLOUR BACK IMMEDIATELY!!! They did nothing. And one last week later, the Third and Final Attack, and the ONE and ONLY time that the Fashion Square Location had been involved as well. I made up and printed faux price tag decals, with the short note to discourage purchase of the Blue Arm Bandit games, and promote the Protesting Boycott. And with the Five Wii U software cases that each melted a bit from the MY House Fire Last January, as well as Five Smoke Damaged 3DS Game Cases (no melting), I had printed a full front, side and back insert with the boycott encouragements, and the notes on the back to make the stores send their remaining stock Back To SEGA! I Have ran into individuals giving me Bad Grief for my Protest and Actions, OUTSIDE from the Fashion Square Location, but I HAVE done my duty in full to the best of my abilities at the individual moments and circumstances. I also HAD Hidden ALL of the Blue Armed Sonic Toys at Toys ''R'' Us here, concealed hidden amongst their \M/ETAL cupboards, so they ALL would NOT be SOLD, and Best Boycotted for The Protest! They remained hidden for the longest time of over a Month; found and reshelved near the 20th of December to my personal dismay and crestfall. And at Best Buy, ALL Copies of THEIR Sonic Boom Games are STILL SUCCESSFULLY CONCEALED AND HIDDEN from View AND Purchase! Anyhow, AFTER the Final Attack for the Protest, near a week later, on December 8, I had typed, signed, addressed and US Mailed apology letters, with the promise to have been done with my In Person Protest Deeds with No Further Action therein, to ALL but the Fashion Square GameStop, and I had sent one to Toys R Us as well. I had thought the FS GS would overlook the ONE attack of Protest on them, but obviously, I was mistaken. Which brings us up to now. Last Friday, the 26th, my mother and I were at the mall, getting pizza and spaghetti for lunch. She had informed me of a good Mini Refrigerator deal at Sears, so after eating, I made my way to check it out. NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED AT SEARS, and I went NOWHERE NEAR JCPENNY that day. There was a good 3.1 Cubic Foot Fridge for $129.99 that caught my eye, but that is to be purchased later. On the way to Sears, I peeked into the GameStop, and I spotted a New Skylander Figure: Blastermind. I was set to buy it, and I was going to consider checking out their Wii U Preowned Software selection in their 3 for 2 deal. Innocent; I was NOT Looking for Trouble. But then this MALE Loomed out in front of me, frightened the crap out of me, and he said in a BOOMING VOICE that ONLY scared me worse, "YOU ARE BANNED FROM HERE. YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW." But still determined to continue my shopping, I veered into the Wii U direction, when his female accomplice startled me and boomed in as well. Still feeling frightened and mentally overloaded, I made a grab for my pepper spray to use In Defense. I offered a few Peaceful solutions, but she ended up sending him to go get security. So, I shouted, "Fine! I'm Leaving", and I dropped the figure. And on my way out, I told the MALE to Not Get Anyone, and we both stopped near simultaneous. I still felt my own worse from wear with the fear, startle, paranoia, and I did NOT want him following me and causing more trouble upon me. And then in my defense and to make my escape, I spritzed a miniscule amount of the pepper spray Downward; NOT into his face. And then I left. I did not learn until much later that the spritz had done a lot worse than I had imagined it would, as well as learning that they were the so-called "Manager" and "Ass Manager" of that particular store. I had No Idea of the contents of the Pepper Spray, OR that it was Illegal for use in certain situations in the state of Virginia at all. And, I HAD tried the stuff on myself days before in the upstairs bathroom. A Two Second Spray onto my left wrist, some of it got onto the bath tub wall as well. Like sampling a perfume or deodorant. It Took Me Out damn well. I had to open the windows, turn on the bathroom fan AND aim the box fan into the bathroom to air the place out, and I wiped the wall off as well, and OF COURSE I washed my hands. It took fifteen to thirty minutes to make it bearable in there again. In the end, Yes, I went along peacefully when the "Police" arrived to collect me, and I had to spend a miserable weekend in Jail. And I just got out on a bond and bail; yada, yada, yada. In the END, I WAS the