Os Keyes

This person has Assburgers Syndrome,
so you can't say anything bad! :-(

Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck.

We weren't joking when we said he was sexy as fuck.

	“	I'm Autistic, having Aspergers Syndrome, i have an IQ of 145, an Eidetic memory to do with sounds and am lucky enough to suffer from Bipolar disorder.	„
	— Ironholds suffering all the diseases that come from too much Wikipedia

	“	I met him a few years ago in London. He struck me as a sad character, quite bitter that he had trained as a lawyer, but had only been able to find probate work, which he was contemptuous of, and which he implied was beneath his talent and his dignity.	„
	— Peter Damian

	“	Our legal or operations teams are not driven by community consensus, and the chances of us releasing the information are....infidecimally small.	„
	—It's "infinitesimally" you idiot

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Os Keyes^✡^⚧ (formerly Oliver Keyes, going by the street handle "Ironholds" and online as verlesk), is a notorious TOW vandal, disgraced Wikipedia sysop, and the pimp-daddy of Freenode, scoring every bitch that dares chat in his vicinity of e-masculinity. His lifetime dream of working for Wikimedia Foundation already being accomplished, he now spends his golden years unleashing anger in public IRC channels, and then having his rage elevated once he realizes people may remember his words and/or actions. Ironholds later deleted his userpage because of this article.

Ironholds ran for admin seven times before the community gave up and said yes in May 2011. It all came to an end in July 2013 when Keyes was desysopped after his faggotry was exposed during a humiliating ArbCom case which found that Keyes was guilty of "conduct unbecoming an administrator" and "bringing the project into disrepute". Despite this, he remained employed by the Wikimedia Foundation, the "charity" that runs Wikipedia and the other WMF wikis. On February 23, 2016, Keyes announced his departure from the Foundation, effective March 18, 2016... and nothing of value was lost.

Ironholds x Fluffernutter etc[edit]

His top-bottom bitch

EDiots theorize this is how it looked

At one point Ironholds shacked up with fellow TOW admin and known cougar Karen "Fluffernutter" Ingraffea at her home address of 24 Foxhill Lane Ringwood, NJ while he was staying in the USA. He was quick to slip her some GHB, and began getting to work on her overweight ass. She being under the influence of multiple dissociatives, could not think her actions through properly and thus shared his exploits in the public #wikipedia-en channel. This was obviously a very good idea.

