Bill Gates
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OLDER THAN GATES |
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This person has Assburgers Syndrome, so you can't say anything bad! :-( Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck. |
| —Bill Gates | ||
Bill Gates (Pronounced Bill Gaytes) is a fascist, Satanist mechanophile geek who created Microsoft's Windows operating system for the sole purpose of crashing every computer that ever used it. He also claimed to have Pwned Steve Jobs for the lulz, but this was later found to be just another marketing ploy and Steve Jobs already pwned himself by getting aids
History[edit]
Chairman and Co-founder William H. (RatBastard) Gates went to college at Harvard, but dropped out because nerds can't get ass in a place as classy as Harvard. After crying emo tears, he and his cohort Doctor Phil McGraw decided to take over the world. Lacking the skill to be a politician, actor, or other public policy maker, Gates settled for the next best thing, h4x0r.
At this time (early 1963) hacking was still in its infancy. The first recorded hack was performed earlier that year by Dr. Norbert H. Rudiphuck at the Texas Instruments National Research Laboratory. He performed the classic "80085", or boobs hack, on his TI-83. This inspired Gates and McGraw to h4x a little-used disk operating system that a Russian defector had smuggled into the United States from Poland named doska. The resulting creation was shortened to DOS to prevent an international incident, and Microsoft was born.
DOS became beloved by many geek types for its command-line interface and lack of usability.
| —--Bill Gates, 1983, lol |
Microsoft Innovation[edit]
When people passed around his product (largely appropriated by him from the public domain (Google keyword ‘Dartmouth BASIC’,’ 8080’,’Altair BASIC’,’QDOS’ (Quick and Dirty Operating System, a ripoff of CP/M proven in court))), Bill Gates screamed "Piracy!". This use of the term "Software Piracy" may be Gates' only true innovation.
As better and more advanced operating systems became available, Microsoft programmers were eventually able to reverse-engineer enough of them to build their own advanced operating system, the result being Windows. While Apple Computer's CEO Steve Jobs claimed that Windows was a blatant rip-off of his and other companies' software, he was powerless to do anything about it because he had stolen his software from Xerox. (They held all the copyrights and were short-sighted assclowns who thought that IBM was the team to beat, thus, ignoring the petty world of personal computer software. No one really expected the PC to take over the market.)
Undaunted, Jobs went on the offensive, countering the threat to his business's market share by running his company into the ground and getting fired by the board of directors. Microsoft countered this move by releasing Windows 95 and reducing the Apple customer base to 4 people on 13 continents. As of 2005, Apple has rebounded somewhat and now has around 5 customers on 19 continents, still well behind Microsoft's registered user base of at least 87 trillion.
Recently Microsoft changed its DNS so that requests for www.microsoft.com no longer resolve to machines on Microsoft’s own network, but instead are handled by the Akamai caching system, which runs Linux. This is blatant proof that microsoft have hax, as noone can get anything to work on linux ESPECIALLY interfacing windows with linux! - News Article Here
Microsoft Products[edit]
Microsoft created Windows at least 100 years ago. It was thought to be a complete ripoff of Apple's operating system, but it later came to light that Apple had stolen the code from the Xerox Corporation, who had bought the rights to most of it from International Business Machines (IBM), which had secretly copied the work of Bell Labs, who earlier that year had bought it off a guy on eBay.
In 1995, Microsoft released a new version of Windows to much fanfare. While it improved many issues (including getting on the internets), it crashed all the time and became synonymous with the Blue Screen of Death.
In the late 90s, Microsoft was sued by the United States government, because they get pissed when people have more money than they do, using some antiquated monopoly law (it should be noted that the law was actually intended to stop the buying and selling of humans, and it is a term associated with the first Milton Bradley board game "Slavery"). Microsoft settled the case by promising to do nothing and giving the government money.
Microsoft hosts a barrage of lame sites, one of which being Msdn, which is really, really popular with 16-year-old girls and hackers who need more constructive things to do with their hands besides masturbating. The purpose of Msdn is to spread the joy and work ethic of computer programmers around the world by introducing a noob-like variety of coding programs, including Visual Basic, and Visual Studio. No one likes people who hate C++ because they are Average Microsoft Employes.
