Communism
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Cummunism is the belief that young hooligans who never have read a book are best fit to rule a country. Its proponents are school yard outcasts, scarecrows, sadists, Sceneable, butthurt Iranians, men with curved penises, tall people who want to fuck midgets, 13-year-old boys, and people who were relatively poor in their childhood. Invented by Karl Marx last thursday, cummunism is the final form of liberalism, the arch nemesis of capitalism and some people say is the reason why America is #1 and why the rest of the world sucks. Under communism, there is no need for money, because all goods needed to support life are free, which by "free" means you never actually get what you need and the bastards at the Party bathe in your hard-earned cash. This is why Communism failed: everybody ultimately loves money. Communism was first theorized with the brick lit. convoluted multi volume Communist Manifesto, which was written by Karl Marx at least 100 years ago. It led to two paradigms we have today: Writing TL;DR-texts and the tradition of economists to tell incomprehensible lies and flavor them with arcane math.
| —Lenin on the purpose of his life in general. | ||
Lenin first turned communism into practice by establishing circle jerks known as Soviets throughout Russia (Soviet is Russian for council). He feigned his death and got replaced by a pretty cool guy known as Stalin, who turned everything into a dicktatorship. When Lenin comes back, he will start a society consisting of "real" communism as opposed to the one that has been practiced in Afghanistan, Albania, Angola, Benin, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Bulgaria, Cambodia, China, Cuba, Congo, Croatia, Czechoslovakia, Ethiopia, Germany, Hungary, Kosovo, Laos, Macedonia, Mongolia, Montenegro, Mozambique, North Korea, Poland. Romania, Russia, Serbia, Slovenia, Somalia, Yemen and Vietnam.
Contents
Theory[edit]
Theoretical communism is the natural conclusion of Christian Doctrine that suggests in an unregulated economic system of nearly-infinite goods production, everyone will play fair and nevar ask for moar evah, and God disappears because we have nothing to pray for. This differs from the fake Christianity of W and Sarah Palin where if you hate the Jew, God rewards you with gold and power. This new religion is obviously an extension of Judaism and will never become perfected into the final stage of man known as communism, rather everyone will just digress into Meth and Hookers.
Karl Marx was so furious that his rich Jew parents did not leave their colonial estate in their will to him (which was tended by mud races for him to deliciously mouthrape), he used communism to troll lower-class factory workers into spamming the ruling class for moar money. Commies got IRL banhammered all over Europe when Germany helped arm the Great October Socialist Revolution in World War I to remove the Imperial Russian military threat from their Eastern Front so they could relocate those soldiers to curbstomp France. After killing anarchist heathens and pwning Adolf Hitler, the commies felt so validated that they haven't shut the fuck up since.
Communism is the most amazing religion ever because it is based upon the ideology that everyone is equal. However, it has been mathematically proven that White People > women > Asians > Jews > niggers African comrades > fags > Scientologists > Juggalos > furries > homosexual Scientologist furry juggalo niggers > Scottish People > The welsh > The irish. The vast majority of adherents to communism are not only gay losers, but also paedos. All paedos love Children. Russians love vodka. Therefore, Russians are Children.
The Crucible[edit]
The Crucible was a story about dumb Christians killing people they believed to be possessed by the Devil- based on Communism.
The original Crucible was performed by faggots.
If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?[edit]
A shitty propaganda movie made by Estus "Derp" Pirkle about what Communist America would be like. At least he did SOME research to know that communists hate religion. For lulz he added a scene with a child getting his head chopped off because he wouldn't step on a picture of Jesus.
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The Communist Smurfs[edit]
Undeniable truth that The Smurfs was a pro-communist brainwashing attempt by American media during the Cold War.
How To Tell Who is a Communist[edit]
Communists are actually quite easy to identify. They will almost certainly wear a scarf with Palestinian symbols on it, so any person seen sporting any other colors is definitely not a communist. Typical communists come in three flavors:
- The first kind are the middle class college/uni students majoring in Political Science, Liberal Arts, Modern Studies or some such shit, made obvious by their world weary expressions, pretension, arrogance and distaste for anything they deem "unintellectual". They'll be members of the Socialist worker student society (SWSS) if they are Britfags.
- Secondarily, they will be dressed with Palestinian symbols (are we sensing a pattern?), old, dishevelled and will almost always be smokers (likely roll ups), they will cough a lot and talk about building the party. They will get very angry when discussing their houses which are falling apart as they have no money and live at rallies for job growth.
- Finally, the "teenage" communists. They can be seen on Facebook, Myspace (<- no one does that shit anymore), Instagram, Google+, Deviantart and twittard joining groups with less than 500 members or pointing to communist flags. They usually don't know what the fuck they're talking about and are in the process of looking for another way to piss off their fascist, consumerist parents. Lulz. Everyone knows that real Communists have facial hair, even females. Thus you have to first hit puberty to be a Communist.
- Usually hate Jews or everything related to Israel, also keep comparing Israelis to nazis while ignoring that gays are executed in Arab or Islamic countries. They are sometimes of jewish descent, but hate being reminded of that and call themselves "citizens of the world".
If Red Alert 3 has taught us one thing it is that Tim Curry is also a Communist, possibly the only true Communist left in the world, even if he has the worst Russian accent ever.
Famous Last Words[edit]
Practical communism is defined as the economic system, faithfully represented by Josif Stalin, in which the government owns everything and the government is owned by people who make your life hell. This makes it possible for the government to ban the game Monopoly. Anyone found with said board game will be sent to the gulags for "re-education". The last words Stalin said before he died were inevitably: 'I did it for the lulz'. All the people who heard Stalin's last words were found guilty of slander, libel and high treason and sent to gulag.