Victim; I did not cause the original provoking; The "Assistant Manager" Made the First Attack ONTO ME and Provoked my defensive response. I was Minding My Own Business; NOT Looking for Trouble, and then HE Startled Me, similar to a potential Rapist in a Dark Alley in a big city. ANY of you would have done the same as I Have in Defense AND Escape! And we can SUE SEGA for Changing Sonic's Arm Colour and Ultimately, this MALE getting Pepper Sprayed! Think About It Seriously! And my Protest Actions are NOT acts of "Vandalism", regardless of your individual perceptions. It was NOT Vandalism, but Good Protest when in around 2004, At Fashion Square, I tried their NEW Soda machines with a credit-debit card slot, and then I learned of the FIVE DOLLAR SURCHARGE that brought my bank account into the Freaking Red! I subtly Posted Sticky Note Signs onto each machine shortly after, "This Machine Charges You Five Dollars per Card Use". A few days later, the Original Machines returned! Nobody gave ME Any Freaking Grief or Complaints at all about that! AND if you REALLY want to see the Whole Mess Happen, go find the Security Tape of the time of Point A, my finding Blastermind to Point B of my departure from the store. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a LOT of much required Packing to Take Care Of. Good Day.
BLUE ARMS! Chris-tran drops the soap[edit]
| —U mad bro...? | ||
Throughout late fall and winter of 2014, Chris-Tran (now newly rechristened as "Christine") had been ranting incessantly about Sonic Boom being the worst thing to happen to the world since Michael Jackson became white. While Boom and all other things Sonic in the past twenty years do suck like a donkey taint rimjob, he/she's not mad at the game for any technical, gameplay, or artistic issues. The non-binary Lolcow Wonder is mad because Sonic's arms were changed from peach-colored to blue: an aesthetic change so minor it wouldn't warrant a Troper's Tales discussion.
By all rights, this shouldn't have even warranted a bit in this article, but our autistic hero went full Islamic State with the blue arms thing. He issued repeated calls for boycotts, violence, and terrorism on his Facebook page going on and on about "sensory overload" as if he even knows what those words mean individually. Things finally boiled over sometime around Christmas 2014 when he vandalized a local Sonic Boom display, harassing GameStop employees, and landing the faggiest pepper spray attack in the history of American criminal law on a random guy while leaving the store. All of this was caught on video.
Chris was picked up by police a short time later sat in jail until his court date which was 29 December 2014 and charged with a 6th degree felony. His mom bailed him out, Chris returned to court on February 5th, his case was delayed until April 2nd, then again until May 7th, and then again until June 11, then again until July 23rd, and then ONCE MORE until October 15. While we all wished that the courts would just find him guilty and imprison the fucker already, after seven friggin' hearings, Chris was eventually let off with just a few hundred dollars in fines and another suspended sentence on the stipulation that he won't violate his probation again.
Chris Gets Permabanned From GameStop[edit]
Since the macing incident Chris has been bawing to the corporate office hoping to overturn his ban at the one store claiming at one point that it was transphobia. In an act of pure lulzy irony Gamestop told Chris that not only is he banned from that one store but "statewide".
| —GameStop, telling Chris he is batshit insane. | ||
Chris Isn't Even Good Enough for Walmart[edit]
Chris, not smart enough to keep his aspie ass out of public while waiting for his day in court for the previous incident, decided that two retailers wasn't enough and decided to add America's largest retailer—Walmart—to résumé à la ban just one week after the GameStop incident. Chris would later brag about this in an online conversation in which he called himself a "badass," yet clutched his trannie pearls when the manager asked him to leave. Once again he threatened the staff with pepper spray. When asked why he carries it, he claimed that he's constantly harassed by trolls, bullies, etc. Once again, it's everyone's fault except Chris. And it's highly doubtful that trolls are able to pepper spray anyone across the internet (though if someone does figure out how to do that please leave detailed instructions on the TJC).
