Naruto
Naruto (also referred to as "Ninja Brokeback Mountain") is an animu about sand ninjas and eugenics. It is a gateway anime of the worst kind riddled with one-dimensional characters who lack development, poor pacing, numerous plot holes, shitty villains who "aren't really so bad in the end", an anime saturated in filler arcs, a final arc with a complicated mess of a plot that stretched on for a year, massive abuse of plot armor to cover up shitty writing, and a story of "friendship" which somehow makes Boku No Pico look like Metal Gear Solid in comparison. Despite this, it is one of /a/'s guilty pleasures due to being a massive lolcow which has provided them with lulz for 15 years. The story is about a blonde-haired, afro hairstyled, blue-eyed, half-emo, foreigner half-demon ninja teen struggling to be accepted into society by being a whiny faggot who annoys everyone around him, including the viewers. His goal is to become Ninja Obama and change the world. To accomplish this he becomes a ninja who dresses in bright colors, doesn't into stealth, announces his presence to his enemies, literally only uses 2 Jutsus for the entirety of the series, forgives mass murderers, and rather than killing enemies would rather give gay speeches about bonds and friendship and other shit. In fact, He is such a failure of a ninja that the plot replaced him with Sasuke "Edge-Lord" Uchiha as the main character halfway through the story due to Kishimoto's boner for his favorite character. One of the many themes in Naruto that are ultimately ignored is that hard work surpasses talent which is shown in how Naruto and Sasuke become the most overpowered characters by having perfect bloodlines and literally being handed power-ups while characters like Rock Lee are ultimately forgotten by the plot. Great writing there, Kishimoto! Another lesson Naruto teaches is that if you stalk someone long enough, they will change their mind about you and will run back into your arms. Considering that the entire lolcow of a fanbase is full of basement dwelling beta-male autists whose last encounter with a real vagina was during their birth and obese 16-year-old fangirls who devote their entire lives to their OTPs, It's easy to see why Naruto has managed to last as long as it did by appealing to autistic weeaboos. All 700 fucking chapters of this shit.
Legend has it that there may actually be female characters in this series. However, a closer investigation has proven that most female characters either tend to be useless or dead. One example is Tenten, a character so useless that the anime was thankful enough to show her fighting, just so they can create filler space (Which they already do with Hinata). It should also be noted that this anime has no actual Japanese martial arts or anything even related to actual ninjas. The final irony is despite being THE anime of choice for edgy 13-year-olds, no matter how many fansubs insert the words "Fuck" or "Cunt," Naruto is still A FUCKING KID'S SHOW.
According to press reports, Naruto is "a cartoon about Arab on television."[1]
Contents
The Characters[edit]
There are too many characters in Naruto to list because its creator has fucking ADHD and a lack of proper story-planning, so just know that pretty much everyone either has a Dark Past ©, is an orphan, and has a power level of over 9,000, or has a somewhat normal life, and therefore no screen time. The creator seems to have made a conscious decision to include every fucking animu archetype known to man in order to become the most stereotypical shounen in existence. Notable characters are listed before:
| We Ah Fighting Dreamas! | |
|---|---|
| Naruto Uzumaki | The main protagonist who is so lame that the plot forgot about him at some point in the manga until Kishimoto stopped masturbating to his fanart of Sasuke long enough to realize that the name of the fucking manga was "Naruto" and that he only had 20 chapters left before it ended. Thus, in the biggest asspull of the series (which is saying a lot) Naruto became Ninja Jesus: able to walk on water, control all the elements, befriend and gain the power of all the furries, control and summon the nine-tailed fox (after learning it's name), throw Rasengans the size of planets, and regrow back lost body parts just by touching someone. Despite these Gary-Stu qualities, he redeemed himself in the end by not being a massive faggot and realizing that Hinata actually had more interesting qualities than Sakura had to offer. We all know he finally put those shadow clones to good use. |
| Sakura Haruno | Absolutely useless, flat as a board, the personality of an angry beehive, and chasing after a man that stated multiple times that he didn't give a shit about her. These are the perfect qualities that make Sakura the main heroine. Kishimoto himself admits that he dun goofed creating her when he stated that Hinata, who has the personality of a wet sponge, would have been a better heroine. In the future, she ends up being cucked by Sasuke and stuck taking care of his kid who suspiciously looks like that one cumdumpster he traveled with for a while... |
| Sasuke Uchiha | The biggest emo you will ever see in a show. Despite the show being called NARUTO, it's really about Sasuke because of all the fangirls cream over him and his brother Itachi...causing a lot of incest fanfics. At about episode whothefuckcares, Sasuke complains about his brother Itachi killing his clan and goes from emo to goth and joins local pedo-bear Orochimaru who's actually a snake! Sasuke is Naruto's 3rd fuck buddy, resulting in about 90% of all fanfictions. These relationships are the main focus of the entire show, causing nothing to ever happen. After finally realizing that all he ever wanted was a family, he has a kid with Karin, ditches her at Sakura's, leaves for the cigarette store, and never comes back. He now spends his days avoiding |
