Viking
This is an article about the Viking people; were you looking for Techno Viking?
Snow Niggers are people from somewhere around Norway Sweden Scandinavia Iceland Denmark Valhalla who raped the land and pillaged the women and wrote the book on getting drunk and fucking shit up. A common misconception is that it was the Irish who wrote the book on getting drunk and fucking shit up for the lulz, but the Vikings could (and did) show them a thing or two. A typical Viking outing involved getting into a rowboat so full of mead it could barely float, rowing it across the ocean while drinking said mead, raping and pillaging for a few days, and then rowing back across the ocean with the boat once again so heavy it could barely float due to massive amounts of l00t and booty. France and England benefited massively from the frequent pillaging and general pwning by the Vikings. The Normans (the result of bastard French/Viking children) later started the fad of invading England and updating their backward culture by showing them how to use forks and tie their own shoes. While they enjoyed their new talents, the Vikings enjoyed their women. Wikipedophiles occasionally claim that Vikings were no more violent than other people of the time, forgetting that other people of the time would generally wait for something resembling a provocation before raping and killing hundreds of people and setting their livestock on fire. Vikings just did it for the lulz.
The Vikings are known for their kinky hat choices and propensity for forgetting that they made it to Newfoundland before any other Europeans even got close, though there was (and still is) nothing there except caribou and Eskimos anyway. Some of them still haven't remembered getting all the way to Australia.
The Vikings were never known for their great cooking. They were known for putting herring in a jar, burying it, and then going on a bender for three months and forgetting about it. Sort of like the way squirrels bury nuts but don't remember where they've buried them because their little ADHD brains just can't focus. Also vikings are known for eating what's in these jars once they had found them again.
They were true masters of driving drunk.
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Today's Vikings[edit]
Unfortunately, during the Middle Ages the Vikings were pwned by Christians, a fairly new religion calling into serious question the Vikings' reputation for ferocity, after easily losing to a bishop in a tense game of Bryncir. Adding to this insult, Scandinavia was more recently taken over by radical socialism to the point where laws prohibit killing and rape (except in the case of invasions, which are only allowed for large countries anyway). Rent with despair, the remaining Vikings have taken to the only thing capable of comparing to destroying entire cultures for their goat herds - making heavy metal music.
Yes, much like their Native American cousins, the Viking of today exists in a cultural twilight, where the old culture is proudly clung to, but is slowly eroded by the need to purchase food from the Gas 'n Gulp because the white man shot all the buffalo and made them into fashionable negligee.
Unlike the Native Americans, though, the Vikings are creatures of hatred and malice. They are so evil that even the undead are frightened of them if they fail a saving throw against willpower (-6 due to the Viking's automatic Fearsome Scowl feat).
Because of this the Vikings, instead of erecting golden monuments to greed, have managed to take rape to new heights by creating incredibly ridiculous music that they then play in traditional garb. The Vikings pictured on this page are from the raiding party band known as "Battlelore".
Recently, Techno Vikings have been appearing. This new breed of Viking is actually better then any that comes before.
Vikings trolling IRL
Jón Páll Sigmarsson - The Last True Viking
Religion[edit]
Many pagan faggots, especially OTI, claim to follow the ancient Viking "religion" known as Asatru, despite the fact that it's just a bunch of mushroom-induced rantings about giant serpents and universal pwnage during Ragnarok. These retards may even claim that writing on something in runes makes it magickal. Plenty of runestones from viking times still exist and do absolutely jackshit, making this belief about as rational as voodoo, but "Asatruar" are too poor and stupid to notice this.
Viking Metal[edit]
Great, another subgenre of Heavy metal, just what they fucking needed. Viking metal is basically black metal but instead of Satan, you say Odin, just like how Christian bands say Him instead of her. This is really just a more politically correct way for the youngnins to rebel against the aforementioned Christianity. In summary, Vikings are the new Satan and wearing chainmail makes you look less of a tard than corpse paint. If you happen to be a faggy scenester of the harder rock variety, you’ll know you’re at a Viking metal show when you notice all the LARPers wearing armor. For lulz you can push the armored ones into the (mosh) pit and let the chaos ensue.
Popular Misconceptions[edit]
- Some people think they're making a joke when they say "you've been viking again". In fact, "viking" was originally a verb, meaning "getting drunk and fucking shit up", with connotations of epic lulz. As related by (((Mel Brooks))) and Fox News, lulz are only truly epic if it's someone else who gets fucked up; so "going viking" came to mean mainly going abroad while drinking, to fuck shit up.
Inventions[edit]
Beserker training, fucking shit up, kinky helmets, longboats, Iceland and/or Greenland, heavy metal, rape, moar rape.
Cooking[edit]
Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time - Swedish vikings and cousin of Epic Meal Time. Instead of wrapping everything in fatty bacon this bearded Swedish viking with a cap beats the living shit out of it with violence for great lulz.
See also[edit]
Sources of Vikings:
Inspired by Vikings:
External Links[edit]
- Battlelore website Potential /b/tard vikings, judging from their song "We Are The Legions." FYI - battlelore is about the Lord of the Rings
