Texas
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Tejas is crap. You can help by completely returning it to Arizona. |
Taxes Texas, the second largest state in the Union, is a hellhole best known for being home to steers and queers, King of the Hill, shitty country music, morbidly obese people, Megachurches, its inability to contribute anything of value to the country, McMansions, Bible Thumpers, capital punishment, sedentary lifestyle, super-sized portions drenched in lard, Dr. Phool, George W. Bush, a questionable point of view on people, guns, an obsession with large things, and its ongoing failed attempts to outlaw faggotry. Texas wants to be a separate nation, but it's being overtaken it has been overtaken by Mexicans, so that goes to tell ya how much they suck dick. Other than that, they suck major fucking cockles because they call themselves the fucking "Lone-Star" State, in other words, Tits or GTFO.
Unlike California and Seattle, Texas' USI Syndrome is caused primarily by ignorance. A typical Texan believes that Texas is absolutely the best place in the world because he's never been anywhere outside of his rural shithole. Therefore when Texans move to Coastal regions they adopt liberal values and vigorously troll their state of origin. To locals they still remain backwards country dumbshits.
Some argue that Texas is the number one killer of ordinary people, but we all know better than that.
Contents
How To Troll a Texan[edit]
- Remind them Texas was founded as a puppet state by illegal alien invaders who killed children and raped women in the ass.
- Remind them Texas is pronounced "Tea has" #fact
- If you're an Arizonan, make sure they hear you wondering aloud what kind of gay-ass state requires people to have a permit to carry a handgun and requires you to keep it out of sight.
- Call them a Liberal, as all Texans believe that being a liberal is the most contemptible thing on the planet (besides being not Texan).
- Tell them that Alaska is bigger and California has more people, forcing them to accept that they will always be second best.
- Ask them who won the battle at the Alamo.
- Tell them that Texas is a "gay friendly" state. This will enrage most Texans, as they will assume that you are calling them gay.
- Remind them how their shitty baseball team got their ass kicked in the World Series by a bunch of pot smoking hippies from San Francisco.
- Philosophically announce that Dale Earnhardt
Jr.did it to himself and maybe deserved it. - Steal the dangling metal ballsack off of their trailer hitch on their truck, or draw nipples on them. Srsly. They have them.
- Explain to them in full detail just why and how country music is the worst thing to ever happen to mankind.
- Tell them you voted for Obama, and support abortion rights for women.
- Tell them you support any rights for women.
- Ask any random person if you can still get Medicaid if you don't have a social security number.
- Best of all, you can just send them to doom3.zoy.org (you'll be sohhreee..). It's like shooting rednecks in a corral.
- Ask someone where the nearest gay bar is.
- Praise the Dallas Sniper Attacks.
- Tell them that you're from the ATF and you are here to take their guns. (WARNING!! THIS IS THE MOST DANGEROUS TROLLING TECHNIQUE ON THE LIST. IF YOU DO THIS, YOU WILL BE FACING AN ARMY OF VERY PISSED OFF TEXANS ARMED TO THE TEETH! DO NOT ATTEMPT UNLESS WEARING BODY ARMOR AND CARRYING AT LEAST AN ASSAULT RIFLE. LIGHT MACHINE GUN IS RECOMMENDED.)
- Advocate for assault weapons ban. If they disagree, show them with this. When they try to alter this bullshit libtard paper... call them science deniers.
- Announce loudly pretty much anywhere that you support medical insurance and equal rights for illegal immigrants.
- Tell them where you're from, people don't eat live castrated male oxen smothered in BBQ sauce.
- Wear a giant foam cowboy hat everywhere. Spit a lot, and speak in grunts only.
- Tell them Whataburger and/or Dairy Queen is/are the shittiest restaurant(s) you've ever been to.
- Tell them that their state doesn't produce anything apart from oil and Nascar fans.
- Remind them of how poorly they fought in the Civil War (not at all)
- Tell them Lone Star Beer sucks.
- Accuse them of owning a Hybrid car
- Tell them that the Dallas Cowboys are worse than the Detroit Tigers.
- Defile any and all Baptist churches and other religious material. (Ex: Lawn ornament is cross that reads "He Is Risen!" Take Magic Marker and write "No, he just fell off the cross"/"o rly"/"k where is he?", etc.)
- Tell a Texan that you are a follower of a religion/denomination other than Baptism or Catholicism. Large number of Spics and white suburbanites present will increase lulz tenfold.
- At 3 o'clock in the morning, go and steal the off road tires and/or rims off of their truck, which they only use to take the Gulf Freeway into work from their overpriced McMansion in Clear Lake. This will punch a massive hole in their ego.
- Inform them that if Alaska was split in half, Texas would be the THIRD biggest state.