Fragile feminine soul Chris Christine Chandler discussed the Walmart banishment in January 2015 during his annual State of the Chris-Chan Union Address, in which he also revealed that he may possibly be also unwelcome at his local Target, thus thankfully removing him from the only two locations autists find potential mates (aside from Comic-Con). He feels only TWO offenses should result in automatic banishment. Threatening to mace employees should be forgivable IF you're having a BAD DAY, along with other things people typically do while having a bad day, such as perhaps urinating on the cantaloupes or attempting sexual acts with underage Betta fish. As far as we are aware, Chris' sage opinions on the topic of banishment have yet to persuade these two multi-billion dollar corporations.
Here's Proof.
Here's Moar Proof.
You Certainly Did, Chris.
Prosecutors are a bunch of dang, dirty trolls.
Not even Snorlax is safe from the Wrath of Snyder.
Great, he'll get sued, and THEN go to jail.
Chris-Chan is Indicted!
To correctly model him in a RPG Character Builder Program comes close to breaking the program.
Chris-Chan's Virginity: Lost?[edit]
On April 12th, 2012, the PVCC troll group posted a flurry of screenshots. They were of a redacted Facebook posting supposedly from the Chris'tard boasting of him sticking his bent duck into sum poontang (which has already been proven physically impossible unless the hooker was a hambeast) and then... giving a gift basket to the prostitute.
| —Christian Weston Chandler | ||
He loves him sum Loli
Uncalled for Deflowering!
Chris, the (an) Hero.
Defense Attorneys are a bunch of dang, dirty trolls.
Of note is that Mr. Chandler has committed another crime, since the solicitation of prostitution is illegal in Virginia.
Call up the Chandler house today, and tell him porking a blow-up doll doesn't count!
| —--FarmZombie sums up this whole sad excuse for a saga | ||
Yes, folks...that's what Chris has been reduced to. You'd think that if he knew he was about to go to jail, he'd nut up and do something interesting, but no....Chris will go out with a whimper, without even getting to bang.
Smug Asptard is Smug[edit]
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Coming out of the closet[edit]
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Enjoy your cock! 8====D (_(__) |
| —Ha Gibor | ||
Just a tub of whale shit with perpetually flaccid penis & a severe mud butt and there you go. One of God's unique & beautiful creatures evolving.
On August 16, 2014, Chris comes out as a "Lesbian Identified Male," making him one of countless sufferers of Trolling Induced Transsexuality Syndrome. This means he thinks he was meant to be born in a woman's body, rather than the fat autistic manchild body he currently inhabits. He goes on to say he hates ALL penises, including his own.
Time will only tell if Chris will save up his "tugboat" and get the surgeries needed to become a woman. He also states that Snorlax is not supportive of his decision to come out as gay, but he doesn't care. What a badass, for a 32-year-old to disagree with his mother! He's likely still spooning with her every night, though!
#Je Suis Charlie[edit]
Hashtag Je Suis Charlie or Hashtag, "I am Charlie", for those who don't speak frog is a short lived fad, obviously started by some soap dodger that watched Kirk Douglas in Spartacus too many times, that Chris got involved in to impress his Artiste friends on twatter and Facebook even going so far as putting a French Flag mask over his picture after the 7, January 2015 killing of 12 people at the French Satirical Magazine Charlie Hebdo by a pissed of Muslim. Whoda thought?
The irony of Chris' involvement is that he didn't understand it was one defending the inalienable right of Free Speech when he has demanded the take down of The Satirical Website Encylcopedia Dramatica, blocked so many people on his accounts for saying things he doesn't like and especially when he has announced that he wants to silence people like gay males because he opposes their life choices. Despite being autistic he is ok with lesbianism so there is some hope for him.
I will admit the Chris may have learned his lesson about free speech because on July of 2017 he made a donation to the legal fund for Encyclopedia Dramatica.
