Michelle Phan
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Michelle Phan = infected with GOTIS You can help by not giving her any attention.
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Michelle Phan (also known as Michelle Phail and RiceBunny) is an azn (Vietnamese to be specific) makeup guru on JewTube who came to mainstream fame after posting a Lady Gaga tutorial showing off her Phan love of wanting to look like a hermaphrodite. Since then, she has started working for Lancome, but we all know it's a lie to cover up the fact that she does blowjobs regularly to keep up with the bills. Phan used to own her own skin care line called IQQU, but only dumb sluts buy that shit. Sucks for you if you contracted herpes from using the products, because Michelle's already got your money.
Michelle is regularly regarded as someone to stay away from in the beauty community. Aside from her frivolous lying, she is prone to unoriginal, half-assed make-up tutorials, her necessity to shove her religion in everyone's faces, her unwarranted self-importance, and her frequent bursts of immaturity when people give her constructive criticism. Surprisingly, for someone who represents Lancome, her works hardly offer the same caliber and her professionalism leaves much to be desired. Take great caution when viewing any of her videos.
| —Spoken like a true professional | ||
Contents
Her Beautiful Story[edit]
Michelle's rise to fame on JewTube is remarkable considering she supposedly came from a poor background, to the point where her family survived on food stamps. You really have to wonder if that's true when you see her running around with expensive shit like La Mer creams, $12,000 Balmain jackets, and new cars. In order to balance out all her spending, Michelle was left with several options: study hard for a well-paying career, marry rich, or whore herself out.
Realizing it was impossible to snag anyone with her looks, Michelle decided to be sensible and go with her first option. She repeatedly claims she majored in dermatology throughout her academic career, which is utter bullshit, because Tampa Bay Technical High School doesn't even have a dermatology program. Instead, after a couple of grueling years, she graduated with a certification in radiology. Rather than putting that license to use, Michelle realized that she was an artist at heart, and all the money her allegedly poor mother spent on her education was all for naught! Thus, ignoring all the sacrifices her mom made for her, Michelle skipped off to an expensive ass art school, the Ringling College of Art and Design. In spite of her major in illustration, her crappy drawing skills would indicate otherwise. The only evidence we have of her artwork is Michelle's shitty Final Fantasy fanart on her DeviantART account.
On the Internet, Michelle made ridiculously lulzy blog posts on Blogger about her being a Wiccan, evil, and, eventually, emo posts for her white knights to gobble up. She later came to the conclusion that Blogger didn't offer enough enough potential for e-fame, so she deleted her account and made a Xanga page in 2004. It wasn't long before Michelle discovered JewTube. Once her first videos became popular for obvious reasons, she realized that she was a star and meant to shine! Thus, Michelle's lifelong dream of earning money without moving a muscle was set.
Since becoming a YouTube celebrity, Michelle dropped out of college to dedicate all her time to her YouTube career. These days, she doesn't use her Xanga much anymore, although she is active on Facebook and Twitter. Both are full of lulzy posts and contradictions that showcase Michelle's shitty grasp of the English language. Occasionally she releases some new artwork claiming she came up with the concept all in her head even though she obviously traces photos of landscapes and celebrities.
At some point later on, Michelle had a sugar daddy boyfriend named Carl Choi, who is rich (and fugly) enough to have his own page on Wikipedia! According to that article, he works on "Asian American representation in the media." In other words, he is a pimp who advocates for equal rights for Azn hookers in the prostitution industry. Since he's traded up Michelle for someone else, Michelle has lost her one chance to wealth and becoming the next Kim Kardashian, thank God.
Videos and claims to originality[edit]
| —Michelle, speaking the truth for once in a comment on her Micro Bead Nails tutorial | ||
In her make-up tutorials, Michelle displays her artistic ability via a penchant for rubbing weirdass shit on her face to make millions from her viewers. Her viewers consist mainly of 16 year olds, sick fucks, and you; most of them either complain about not seeing enough boobs or not being able to afford the crap she's using. In November 2010, Michelle became the no. 1 most subscribed female on YouTube and the first person to reach 1 million subscribers, but it's obvious she paid her way through with her hard-earned money. As Michelle fosters the mentality of a 12-year-old girl, she refuses to admit any of her mistakes, opting to cover herself up with poorly made lies whenever someone calls her out on her errors. Whenever she does come out, it's usually by her drawing her pathetic "I'm human so I will always make mistakes!" card. Since she assumes that the majority of her gullible viewers are the same, it's not a surprise that anyone with common sense would steer clear in fear of catching her own stupidity.
