Cock
A Cock is what men have that makes them better than women. Rather than having a gaping, lukewarm hole for genitalia, men possess a hefty phallus with a knob on top and a hole at the tip allowing them to easily urinate standing up, put out small fires, and convert lesbians and virgins into useful, productive members of society. It is well known that the cock is superior to the vagina. This is clearly acknowledged by the internets and so must be true. According to feminists, possessing a cock automatically makes you a rapist.
Cocks spew many things, including, but not limited to: semen, urine, blood, and ants. According to the Great and Holy Talmud, the latter-most is a bad omen from Yahweh and you should never go to a repellent Jew doctor if this happens.
Contents
Reasons Why It's Good to Have a Cock[edit]
- Urination time is on average 30 seconds.
- You don't have to sit down on some filthy-ass public toilet.
- You can piss your name in the snow.
- A big bulge in your pants will help you get laid.
- Having sex is actually enjoyable.
- You can do more sex positions with a cock than without one.
- Rape is easier to commit.
- You have a fun toy to play with when you're bored.
- You can easily get away with pissing in public.
- Masturbation is a lot simpler.
- Masturbation is more fun when you can aim it at things.
Where to Put a Cock[edit]
People
- In a girl
- In a guy
- In an unwilling stranger
- In a Femidom/Condom if the unwilling stranger has Aidz
- In a willing stranger
- In a rotting corpse
- In a child
- In your neighbor
- In a corpse's mouth at a funeral
- In your mom
- In your dad
- In your grandma
- In your sister
- In your cousin
- In an animal
- In your pet
- In a whore
- In a slut
- In a bitch
- In a dyke
- In yourself
- In your teacher/professor/instructor
- In your principle
- In a robot/cyborg
Places
- In the ass
- In the mouth
- In the vagina
- Inside another cock
- In a condom (archaic)
- In an armpit
- In the ear
- In the eye (hence "cockeyed")
- In the tear ducts
- In a gloryhole
- In a volcano
- In McDonald's
- At a butcher shop
- In a paper shredder
- In an exhaust pipe
- In the washing machine
- In a pelican's asshole
- In a beehive
- In a rat's ass
- In a hot cup of coffee
- In your toilet hole
- In the bellybutton
- In an electrical socket
- In shards of glass
- In your own ass, mouth or vagina
- In a skull
- In any bodily opening, including a self-inflicted wound such as a papercut
- Atop a pile of trash.
- In a ant mound
- In a pencil sharpener
- In a pot of scalding hot oil
- In a pool of bleach
- In a pool of Sulfuric acid
- In the barrel of a fully loaded firearm
- In the barrel of a fully loaded rocket launcher
- In a blender
- In your fireplace
- In scalding hot water
- In the mouth of a bottle
- In front of a camera
- In a blowup doll
- In anything you can wrap cock around in
- In any tight hole you can fit your cock in
- EVERYWHERE!* With the following exceptions:
Where Not to Put Cock[edit]
People
- Chin-chan
- Girlvinyl
- Snapesnogger
- Sonichu
- Rex Beowulf
- Kirk Johnson – You couldn't feel it anyway with that gaping anus of his.
- Dorian Thorn – The outcome is probably not what you're expecting.
- Children – This could land you in prison where you'll meet Bubba.
- College Sex Bloggers – unless you want your cock rated and ridiculed.
- Kim Kardashian
Places
- AIDS-filled pools
- Diabeetus-filled fools
- Blood-covered tools
- Puddles of drool
- Glory hole
- Through any hole of a fursuit
- Mouse trap (and any other)
- Jacuzzi jets
List of Known Cock-Lovers[edit]
Many people are well known for how much they crave the cock. Here are just a few of the many people that truly love the cock.
Boys
- All furries – Despite their protestations to the contrary.
- Armin Meiwes – Loves the cock so much he actually ate someones cock.