#IStandWithDoopie[edit]
Chris came out of another closet when he stood in solidarity with his man crush, Thai lady/boy Doopie DoOver by openly declaring his love of animated Child Porn when he climbed onboard the hastag wagon to make Doopie feel better because he was playing the Drama queen and whining all over the internet that he was depressed and might become an hero because people were calling him a pedophile and a sickfuck for doing drawings of kids having sex with adults.
Like all the other retards that signed up for this idiot fest that can only be described as a monkey trying to fuck a football or Chris Chan making sweet sweet love to his PS3, Chris and everyone else were too fucking lazy and do a simple google search to see that it is in fact illegal choosing to believe in much the same way that has defined Chris' past, that the law is their toy and bends to their whims of what they think should be right or wrong and the current circumstance.
The Vagina[edit]
It has been reported that at some point in 2015, Chris(tine) got a piercing in the area between his asshole and nutsack, which is possibly the most unholy, god-forsaken daemon infested strip of matter aside from hell itself. According to Chris' internet research, lesbians engage in a practice known as scissoring where they rub their clitorises together, and being a male identified lesbian, Chris wanted the piercing so he could use it with a future lesbian lover. As usual, Chris paid no care to his personal hygiene, which resulted in the pierced area getting infected. A friend (possibly a troll) suggested he remove the piercing and let it heal, and the sore supposedly evolved into a flesh hole which in Chris-chan's warped mind resembles a vagina.
Chris is under the impression that the hole is a result of white noise videos on Youtube, which Chris listens to since he believes it can aid in his transformation into a true and honest woman. When trolls told Chris to seek medical attention, he lied about already having visited a doctor for his new "vagina", with Chris claiming that the doctors told him that his "vagina" is "good and beautiful".
In truth, this is a combination of circumstances which may ultimately kill Chris. In the event that the puss pocket which is likely embedded deep within (Chris has stated that he has been wearing Maxi Pads in order to contain the bleeding) his cursed hole tunnels deep enough into his taint to reach his digestive system, he will suffer a septic shock (which is shit being released directly into the bloodstream), if Chris suffers a septic shock, he will likely die.
Lust for cock[edit]
January 10th, 2014: House fire[edit]
In the early days of 2014, 14 Branchland Court was burnt down by a fire sparked by plugging a coffee brewer into a bathroom outlet at 3 AM and leaving it unattended, heating the hoard to its flashpoint. The entire property, along with all of Chris's earthly possessions were destroyed. It begs the question why Chris was brewing coffee at 3 in the morning, although likely reasons would be due to his "biological clock", or that Chris is obviously trying to commit fraud and sue the coffee maker Keurig, or perhaps that Chris likes a nice warm cup of hot java after taking a shit in the middle of the night. One fire fighter was seriously injured - probably because Chris kept going back inside to find his Sonichu medallion.
Donation drive, or lawlsuit?
| —Chris's neighbor |
EDF Draws It[edit]
The faggots on EDF2 of course wasted no time in delivering their art of Chris and his house. The "art" is devoid of any artistic merit, and worse than Chris's own art. Below are their contributions.
By Die In A Fire
By Sr. Bicarbonato
By Linkermann
By Jewbee
By Cobalt
By Arcticphoenix95
By Die In A Fire
By Mancomb
By Rockin'Sex
The art being prepped for shipping
Back to the Present[edit]
Today, Christineianopher wanders around Virginia, buying things with the money people send him (because that's trolling him...somehow), while complete losers snap pictures of him like they're paparazzi snapping pictures of Caitlyn Jenner fucking Taylor Swift. Still existing, somehow, is the Chris Chan Wiki which obsessively (i.e. pathetically) follows every detail of Chris and his mother as if they're still (or, more accurately, were ever) worth more than a single wiki page. They also ask for donations in order to keep the stalking possible. The sad end to all of this turns out not to actually be Chris, but rather anyone who would spend money to keep watching him or his mother's fucking credit rating. In the end, he became the troll.