19:57:22 < tyw7> Ironholds: I think Fluffernutter_ is currently afk
19:57:27 < tyw7> see Fluff|laptop instead
19:57:49 < Ironholds> tyw7: she's sitting next to me and I just slapped her arse
19:57:51 < Fluff|laptop> yeah, he's talking to the wrong me
19:57:51 < Ironholds> trust me, I know
19:57:57 < Fluff|laptop> no he didn't
19:58:00 < Fluff|laptop> he has terrible aim
19:58:03 < Fluff|laptop> he poked me in the hip
19:58:12 < Fluff|laptop> and now he just pinched my ass
19:58:19 < Peter-C> O_O
19:59:11 < Fluff|laptop> you'd think he'd have figured hiow to slap asses by now, but nooo
19:59:51 < tyw7> why is he slapping your ass?
20:00:00 < Ironholds> tyw7: we're fucking
20:00:02 < Fluff|laptop> why not? we DID say we're bored
20:00:06 < tyw7> O_o
20:00:12 < Ironholds> I mean, we're not fucking right now
20:00:15 < tyw7> Ironholds: you are fucking Fluff|laptop
20:00:16 < Fluff|laptop> Ironholds, see, no one believes you when you say that
20:00:17 < Ironholds> but as a general principle, we fuck
20:00:24 < Ironholds> tyw7: jeremyb didn't believe me either
20:00:29 < Ironholds> and we kissed in front of him and everythign
20:00:30 < Fluff|laptop> jeremyb practically rolled his eyes
20:00:33 < tyw7> you two are married?
20:00:37 < Fluff|laptop> baahaha
20:00:37 < Ironholds> tyw7: no, we just fuck
20:00:51 < Fluff|laptop> marry me, darling. we can drive each other insane for eternity
20:00:54 < tyw7> what would your wives/husband say? or are you single?
20:01:02 < Fluff|laptop> we're single
20:01:05 < Logan_> omai
20:01:19 < Ironholds> tyw7: dude, I'm TWENTY
20:01:22 < Fluff|laptop> haha
20:01:23 < Ironholds> I'm not married
20:01:27 Resfirestar is now known as res|starcraft
20:01:34 < Fluff|laptop> he's not married, he's just a babydaddy
20:01:39 < tyw7> Ironholds: really? I'm 18!
20:01:46 < tyw7> how old are you Fluff|laptop
20:01:49 < Ironholds> tyw7: well, nobody's perfect
20:01:50  * Fluff|laptop grins
20:01:52  * Courcelles never knows what is erious in this channel.  Ever.
20:01:58 < Logan_> erious?
20:02:00  * Fluff|laptop is far too old to be sleeping with Ironholds, let's just say
20:02:39 < Ironholds> Courcelles: we are actually being serious
20:02:47 < Ironholds> oh dear GOD THIS PRESENTATION IS DULL
20:02:53 < Ironholds> fuck this, I'm going for a smoke
20:02:56 < ^3^> You could leave?
20:02:59 < ^3^> Oh, nvm
20:03:06 < Fluff|laptop> Ironholds: do you think it will move them along if i make a show of falling asleep on your shoulder?
20:03:10 < Logan_> Ironholds: I thought you quit
20:03:16 < Ironholds> Logan_: quit what?
20:03:19 < Logan_> smoking
20:03:25 < Ironholds> Fluff|laptop: try going BOOOO! GET OFF THE STAGE!
20:03:29 < Peter-C> OMG Ironholds and Fluff|laptop need to get an apartment >:(
20:03:34  * Fluff|laptop looks shifty, suddenly decides she's a smoker if it means i can get out of here for ten minutes
20:03:36 < ^3^> Or a motel.
20:03:36 < Ironholds> Logan_: then I applied for a WMF job and tripled my stress levels
20:03:40 < Logan_> heh.
20:03:41 < Ironholds> Peter-C: we've GOT one. It's hers.
20:03:44 < Fluff|laptop> ^
20:03:49 < Peter-C> :O
20:03:50 < Fluff|laptop> brb
20:03:59 < Peter-C> Fluff|laptop has the dominant role in this relationship
20:04:09 < Logan_> you could have the marriage at the WMF headquarters
20:04:30 < tyw7> Ironholds: are you typing while in the meeting?
20:04:34 < tyw7> Say hi to Jimbo for me
20:04:35 < Peter-C> Logan_ - Jimbo could be the priest!
20:04:39 < Logan_> haha
20:04:52 < Nascar1996> ...
20:05:00 < Logan_> I declare you WikiHusband and WikiWife.
20:06:40 < tyw7> Ironholds: say hi to all the wikipedians for me ;)
20:10:26 < Ironholds> back
20:10:29 < Fluff|laptop> Peter-C: oh, if only you knew
20:10:37 < Fluff|laptop> Ironholds: we should photograph my bruises
20:10:41 < tyw7> Ironholds: who else is there at the meeting?
20:10:49 < tyw7> Fluff|laptop: and make it public domain?
20:10:51 < Fluff|laptop> lol
20:11:02 < Fluff|laptop> i have a rather spectacular one on my forearm
20:11:29 < NA_0> Bruises? What did I miss?
20:11:40 < tyw7> NA_0: Ironholds pinching and slapping Fluff|laptop
20:11:41 < Fluff|laptop> <_<
20:11:49 < Fluff|laptop> there's been very little pinching
20:12:11 < Fluff|laptop> or slapping, for that matter
20:12:29 < tyw7> and romping... :D
20:13:05 < Ironholds> romping, lots of that
20:13:08 < Fluff|laptop> hee
20:13:10 < Ironholds> Fluffernutter looks like she has hypothermia
20:13:16 < Fluff|laptop> ...?
20:13:37 < Ironholds> all blue
20:13:46 < Fluff|laptop> most of them are yellow and purple at this point
20:13:50 < Fluff|laptop> you've fallen behind
20:13:58 < tyw7> how can you romp in a Wikipedian meeting?
20:14:17 < Fluff|laptop> tyw7: you don't want to know what he just suggested to me in pm
20:14:36  * tyw7 fluffs Fluff|laptop 
20:14:43 < Fluff|laptop> ew
20:14:46 < Fluff|laptop> hands off
20:15:05 < Ironholds> tyw7: blowjob in the stairwell
20:15:13 < Fluff|laptop> i said he didn't want to know, dude
20:15:24 < tyw7> lol O_o
20:15:27 < p858snake|l_> ironholds has alot of experience in that dept >.>
20:15:43 < Fluff|laptop> the stairwell is very creaky
20:15:56 < Peter-C> p858snake|l_ - giving or reciving?
20:16:08 < Fluff|laptop> also i kissed him on our way up the stairs and he was all "omg why are you touching me ew"
20:16:48 < p858snake|l_> Peter-C: I don't think it matters when you are talking about Ironholds <.<
20:16:53 < Fluff|laptop> lol
20:16:55 < Fluff|laptop> so true