- Dorian Thorn
- Gerard Way
- Gorilla199
- Chris Crocker
- Hal Turner
- You
- Howler
- iconoclast – Likes the pole and the hole.
- jameth
- Jeffree Star
- Larry Craig
- Lady Gaga (Yes the gender is correct)
- NeoLobster
- NeuGristle87
- Perez Hilton
- Sigurdur Hjartarson (see below)
- Angry Homo Kid
- Goronchev
Size[edit]
The truth about penis size is plain and simple: your penis is too small. Sexually speaking, most women couldn't care less about the size of their man's penis; they’re moar interested in what the man does to make them feel good and money. Without one or both of these, you have no chance.
Apologists argue that if you're gay, your male partner is probably more interested in finding antique Cher paraphernalia on eBay than the size of your piece of pork. Right—maybe if you're over 80. In reality, every gay man fantasizes about having the biggest cock possible in their mouth and up their ass, so if you're gay, you're especially fucked. Literally and repeatedly—you will never be the top as long as you live.
One thing is for certain: whether straight or gay, if you have a small cock, are poor, are getting up there in years (over the age of 30 or so) and are fat, you're basically doomed to die alone. You might as well start sucking dicks for money and/or crack and getting your love at truck-stop bathroom glory holes, because you aren't getting any anytime soon.
Clinical Micropenis[edit]
A bacterial infection which devours cock muscle, leaving your member miniature and permanently excluded from all vaginae. To determine if you suffer from clinical micropenis, start by whipping out your wife-pipe. Grab the longest pubic hair you have and pull it straight. If you don't shave your pubes and it's still longer than your member, you're fucked. Or rather, you will never be fucked. As an interesting side note, those with Clinical Micropenis can often be mistaken as lesbians.
Penis Enlargement[edit]
Many young guys feel shy talking around their pals due to the small size of their cocks. Thankfully, pseudoscience has the answer. The penis Qigong is just one of the best magical techniques that can be used to ENLARGE YOUR SHRINKY-DINK TODAY FOR ONLY 5 EASY PAYMENTS OF $19.95.
If you’re seriously considering buying one of these fantastic products, then study the lessons from The Anti-Penis Propaganda Foundation for Non-Profit Penis Size Information and Thundersplace.com. OR JUST VISIT HERE IF YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING PUSSY AND WANT TO ENLARGE YOUR TINY COCK TODAY!
Synonyms for Cock[edit]
Anaconda, banana, beef stick, bell-end, boner, carrot, Cavalier, chode, cranny ax, cunt wrecker, dick, ding-a-ling, ding-dong, dipstick, dong, doughnut holder, fireman, front-mounted bitch splitter, harbl, hard-on, hot dog, johnson, knob, lap rocket, love muscle, love stick, Lil' Jimmy Norton, magic wand, man cannon, man-shaft, meat, meat missile, meat whistle, nether rod, ol' one-eye, one-eyed [whatever], pecker, pee-pee, peen, penis, penor/pen0r, phallus, piece of pork, PINGAS, pink oboe, pork steeple, pork sword, prick, purple-headed warrior, purple mushroom, pussy plunger, rod, sausage, skin flute, schlong, shaft, soldier, spunk stick, stiffy, throbber, third leg, towel rail, trouser snake, Twanger, wang, wee-wee, weenie, weiner, Whickerbill, willy, whoopie stick, womb raider, woody, yogurt slinger, your precious, and finally, that thing you will never put anywhere except the palm of your hand (and possibly the occasional watermelon or Japanese sex doll).
Cock Envy[edit]
Porn addicts often feel jealous about the ridiculously large apparent size of the penises of the male actors in pornography. This view is, however, founded on unrealistic expectations, as pornographers use tricks such as special cock-enlarging camera angles and tiny, flat-chested, seemingly prepubescent female actresses.