CWC vs. The Donald[edit]
On November 10, 2016, Chris, who only supported Hillary Clinton because she was a woman, has threatened to assassinate President-elect Trump and VP-elect Mike Pence on Twatter. Srsly. He was threatening to kill them on social media before he pussied out and deleted the original tweet, only to post two more threats aimed at both the president and the vice president. Chris has also made many youtube videos talking about Trump and denouncing his presidency.
E-Begging[edit]
On Chris' new YouTube account CwcvilleGuardian, Chris has begun to e-beg. Most of these videos include Chris talking about how the Mortgage Company is "Biting our buts again".
Chris also has a Patreon account where he usually racks up a total of $537 a month.
Chris being Chris, he and his mother began to accumulate quite a bit of debt and the e-begging became 
more and more desperate, with the corpse-like Barb even appearing in some of the begging videos.
In April 2017, after unsuccessfully trying to sell stamp albums and getting frustrated, Chris listed his Sonic Totem on eBay and it was bought for $1,500. Almost immediately, Chris spent $400 on a 14 karat gold necklace (to replace one his mother had pawned), and the rest went to Skylanders shirts and to pay off a few bills. In typical Chris fashion, he had spent all of the money without shipping the item and the buyer had disputed the charge on PayPal, putting Chris' account in the negative and Chris then begged for more money so he could ship it. Chris did finally send out the Totem and the buyer surfaced on 4chan's /v/ and provided photos of his $1,500 papier-mâché horror, reporting that Chris had mailed it in "two boxes scotch taped together with trash used as packing material."
Inspired by the sale of the Totem, weeks later Chris dug through 20+ damp garbage bags of clothing that had been festering since the 2014 house fire and managed to find his Classic shirt so he could attempt to sell it.
| —Chris' value for his moldy, ratty shirt? $20,000. | ||
Chris listed the shirt on eBay with a $12,000 starting bid and a buyout price of $20,000. A portion of the winning bid was said to be going towards restoration of the shirt and putting it in a frame, after he got the money from the sale. Chris wore the classic shirt and his medallion in a follow up video about the sale, seen below.
Becoming a literal whore[edit]
Chris Chan's plan To Support The Troops On 9/11[edit]
Most Efficiant Way To Troll Chris[edit]
Since our little untermensch ignores reality and all his failings and actually believes that he is the ubermensch that the Nazis Nietzsche prophesized, the easiest way to troll him is to tell him that whatever he is doing sucks, he will never be any good at it and that you saw a Jew do it a lot better than him. In other words, tell him the truth. Like a Vampire being exposed to the sun - basement dwelling, autistic, fucktards react the same when exposed to the truth but instead of being reduced to ash, they're turned into a blubbering pile of failure that will whine how everyone hates them because they were born different.
Chris Chan Has Super Powers[edit]
Recently, everyone's favorite virgin with rage from Virginia has become convinced that his autism comes with super powers and has made posts on Twitter suggesting that he was endowed with a level of hearing that our simple mortal minds and weak, fragile human bodies could never come to understand.
Chris has made the claim that his senses are so acute, or at least his hearing, that he can hear a whispered conversation being held across a room in a noisy enviroment.
For him, an unimpressive ability that can be replicated with a directional microphone is something to brag about.
Some people think that this is the beginning of his break from reality and that he will be claiming more powers that belong to Superman until he climbs to the top of a 30 story building and tries to fly.
Considering how fragile Chris' psyche is, this is just another attempt by him to convince himself that he is somehow special or better than everyone because he has a special skill that no one else has.
The post is probably meant more for him as it is published in some form of semi-permanent media to convince him that it is true rather than for the people who follow him.
June 23, 2018: The Ban from Too Many Games[edit]
While at the Too Many Games convention at the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center, our fellow manchild of bad odor Chris-chan, thinking she is some sort of goddess, decided to touch people inappropriately. She even kissed Shane (also known as FourScore64) without his consent... yeah.... that actually happened. And when she was kicked out, she made a whole scene about it. 10+ years of getting banned from dozens of local stores and getting rejected by women for his creepy behavior has taught him fuck all.
