Era, when does Life get better?

Sweeney Swift · Oct 30, 2019

In my experience, it doesn't. If you have a good support system/good and supportive and compassionate friends in your life, it gets easier. At this stage when I don't think I even deserve that, it's been just as good to have. I feel lucky to know the people I do, and I make sure to tell them that as often as I can

In terms of what you can do to make someone's time here better and easier: just do that. Just be a good friend. Smile when you know someone you cares about needs to see a smile, be there when you think someone you love needs you or just needs to not be alone. And just try to make this life easier to deal with. Because g*d knows you're not going to find many other places, people, or situations that will do that instead. Don't wait for someone else to make that move or to do the right thing; it's an easy gamble to lose and it only does harm when lost

GARlock Spiral · Oct 30, 2019

joe_zazen said:
If you get to that point where you are buying rope (which i have done), just remeber getting ready to act on suicidal impulses is a medical emergency and hospitals will admit you. I think you know there is some hope because you are posting here...not for a happy life, but for avoiding that terror in the final moments before suicide; and getting the unbearable pain of major depression under control.

when i got hospitalized, that was a bad time, like hellish. I couldn't have gone on. But getting near to the moments before attempting suicide is terrifying, and I decided to give hospitalisation a chance. i got a doctor who helped me get a cocktail of meds that worked, ECT to kill the worst of the episode, and group therapy for two years. And i got some social supports. I dont know if those things are options where you live, but i sure hope so.

I am not going to tell you i am happy about living, because i am not. But i havent had a major episode since release, and i get occasional flashes of happiness against the background of persistent low grade depression. For me it is a victory.

and then just eat bacon and beef everyday so you dont have to live to be 95. Eating bacon and beef everyday is much less scary than affixing rope to the rafters.

Haha, the truth is i'm a massive coward about doing anything lethal. Just doing a lot of thinking and maybe trying to find the courage to stop being such a coward and improve my life the easiest way possible.

Point being i'm far from buying rope or anything like that. I haven't even thought of the how if it gets that far, but there's a few ways to go that would do it. Where i'm from, none of those sound like viable options, sadly. For me, victory feels like it would just be not waking up at all. Ever.

Sweeney Swift said:
In my experience, it doesn't. If you have a good support system/good and supportive and compassionate friends in your life, it gets easier. At this stage when I don't think I even deserve that, it's been just as good to have. I feel lucky to know the people I do, and I make sure to tell them that as often as I can

In terms of what you can do to make someone's time here better and easier: just do that. Just be a good friend. Smile when you know someone you cares about needs to see a smile, be there when you think someone you love needs you or just needs to not be alone. And just try to make this life easier to deal with. Because g*d knows you're not going to find many other places, people, or situations that will do that instead. Don't wait for someone else to make that move or to do the right thing; it's an easy gamble to lose and it only does harm when lost

I don't. The only support system I have is me. No friends, no family, and I live alone. I don't really have anybody to be a good friend to, and that's not something that's going to change. I also have nothing in the latter paragraph.

LexingtonKruger · Oct 30, 2019

Yeah sorry I tried to say life get's better but that's what my brain translated it to.

There are people that will help and care. Put yourself out there. I went from having no friends to some. I am so thankful for all of my friends. If you keep trying you'll meet someone.

Midramble · Oct 31, 2019

Tomorrow it can. At least a single step better. Just a single brick as the beginning of a foundation. Just one different action. Just one fucking thing to give you a signal of hope that "at least that one tiny thing is different". Then add another. and another. The day after that and after that. Then that small mound may fall, but even if that does, remember, you've at least made one that large so you can do it again and make it larger so start with one brick again. Fail a lot by trying. If no progress then you maybe you need to grind out even more fails until one breaks a crack in the wall. Then grind at that fucking crack with a spoon until it's a hole. Even if you have no energy and can only lightly graze your finger against the wall to loosen a few grains of sand, that too is progress though small. The wall is a finite amount of sand. Eventually you'll make it out.

To do that you must take at least the smallest of steps. The only guarantee of failure is not moving at all. Prioritize consistency over quality. The continuous drop of the softest water will eventually break a boulder. Do something towards want you want that is so minutely small that you can't say no to it on any day.