| Kakashi Hatake | Naruto's teacher, and an unoriginal faggot who got over 1000 Jutsus by stealing other's techniques with an eye that wasn't even his.He never shows his face, is a 30-year-old virgin, and can control dimensional space. All of his friends are dead and he spends his free time reading porn in public and jacking off at the gravesite of his old friend Obito, who was actually still alive and the mastermind behind the Akatsuki's true goal, which was to bring about Infinite Tsukuyomi by using the power of the tailed beasts, his Sharingan, and the moon (Whoops, shoulda put a spoiler there). Also, he becomes Hokage for a while and imported skyscrapers and online pornography to the village. |
| Obito Uchiha | A second contender for being the biggest emo in the manga, he is the main villain whose entire motivation for world domination came from the fact that he was cock-blocked by his teammate Rin and saw Kakashi kill her for great justice. This 15-year long hate boner was instantly wiped out in 5 pages when Naruto used Talk-no-Jutsu and convinced him that because he once had a dream to become Hokage then that must mean that he was a pretty cool guy. You know, other than the mass murders he was responsible for when he released the Kyuubi, killing Naruto's friends, and trying to kill Naruto when he was an infant. Despite one of the series earliest central themes being THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP over following the rules, Kishimoto decided to shit all over this by making Tobi's true identity Obito, because if Kakashi had just followed the fucking rules and gone onward to blow up the bridge instead of listening to Obito and wasting time rescuing that useless cumdump that got herself captured, Obito would've been killed by Iwa-nin, Old Man Madara would've had a heart attack, shat himself and died, and Ninja 9/11, Ninja Holocaust and the 4th great Ninja War never would've happened. Great writing there, Kishimoto! |
| Madara Uchiha | The true mastermind of the series.Is there an anime character stronger than Madara Uchiha? And I'm referring to Rinne Tensei Madara Uchiha with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan and Rinnegan Dojutsus (with the Rikudou Paths ability) equipped with his Gunbai and control of the Juubi and Gedou Mazou, a complete Susanoo, with Hashirama Senju's DNA implanted in his chest so he can perform Mokuton Kekkei Genkai and Yin-Yang Release Ninjutsu as well as being extremely skilled in Taijutsu and Bukijutsu. Oh and he got backstabbed by some nigger shape-shifting faggot who turned him into his mother. Great writing there, Kishimoto! |
| Itachi Uchiha | A walking genocide and a shitty brother. His abilities include mindraping people by looking at them, creating inextinguishable black fire, a sword that can insta-kill anything it touches, a shield that can block anything that hits it, and summon a giant roid-raging asshole made of energy and place people in a constantly looping dimension for an undefined period of time. He has arguably more asspulls than Naruto, which is saying something.Unlike his emo brother, Saucegay, Itachi is a goth who kills his whole clan. After he dies, it's revealed that he was actually a good guy,or some shit, because committing genocide against his own flesh and blood to protect a cult-like, hyper-nationalist mercenary camp that employs child soldiers and executes deserters is what being a good guy is all about! Great writing there, Kishimoto! |
| Hinata Hyuuga | Best girl of the series and one of the few reasons that /a/ even bothers reading this piece of shit despite barely appearing in the manga. This might be because she lacks a personality, constantly spills her spaghetti, is submissive, pure, and had puberty be very kind to her. These qualities make her appealing to the many virgins who read the series.who wish she existed in real life. Another reason is that 90% of her dialogue is "Naruto-kun", which is superior to all the other pseudo-intellectual bullshit spewed out by all the other characters. She also caused massive butthurt in the fandom when it turned out in the end that she somehow got Naruto to plow her virgin rice fields without involving date-rape, causing the shipping community to implode on itself. Bestgirl now spends her days happily being Naruto's cum dump and getting double-stuffed with shadow clones while drinking the fresh tears shed daily by NaruSaku fags. Great writing there, Kishimoto! No, really. |
| Maito Gai | If Hinata is Bestgirl, then Gai is Best...guy. In addition to having the most awesome name in the series, he is the creator of Dynamic Entry and the teacher you wish you had to get your fat ass to a gym. Guy believes in the SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH and that by spending time training with his students some of their youth will rub off on him. Can't use Jutsu very well? Fuck that, Gai just trained his body to punch and kick harder than anybody else. Madara touting his overpowered Rinne-Tensei bullshit? Fuck that shit, Gai just released his 8 gates, punched motherfucking air at him and literally shoved his foot so far up Madara's ass that it broke Gai's foot permanently, leaving him stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. But do you seriously think THAT will stop him from performing Dynamic Entry? Hell fucking no, he will just speed the wheelchair up to 300 km/h and kick with the other foot. Gai has also transcended to the status of wizard alongside Kakashi. |
| Rock Lee | Possibly Maito Guy's illegitimate son and thus also a contender for being one of the few good characters in the series. He looks up to and spends quality time with his teacher. Despite waiting countless years for Sakura to drink from his fountain of youth, he ends up losing the Sakurabowl and somehow has a kid despite having no wife, leaving some to theorize that Lees reproduce asexually which explains why there are always one in every generation. |