The Near Future Eulogy For Christian/Christine Weston Chandler[edit]
| —Pagliacci | ||
| —Ha Gibor | ||
| —English Translation of Vesti La Giubba | ||
Nicknames[edit]
Now you can roast chris' fat ass by calling him any of these nicknames.
- Christard
- Christake
- Chrisis
- Chris-Fat-Shit-Chan
- Mrs. Creator of an "original" mistake.
- Chris-tran
- Autism Chandler
See Also[edit]
- Adf-fuensalida/Ahuviya Harel
- Aeverine Nieves - Chris-chan's tranny counterpart
- AnimatedJames
- Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto
- BlueCatRiolu - Furfag who is obsessed with cats and inflation. Rips off franchises and starts drama like Chris-Chan and ChristianU2ber.
- Cambion-Hunter - Autistic 30 year old manchild who lives with his dad and his more autistic older brother and thinks he's a bad-ass commentator on DeviantArt. Is a bully who almost made someone kill themself and is a Sargon of Akkad clone who regurgitates information.
- Cansin13 - Also shares a fascination with Sonic as well as wanting attention.
- Capital Gazette Shooting Csrried out by Chris' twin Jarrod Ramos
- Chibiyima - Believes his bullshit dA account is actually his. She admires him for some fucking reason.
- Crimson-Silvrblood
Cyndilovespiccolo - Autistic ladychild in her thirties mooching off her parents.She grew out of her drama queen bullshit.- David Tanny
- DarksydePhil - If Chris-Chan was an LPer.
- Deeker
- DisneyFan01
- Doopie DoOver E-begging, alleged internet friend Chris claims came to his house and sucked him off for $250. Convinced that he is in love with Chris because Doopie is being used as the Honeypot for an elaborate troll by Planet Dolan.
- Doopie DoOver/People
- DrMusic2
- The Eclectic Espeon - Another self-diagnosed transsexual in the pony fandom.
- Erik Ribsskog – Chris' older brother
- Evan Gragg
- Gorgeous George - fellow anti-lulz Virginian
- Gruntchovski
- Hacking Team - One of their employees is a botched Chris-chan clone.
- Hothead the mare
- Hozupindahows00s Taking art lessons from Chris
- I Dislike Cis People
- Ickeriss69
- ✡Jew✡ Chris claims to hate them and, obviously repeating Megan because he's using an obscure reference most people wouldn't get and not just naming Hitler, has said Reinhard Heydrich's plans didn't take it far enough and a new plan to eradicate all Jews should be put into practice. Despite all these claims he is a fan of and stalks ✡Tara Strong✡, ✡Mila Kunis✡, ✡Natalie Portman✡ and ✡Ashley Tisdale✡. The irony of this is that fags, the insane and work shy were killed off way before they Nazi's started killing Jews.
- Jonathan Niehaus
- Joseph8276 - CWC but with swag.
- Kaoru Yuuka - a very tamer version of CWC, who's just really annoying
- Kiwi Farms - an official fan forum for Chris Chan full of basement-dwellers like him. They buy all his shitty medallions and defend Chris from trolls.
- Liar
- Laura Kate Dale - Also a batshit insane male tranny.
- LilSoyEvan
- Lord Foxworth - A freak obsessed with anime characters, particularly from Nichijou
- Madisonstar Moon
- Matthew Davis - Chris-Chan in training
- Monica Punk - an autist lesbian who's scissoring with Tranny-CWC
- MysticArk
- Nick Bate
- Onigojirakaiju - Chrissy's long lost Filipino twin.
- Onyx Forepaw - Replace the sonic fascination with Disney's Bolt.
- Pamperchu - Replace the sonic fascination with diapers.