If it's writing, write a single sentence every fucking day. Every day. Just one. Write it on your hand. Carve it on your toast with your finger. Pee it into the suds in the toilet, I don't care, just write one every single fucking day. Eventually you'll have a whole story.

Sure you can die anytime and we all do, but until then you have a chance to live. Not only live but LIVE. While you're still here with us, you might as well build something you'd like to see.

What is it you'd like to see?

UltraMav · Oct 31, 2019

I used to be suicidal. Then I realized that I was going to die anyway from something, so I might as well ride it out and see what happens.

Recent health issues have driven this fact home. If the pain/dietary restrictions get to be too much, I may re-evaluate, but until then, I’m just seeing what happens out of curiosity, at this point.

Funyarinpa · Oct 31, 2019

The only reasonable answer for you right now might be therapy OP

GARlock Spiral · Oct 31, 2019

Midramble said:
Tomorrow it can. At least a single step better. Just a single brick as the beginning of a foundation. Just one different action. Just one fucking thing to give you a signal of hope that "at least that one tiny thing is different". Then add another. and another. The day after that and after that. Then that small mound may fall, but even if that does, remember, you've at least made one that large so you can do it again and make it larger so start with one brick again. Fail a lot by trying. If no progress then you maybe you need to grind out even more fails until one breaks a crack in the wall. Then grind at that fucking crack with a spoon until it's a hole. Even if you have no energy and can only lightly graze your finger against the wall to loosen a few grains of sand, that too is progress though small. The wall is a finite amount of sand. Eventually you'll make it out.

To do that you must take at least the smallest of steps. The only guarantee of failure is not moving at all. Prioritize consistency over quality. The continuous drop of the softest water will eventually break a boulder. Do something towards want you want that is so minutely small that you can't say no to it on any day.

If it's writing, write a single sentence every fucking day. Every day. Just one. Write it on your hand. Carve it on your toast with your finger. Pee it into the suds in the toilet, I don't care, just write one every single fucking day. Eventually you'll have a whole story.

Sure you can die anytime and we all do, but until then you have a chance to live. Not only live but LIVE. While you're still here with us, you might as well build something you'd like to see.

What is it you'd like to see?

It can, sure.

It won't, though.

The latter is what really drove my depression home. Everything I would have liked to see has been crushed before me into a very fine powder, so i've stopped wanting things as it only reminds me of what i'll never have. What i'd like to see is...nothing. Non-existence. I don't want anything anymore aside from to not wake up ever again. It's the knowledge that i'll never be able to LIVE, as you put it. Living to me is like watching Modern Day Simpsons: It really should have ended by now. I'm barely existing as it is.

Rendering... · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral said:
If I did, then what habits do I change? One of my problems is that there's nothing I really care to do anymore. I'm certainly not perfect, but i'm not sure what about me can change that would actually be of any use. I don't see any redeeming value/use in my life whatsoever.

Your environment can have a big effect on your mentality. You see the same places and things, and your mind tees up the same old thoughts. That stuck-in-a-rut feeling is amplified by familiar sights.

You could start by looking for ways to change the most repetitive parts of your routine. I've had lonely periods in my life where I spent too much time at home, or followed the same work-centered routine for months on end. I noticed that taking more walks and visiting new places lifted my mood, even when I didn't have people to socialize with. It's not a magic cure, but introducing novelty to your life with fresh activities can help break your train of thought.

If you combine new places and activities with mindfulness, which is basically the act of concentrating on your surroundings with all of your senses instead of focusing on your thoughts, you might find some relief. Trying this just a couple times per week would be a good start.

TheUnseenTheUnheard · Oct 31, 2019

It has to be when you find stability. If you always have something significant to worry about it's hard to enjoy life.

Jzeero · Oct 31, 2019

Whenever you start treatin yourself

Officer Big Mac · Oct 31, 2019

Aaronrules380 said:
I think one thing to keep in mind is that you might need to put in some effort to make it better instead of just expecting for a better life to just happen. It sounds like you don't have a good support structure, so it's really important that you try to look for opportunities to meet people and make an effort. ANd that's hard, trust me I get it, but things are way more likely to get better if you don't just wait for life to change

This is what I see a lot on Era. People dont get the result they want so they give up and give in to the negative thoughts. To get well you need to choose it and make it a priority.