| Neji Hyuuga | He died for Keikaku. |
| TenTen | Who? |
| Shino Aburame | A literal walking beehive. Becomes a teacher in the end so that someone will be forced to notice him as well as becoming the third member of Daft Punk. |
| Kiba Inuzuka | If Shaggy and Scooby-Doo existed in an anime about ninjas as a man-dog ninja duo, they would be more competent than the failure known as Kiba, the Yamcha of the Naruto universe. Nigga married a catgirl that barely appeared in one episode of the anime, like wtf? Also, Akamaru has one foot in the grave at this point due to being a fucking 20-year-old dog. Considering that Kiba's Jutsu relies on his dog, and large dogs don't live for very long, one has to wonder if the Inuzuka clan even thought the whole ninja dog thing through. |
| Shikamaru Nara | A lazy yet intelligent teenager who has a lot of potential due to his intellect but would rather procrastinate and complain about how everything is a giant pain in the ass. He would later marry an overbearing woman while holding down a steady job. |
| Chouji Akimichi | Knowing his audience very well, Kishimoto made a character whose main Jutsu is being fat so they could cosplay as someone within their size range (This obviously failed). He can expand ANY part of his body. In one of the strangest asspulls ever seen by the fandom, Chouji married a sheboon he never even met and fathered a little Sheneequa. |
| Ino Yamanaka | Despite being a carbon copy clone of Sakura, Ino still manages to be a better character since she actually got over her crush on Saucegay and went for the next faggiest guy in the village (see: Sai). She can literally mindrape someone with her Jutsu. |
| Gaara | A schizophrenic muslim who later became ninja Osama.Used to be one of the most violent and psychopathic dudes in the show who literally buried his enemies in the sand and then crushed every bone in their body. Despite this, every fucking one agreed that he'd make the perfect candidate for ruling over the sand village. Kishimoto eventually gave in to the fangirls and turned him into a fashionable nazi. |
| Sai | A professional troll who uses ninja magic to allow his rule 34 to come to life. He is the only character that is more obsessed with dicks than |
| Jiraya | A shameless pervert who spent 50 tireless years trying to get into Tsunade's |
| Tsunade | A walking pair of G-cup tits attached to a pair of legs, alcoholism, and ludomania. Somehow, Jiraiya thought she would make a good Hokage. Considering that the village didn't end up becoming a smoldering crater with her as ninja Hillary, she must have done something right. Oh wait... Her granddaddy is actually Hashirama despite the fact she does not have the ability to give people wood. Makes sense since every woman in the ninja world is either a useless punching bag or a healer that could barely do jackshit. |
| Orochimaru | Resident pedophile of the series who literally comes inside the bodies of the men he enters. His final form is a giant penis due to him literally playing with himself too much. Despite betraying the village, kidnapping and experimenting on children in secret and causing the second ninja 9/11, which killed almost half the village, including the Third Hokage, he outlives his former teammates and gets off scot-free in the end, he now spends his days continually molesting children while Naruto and Shikamaru sweep it under the rug. Great writing there, Kishimoto! |
| Kabuto | Borderline pedophile and one of Orochimaru's main fuckbuddies.Develops a god complex after he gets fully stuffed by Orochimaru. Fights Itachi and Sasuke and ends up getting mindfucked by Itachi after being placed inside a neverending loop until he finally realized how much of a faggot he was and escaped the loop. Joins the good guys afterward even though he helped Obito kill hundreds of people through those he resurrected and oh idk, brought back Madara Uchiha from the fucking dead. Gets off scot-free at the end like his big daddy Orochimaru, despite the fact that he was responsible for 90% of the 4th Shinobi World War. Great writing there, Kishimoto! |
| Killer B | Convinced by his (((editors))) that he needed some tolerant ethnic diversity in order to appeal better to his western audience, Kishimoto made the 8th furry in the series into a loud, obnoxious, hulking nigger who communicates through terrible rap lyrics, refers to himself only by his street name, and seduces |
| Karin | Another Sakura clone and Naruto's long lost cousin that no one cares about. |
| Nagato | The original Pain and Akatsuki leader. Killed everyone in Konoha only to kill himself to bring them back after Naruto used his trusty Talk-no-Jutsu to convince him to change his evil ways just like almost every other villain in the series. Known for having eyes more overpowered than the Uchiha clan, which allow him to use the six path orgy techniques that can suck people's soul, summon furries, turn him into a machine without being mechanical, summon the fucking devil to torture people and force push and pull like a fucking jedi. All of that in exchange for looking hungrier than African niggers. Also Naruto's cousin on his mom's side. |
| Konan | Nagato's bitch. Like most female characters in this shitshow, she does nothing of value. Can kill people with paper airplanes. Killed by the coolest guy in one of the biggest asspulls in the series. |
| Yahiko | The original founder of the Akatsuki, until he became an hero. Now Nagato plays Weekend at Bernie's with him. Apparently, a Naruto clone because Kishi is so untalented that he had to give every leader of a ninja team in the world the exact same face, same attitude, and same hairstyle. |