Great Moments in Texas History[edit]
February 20, 1685: The French attempt to settle Texas but are overcome by disease, Indian raids, and mutiny and eventually die in vain. The Spanish then came and burned the remains.
March 6, 1836: The Battle of the Alamo --- At the Alamo fort, a few hundred Illegal immigrant invaders pwn the shit out of 1,500 Mexicans. They were, however, defeated when a horde of 4,500 additional Mexicans Zerg-rushed them like hobos on a hamburger. "Remember The Alamo" remains a Illegal immigrant slogan despite the fact that it's basically saying "Remember when we failed."
April 21, 1836: The Battle of San Jacinto --- Mexico's Fuhrer, Santa Anna, orders his men to stop near the San Jacinto River, in what is now Harris County Tejas. The Mexicans then begin to have a faggy picnic. Suddenly, General Sam Houston and the Illegal immigrants launch an ambush. Santa Anna tries to run-way and hide like a pussy, but he is captured. The Mexican Army then immediately surrendered, because an average Mexican won't do anything if his boss isn't around to force him. Sam Houston would later become the President of Tejas, and have a city named after him.
March 2, 1836: Tejas becomes an a puppet state.
December 29, 1845: Tejas joins the United States.
1846-1848: Tejas helps the U.S. during the Mexican-American War, and Mexico City itself is raped hard. After the war, Mexico loses all of its land that had stretched from Texas to California. This causes Mexico to have extreme butthurt forever. The border of Texas is extended to the Rio Grande River, and for this reason, illegal Mexican immigrants in Tejas came to be known as wetbacks.
May 14, 1856: The Tejas Camel Experiment.
February 1, 1893: Lynching of Henry Smith, the first blatantly public lynching of a black man, whether or not he was being punished for raping a four-year-old, with her blood still wet on his underwear.
October 24, 1923: Ku Klux Klan Day at the Tejas State Fair, Dallas. Introduced popular "Whack-A-black person" midway game to a generation of Americans; jolly ethnic stereotype target game replaced by lame "Whack-a-Mole" substitute in 1954.
April 16, 1947: Worst industrial accident in US history. Cargo ships carrying thousands of tons of ammonium nitrate fertilizer catch fire and explode, killing ~600 and destroying a third of the structures in Tejas City. Pyros and Republicans everywhere fap vigorously.
November 22, 1963: During a visit to Dallas, drug-addled President John F. Kennedy is killed by Lee Harvey Oswald, who was clearly acting in self-defense. Oswald received extra points, because he scored a headshot, AND JFK was in a moving car at the time. After Kennedy's death, Texas-born Lyndon B. Johnson became President of the U.S. Problem?
August 1, 1966: In an attempt to relieve his boredom, Charles Whitman ascends the University of Texas Tower and attempts a run for the high score, killing fourteen people until Austin PD capped his ass.
June, 1971: Texas gives birth to the first low-cost and lulzy airline, Southwest Airlines. Now Texans can fly across the state, eat free peanuts and hit on flight attendants in tight skirts. Yee-haw!
March, 1982: Ozzy Osbourne pisses on the Alamo while drunk, an act that saw him banned from Texas for 10 years. This had negligible affect on his career, as his music differs from the sister-fucking country tunes that Texans love.
May 25, 1985: Alexis Texas is born.
October 5, 1988: Texas Senator Lloyd Bentsen owns Dan Quayle's ass in the Vice-Presidential debate. After comparing himself to President John F. Kennedy, Quayle was thoroughly ass raped by Senator Bentsen when he said: "Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy." Massive lulz ensued, but Americans went on to elect Quayle's dumb ass (along with his sugar daddy) that November.
October 16, 1991 Angry that Charles Whitman didn't kill enough people 25 years ago, George Hennard attempts to go for the high score himself at a cafeteria in Killeen, Texas. The results? 24 dead, including himself (he committed suicide) and twenty injured.
January 21, 1993: George Bush Sr. officially declared that, "Only steers and queers come from Texas." Perhaps not coincidentally, the Bush Family enjoys the music of Ozzy Osbourne (see above).
February 28, - April 19th, 1993: The Waco Siege. US Attorney General Janet Reno stages a raid of EPIC proportions on the Waco Habbo Hotel. Fire and genocide ensues in what becomes the largest government-sponsored BBQ in U.S. history.
January 29, 1996: A software company in Dallas releases a masterpiece that can beat anything that Leonardo Da Vinchi and Michelangelo ever created. The holy grail of the world that is known as Duke Nukem 3D.
September, 1999: A bunch of people in Fort Worth (Funimation) decide that dubbing Dragon Ball Z would be the best thing evar. Thousands died when children reenacted the first few episodes of the series, resulting in epic lulz.