Find a therapist that you feel comfortable with and who you think is both listening to you but also understanding you. This may take a couple doctors but its important. And all therapists will tell you not every patient is going to have a rapport with them so if it's not working ask for a referral. This is 100% normal protocol.

Be honest with your therapist. He or she cant help you if you hide stuff. If you're suicidal then tell them. Everything you tell them is confidential. Nobody will know what you tell them. They've chosen this profession because they want to help people. Let them help you.

Dont give up. Be tenacious. Decide you want to treat your illness and do what you need to to make that happen. Imagine these negative thoughts as your enemy that's making you feel like crap. Take away its power by recognizing it's an illness, that your identity is much more than just your depression or anxiety and that you deserve the opportunity to be happy.

Fight. Choose to get better. Get in front of a behavioral health professional and dont give up.

Midramble · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral said:
It can, sure.

It won't, though.

The latter is what really drove my depression home. Everything I would have liked to see has been crushed before me into a very fine powder, so i've stopped wanting things as it only reminds me of what i'll never have. What i'd like to see is...nothing. Non-existence. I don't want anything anymore aside from to not wake up ever again. It's the knowledge that i'll never be able to LIVE, as you put it. Living to me is like watching Modern Day Simpsons: It really should have ended by now. I'm barely existing as it is.

It will. If you do that latter. Hell you can do that right now. The only way you guarantee you wan't ever have want you want is buy giving up and never trying again. So what is it you want?

GARlock Spiral · Oct 31, 2019

Midramble said:
It will. If you do that latter. Hell you can do that right now. The only way you guarantee you wan't ever have want you want is buy giving up and never trying again. So what is it you want?

Death. The more I think about it, the clearer it really becomes. There is nothing in life I find appealing that wants to make me stay and everything only gets worse.

No, those are ships that have sailed and gone bye. There are no more incoming ships and there never will be. I am fucking sick of a lifetime of failure. The only winning move is NOT to fucking play, and i've found that out the long, hard way.

Officer Big Mac said:
This is what I see a lot on Era. People dont get the result they want so they give up and give in to the negative thoughts. To get well you need to choose it and make it a priority.

Find a therapist that you feel comfortable with and who you think is both listening to you but also understanding you. This may take a couple doctors but its important. And all therapists will tell you not every patient is going to have a rapport with them so if it's not working ask for a referral. This is 100% normal protocol.

Be honest with your therapist. He or she cant help you if you hide stuff. If you're suicidal then tell them. Everything you tell them is confidential. Nobody will know what you tell them. They've chosen this profession because they want to help people. Let them help you.

Dont give up. Be tenacious. Decide you want to treat your illness and do what you need to to make that happen. Imagine these negative thoughts as your enemy that's making you feel like crap. Take away its power by recognizing it's an illness, that your identity is much more than just your depression or anxiety and that you deserve the opportunity to be happy.

Fight. Choose to get better. Get in front of a behavioral health professional and dont give up.

See, I can't. All this is for someone who wants to LIVE. Right now, it's looking more and more like living is an increasingly fucking terrible idea. I have little faith in therapy and even less cash to consider spending on it. Going through this entire process is a lot of effort for what appears to me as very little reward.

At minimum, asking me not to give up is something you're gonna have to Time Travel to overcome. I gave up years ago after my last shred of optimism got nuked off the earth and sent into the sun. I've kept searching for something to live for, anything really, only to realize that wasn't going to happen. I AM choosing to get better, but you have to understand, blowing my brains out is a definition of "better", and i'm only seeing upsides to that as opposed to everything else.

Midramble · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral said:
Death. The more I think about it, the clearer it really becomes. There is nothing in life I find appealing that wants to make me stay and everything only gets worse.

No, those are ships that have sailed and gone bye. There are no more incoming ships and there never will be. I am fucking sick of a lifetime of failure. The only winning move is NOT to fucking play, and i've found that out the long, hard way.

See, I can't. All this is for someone who wants to LIVE. Right now, it's looking more and more like living is an increasingly fucking terrible idea. I have little faith in therapy and even less cash to consider spending on it. Going through this entire process is a lot of effort for what appears to me as very little reward.