History and Leadership[edit]
Few realize that the current president of communism is John Lenin, winning 18 consecutive unanimous elections. Though Marx holds the copyright on communism, many credit Lenin with its distribution and popularity. Groucho Marx was also a strong proponent of Communism in the eighties with his hatred filled diatrabe "Endless Summer Nights". In 1917, Lenin downloaded a hacked version of communism off Kazaa and copied it to some floppy disks (Blu-ray hadn't been invented yet) with some other snazzy programs like Banzai Buddy and Mac OS. When he offered the disks on eBay for 5 cents a pop, it became an instant hit, spreading across nations like China and Soviet Union which thought they were simply buying a picture of Fonzie from Happy Days straddling the crack smoker from the Dell commercials. When Marx found a copy of the disk, he summoned the RIAA and sued Lenin for copyright infringement, more commonly known as sharing. After some convincing testimony, Marx agreed to settle for $231 and an apologetic kiss on the cheek. Though many rumors have been spread hinting that Lenin might have died, they are highly unverified and have come from questionable sources.
Sexual Practice[edit]
Hepkitten, a well known supporter of groups with communist agendas, often dresses herself in erotic latex versions of communist uniforms. This is srsly A++ hot and more people should do it. Jesuitx also believes in the tenets of communism, as he was too young when the Soviet Union fell to realize how shitty it was.
The Typical Communist[edit]
The typical communist is a 13-year-old boy who has never paid a cent of tax in his life, other than with his parents' money. He doesn't trust the government but somehow wants the government to be in charge of every facet of society. Wears a Che Guevara t-shirt and a U.S.S.R. pin, both purchased from Hot Topic for 75 dollars (Let's not forget that when our little communist buys China-made imports at places like Hot Topic, he's sucking capitalism's cock). Thinks the entire human populace can effectively share all their resources to end poverty.
Most of these can be found on Wikipedia, deviantART and YouTube. When anything is criticized about communism, a typical 13 year old boy's reply will be "well lyk it ttly hasnt been done right yet!!11", usually hypocritical with previous evidence of said boy sucking Marx's, Engels', Lenin's and Stalin's cocks in screensavers or banners. They will usually hate Nazis and purelily with a passion but do not seem to mind the fact communism pwned at least 100 people. 97% of the Gaian populace is made of Commies. The other 3% consists of socialist, though, similar to Wikipedia or deviantART or any other site in the Interwebs, no body has the slightest fuck of what it is.
Non-juvenile communists - namely those making up the communist voting base and party officials - are mostly crusty, old ex-hippies who, unlike their counterparts who are now CEOs of companies, flunked out of college and are now working EXACTLY 40 hours a week (Marx help you if they should work a second of overtime) at the box factory or some other lame manufacturing sector job. This is usually to get more time off work to campaign, write gay zines, and be the token creepy old people at punk rock shows.
Benefits[edit]
- A communist government is better equipped to fight zombies.
- Bribery does not exist due to the absence of money except in the form of prostitution.
- Those who shit themselves will not feel alone, since everyone will feel like they are having a buttplug in their ass 24/7.
- Although the Final Boss of the Internet has not been determined, it has been determined that the Soviet Union was the final boss of IRL. Since the defeat of the Soviet Union, the world has jumped the shark.
- A society without cocktease
- A society without The Black Eyed Peas
- A society without Dane Cook
- A society without Comic Sans
- No music channel which shows more buttfucking teen werewolves than music
- A perfect society with no problems. Any problem will be swiftly taken care of by the NKVD/KGB. Anyone who reports problems will be sent to a farm upstate.
Gallery La Revolución Comunista[edit]
Communism food system - largely involves butter, for building up blubber for those harsh, Russian winters.
Meet Communism Bear. Sharing is caring, and also the law.
When you program open source, you're programming Communism.
Communism has never been tried.
The administrator for America's Communist Party.
In Soviet Russia, Mudkipz liek u!
Suffering under the insufferable yoke of communism.
Modern day communist. Note the lack of consumer goods but abundance of industrial products and the general practicality of dress, emphasizing form over function.
Communist Utopia
Commies are the biggest Mass Murderers of all time.
Not just for Russians anymore.
Communist slut whore for the bourgeoisie
Serious commie guy. Maybie Zangief.
Communists <3 cats.
Because he has lit the Suns of Peace.
Oh god, it's everywhere!
This is how communism usually begins.
Government of Canædia is Commmunists.
John Lenin
Leninigger
1960s TV ad showing insidious plot to turn US kids commie via crunchy breakfast treats
And their women are into collectives!
Famous Communists[edit]
- Ahuviya Harel✡/Adf-fuensalida✡
- Bad Vlad (from 1975 to 1991)
- Che Guevara
- DeoTasDevil✡
- Fidel Castro
- Hepkitten
- Karl Marx✡
- Kim Il-Sung
- Lenincat
- Lmao Zedong
- Pol Pot
- Rainbow Stalin
- Darkscythe
See Also[edit]
- Revleft
- Anonymous Borg
- Asalieri
- Cultural Marxism
- Hivemind
- Homefront
- Leftard
- Linux
- Otto Warmbier ✡
- Socialist
- Socialist Workers Party
- Social Justice
- Vocational Independence Program
- Wikipedia
- Xynta
- Zapatistas
- Palestine
- Carlos Latuff
- Sootyjared
- Party9999999
External Links[edit]
- Marxists.org
- America's Communist Party - LOL, GOATSE'D
- Informal Communist Discussion
- Communism vs. Capitalism by Russia
- Independent Media Center
- MARXMAIL
- Wikipedia
- One of Shitbook's Communist Fangroup
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Communism is part of a series on FAKE NEWS
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