Public Perception[edit]
Everyone hates Microsoft:
- DOS users hate Microsoft because it is believed Microsoft sold out to Apple
- Apple users hate how Microsoft programs can be used anywhere, while Apple products (lolwut?) are hard to use on Windows. This is why Apple users tend to personify the elitist fucktard mentality.
- By extension, OS X users hate Windows because you can use it for more than listening to obscure bands and reading your blog.
- UNIX users hate how Windows actually works in the real world.
- Linux users hate how Microsoft isn't open source, but that is because most Linux users are Communists that are angry about the fact that Microsoft puts polish on their operating systems before releasing them instead of relying on the hippie BS selling point of Linux being free.
- Firefox users like Microsoft because Microsoft's browser is shit and everyone uses Firefox for the internet instead of IE. That is because the average internets user is a furry fox.
- Hotmail users hate Microsoft for spamming the fuck out of them after the buyout.
- Amiga users hate Microsoft because they hate everybody.
- Windows users hate Microsoft because Vista is a piece of shit.
- Microsoft hates Microsoft because Microsoft is an hero.
- Microsoft often refers you to the IT Department if you download a virus while downloading porn .
- Marathon gamers hate Microsoft because they bought out Bungie just so they could develop Gaylo for HUEGbox.
- Mecha-Hitler hates Bill Gates because Bill Gates programmed his operating system.
Summary[edit]
Microsoft is the American success story. Founded by a basement dweller who never even bothered trying to get laid, it is one of the world's top software companies. Since the stepdown of furry Bill Gates, it is being run by one of the world's richest crack addicts, Steve Ballmer.
In the early 80s, Bill Gates decided he wanted money for pr0n. So he went to Seattle Computer Company and offered a developer there $50K for DOS. He then went to International Butt Machines and sold them DOS for millions of dollars.
DOS was good. It ran Lotus, Wordperfect, and some game with monkeys throwing bananas at each other. This was not enough for Bill Gates. He became friends with Steve Jobs and ripped off his Macintosh OS to create Windows 1. While it said WindowS, it was a piece of crap that only opened 1 window and then crashed. This was due to the fact that Microsoft had to actually program it themselves. Considering that the programming staff probably never drank or did drugs, it was expected Windows would be crap.
So they created Windows 2. This was also a steaming pile of crap that crashed all the time. Nuff said.
Later on, they created Windows 3. While it actually allowed you to open more than one Window, it still sucked the balls. This was Microsoft's crowning achievement.
At the same time, people stuck with DOS. Given the times, people started wanting silly things like sound support and VGA graphics in their games. Microsoft gave support by means of config files that were a pain in the ass and memory managers that made systems crash.
IBM saw how much Microsoft sucked and tried making OS2, but it was too late... They sued IBM for trying to rip off what Microsoft themselves ripped off of other people.
Around the early 90s, MS's stock had risen to the point that everyone except 95% of the staff became billionaires. This included Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer, Paul Allen (quit Micro$oft after amassing both $18 billion dollars and a little cancer), and some furry who was Bill's sex slave at night, and the janitor. Everyone else was told to shut up and start programming Windows 95. So they shat out Windows for Workgroups, which sucked.
During this time, the courts started realizing, "Hey. These assholes at Microsoft are making shitty OS's and at the same time shutting down attempts to make decent ones." Microsoft was attacked by the supreme court. Microsoft simply swatted them away like flies.
In 1995, Microsoft released Windows 95. It was a prettier Windows that supported multi-tasking, Direct X, and Plug-n-Play hardware. Alas, it still crashed even running one program, Direct X needed to be installed and reinstalled every time you tried to play a game, and Plug-n-Play always assigned devices the same IRQs, making them never work.
MS released Windows NT, which achieved excellent security and stability by preventing anything, hardware or software, from working.
In 1997, they released OSR2 USB, which was Win 95 with broken USB support.
In 1998, Windows 98 was released. It was Windows 95 OSR2 USB. The only difference was that Internet Explorer was integrated in order to prevent people from uninstalling the piece of crap. It also came with the Windows 98 Boot Disk, which was a smart move considering that you will find yourself using it to give DOS CD-ROM capabilities in order to fix 98.