At minimum, asking me not to give up is something you're gonna have to Time Travel to overcome. I gave up years ago after my last shred of optimism got nuked off the earth and sent into the sun. I've kept searching for something to live for, anything really, only to realize that wasn't going to happen. I AM choosing to get better, but you have to understand, blowing my brains out is a definition of "better", and i'm only seeing upsides to that as opposed to everything else.

I mean not playing gets you nothing. Giving up is the only way to guarantee it ends in nothing. What things are there that you want that you've given up on?

Boiled Goose · Oct 31, 2019

OP.

I don't know what it's like to experience the world through your brain, but it does seem clear that you're suffering from depression.

Life to me is enjoyable.

I think the focus should be to get treatment for depression. How you perceive life is determined by that more than circumstance.

GARlock Spiral · Oct 31, 2019

Midramble said:
I mean not playing gets you nothing. Giving up is the only way to guarantee it ends in nothing. What things are there that you want that you've given up on?

A brief list, i guess:

-Feeling things
-Being someone worth a damn
-Thinking I could have a family someday
-Dreams in general
-Life ever being worth living

That's such an open ended question i'm not even sure if that's the exact right answer, but understand me: I've been absolutely fucking done for a while. If you actually want to convince me of any of the above, i'm going to need cold hard proof. I've been patronized my entire life into thinking you're worth a damn only to be horribly, horribly wrong.

Brashnir · Oct 31, 2019

12 years old is the peak. it's all downhill from there.

Midramble · Oct 31, 2019

You would be a prime candidate for CBT therapy. Cognition is a powerful function. The fact that you believe you are worthless means you're not about to view yourself objectively yet. The continuous words of others have associated the concepts of worthlessness and yourself together, when objectively no creature is worthless. You can still physically do things for yourself or others. However small, they are objectively not nothing and thus inherently not worthless.

To be more specific, you say dreams, but lets be more clear there. What goal did you have that you gave up on. What thing did you like but abandon because you believe you can't achieve anything in it?

GARlock Spiral · Oct 31, 2019

Midramble said:
To be more specific, you say dreams, but lets be more clear there. What goal did you have that you gave up on. What thing did you like but abandon because you believe you can't achieve anything in it?

I honestly couldn't tell you. It's been a bit less than a decade since i've stopped having anything resembling that.

Midramble · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral said:
I honestly couldn't tell you. It's been a bit less than a decade since i've stopped having anything resembling that.

Then lets start with a pre step. What would you want to want? (other than the topically stated as that's not a useful thought haha) If you don't have that we can go a step further as well.

Canucked · Oct 31, 2019

Hey OP, I don’t know how it will help, but my life didn’t change until 32. Before I say anything else, I you need to call that hotline.

without the details one day, with the help of doctors, I made a list of minor things to accomplish. The most lame things. There were six.
It helped immensely over that year and I ended up coming out of my funk. There’s a whole lot of dramatic stuff before and after but how I handled it after was a whole new me.
To this day I’ve never even finished the list of six. It’s almost like it’s okay to not hit that mark in life. I make new marks everyday now.

GARlock Spiral · Oct 31, 2019

Midramble said:
Then lets start with a pre step. What would you want to want? (other than the topically stated as that's not a useful thought haha) If you don't have that we can go a step further as well.

Nothing, really. The best case scenario for me wanting anything in life is equivalent to using a monkey's paw and it only ends terribly. I guess i don't have that?

Midramble · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral said:
Nothing, really. The best case scenario for me wanting anything in life is equivalent to using a monkey's paw and it only ends terribly. I guess i don't have that?

Hypothetically if it wan't a monkey's paw, if you could do any, even small a thing, What would you want? Would you want to make something? Want to see something? Want to help some one or some group? Want to taste something? Want to smell something? Want to write something? Read something? Physically feel something? Hear something? Go somewhere?

Hypothetically if it was going to work out all right. What would you want?

GARlock Spiral · Oct 31, 2019

Midramble said:
Hypothetically if it wan't a monkey's paw, if you could do any, even small a thing, What would you want? Would you want to make something? Want to see something? Want to help some one or some group? Want to taste something? Want to smell something? Want to write something? Read something? Physically feel something? Hear something? Go somewhere?

Hypothetically if it was going to work out all right. What would you want?

No and nothing to all of the above.

Death, I suppose. It's the only solution guaranteed to work.