| Black Zetsu | The even bigger, real mastermind behind everything! Not even Madara himself realized it because he thought he was a figment of his imagination that he created while masturbating to his dead friend Hashirama's corpse. He is basically the Naruto version of the Team Fortress 2 Spy, and as a such, he is responsible for every war, every tragedy, every awful fanfic, every shipping war, even the two ninja 9/11's, all of which he did just to revive his mother. What a faggot. Being the mama's boy that he is, he spends the rest of his time jacking off in his mother's sleeve only to GTFO to his basement after his mommy loses a tag war against Flamer Ninja Jesus Naruto and Super Dark Chester Bennington Edgelord Saucegay. |
| Kaguya | Basically the whole reason why ninjas can use magic and shit. Apparently, at least 100 years ago she ate the forbidden fruit which is a rip off from the story of |
| Hashirama Senju | |
| Tobirama Senju | If /pol/ was incarnated as a ninja, they would be Tobirama. This guy gets a notable mention for wanting to exterminate all Uchiha which is justified since none of the Uchihas in this show have done anything good other than kill their whole clan, destroy their village, or attempt to trap everyone in some kind of wood bondage virtual simulator. Considering that just like the Jews, the Uchihas were behind every disaster in the manga, it would turn out that Tobirama was right all along. Sadly his faggot special snowflake brother Hashirama had a boner for Madara so he let the Uchihas live and fucked up the future for everyone. He is also known for inventing a metric fuckton of Jutsus like the Shadow Clone Jutsu that Naruto uses all the time (making Naruto an untalented fag for using other people's creations) and would whine about how people should stop using his Jutsu because he created it and was superior at using it. For no fucking reason that is ever explained in the series (and probably just because he can), he also invented a Jutsu called Edo Tensei which summons the dead back to life like fucking zombies, ironically making Tobirama responsible for helping Obito and Madara raise armies of zombie ninja archmages and otherkin in the 4th Ninja war. Oh, he was the 2nd Hokage or some shit, but no one cares for 2nd place. |
| Namikaze Minato | Naruto's dad/Kakashi's teacher/4th president of Konoha. Had the ability to teleport using his knives. He was killed by the nine-tailed furry during Ninja 9/11 while sealing him inside his son. Other than that, he's done jackshit as the 4th ninja president. |
| Uzumaki Kushina | Naruto's sexy mom, to which even Naruto himself admitted she was hot stuff. Had a furry living inside her which ended up killing her during Ninja 9/11 after it was pulled out by Tobi after giving birth to Naruto. No one can resist drawing rule 34 of her. |
| Hiashi Hyuuga | Master Eugenicist and propagator of the keikaku. With his plan completed, he spends his retirement dancing on the Uchiha's graves. He truly is the true mastermind in the series. |
The Plot[edit]
Part 1: BELIEB IT!!![edit]
13 years before the absolute failure of a plot begins, a nine-tailed fox appeared and caused Ninja 9/11. The 4th Hokage, who was later revealed to be Naruto's father (whoops, should have put a spoiler on that too), sealed the fox into his son, killed himself in the process , and turned Naruto into an otherkin that had a demon fox inside him. Naruto, like all furries, was hated by his village due to being an unholy abomination. Like that one annoying kid you knew who didn't get the hint and an hero, Naruto decided that by trolling the village he could get people to pay attention to him and accept him.. Eventually, he passed his Ninja exams through nepotism by his teacher who taught him the value of friendship™ and becomes a ninja. It is from there that the plot goes downhill.
Some shit happens where Naruto makes a badass ninja with a giant sword cry like a little bitch over his sexy trap an heroing and then Orochimaru causes the 2nd Ninja 9/11 during the Chuunin Exams and kills the Third Hokage. Afterward, since Jiraiya is too busy date-raping women to take the position of Fifth Hokage himself, he decides to take Naruto on a journey to find the more suitable candidate, a busty blonde alcoholic bimbo with ludomania and a severe case of hemophobia, and Sasuke goes full emo when his brother (who caused the Uchiha equivalent of the Holocaust) comes back to the village to assrape the village's best Jounin and try to kidnap Naruto, because when Sasuke tries to kill him, Itachi not only beats the shit out of him but also mind rapes him for 72 hours straight and tells him to murder his best friend, such a loving older brother!, Orochimaru then offers Sasuke free candy and he decides to leave the village but not before he tells Sakura to get back in the fucking kitchen and knocks her the fuck out. Naruto, Shikamaru, and a few other popular characters team up to bring him back but end up failing. Not getting the fucking hint, and in an attempt to finally get into Sakura's cherry blossom, he promises to bring Sasuke back to the village. He then leaves with Jiraiya to have buttsex for three years.
Filler Hell[edit]
With Kishimoto taking a break for a year to do hookers and blow, the anime staff faced a dilemma where they could either put the anime on hiatus and risk losing jew golds or completely water it down (More like drowning a shit puddle with vomit) by introducing excruciatingly tedious filler arcs. They chose the latter. FOR THREE WHOLE FUCKING SEASONS. Most of the fillers are shit and make Naruto look more like a kids show than it already is. The only exceptions to this were the episode with AFRO GAI, the one with Shino losing his shit, and the one where Naruto catches Hinata dancing naked by a waterfall. It has been theorized that the filler arcs alone were one of the biggest reasons why Toonami was canceled.