To further the hilarity, while she was in the UK and performing more sex acts at Ironholds' home (46 Love Lane Pinner, Middlesex) Fluffernutter was turned down a much needed ride to the airport by Ironholds because he simply had better things to do with his time than give a ride to the woman that just sucked your genitals.

This would not be the first time Ironholds's natural sex appeal to wikiskanks would manifest itself in awkward nerdsex. See below for a more complete list of his sexual conquests on Wikipedia IRC and at Wikimedia Foundation headquarters.

Don't Be a Dick[edit]

	“	[19:58] <Ironholds> You should however have instead taken your pen, punched a hole in her windpipe and looked on as her attempts to wave for help got increasingly feeble.	„
	—Ironholds, on how to handle loud niggers

	“	<Ironholds> okay, Meepsheep, you're on this system because you're a lifeless, soulless, dickless, witless, spineless individual who makes up for his own lack of social life or integrity by treating the ridicule of others as the first port of call in correspondence, thereby ensuring that you remain a corpulent unwanted cancer on the scrotum of humanity	„
	—Oliver Keyes, who was desysopped for "bringing the project into disrepute"

	“	Fr33kman, you really are a fucking moron. How the hell did you ever get any kind of technical privileges? "simple English Wikipedia" does not translate as "Wikipedia for English simpletons".	„
	—Ironholds, displaying his hypocrisy

	“	<Ironholds> actually, Jimbo gets massive amounts of pussy thrown his way	„

“

[12:19:35 A] <Sophiie> hi, can a page be undeleted just to see what it once was?

[12:19:47 A] <Ironholds> Sophiie, fuck off and die

[12:19:50 A] <Ironholds> thank you

„

“

[01:46] <Ironholds> it's 6:46am here and I'm insulting you using words you clearly don't understand

[01:46] <Ironholds> I think I win.

[01:46] <Ironholds> Anyway, now we're both in agreement that I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire - but would in all other circumstances - I shall bid you adieu. I can go back to work, you can go back to...whatever it is you do

„

“

[01:51] <Ironholds> I am trying to demonstrate how much I want you to leave me the fuck alone and never come near me again

[01:51] <Ironholds> I hope we're clear on this

[01:51] <Ktr102> i have fucking noticed

[01:52] <Ironholds> swearing doesn't suit you, deary

[01:52] <Ktr102> ...

[01:52] <Ktr102> night

[01:52] <Ironholds> it's like seeing a mongrel do algebra

„

	“	[00:06] <Ironholds> he is a narrow-minded beardy fuckwit who understands half of what he's talking about and can communicate maybe a quarter. If you gave me a copy of his book I would choose to eat it before I chose to read it. He thinks that the gendergap is all about gender. Fucking moron	„
	—on Professor Joseph Reagle

“

02:26 < Ironholds> I had to download it illegally because of their bullshit regioning

02:26 < Ironholds> result: they are poorer and I still have the damn music

02:26 < Qcoder00_> Ironholds: OMG You evil pirated stuff?

02:26 < Ironholds> ESTABLISHED MUSIC INDUSTRY PLAN: WORKS FLAWLESSLY.

„

—Oliver Keyes, WMF employee admits to piracy in #wikipedia-en

“

[20:22] <+Ironholds> badmachine, I'm not in any kind of relationship with the declining sysop. Shut your pie-hole.