Noctis · Oct 31, 2019

Midramble · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral said:
No and nothing to all of the above.

Death, I suppose. It's the only solution guaranteed to work.

What do you mean work? It gives nothing. It only takes everything from you and takes from others. Death is the absence of giving. It's destroying all potential to ever give again.

If you believe you have no worth, then what is worth? What does have worth? Does anything or anyone else have worth?

I'll tell you something objectively true, others find you useful. Others see worth in potential you posses however small. Hell a non profit would adore even an hour of your time just lifting things.

GARlock Spiral · Oct 31, 2019

Midramble said:
What do you mean work? It gives nothing. It only takes everything from you and takes from others. Death is the absence of giving. It's destroying all potential to ever give again.

If you believe you have no worth, then what is worth? What does have worth? Does anything or anyone else have worth?

As in, making me feel better. Sure, it takes everything, but it's effective. It won't take from others, the only effect it will have is the paperwork and cleanup. Numerous other solutions involve paying out the ass to jump through hoops so maybe, just MAYBE, things MIGHT change, but i'm far past having any sorts of optimism. Nothing of value would be lost, so why not?

Most other people, i'd imagine. I've just lived enough of my own life to realize that there is no version of me that is worth an iota.

Midramble · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral said:
As in, making me feel better. Sure, it takes everything, but it's effective. It won't take from others, the only effect it will have is the paperwork and cleanup. Numerous other solutions involve paying out the ass to jump through hoops so maybe, just MAYBE, things MIGHT change, but i'm far past having any sorts of optimism. Nothing of value would be lost, so why not?

Most other people, i'd imagine. I've just lived enough of my own life to realize that there is no version of me that is worth an iota.

When every human has worth at least through some amount of potential though at least a minimum to simply being alive what makes you the exception? Why do you believe you are exceptionally worthless? What evidence makes you believe there is no potential. What makes you believe you can't do anything?

TheCthultist · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral said:
Haha, the truth is i'm a massive coward about doing anything lethal. Just doing a lot of thinking and maybe trying to find the courage to stop being such a coward and improve my life the easiest way possible.

Therapy and a gentle hand to guide you can make a world of difference. But it’s not for everyone. Some of us need a firm, strong slap in the face and no-nonsense heart-to-heart discussion with someone. I know it‘s worked wonders for me in the past and if you genuinely feel like “death is the only solution guaranteed to work,” feel free to hit me up in a private message sometime. We’ll have a nice little chat.

Because right now you’re making a whole lot of dramatic assumptions about life, death, the world, and your own well-being that are about as far from healthy or useful to you as can be... I would echo the sentiment of giving the hotline a call, but if you really can’t bring yourself to do that we’re always here if you want to talk.

GARlock Spiral · Oct 31, 2019

Midramble said:
When every human has worth at least through some amount of potential though at least a minimum to simply being alive what makes you the exception? Why do you believe you are exceptionally worthless? What evidence makes you believe there is no potential. What makes you believe you can't do anything?

I've spent my life trying to achieve...anything and i've came up completely empty. All i've had to show for it is being a useless fucking loser.

My potential has faded and burnt out. I've watched it go and i've beat my head against a wall trying to do more and failed. It's constant and never changes. I've been trying to do anything for the last six months and that has come up empty. It's part of me that's always been there, that i've fought hard to change, realized I haven't been able to, and that caused more depression. Nothing more than me acknowledging my own worthlessness.

stan_marsh · Oct 31, 2019

life is shit, I'm not dead because I am scared of failing and becoming a vegetable, then I really can't end this misery.
Anti depressants don't do shit, and I am tired of cheesy quotes/motivational bullshit.

yepyepyep · Oct 31, 2019

The nastiest trick depression pulls is that when you are in an episode it does seem like your life is a neverending series of failures, mishaps and that there is no hope for the future. Life is tough regardless, it is not sunshine and roses when you are not depressed. But the whole feeling of despondency and hopelessness is not true, it is the depression making it seem like that. I can't give any unique advice, but yes, you have to make a concerted effort to fight it. Focus on small goals to achieve, no matter how minor. Try to change your perception that is not overly pessimistic, that doesn't mean convincing yourself everything happy happy rainbows all the time, but try to keep in proportion the mishaps that are making you feel down, also try to acknowledge the small moments that make you happy, waking up to nice weather, eating a nice meal, laughing at a joke, etc, etc.