Part 2: YU AH MAI FRIEN![edit]
After the first 220 episodes, there are another 500 punches in the face called Naruto Shitpoodamn. With the bar already set so low, you would wonder that there is no way Kishimoto would make it any worse. Right?
Since Sasuke left the country to go kill his brother with the creepy pedophile, Naruto thinks he's just CONFUSED! So to get him back, Naruto goes and trains for three years. Even after three years of not coming back, Naruto still thinks Sasuke is JUST CONFUSED and goes to try to find him. This is when the show picks up.
Then they bring out the badass ninja group that is called Akutsuki. They go around taking in all the furries and otherkins and KILL THOSE FUCKERS so there's constant war or some shit. It's never addressed. But even with the Akatsuki ninjas RIPPING OUT HEARTS and using them as their own, blowing up shit, not dying, maiming, and revealing plot twists they are all pretty much killed by Naruto and Sasuke. Including Itachi.
In a huge bought of massive lulz, Sasuke kills Itachi only to find out that Itachi was a good guy! This nearly makes Sasuke kill himself, but the show CAN'T DO WITHOUT THE MAIN CHARACTER!!!1! So he just goes out and kills everyone else instead by joining forces with Tobi. GG, Sasuke.
Akatsuki's leader Pain (or Pein if you're a wapanese faggot) makes up for this failure easily by killing everyone you've ever loved, making him Hitler incarnate, but then the butthurt fanboys made him get TNJ'D by Naruto's faggotry and become a good guy, not give Naruto any useful intel on Tobi even though he became a turncoat and revive everyone in the village that he killed at the cost of his own life. Tobi then decides it's his turn to make up for the faggotry of Naruto and Sasuke so Tobi tells everyone he's THE FIRST Uchiha, made the FIRST capital of the world, that he trained Itachi to commit some much needed genocide and Naruto's government ordered the genocide, AND made Akatsuki purely for the lulz. After all this master trolling, Tobi decides that the Akatsuki totally sucked anyway and takes all the captured furries to make one uber-Pokemon, that will somehow blow up the moon causing a typhoon that will destroy the world or some stupid shit like that. Danzo, the George Bush of the story, becomes president and immediately declares Sasuke a rogue ninja in hopes of getting a high chance to kill him off, only to resort to becoming an hero after getting his ass kicked by Sasuke. Though, knowing the series, nothing will come out of this besides moar angst which leads to a big ninja war. One can only wonder what the fuck Kishimoto's been smoking while writing this crap. Eventually Sasuke says that he is a good guy now, and him and Naruto end up becoming the chosen ones or some shit like that and fight NINJA GOD, then Sasuke actually said that it was a trap and that he wanted to start a revolution by becoming king of the pirates Super Hokage. Then he and Naruto beat the shit out of each other, blow their arms off, then blow each other, and then Kishimoto trolls the shipping fandom.
Episode 167[edit]
While hyping a big, highly coordinated fight sequence between Furry-mode Naruto and Pain for episode 167 of Naruto Shippuden in order to get massive ratings, the Jews at Studio Pierrot suddenly realized that they ran out of living Korean child slaves to animate it and that they only had a budget of 5 yen to spend. Thus they were forced to hire the same drunks who animated the Zelda CDi cutscenes. What was initially supposed to be the part 2 equivalent of the fluid fast-paced fight between Naruto and Sasuke in part 1 ended up looking like episode 4 of Gurren Lagann.
Naruto: The Last[edit]
Wanting to milk the freshly decaying dead horse of a franchise for one last time, Kishimoto decided to team up with the animators to make one last movie to make up for the rushed ending of the manga. Millions of narutards simultaneously creamed their diapers when it was revealed that unlike the other Naruto movies which were plagued with bad writing, deceptive marketing hype, and pretty animation; this movie would instead be plagued with bad writing, deceptive marketing hype, and pretty animation and THAT THIS SHIT BE CANON YO!!!!1!!11!. NaruSaku fags, who spent over 15 years obsessing over whether two fictional characters in a shounen manga would eventually have fictional sex and would analyze every single detail in each chapter three times over to support their delusion, were steadfast in claiming victory over the Narutobowl because "GUISE ITS OBVIOUS OUR OTP WILL HAPPEN, JUST LOOK AT ALL THE 600 CHAPTERS OF DEVELOPMENT! HINATA IS DUMB LOL!!!". Over time, sketches of the future designs of each character were released which were all actually kind of cool except for Sasuke who became a poncho-wearing mexican/rapper for some reason. Then the fandom rejoiced when it turned out that Kakashi would become Hokage and that Kishimoto actually did something right for once. Then the synopsis of the plot was revealed, which was about the moon crashing into the earth and totally didn't rip off Majora's Mask. Also, there is some shit where a guy kidnaps Hinata's sister and that the movie will center on Naruto and Hinata. NaruSaku fags cautiously reassured themselves that it was probably about how Hinata will get over Naruto so that there will be nothing that will stop their OTP from becoming canon. Then the promotional track for the movie was released, which was a love song with a cover depicting Naruto and Hinata strolling through a field, while the movie tagline was announced to be "The last story, the first love". While the rest of the fandom went hype, NaruSaku fags went into full denial and locked themselves in their hugboxes while repeatedly chanting "Muh 600 chapters, Muh development, Muh parallels" to themselves. Then on the 5th of November the character art for the movie and the raws for the final chapter were simultaneously leaked and all the narutards and /a/ collectively lost their shit.