Michelle's techniques were and still are lackluster, as she did not receive any formal training in applying make-up. This can be seen in the fact that she is horrible at applying make-up on anyone other than those who share her own face type.
Like every internet celebrity, Michelle copies complete nobodies, like Arissa Cheo and the Japanese slut MANWOMANFILM. When confronted, Michelle denied copying Arissa, and said she was inspired by the "rocker chic" of Lindsay Lohan and women in China. Yeah, right.
Between the years of 2009 and 2010, Michelle reached mainstream fame with her tutorial of resident hermaphrodite Lady Gaga, just as she planned. Obviously, since noone really gives a fuck about her "original" looks, she decided to cash in on celebrity looks while Lady Gaga remained relevant in today's society. This eventually led her to be picked up by Lancome, where she works there as their video producer. From then on, we can safely conclude that her videos have all buckled in quality due to laziness.
Since Michelle's debut with Lancome, her videos have pretty much jumped the shark. Though now considered a beauty specialist, her recent videos are rehashes of her older tutorials, only with different colors. It's quite jarring to see how much she improved by comparing how many tutorials she has done for glasses, airplanes, and eyeliners. The amount of times she does the same tricks can practically become its own drinking game. At the same time, she indulges in sponsorships from make-up companies when given the opportunity to do so.
Similar to her laziness in trying new tricks or improving her make-up applying skills, Michelle's lack of research in the latest fashion trends is evident in her tutorials on looks she's previously never even heard of. In spite of her being compelled to introduce fashion trends like the beauty know-all she is expected to be, her sloppy ass tutorial would say something about her expertise. Kudos to embarrassing the hell out of yourself and the company you represent, Michelle.
| —Bobert100, generous in not mentioning Michelle is already scary without contacts | ||
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Religion[edit]
Michelle likes to project herself as a perfect and pure woman, continually reminding everyone that she is a devout Christian (though she once claimed to be Wiccan on her Blogger page). She also likes to remind her viewers that she believes inner beauty is the most important thing, which is clearly a load of shit, since even she herself can recognize that she's fucking ugly without any makeup on.
Regarding her religion, Michelle has made some pretty fucked up observations that even the Westboro Baptist Church would find weird. For instance, one of the most glaringly obvious examples of her contradictory Christian beliefs is her love of bragging about the ugly shit that she owns. Oh, and who can forget about the "Chicken and Rice" story?
| —Michelle Phail, thinking rice and chicken could prove the existence of God | ||
As a gamer and otaku[edit]
Apparently, since the world has never heard of these strange media franchises called anime and video games, Michelle feels it's her duty to become the to-go informant and culture her viewers on what these artifacts are, treating her audience as if they virtually have an IQ lower than hers. Apparently, you are a retard for not being familiar with them, because you totally don't know what you're missing!
Michelle's particularly vocal about her being an otaku and hardcore video game nerd, going so far as to claim that the Azn girl in Uncharted 2 was originally going to be based off of her. How much she dabbles in animu and vidya games is strikingly blatant when she shows that she actually knows jack shit about either of the two, yet makes herself out to be a gigantic fan, similar to her sub par pace with the latest fashion trends. Apparently she doesn't play video games frequently, just Final Fantasy like every other weeaboo. And she doesn't even play that often. It's pretty obvious since girls who do play video games are fat virgins. Consensus concludes that she only talks about it just to get some cock. Clever, innit? Only you would notice that, though.
At some point in time, Michelle had a giveaway for IQQU products through a game of Call of Duty against her. Since she knows that she sucks more at the game than she sucks dick, and that her image as a girl gamer would go down in flames once the truth got out, she got her then-boytoy Carlos to play in her place and proceeded to throw a hissy fit when he continuously reminded her to mail out the prizes.
Despite her drastic giveaway Phailure, in order to bolster her image as a girl gamer, Michelle created a gaming channel called PressStart with a nigger. She had an agreement with her friend to produce videos for PressStart on an alternating schedule. She has since stopped making any sort of content for PressStart out of pure laziness. This is not really a loss for anybody, because it is obvious that less than 0.1% of Michelle's subscribers actually give a shit about her gaming.