CaptSpaulding · Oct 31, 2019

Midramble · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral said:
I've spent my life trying to achieve...anything and i've came up completely empty. All i've had to show for it is being a useless fucking loser.

My potential has faded and burnt out. I've watched it go and i've beat my head against a wall trying to do more and failed. It's constant and never changes. I've been trying to do anything for the last six months and that has come up empty. It's part of me that's always been there, that i've fought hard to change, realized I haven't been able to, and that caused more depression. Nothing more than me acknowledging my own worthlessness.

This objectively does not guarantee it wont get better either. I was in something similar. I bombed out of college so joined the military to fix that. Still grew debt and had to keep downsizing apartments until I had to move out into the boonies with my wife at the time. Then it got even worse as I still was shit at getting anything done. Never met a deadline. Always failed completing tasks. Never got stuff done at home. Made my wife's life more and more miserable every day. I yelled and was angry and broke things and got worse and worse and fatter and lazier and then my wife cheated on me and left. Then came back and left 6 more times. Said she outgrew me. When I happened to run into again a year after 6 months of silence from her she basically shrugged and said she had things she needed to do and walked away. Never heard from her again. During that divorce time I spent a year in Afghanistan were I felt useless to my team and practiced ending my life every time I went to the bathroom with the weapon they had us carry around. One night I got the courage to finally go through with it and snuck into my office, loaded it, cocked it, pointed it at my chest and began to squeeze, while I slowly squeezed I took a last minute survey to make sure I had nothing else. My parents would be fine, I was worthless, my ex wouldn't have to worry anymore, I'd no longer be a burden, but then I thought about how it would traumatize my sister and I stopped squeezing. I hated myself for nearly a year for not being able to go through with that. That lack of change and despair and self hatred for not being able to quit stuck with me for another 5 years until I reached my 30s and I met my wife and was able to start making small changes. I was never in the history of my life ever able to start making even the most minute improvement to myself until my early 30s. Some take even longer but the point is that it can still happen. No one is worthless. Even your broken self can add value to the world, to your own experience, to anyone elses. Even just surviving can give hope to someone else that is struggling to survive themselves.

If nothing else, I would personally be sad to see you go. I would be happier if you stuck around.

GARlock Spiral · Oct 31, 2019

Midramble said:
This objectively does not guarantee it wont get better either. I was in something similar. I bombed out of college so joined the military to fix that. Still grew debt and had to keep downsizing apartments until I had to move out into the boonies with my wife at the time. Then it got even worse as I still was shit at getting anything done. Never met a deadline. Always failed completing tasks. Never got stuff done at home. Made my wife's life more and more miserable every day. I yelled and was angry and broke things and got worse and worse and fatter and lazier and then my wife cheated on me and left. Then came back and left 6 more times. Said she outgrew me. When I happened to run into again a year after 6 months of silence from her she basically shrugged and said she had things she needed to do and walked away. Never heard from her again. During that divorce time I spent a year in Afghanistan were I felt useless to my team and practiced ending my life every time I went to the bathroom with the weapon they had us carry around. One night I got the courage to finally go through with it and snuck into my office, loaded it, cocked it, pointed it at my chest and began to squeeze, while I slowly squeezed I took a last minute survey to make sure I had nothing else. My parents would be fine, I was worthless, my ex wouldn't have to worry anymore, I'd no longer be a burden, but then I thought about how it would traumatize my sister and I stopped squeezing. I hated myself for nearly a year for not being able to go through with that. That lack of change and despair and self hatred for not being able to quit stuck with me for another 5 years until I reached my 30s and I met my wife and was able to start making small changes. I was never in the history of my life ever able to start making even the most minute improvement to myself until my early 30s. Some take even longer but the point is that it can still happen. No one is worthless. Even your broken self can add value to the world, to your own experience, to anyone elses. Even just surviving can give hope to someone else that is struggling to survive themselves.

If nothing else, I would personally be sad to see you go. I would be happier if you stuck around.

After 30 years of nothing more than a downhill slope, I'd say you have a higher chance of Donald Trump acting presidential. Objectively it doesn't guarantee it won't happen, but it's Donald Trump. It CAN happen, but It's so very, very unlikely, why bother even pretending it's an outcome?