To say that the Narusaku ship was butthurt would be an understatement. Even the phrase "anal rape" wouldn't even scratch the tip of how anally annihilated they were when it dawned on them that all their hard work fabricating a relationship between fictional characters for most of their lives was sunk faster than their ship was. Rather than admitting that they pissed away the better years of their life and killing themselves for the betterment of humanity, being BTFO'D so hard actually made them go full retard. They began causing delicious drama in the narutard community by declaring that Kishimoto was a hack writer and how he could dare have creative control over how his shitty manga ended. They even accused the jews of forcing him to change the pairings at the last second. Actually, it turns out that Kishimoto planned the ending from the very beginning (Hinata was literally created for Naruto) but admitted that he failed at writing romance (among other things). However this information would not deter them from trying to change reality and they began to delude themselves by binge-reading their fanfiction and cradling their fanart against their greasy, pudgy stomachs while yelling "LALALALALALA I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS CHAPTER 699 AND 700 NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED NARUTO AND SAKURA ARE A COUPLE IN MY HEADCANON FUCK YOU KISHIMOTO YOU PIECE OF SHIT I HOPE YOU DIE HOW DARE YOU THROW AWAY NARUTOS LOVE FOR SAKURA IM GONNA GO TO JAPAN AND KILL YOU GAS THE NIPS RACE WAR NOW!!!11!1!!!" Despite being told to STFU by the rest of their autistic brethren so they could celebrate their springtime of youth, the Narusaku fags began their plot to create their own Infinite Tsukiyomi by going full on holocaust-denial-mode. They threw their collection of Naruto tankobons out the window, started furiously writing hatefics bashing on Best Girl, wrote 12 page essays detailing how Naruto and Sakura's relationship was much better than Naruto and Hinata's and thus was more valid than the freaking canonical ending of the manga and movie, created their very own OC children for Naruto and Sakura, planned to create their own version of the last 2 chapters of the manga featuring said children,and even began a petition to ban Naruto from the USA so they could make that ending canon in the west. Their internet-wide shitstorm spread faster than ebola until it reached Tumblr and Twitter which prompted a response from one of the actual assistants who worked for Kishimoto who promptly told them to STFU and not obsess over a piece of fiction. At that point, the NaruSaku forums became a bigger lolcow than the entire fandom itself. Many lulz were had on /a/ as they laughed and screencapped lulz-worthy posts filled with butthurt from the main NaruSaku forum until the users there realized that they were the laughing stock of the entire internet and promptly closed the forums down to non-members.
However, they forgot that the Internet never forgets. Below are some of the posts chronicling the anal devastation of a generation.
The
Amount
Of
Salty
Tears
Is
Absolutely
Fucking
Glorious
Tumblr weighs in
Yet another NS-shipper refusing to give it up.
CRAWWWWWLLIIIIIING IIIIIIIINNNN MYYYYYY SKIIIIIIIIIN!
- It was a Genjutsu all along.png
The Last: Naruto The Movie earned 1.47 billion yen by 3 PM opening day and is the highest grossing Naruto film to date.
Reaction to Naruto and Hinata's first date. Yes, they are this crazy.
| —James Cassidy - Butthurt Narusaku fag | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
More salty tears can be found here and here and here.
Part 3: Kishimoto's Wild Ride Never Ends[edit]
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BREAKING NEWS!! |
Now freed from the 15-year purgatory that was writing Naruto, you would think Kishimoto would now be able to work on the badass yakuza manga that he always wanted to do. Right? HAHAHAHA NOPE! He is riding this gravy train until the very last drop! A spin-off will be made focusing on the slice of life adventures of the ugly kids that were shat out by our beloved characters in the epilogue. The plot will most likely deal with how they all failed at raising their kids. Get ready to read about a brand new story with exciting new characters like an attention-seeking brat who defaces the Hokage mountain because daddy was never there, his stalker who secretly likes him (and will become best girl in the series), and his group of friends which consist of a lazy whiner, a fatass, a stick-up buzzkill, and a Bruce Lee-lookalike whose conception is a mystery. It's like Kishimoto didn't even try. Old habits die hard I guess.