In 2000, Microsoft offered the first functional OS to businesses: Windows 2K. It was actually somewhat decent. At the same time, they offered regular people the steaming pile of crap known as Windows ME. This thing was so bad that Microsoft even publicly apologized for it.
At the same time, Bill Gates was wiping his ass with billions of dollars and said, "Screw it." He gave the company over to Steve Ballmer,an extraordinary businessman. He was endowed with many useful gifts such as dancing to Miami Sound Machine while screaming, saying "developers" a hundred times a second, and taking away what little incentive programmers had left and gave it to friends in the Supreme Court who constantly wouldn't shut up about 'monopoly' this and 'unethical business practices' that. (Amazing how that one just died suddenly, huh?)
In 2002, MS released XP Home, which was an even flashier and buggier Windows. They managed to totally fuck up XP even further by taking away basic features such as disk defrag and disk scanner. They also abolished DOS and changed it to "Command Prompt" which meant nothing ran right. And they took essential system tools like ipconfig and removed the GUIs making them change from easy-to-use to pain-in-the-ass-to-use.
In '03, Microsoft released Professional which merely gave back disk maintenance tools and fixed a big gaping hole that was discovered right when XP Home was first released.
In 07, Microsoft finally released "Project Longdick" in the form of Vista, a resource hog that doesn't run anything. Bill Gates also announced his retirement.
In 09, Microsoft realized Vista sucked dick. M$ called Chuck Norris and he helped slightly upgrade Vista, rename it to 7, and sell it for $120 to unsuspecting noobs
Microsoft should also be noted for ripping off other "innovations" including: Internet Exploder (Netscape), Excel (Lotus 1-2-3), Word (Wordperfect), XBox (a Microsoft PC that runs Halo as well as a million other crappy games), XBox 360 (which runs Halo 3 as well as a bunch of other crappy games Modern Warfare 2), and Xune (which is an superior ripoff of the iPod.)
IMPORTANT LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Bill Gates never tires of confronting naysayers who attribute his billionaire success to nothing but his stunningly good looks, his sexy, charismatic vibes and appealing body odeur. Even today (2011), past his prime as a hairless, boyish robot, Bill Gates is paranoid of "being treated like a dumb piece of rape-toy" and frequently tells it to the enstranged masses that he has earned his riches by framing competitors, committing all sorts of white-collar crimes, misappropriating other peoples' intellectual property, taking credit for third parties' achievements, black-mailing both partners and customers and bribing the right politicians. END OF IMPORTANT LEGAL DISCLAIMER.
His Method of Success[edit]
- Start a new software company.
- Become so rich that the government gets jelly and tries to cockblock your profits.
- Bail out a small, failing company out of pity.
- Sit back and watch your small company grow.
- Make sure that the CEO of said company has a god complex.
- Retire worth 10x more than the small company CEO.
- Spend money on education and researching cures for nearly every disease EXCEPT cancer.
- Watch CEO's ego grow.
- Watch CEO's cancer grow.
- Watch CEO die of cancer.
- Start major funding for cancer research the same day.
- ????
- PROFIT!!1!
Last day at Micro$oft[edit]
Documenting Bill's last day as CEO of Microshat accompanied by nerd humor. So now, no one cares if the little shit is dead or not. He's running a "Foundation" that gives away billions, so maybe he's a frozen corpse in a cryogenic tube, maybe ass-fucking Walt Disney's equally frozen corpse. Squeal like a little piggie, Billy!
See Also[edit]
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Bill Gates is part of a series on Aspies. | [Sperg out] |
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Bill Gates is part of a series on Microsoft [Welcome] |
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Bill Gates is part of a series on Programming. [Enter the Matrix] |
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Firefox XPS IRC Attack • Forkbomb • Safari XPS Attack • Sandworm
Bill Gates • Linus Torvalds • Weev • Goatse Security • Theo de Raadt • Terry Davis
Operating system • Warez • Notepad • Is not a bug, it's a feature • Database Error |
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 Bill Gates is part of a series on Web 1.0 |
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Bill Gates is part of a series on Visit the Softwarez Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article September 29, 2006 | ||
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