And i'm glad that happened to you. For me, i don't have half that tale. Getting married is and always will be an impossibility for me. I don't have parents or an ex or anyone who would be traumatized or even miss me, and I never will. The hard part is actually finding the courage to do it. Maybe I could if i actually focused on it. You might be sad, but trust me, I would be far happier as a corpse than the walking corpse i presently am. .

yepyepyep said:
The nastiest trick depression pulls is that when you are in an episode it does seem like your life is a neverending series of failures, mishaps and that there is no hope for the future. Life is tough regardless, it is not sunshine and roses when you are not depressed. But the whole feeling of despondency and hopelessness is not true, it is the depression making it seem like that. I can't give any unique advice, but yes, you have to make a concerted effort to fight it. Focus on small goals to achieve, no matter how minor. Try to change your perception that is not overly pessimistic, that doesn't mean convincing yourself everything happy happy rainbows all the time, but try to keep in proportion the mishaps that are making you feel down, also try to acknowledge the small moments that make you happy, waking up to nice weather, eating a nice meal, laughing at a joke, etc, etc.

No, it literaly IS true. There isn't a single thing in my future I look forward to, and I don't have the effort to bother fighting life anymore. I can't really acknowledge anything of that sort. I haven't felt anything needed for most of those in about a decade.

TheCthultist · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral said:
No, it literaly IS true. There isn't a single thing in my future I look forward to, and I don't have the effort to bother fighting life anymore. I can't really acknowledge anything of that sort. I haven't felt anything needed for most of those in about a decade.

Then stop melodramatically wallowing in it and make something for yourself to look forward to...

If you really have no intention of seeking medical help concerning depression, start thinking outside the box.

If you’re giving up on life anyway, give up on it in a constructive way. Put off ending it all until you’ve wrung everything you possibly can out of life, since there’ll be no going back once you make that choice. Go travel the world. See some places, people, and cultures you haven’t before. Take some risks. Do some things that you never bothered considering under normal circumstances. If you don’t have any plans for the future anyway, what have you got to lose?

Try improving yourself in ways you haven’t before. Take up meditation. Look into alternative ways of awakening creativity or inspiration in your own mind. Have you ever published something? We have creative writing threads every month or so and a poetry thread, both of which seem like they could be right up your alley. Try putting yourself out there in some written format. Or hell, go become a monk and join a monastery somewhere that doesn’t require you to concern yourself with the here and now...

Don’t see any way you can help improve your own life? Fine. Don’t think of it as your life anymore. Go into the service of others. Dedicate yourself to charity work to ensure other people who have it worse than you can have a little bit of comfort or compassion in their lives to fall back on. Be the thing that keeps them going and keeps them from making the same awful decision you seem so intent on fantasizing about. If you really can’t stand the idea of trying to improve yourself for yourself, improve yourself for the benefit of others. Dying isn’t going to do anyone any good.

Literally any of these are better options than “just ending it” and I guarantee you that at age 30 you sure as hell haven’t given them all a shot yet... Life’s got a shitload of weird paths to offer you that you would just completely ignore in favor of dying before you even hit 4 decades on this rock. I can’t get behind that.

IlGialloMondadori · Oct 31, 2019

Yo, try meditating / mindfulness. I saw you post about devastating humiliation back there. Part of what it helps you do is just not care at all what others think, to not worry about things you have no control over.
Life is constant ups and downs. Had a pile of disastrous downs in the last six months, but I’m still moving through it.

PeakPointMatrix · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral said:
I've spent my life trying to achieve...anything and i've came up completely empty.

Have you ever tried donating your time for a charity or helping feed the homeless? There is so much value in a helping hand.

LookAtMeGo · Oct 31, 2019

I read some self help books when I was in a dark place. They helped. Delved into some eastern philosophy. Started exercising. Set some small goals for myself. Nothing too crazy. Clean my place, do a few pushups or go for a walk here and there. Slowly started feeling like I was accomplishing something. Started looking forward to some small things like new games or movies coming out so I had at least a little something to look forward to. When you get stuck in that negative thought process because nothing ever goes right, it's really hard to snap out of once it spirals out of control.