Seeing as PressStart was a major flop, Michelle returned to her channel and discovered she could integrate her two favorite interests together: anime/video game make-up tutorials! Thus came tutorials for Hatsune Miku, Sailor Moon, and Final Fantasy looks. It's too bad she was never that good enough at making her own costumes to partake in cosplay, not to mention the irony in the fact that the characters she chose to base tutorials off of never really had that much noticeable make-up in the first place. Thanks for showing us how much eyeshadow Serah wore, even if she wasn't wearing that much in the actual Final Fantasy XIII-2 game!
Generosity[edit]
Aside from her makeup and gaming channels, Michelle also has a third channel, RiceBunny, where she uploads videos of random shit and uses whatever measly proceeds she collects to donate to charity. At first, she barely uploaded videos to this channel at all due to laziness. After a few months of making content, Michelle stopped making content for her third channel again. People can only speculate that she stopped making videos for charity because she is a lazy and greedy bitch.
Michelle once took part in a cause to donate to victims of malaria. She claimed to be donating "all day" despite the fact that the system only supported three donations per person.
Michelle is a huge advocator for eco-friendly products, if by being eco-friendly means supporting a company that is notorious for testing on animals. So what if Lancome tests on animals? She gets paid for it, so she can use all that money for eco-friendly causes!
Mr. Bun Bun drama[edit]
Possibly the biggest incident of Michelle's excessive attention whoring is her dead bunny, Mr. Bun Bun, who appeared in some of her videos. When Mr. Bun Bun got AIDs, Michelle took to Twitter and basically BAWWWED. Immediately, her white knights pandered on her thirst for attention. At some point, Michelle even brought Mr. Bun Bun to her church and claimed that the power of God cured him of his ailments when the veterinarians couldn't. Some power it was, because Mr. Bun Bun ended up dying anyway. Ashamed at how God failed her, she somehow decided that Mr. Bun Bun isn't worth mentioning anymore since her attempt at a religious propaganda bombed. Now, she has been actively in denial playing up the drama about him, but to this day there is still many a white knighting about her tragic loss.
Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
Business venture Phailures[edit]
IQQU-gate[edit]
Michelle was one of the owners of the skincare line IQQU and often whores it out in her videos. Noone knows where IQQU is actually headquartered, since Michelle had opened an office for it in Florida but the shit was manufactured in Thailand. Ooh, exported labor?
IQQU, in fact, is basically a cheap attempt at copying the skincare line SUQQU. A cheap second-rate measure to milk off of SUQQU's success under the guise of claiming not to "suqqu", it not only takes upon a name that sounds like someone throwing up, but also "suqqus" much worse. Icku is herpes gift-wrapped and you'd have to be really dumb to use that mess. In fact, Michelle only showed off IQQU in her videos, since even she's smart enough to know that shit is fucking dangerous, and uses La Mer and Lancome when no one is looking. Unfortunately, 12-year-old sluts who are not as smart are gulled into believing her skin care miracles and feed her money. Basically, if you bought IQQU, Michelle just trolled you.
In 2009, some 12 year old girl threatened Michelle with a lawsuit, but was too chickenshit to follow through when she realized she'd have to get her parents involved. In early February 2011, however, some no-lifers discovered IQQU wasn't FDA-approved and Michelle actually had no legal rights to market the products anymore unless she renews her already-expired LLC. Ohhh, dang! Michelle pressed the panic button, realizing that she's in a pile of deep shit if this ever reaches court, and now claims that she doesn't own IQQU anymore. Orly?
myGlam and other collaborations[edit]
Following the failure of IQQU, last Thursday, Michelle made more business ventures through collaborations with third-rate designers to little success. 2011 saw the launch of myGlam, a shockingly but hilariously sad attempt at copying MySpace out of all the concepts Michelle could have used. Not surprisingly, myGlam was an epic fail and it's now dead to everyone, including Michelle herself. It's now revived as "ipsy" in September 2012, with the users named "ipsters", but everyone knows it's going to flop again.
In an attempt to invigorate her beauty career even further, Michelle introduced FAWN, Inc. (Failing and Wanking Network, Inc.) with her friends. Anyone who has seen videos from FAWN realizes that it's a rehash of her rehashed make-up tutorials on her main channel, but with more embarrassing camwhoring. What was that about being original again, Michelle?