[20:22] <badmachine> lol

[20:22] <+Ironholds> indeed, for the longest of times she wanted to break my neck

[20:23] <badmachine> what a thing for the community liaison to say

[20:23] <+Ironholds> I'm here in a personal role

„

	“	<Ironholds> me, you and Dragonfly spent 20 minutes working out if it was physically possible to suck that many cocks in that period of time <Ironholds> in my experience it is	„

“	01:12 < TParis> Ironholds: You silly guy 01:12 < TParis> You gotta revdel the edit in the middle too: http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Gun_politics_in_New_Zealand&oldid=561596433 01:12 < TParis> shakes head Can't ever give you OS tools... 01:15 < Ironholds> TParis: oh, sod off. Kiefer needs his rubdown. 01:15 < TParis> Well, you grab the oil, I'll meet you there. 01:17 < Ironholds> only if I'm allowed to bring a lighter.	„

[17:14] * tommorris wonders if we could tempt the really fucking perverted by offering a premium Jimmy Wales [[RealDoll]].
[17:14] * Panyd (~Panyd@host109-158-170-165.range109-158.btcentralplus.com) Quit (Changing host)
[17:14] * Panyd (~Panyd@wikipedia/Panyd) has joined #wikipedia-en
[17:14] <_trollface_> still, a bobble head would be fun
[17:14] <_trollface_> :P
[17:15] <Ironholds> tommorris: we could have a Peter Damian one!
[17:15] <Ironholds> as anatomically vacant as a ken doll
[17:15] <tommorris> Ironholds: you have to pay extra for the shemale option
[17:15] <Ironholds> "punching him in the face feels like punching the real thing!"
[17:15] <tommorris> no, better yet, wire it up to a thread on Wikipedia Review. every time you punch it, it updates the post

sauce

08:38:32 <Ironholds>     ...you've been talking to my ex, haven't you? ;p
08:39:16 *       sonia neither confirms nor denies this.
08:40:00 <Ironholds>     well, if you have, tell her she's a bitch and I hope she gets cat AIDS
08:41:16 <Ironholds>     and if you have not, avoid her
08:41:24 <Ironholds>     she's a despicable human being, and that's ME saying that
08:43:31 *       sonia backs away slowly.
08:45:41 <Ironholds>     sonia: what?
08:46:37 <Ironholds>     sonia: we dated for five years, from the age of 15. High-school sweethearts, as it were. Then I found out she'd spent those five years cheating on me, lying to me, being jealous of my female friends without ever telling me anything, the whole kit and kaboodle. And I was the one left fucked up. I think I'm fairly justified to wish harm upon her.
08:46:47 <sonia> ...wow.
08:47:38 <Ironholds>     and when I say "lying to me"
08:47:58 <Ironholds>     I mean "when things went bad, she assured me that we'd try our best to fix stuff, then spent 5 months planning how to dump me without saying a word"
08:48:25 <Ironholds>     it finally came to a head when we were out on a date one day and I went "things are getting better, right?" and she turned to me and went "yup. You know I'm still dumping you, right?"

sauce

Wikipedia vandalism[edit]

	“	the current record for penis size is 80 foot by Oliver Keyes.	„
	—IP 80.177.10.254, totally not Ironholds' IP

During his recent Arbcom case, it was revealed that Ironholds has been vandalizing Wikipedia for years. By Ironholds forgetting to sign, Ironholds exposed his IP as 80.177.10.254. This edit at Simple English Wikipedia shows Ironholds abusing a Simple English user he does not like. Here, Ironholds vandalizes Ottava Rima's user talk page at the Meta wiki.

	“	Fr33kman, you really are a fucking moron. How the hell did you ever get any kind of technical privileges? "simple English Wikipedia" does not translate as "Wikipedia for English simpletons".	„
	—Fr33kman's talk page at Simple Wikipedia.

	“	all together now, twaaaaaaat	„
	—This was during the time Keyes worked for the Wikimedia Foundation.

	“	after being shown to be an astounding cunt, and I will be gone for at least the duration of finishing my real life work - or until I decide that my return will get me, the gawping narcissistic camera-slut that I am, sufficient attention.	„
	—Vandalism to Ottava Rima's Meta-wiki userpage

	“	the current record for penis size is 80 foot by Oliver Keyes.	„
	—From 2006. His more recent vandalism is less penis oriented

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For a complete list of Ironholds' vandalism and sockpuppetry, see this link.