| The Demon Spawn | |
|---|---|
| Boruto Uzumaki | The spoiled little shit that was the result of a broken condom between Naruto and Hinata. Looks like Hiashi's Keikaku failed because he and his sister somehow lack a fucking Byakugan. This could be because |
| Himawari Uzumaki | Boruto's sister and broken condom #2. Her name means sunflower. She is fap material for (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jared Fogle))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))). |
| Sarada Uchiha | The result of a regretful one-night stand between Sasuke and Karin, which explains why Sasuke never comes home. Or so we are led to believe. Her name literally means fucking Salad. Apparently, her full name is supposed to mean lamp oil or some shit to signify that she is the first flame of the restoration of the Uchiha clan. Considering that she is an only child and that Sasuke has yet to return, we can speculate that he didn't plan the "restoring my clan" thing very well. To appease the butthurt shippers, Kishimoto combined all the qualities of Sakura, Hinata, and Karin to create Sarada. Thus she is a tsundere glasses-wearing stalker with daddy issues. With the invention of the internet in the Naruto universe, "that is someone's daughter" will be the most common phrase spoken to her in a few years. Keikaku fails yet again since Sakura's genes, just like everything about her, are so shit that a fucking Sharingan user has to wear corrective lenses. |
| Mitsuki | Weird snake kid that was actually another one of Orochimaru's fun lab experiments that he made in his hidden meth lab. Can grow his arms out and probably other parts of his body. |
| Shikadai Nara | The son of Shikamaru and Temari. He looks like Shikamaru. He acts like Shikamaru. He talks like Shikamaru. He watches his father be reduced to a beta-male by his overbearing mother like Shikamaru. Kishimoto is so original. |
| ChoCho Akimichi | She is a fat black woman who believes that being fat is normal. Believes that every man wants to give her pipe since she's an obese glutinous cunt. Despite being the child of trailer trash and a nigger, she somehow came out darker than her mother. Looks like cock expansion no Jutsu couldn't compare to Killer B's bijuu. |
| Inojin Yamanaka | DEAR GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING KILL IT WITH FIRE!!! |
| Metal Lee | The son of Lee and...we don't fucking know. He is either the result of an accident in Orochimaru's lab or freak mitosis. |
| Iwabe Yuino | Juicehead who was literally too retarded to pass the academy twice in a row, so now he's stuck with the aspies in Boruto's class. Gets his ass kicked by Boruto when Boruto comes back from a 2 week suspension. |
The Fans[edit]
Despite the show being the obvious Fail Sandwich that it is, this show has one of the largest amounts of fans out of any animu, and that's saying something. Even to the Jew animu watchers the Naruto fans are retarded, placing them slightly above furries. So they were given the label Narutard!
All Narutards are Mexicans, basement-dwellers and weeaboos, THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THIS! Even if they are beautiful, it's just a ploy to convert you to Naruto and they're probably just wearing the skin of someone far more superior than themselves. The Narutards are also exceptional at ruining anything they touch since most of them are furfags anyways. Adhering to the natural and never failing rules of furrism, every single FUCKING person has some sort of strange and abstract fetish that they love to shove into every orifice of the internet. They usually do this by drawing some sort of uninteresting bishie-desu style shit. If the Narutard realizes "it" draws like a deformed pile of flesh with Asperger's, or never could draw, "it" then attempts to write fanfiction. EVEN IF THAT FAILS, it then moves onto making videos to their favorite Disturbed or Linkin Park song using Windows Movie Editor. Though this only truly scratches the surface of such stupidity. Like calling Shonen Jump to complain about the ending of Naruto
The super secret, Baka Red Endorsed, ED Ending[edit]
Tired of watching Naruto turn all of the Ninjas into fangirl free-for-alls of gay sex and stupidity that makes Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey look like high literature or something capable of being written by a man - Tecmo sent Ryu Hayabusa from The ED's staff favorite game Ninja Gaiden to the Leaf Village.
Being the ultimate Ninja and capable of killing 3 gods, a demon army, a German Tank Battalion and pick up his dry cleaning in less time than it takes Sasuke and Naruto to fight over who's going to be the bottom bitch, Ryu Hayabusa stood outside the Leaf Village reading Dylan Thomas' "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" which caused the whole village to spontaneously combust and turn to ash which was followed by him sweeping the ashes into one big pile and letting his pet dragon use it as a litter box.
Yes, Ryu Hayabusa is that awesome. He can kill you by simply reciting a poem.
Fanfiction[edit]
This was already ruined at the start, but Narutards had to shit in the pool of piss by clogging FanFiction.Net with 421,000 stories of ninjas not being ninjas (as if the manga isn't guilty of the same). To noone's surprise, all 421,000 of them are insipid pieces of dread similar to Twilight. Top Scientists also have discovered that there are 387,506 different Naruto pairings, and all of them are shit. Here are some of them:
- Naruto x Sasuke: The most common of the fanfictions due to the show's subliminal messaging of faggotry. For every sick fetish you can imagine, an artist drew it.
- Naruto x Sakura:
GUYS HAVING A FEMALE FRIEND AUTOMATICALLY MAKES THEM FUCKBUDDIES. RIGHT?.BTFO! - Naruto x Hinata (CANON): ANOTHER Naruto pair up but replace the whiny bitch with a meek stalker that would fuck your brains out just like in all that hentai you watch.
- Sasuke x Sakura: What's better for an emo guy then a whining stalker? The answer would be a razor blade, but at least this has boobs.
- Sasuke x Naruto x Sakura: Was choosing one of the earlier three too hard for your tiny brain? Then don't worry, just make Naruto bi, Sasuke gay (as he is), and Sakura straight.
- Akatsuki pairings: What happens when you take some truly badass ninjas and turn them gay?