Plastic surgery[edit]
Remember when Michelle kept talking about how she encourages other women to embrace their flaws and empower themselves with make-up? Turns out this is actually means, "Just go get plastic surgery or teeth-whitening procedures." Michelle took to her own advice by getting chin fillers that rival Pixyteri's enormous chin. Funny thing is she continues to pass off her new chin as the result of her orthodontic treatment and weight loss, which anyone can figure out is a very thinly veiled lie. After a few more weeks of chin comments, Michelle got fed up and told the truth.
| —She finally admits it | ||
Not surprisingly, her fangirls continue to insist that Michelle's new jawline was credited towards the aforementioned bullshit excuses Michelle gave, not realizing that their beauty queen has admitted she got Botox herself.
Lawsuit[edit]
2014 saw the coming of major lulz when in July, Ultra Records decided to bitchslap Michelle's Botoxed face with a lawsuit for using music from their record label without permission in her videos. Ultra Records is demanding $150,000 per song, which means if Michelle loses, she can kiss her career and deadbeat boyfriend goodbye.
Michelle's fans are staunchly protesting on the grounds that, "You never would have this much popularity if Michelle didn't use your music!" or "But Michelle always credits the songs used in the videos and her description!" That's not how copyright law works, you dumbasses.
Legion of Phans[edit]
| —lachichi1708 @ JewTube, who just came back from giving Michelle cunnilingus yet can't even get her name right | ||
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| —Michelle, siccing her army on anyone who goes as much as to tell her how to improve | ||
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| —pinkpuddlz101, attempting a lost cause | ||
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Michelle has a bunch of Phans who will attack you if you insult her faster than you'll ever get laid. Her Phans, which consist of mostly 12 year old girls, will not hesitate to spam with a vengeance, as their dear idol can do no wrong. Even go as far to giving advice on how Michelle can improve her make-up techniques will unleash an onslaught of death threats from her admirers. Unfortunately for you, it's your fault for speaking out against her in the first place. Michelle apparently can't do anything about it because she doesn't care. This is A++ professionalism right there.
The story is all the same: Michelle will make blog/Facebook/Twitter posts whining about how the h8rs hurt her feelings. This call to arms is followed up by her cowering behind her shield of loser Phans as they defend their Guru Goddess. Seeing as all of her Phans will respond with pretty much the same "you're just jealous because you're ugly", the fact that Michelle advocates such baseless responses is a clear indicator of her own intelligence. Sometimes, Michelle will sometimes fight back, but, after noticing how much she phails at being witty and that Stephenie Meyer can write a better response than her, will try to walk it off and tell her followers to "let the haters hate."
An example of such cattiness happened in September 2010 on Twitter. When Michelle was busy making yet another crappy make-up tutorial for Halloween. Some 16-year-old girl named Emily told said that Michelle's animu tutorials were dumb. Michelle RAAAEGED because HOW DARE ANYONE MAKE FUN OF HER ANIMUS!!!1111 So, she sicced her army onto Emily, who went on to become an hero.
At one point in time, Michelle was caught white knighting herself under a sock puppet by the name of "kimsoshy", easily giving herself away with the same typing habits, shitty grammar, and terms only Michelle herself would use. Since she wants to make it look like she has a lot of fans when she really doesn't, this could be evidence for her declining popularity and her attempts to reestablish herself as someone important.
Despite her number of "supporters", both Michelle and her Phans are ridiculously easy to troll. Just say something like "your foundation is too orange", "you are applying blush to the wrong part of your face", or "you pronounced kabuki incorrectly" and watch the RAAAAEG blossom for the next five days. Telling her to stop trying to be Lady Gaga and Michael Jackson also does the trick. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the lulz.
Many people better than you have already tried to reach out to Michelle by getting her to grow up and stop being a 16-year-old girl. It hasn't worked. Give up while you can.
Gallery of Phail[edit]
Michelle shows us how classy she is by lying about being poor.
Copying Arissa Cheo.
Nothing says devout Christian like a tacky cross ring.
This overexpensive dogshit she peddles.
Michelle covers her ass with a chocobo.
Ur trying too hard
Chicken & Rice
Extra White-sauce?
Useful Links[edit]
michellephan - The makeup vidz
ricebunny - A great way to troll her is to make her butthurt by saying "Michael Jackson/animu/video games/your make-up product sucks".- ricebunny - Her retarded charity channel
- kimsoshy - Michelle Phail creates lots of accounts to make extra subbers.
- Facebook account
- ~Official~ Facebook account
- Michelle Phail tumblr
- Her blog
- DeviantART account
- IQQU Beauty - Does she still own this shitty skincare line?
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