Other sleazy shit Ironholds is known for[edit]

Outed Law's sockpuppet, The undertow. This was widely seen by Wikipedians as a back stab
His performance as a Community Liaison for VisualEditor aka Visual Editurd, was a disaster, with Keyes lashing out at Wikipedians who complained about the buggy extension.
Keyes was an "analyst" for The Foundation, with some very interesting ideas about your privacy.
Following in the footsteps of other warriors for social justice, Keyes now claims that all his IRC sexchats and generally being a jerk stems from his attempts at being edgy, a trait he claims to have outgrown. However, Keyes was recently booted from the "R" stats community for "shit-disturbing", to quote Duncan Murdoch, the leader of the "R" community. Keyes denies shit-stirring in a butthurt rant posted to his blog, which didn't fool Murdoch, who apparently did his research on this particular "officious little creature":

“	[20:22] <Ironholds> But frustrating people=great fun for a londoner.	„
—shit stirring, source

SJW in the streets, shitlord in the sheets[edit]

	“	i can squeeze into any sized space and twist my body in about 100 different ways.	„
	—Oliver Keyes

In addition to the hilarious sexchat with Fluffernutter above, Keyes inspired Sue Gardner, then executive director of the Foundation, to let down her guard and say this of Ironholds and WMF board member Kat Walsh (Mindspillage):

“	[10:09am] <Thehelpfulone>: sgardner: I'd want to know what they do :D [10:10am] <sgardner>: (Maybe there is something scheduled already, just a general chat. We'll check.) [10:10am] <sgardner>: Thehelpfulone: we could ask Kat, right now :-) [10:10am] <Thehelpfulone>: indeed, mindspillage what do you do? [10:10am] <sgardner>: (Pinning her up against the wall, as Ironholds likes :-)	„
—#wikimedia-office, an informal, jokey exchange on an ephemeral medium

When Ironholds was being desysopped, Sue said on July 29, 2013 "I also don't think it's useful to quote back sections of IRC dialogue. It's an ephemeral medium" and called it an "informal jokey exchange". A year and a half later, on December 5, 2014 when writing an op-ed for The Los Angeles Times on why there are no women in tech, she dredged up five year old emails from the brogrammers at Uber, conveniently omitting her own sexual harassment of at least two employees as seen above.
He makes Molly White "squee" repeatedly

Immigration to America[edit]

Despite knowing all of the above, the diversity department of the Wikimedia Foundation decided that they didn't employ nearly enough white males. So instead of hiring people of color from the neighboring city of Oakland, they sponsored Keyes's application to move to the United States. The UK government was happy to be rid of him, and the fully competent Obama administration apparently didn't even Google him and approved his move from Old Blighty to San Francisco, where the WMF is headquartered. Shortly after this, the Foundation realized they had imported a dangerous individual and forced him to telecommute from Boston, far far from the San Francisco HQ.

Antifa[edit]

Keyes grew bored of this arrangement rather quickly, and moved to Seattle after quitting the Foundation. Within weeks, Keyes had been radicalized by the Seattle Antifa terror cell. The newly radicalized Keyes couldn't resist virtue signaling about his participation, and vowed that "the blood of the Jews must be avenged".

	“	SPD broke out the paddy wagons for a 100 person BLM march. There are literally as many pigs as there are people.	„
	—@kopshtik

	“	Pigs have a dispersal order out on Westlake, looks like.	„
	—@kopshtik

	“	still illegal for immigrants to become communists -even after naturalising	„
	—@kopshtik

	“	spend your International Workers' Day reaffirming your loyalty to the revolution	„
	—[1]

	“	in the absence of the ability to vote I've just started threatening the senators.	„
	—@kopshtik

The general populace was not immune to Keyes's wrath either, including an innocent couple who happened to be photographed at the suprise Antifa event. Shortly after tweeting out the following, Keyes abruptly deleted his Twitter account and his blog went dark. EDiots theorize that USCIS got wind of his revolting and vile threats against innocent Americans and he hopefully has been deported or moved to Canada where his butthurt liberal syndrome can be treated by Canada's National Health bureau.

	“	the blood of the Jews must be avenged.	„
	—@kopshtik

	“	Fellow Washingtonians: here are some local Nazis. Find them. ID them. Get their asses fired. I don't care about addresses I want employers.	„
	—http://archive.is/kCE4A

	“	Police escorted all the fascists out but here are your friends and neighbours. Once again: if you know them, get them fired.	„
	—http://archive.is/1x1NK