- Paradisefreedom - Chris-Chan's potential sweetheart
- Pedophile
- Pewdie-Pinkiepie
- Prince Jeremy
- Randy Stair - a more mass shooter equivalent of Chris-Chan
- Sailor Moon Chris Claims he faps to a poster of her to stay straight. Guess his mother threw it away.
- Sonbreezie
- Super Planet Dolan
- Takedownman
- Tanner Weed- Another autistic asshole with USI disorder.
- Todd Nickerson
- Timbox - Chris-chan's apprentice
- The Troll Hunter - Wannabe CWC troll or unlikely ally?
- Optimus Prime ✡ Chris Chan Claims this Autobot leader exists as a testament to his own masculinity which would explain why Optimus dies in every incarnation. Another Jew Chris has no problem with.
- Trolling Induced Transgenderism Syndrome
- TomPreston
- UltimateUKFFFan
- Venom2204
- White people
External Links[edit]
- Cracked Article with lots of pretty pickshures for those who think this article is TL;DR.
- Sonichu.com (wiki all about the big C)
- Doopie Releases emails between her and Chris Chan
sonichuchrischan - Mock deviantART account
His unforgiving Facebook
Chris-Chan - The Chris-Chan Know Your Meme page.
- Chris-Tran's old talk page during his short stay at ED
His old luserpage- NeoGAF thinks it's a good idea to support him and his shitty idea for a indie game.
- Chris Chan sits on a cake with no pants on
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ATTENTION! You can help by trolling the shit out of them whenever you see them, then laughing at their lulz-inducing theatrics.
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[GOTTA GO FAST!]
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Chris-chan is part of a series on Aspies. | [Sperg out] |
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 Chris-chan is part of a series on My Little Pony [FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC]
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 Chris-chan is part of a series on Pokémon [Who’s that Pokémon?] | |||||||
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[Read me!]
Chris-chan is part of a series on Webcomics | ||||||||||
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| Chris-chan is part of a series on Dying Alone
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Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama [+]
Anti-Semitism • The Apocalypse • The Bible • Catholicism • Censorship • Conservapedia • Creationism • Christian Boy Love Forum • Christian Spanking Blogs • Christian forums • Christian Teen Forums • Christian furries • Christmas • The Crusades • Church of Fudge • Easter • EQ2Flames • Ex-Gays • Genocide • God hates fags • GodJesus • Heaven • The Holocaust • Homophobia • Hyldenism • Intelligent Design • JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR! • Jesus is Hitler • Jesus is Savior • Jesus Tortilla • The KKK • Krampus • Mormonism • Objectiveministries • Purity Ball • Pussy Riot • Pro-life • Quiverfull • Rangerphiles • Raptor Jesus • The Rapture • Republicans • Slavery • Snopes • The Spanish Inquisition • The Thaw • Transphobia • Visions • Xxxchurch • Zwarte Piet | |
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Pissing Off the Almighty [+]
Abortion • Bestiality • Black metal • Evolution • Homosexuality • Liberalism • Masturbation • Notre Dame Cathedral • Pornography • Satanism • Scientology • Suicide • Transgenderism | |
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Heathens [+]
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Tranny Alert! 8=======D This is an article about a gross fucking tranny. You can help by not fapping off to any pictures of this person, and bleaching your eyes by the time you're done reading this article.
|
| Featured article August 5, 2008 | ||
| Preceded by YouTube View Fraud |
Chris-chan | Succeeded by Madeleine McCann |
| Featured article August 11, 2008 | ||
| Preceded by Al Gore |
Chris-chan | Succeeded by South Ossetia |
| Featured article April 1, 2009 | ||
| Preceded by Girugamesh |
Chris-chan | Succeeded by Goodnight Sweet Prince |
| Featured article November 5, 2017 | ||
| Preceded by The Loud House |
Chris-chan | Succeeded by 2016 Presidential Election |
| Featured article May 19 and 20, 2018 | ||
| Preceded by Battle For Dream Island |
Chris-chan | Succeeded by /b/ |