- Hinata x everyone: Even with the show's ridiculous shitload of characters, every single one of them has been paired with Hinata at some point in time. This is because Hinata having breasts automatically means she's Asking for it, and that paired with the fact that she even exists makes her a cocktease. These pairings usually start out as non-con, but eventually turn into fetish sex because again, she is Asking for it.
- Naruto x Karin: JUST FUCKING BECAUSE. Made much nastier after learning that Karin is related to Naruto.
Theory[edit]
A leading theory suggests that at least every Linkin Park song that has ever existed will have a Naruto AMV video with it. And don't forget Disturbed! Even though Disturbed is used much more extensively by the Dragon Ball Z crowd. It also theorized that the "Ultimate Naruto Fanflashes" are among the most heinous things on the internet. To imagine this an-heroing worthy stupid series of flashes, one must first imagine Family Guy mixed with the faggotry of Naruto and then castrated of all remaining manhood and humor. Once you realize that these are the only pools of talent these wigger weeaboo faggots choose from, an heroing starts to look pretty attractive.
Videos[edit]
Previous Video | Next Video
Rating[edit]
- Action: 0/10. When there are ninja battles, they're shit and could be anywhere between 50 to 150 episodes.
- Lulz: 1/10. Very little lulz. The only lulz that can be gained from the show is from trolling the fans.
- Faggotry: 100/10. Everyone is gay in this show, except for the girls. Even though the show never flat out says gay, anyone with an IQ over 50 can tell pretty damn clearly, proving that the Japanese are MASTERS of subtlety.
- Furry Fandom: 9/10. The show is about otherkins with SUpER PoW3RS!1!, but thankfully, the l33t Akutsuki kills them off or at least tries.
- Straightness: -1/10. Absolutely no focus on the girls, only the faggots.
Gallery[edit]
Chapter 482 in Sakura's head. Also a main characteristic for Sakura.
2 reasons why Hinata is Bestgirl.
2/25/09, NEVAR FORGET
What happens when you troll a weeaboo.
BECAUSE HE FUCKING CAN.
In during Internet Image Macro Copypasta
Typical Naruto Anal Scene
Sadly the most epic ninja technique is the only one not used in the show
A scene from the animu where Kakashi makes his dog-slaves rape his enemy.
Proof Naruto & Gaara are fags
Huge fucking tentacles.
GTA, now with 1000% more nationalism and faggotry.
Shotacon, necrophilia, and ninjas, together at last.
Honestly, THE REAL UCHIHA SASUKE IRL
Sasuke Fanboy doing it wrong...
Deidara adresses /b/
God disapproves of Naruto.
Not fan-art.
This is what 99999% of the fandom looks and dresses like.
Even most fanart doesn't cover as many hentai themes as the new opening.
Naruto proves child molestation is a two-way street.
Not even Angelina Jolie is safe in this manga.
Some overweight fangirl is probably masturbating to this.
Thieving bastards.
Naruto: A delicious hidden center of porn in every bite!
Jew star no jewtsu!
Deidara, riding the cock as usual.
The secret to Naruto's sexy jutsu.
Naruto and Sasuke training.
With moar emo than evar before!!!
Weeaboo narutofaggots lurve Barrack Jewssein Obama.
Does he look like a furry to you?
HOW ABOUT NOW!?
A Narutard and his unfortunate offspring. Almost as bad as being raised by furries.
A TRAP!
Mosttwothree of the villains in Naruto suffer from Giant Fucking Sword Syndrome, commonly known to be caused by Itty Bitty Boat Disease.
Fucking hypocrites.
Even Jesus is cool enough to hang out with Naruto.
No, this is not Photoshopped. This is real.
Typical gay sex in the anime.
Not even gaming is safe as fanbois would generally use one hand to mash buttons, and fap with the other.
Kishimoto did this just to give the fat Waps out there another piece of fap material.
A typical Konoha household safety device (Note, it can also be used as a fire extinguisher).
Because she was wrecked and FUCKING GONE on their wedding night!
woah woah woah woah woah, that better not be a big pile of fucking Uchiha shit over there.
Tobirama, solving ninja overpopulation problem one at a time.
Hashirama, being a retarded SJW and ruins the future.
Hiashi, carefully planning the next step of keikaku.
Spoiler: Haku is a trap
This is my fetish.
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External Links[edit]
- Warning: Web designers will cry.
- Fapfodder for Narutards
- Naruto gallery
- Naruto Quiz
- Naruto Quiz 2
- WTF it has its own Wiki!!!! Vandalize NAO!!!!!!!!!!!111
- There's a fanon wiki too! Hit it with your best shot!!!
- DAT FAMOUS COPYPASTA - now in audio form
See Also[edit]
- Ninja Gaiden A real Ninja and not a pillow biter like Naruto or Sasuke.
- 13-year-old boys
- 16-year-old girls
- Codey Porter
- Dynamic Entry
- Kraken's ghost
- Anal What Narutards avoid calling Naruto's Thousand Years Of Pain Technique.
- Kytalise
- Narutard
- Spics
- Aspies
- Virgin This show is very popular with this group of people.
- Pain He's so popular we gave him his own page.
- Pain (Physical)
- Ninja
- Retard
-
UkrDramatica's article on this
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