February, 1, 2003: The space shuttle Columbia blew up over Palestine resulting in many Texans being PWNED by falling debris and lulz.
February 16, 2007: Police in Lubbock arrest an entire group of Chippendale dancers for daring to thrust their hips in the direction of female audience members in Jake's Sports Cafe. Neither hips nor thrusting are permitted in the buckle of the Bible Belt.
March 29, 2008: Texas becomes win for revoking Scientology's status as a religion. Yup.
November 5, 2009: A crazy towel head who for some reason was in the military to start with-
Decided to make daddy proud and open fire on the inhabitants of Fort Hood. He killed 13 people, while only wounding 30 more. He did not die, and only decided to fall asleep during the shooting. He is currently in captivity with his sugar daddy every night and will soon be executed.
May 6, 2010: King of the Hill has its last episode, thus bringing the end of the Propane and Propane Accessory industry. Hank would later go on to capitalize on the booming cocaine and cocaine accessory industry in New York.
July 7, 2016: A bunch of niggers chimp out, prompting the Dallas Sniper Attacks, where a bunch of cops get pwn'd by sniper-nigra.
Not-So-Great Moments in Texas History[edit]
June 10, 2011: The assholes over at Gearbox released Duke Nukem Forever for the general public to dwell on it's shitiness.
October 26, 2011:L Lamar Smith, Congressional representative of the wealthiest citizens of San Antonio and Austin, along with 12 other congressional douchebags, decides to introduce a piece of legislation that threatens to change the Internets we all know and love. This is SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS, and it must be stopped at all costs.
Texas blows the fuck up![edit]
State Facts[edit]
State Abbreviation - TX
Major Industries - propane and propane accessories, oil, steers and queers, calculators, dubbing animu, big hair, immigration, real estate, paralyzing fear of the outside world, air travel, big hats, and executions.
State Capital - Austin, a shitty place full of hipsters, and "high-tech rednecks" who are obsessed with the Longhorns college football team.
Largest City - Houston, the only city in Texas run by a rug muncher. (No srsly![1])
Other Cities - "Dallas", San Antonio, College Station, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Fort Worth, Galveston, Laredo, Corpus Christi, Waco, Lubbock, Arlen.
Area - 268,601 square miles
Population - 24,326,974 plus an unknown quantity of Undocumented Immigrants
Origin of the Name Texas - The Caddo Indians of eastern Texas called the incoming settlers the Tejas, meaning "friend," in the hopes that the settlers wouldn't kill them, screw their women and children, and steal their land. Unfortunately, this strategy was not successful.The settlers killed them, screwed their women and children, and stole their land.
State Nickname - "The Lone Star State", "The Fuck You State", "Rapeland", The Yet Another American State That Has To Get Completely Sanitized White world! If it's not white, then it's not right to them.
State Song - "Beers, Steers, and Queers" by the Revolting Cocks [2]
State Gestures - "Gig'em Aggies", "Hook 'em Horns", "Wreck 'em Tech" "Spange, man?"
State Mammal - Redneckius Tobaccostainicus
State Flying Mammal - The Eastern Fence-jumping Paisa
State Reptile - Tom Delay
State Sport - a good ol' fag drag
State Faggots - Alex Jones, Hal Turner, George W. Bush, Ron Paul, Baylor University, Allegro and YOU!
Texas Presidents - Dwight D. Eisenhower and Lyndon B. Johnson were both born in Texas. Although George W. Bush was born in New Haven, Connecticut, he has a long association with Texas, pretending to be Texan on TV, own a mediocre baseball team that never wins a World Series and having successfully run several Texas energy companies into bankruptcy before driving the entire fucking country into bankruptcy.
Misc - 90% of women in Texas have been raeped. 99% of men in Texas have raeped.
On A Totally Unrelated Note - 10% of Texas women are unraepworthy.
Residents[edit]
- Alex Jones
- Akatsua
- Lovelylina
- Mary Alice Altorfer
- Colton Tooley
- Gothzilla
- PhailureJohn
- jewlion
- Ray Jones
- Hank Hill
- Lamar Smith
- Malik Nadal Hasan
- Dimitrious Pagourtzis
- George Hennard
- Corsi Mousehold
- Ron Paul
- Ghost
- George W. Bush
- True American heroes
- Tedd Cruz
Not John Wayne's The Alamo[edit]
Pretend you're from Oklahoma all you like, you annoying ginger Texan slut. KILL IT WITH FUCKING FIRE |
See also[edit]
Links[edit]
- Texan-English Dictionary
- Texas State Fair
- learntotexas.livejournal.com, a faggoty LiveJournal where every post is written in "pretty cool guy" format. A lot of the posts are about Texas history, due to the USI of one of the posters thinking she's hot shit because she lived in Texas.