Sigurður Hjartarson Wants Your Cock[edit]
Sigurður Hjartarson loves the cock. He has a disturbing number of cocks from at least 90 different animal species. He runs the Icelandic Phallological Museum. It wasn't a museum originally; he just had a house full of cocks. One day, however, he left the door unlocked, a bunch of lost tourists wandered in and he had to think of an explanation quickly or risk being IRL B&. As part of the glorious fiscal mismanagement that would later lead to Iceland's total financial collapse, the government felt the need to fund this with tax dollars.
Hjartarson's dream is to have a human shlong specimen. Four hopeful candidates have come forward to give this kindly elderly gent his last wish: a German, Sportacus, a Britfag, and an American who calls his cock "Elmo."
Can Anonymous do better? Do your part! prag.2512@gmail.com Click here and donate your penis today!
Videos[edit]
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Gallery[edit]
If your cock falls under any of these, you are completely normal, especially #1. Motherfuckers be drillin' bitches.
The reason you came to this page.
Did the knot cock accidentally their dong?
A pumped penis, is a plump penis!
Nature has a fucked up sense of humor
What a feminist will do to you
Shaving doesn't always make it look big.
A simple case of the goodballs. This happens when you fuck Mexican women.
This is what a typical penis looks like. If yours looks different than this, you should see a doctor.
—What the...?
Not all penises are shaped the same way...
Hail your new Lord!
Cocks like to talk to each other
Evil dick tastes better!
DONGS IN ACTION!
muh diik :3
Awesome!!!
Happycock is happy!
But Angrycock is angry.
Sadcock is sho ronery ;_;
Ambivalentcock is ambivalent.
Dead cock is dead.
Yo ho ho! A pirate's life for me!
=P
This is why Junior sucks his thumb, dear.
A cock attempting to strangle a woman.
Choking the chode.
Some people have two.
Small, ungroomed pen0r.
A cock with no body? Who wouldn't love it?
Fly, Eaglecock, fly!
Some cocks like to eat olives.
Pokefags like cocks.
Some cocks are smaller than others.
Two heads are always better than one, right?
4chan likes cocks.
The cock in its proper place.
Nature's raep tool.
The Comcast challenge.
Five cocks would make any nigger jealous.
Can they?
Man clit
Standby and sexual assault mode.
HO SHI-
That's not funny.
Your cock.
You are the one on the right.
Sometimes they just pop up out of nowhere.
What this page is all about.
Fucking animals usually precedes unwarranted self importance.
This chart proves that Asians have small penises.
Spot the rotten egg!
O HALO
Some people like to brag about their cocks.
If your penis does not look like this, there is something seriously wrong with you.
This kid loves big cocks.
DELICIOUS COCK SOUP: YOU MUST EAT IT!
Some penis may be surprising.
Say it!
Built-in Tape Player, feature dis-continued as of 1998
Mario's cock.
Spider-man has a tiny, tiny cock.
lol photography
Quite possibly the only normal cock on ED.
Iceland. Come to where the cock is.
Women love the caulk
Some people are born with cocks on their arms.
In Thailand, cock is the primary ingredient in fish sauce.
AN-TI-CI-PAY-AY-SHUN
Jews mutilate their children via circumcision, leaving their poor children with no foreskin on their cocks; said mutilation depicted above.
Penis Power
Beware of the Dildo Monster.
Just chillin' like a villain.
Whoa!
Dorian luuurves his cawk.
Never look an Afghan girl in the eyes.
Why you should never go swimming in Australia, ever.
Be quiet or Brock will steal your penis.
When your cock goes into the wrong hands.
Mario likes cocks.
black person cock
Look at that Asian cock!
LOOK AT THAT MOTHERFUCKING ASIAN COCK!
Look at that BIG AZN COCK!
Dorian Thorn enjoys peanut butter on his cock.
Truly sad.
As always,
JapanSouth Korea is in last place.
Are you man enough to cut your own dick off with a knife?
Look at that crust!
A flaming cock.
Size matter, especially if you are a White man who likes Asian Girls
Some cocks are spiked and are raided in EverQuest.
Photoshop enthusiasts love cocks; sadly, the cocks they shoop are do not want.
Big Black Cock
Black men lie about their real dick size
A t-shirt that will get you arrested.
It came from under the table.
"I can't see the display; your cock is in the way."
Chris Forcand has a tiny dick.
My cock, let me show you it.
Cocks can serve as refreshing drink dispensers.
White Cocks vs Black Cocks
White Cocks
Azns have small dicks,as evidenced here.
God made Adam's penis small
Spiderman has a tiny dick.
Sepia cock.
Some men have two cocks.
What to do with two penises.
What to do with two penises.
What to do with two penises.
Your penis in infrared.
LOL @ ur tiny dick.
LOL @ your tiny dick.
Women crave and need the cock.
G-strings make your dick smaller.
They need it white
Actual photo of Chris Chan's ugly broken cock. This is why you shouldn't try to fuck yourself in the ass.
Luckily for Chris Chan, some girls like broken, backward, deformed cocks.
Size is directly determined by race.
A hung black dude.
Why halo thar
Usual reaction to a cock
Software that converts soft dongs into hard dongs.
This important local political figure has a reasonably photoshopped penis.
Penis comparisons of France, USA, and Korea
Watch out or Brock will steal your penis just like he stole this man's.
Some men have been able to grow back new cocks after having theirs cut off, but they are DO NOT WANT.
What OP eats for breakfast every morning.
Dr. Piness OB/GYN
a rare photograph of the Prophet Muḥammad's asian prick (no wonder he had to marry a 6-year-old huh?)
Another use for the cock
Americans have bald eagles for cocks.
You have been brainwashed into sucking dick all your life.
Two dicks are better than one.
flaccid two dicks
The Dick can be a powerful instrument
Korean men have the smallest dicks in the world
Niggers have monkey dicks
Black men have such small dicks.
Black cock is biiiiiiiiig.
M&Ms are made from cocks.
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See Also[edit]
- HappyCock
- DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
- Circumcision
- Foreskin
- Vasectomy
- Castration
- Bonertron
- Goose Cock
- Dildo
- Dick Cheney
- Iron penis
- Monsquaz
- Mary Bell She liked cutting dicks off
- Edward Penishands
- Cockboat
- Dongcopter
- Dick Masterson
- I TOUCHED HIS PENIS!! OMG
- Cockmongler
- Nutshot
- The Dongs template (more cock pictures)
- Why is there a huge cock on the top left corner?
- My Tiny Dick
- Anthony Weiner
External Links[edit]
- Penis radio ad (1) – According to the New Zealand AIDS foundation, there is a National Penis Day...
- Penis radio ad (2) ...but it kind of seems like it might be every Thursday according to this radio ad.
- Documentary of Penis Pictures – A massive archive of free penis pictures and surveys that tries to be serious, but ended up being a big collection of funny looking cocks.
- MONSTERSOFCOCK – Another fine place to see cock, featuring a FAQ so fine it deserves reproduction:
- Even though it quite literally has, no practical function, he still considers it The "Perfect" Penis.
- Small penis contest
- Small cocks for the lolz
- How to Practice Iron Penis (Iron Balls) Qigong
- User-submitted cock pictures – Show yours off—you know you want to.
- Here's another one.
- KNUCKLES FROM SONIC THE HEDGEHOG HAS A 4-HEADED PENIS. Seriously..
- Two balls, no cock? One ball, one cock? YOU DECIDE!.
- Social networking site for dicks
- IbrokeMyPenis.com
- THE FAILPIPE: Camwhore made himself impotent, ruins his life
- Awkward Boners
- Penomet to improve your penis size
- Redtube: a man born with TWO DICKS fucks some chick
- The Visualiser: Compare your cock with the cock of blackzilla!
- Monster Cockz
- Robocop REALLY hates cocks
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