Over time things started feeling better. Took a little pride in the fact that I at least had clean place and a roof over my head. Started appreciating some smaller things. Got outside more.

It takes work but you have the power to be the change you want to see in your life. You just need to start small. You have to want it though. That's the hard part.

Can you get a pet? Having something to take care of that needs you can help give your life meaning when there is none.

Can you move? Starting over somewhere new can open up so many new opportunities.

Jzeero · Oct 31, 2019

PeakPointMatrix said:
Have you ever tried donating your time for a charity or helping feed the homeless? There is so much value in those who can offer a helping hand.

Agreed, nothing makes me feel as empowered as helping other people.

quesalupa · Oct 31, 2019

I've been there man. Some things are in your control, a lot of things aren't. But let me tell you, it's worth sticking around to feel the amount of happiness and love you never thought you could achieve, when it does come. My dumb advice: do the (healthy) things and make the commitments that you're afraid of.

lvl 99 Pixel · Oct 31, 2019

quesalupa said:
I've been there man. Some things are in your control, a lot of things aren't. But let me tell you, it's worth sticking around to feel the amount of happiness and love you never thought you could achieve, when it does come. My dumb advice: do the (healthy) things and make the commitments that you're afraid of.

When Dysthymia is the best case scenario for decades of your life it feels like a cheap shot when people tell you its coming, that good life and happiness and love etc. I know most people mean well when they do it, but its definitely a painful read at times.

Skade · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral said:
A brief list, i guess:

-Feeling things
-Being someone worth a damn
-Thinking I could have a family someday
-Dreams in general
-Life ever being worth living

That's such an open ended question i'm not even sure if that's the exact right answer, but understand me: I've been absolutely fucking done for a while. If you actually want to convince me of any of the above, i'm going to need cold hard proof. I've been patronized my entire life into thinking you're worth a damn only to be horribly, horribly wrong.

Maybe it's a stupid idea but...

Have you tried to adopt a pet ? A dog, a cat, something ?

I know it sounds silly but a few acquaintances of mine where in a similar mindset than you but found some sort of fullfillment in taking care of a pet and ended up being more happy afterwards. I suppose it has to do with having a living being showing you unconditionnal love and who will most likely never betray you. But anyway, it seems to have helped a few people so maybe it's worth a try ?

P-MAC · Oct 31, 2019

It’s not about life getting better, it’s about your outlook getting better. There are beautiful, wonderful things in this world and terrible, horrifying ones. In that sense life never truly gets better but you can learn to appreciate it for the mind blowing miracle it is. We’re on a rock in the middle of nothing filled with countless plant and animal species! What the fuck even is this about ?? I’m no expert but play with a cat or dog, go for a walk in the countryside, listen to some live music. It’s these little things that you’ll never be able to experience again if you die that make life worth living. It’s not work or your career or being successful. I’m willing to bet there are a lot of things you love that you would be missing out on if you lost your life.

Since you said dreaming, being somebody worth a damn and having a family in your post quoted above, I know you’re a daydreamer like me. Even not being able to do that anymore would be a shame.

And you’re absolutely worth a damn no matter what you think.

You’re worth a damn to me just from reading this thread.

We’re here to give you advice and we can help you get to a place you can feel proud of yourself - what would that take, for you personally ?

GiantEnemyCrab · Oct 31, 2019

P-MAC said:
It’s not about life getting better, it’s about your outlook getting better. There are beautiful, wonderful things in this world and terrible, horrifying ones. In that sense life never truly gets better but you can learn to appreciate it for the mind blowing miracle it is. We’re on a rock in the middle of nothing filled with countless plant and animal species! What the fuck even is this about ?? I’m no expert but play with a cat or dog, go for a walk in the countryside, listen to some live music. It’s these little things that you’ll never be able to experience again if you die that make life worth living. I’m willing to bet there are a lot of things you love that you would be missing out on if you lost your life.

Well said.

DrBorisGoltz · Oct 31, 2019

My life has slowly been getting better, but it's taking a long time. I'm 33 now and I still don't feel "good" most of the time. I see my brother and my sister though and they don't seem to be improving at all, which makes me question if everyone can get better. I'm still optimistic, for what it's worth.

fleet · Oct 31, 2019

i'm a provisional psychologist. please talk to a professional if you can. idk what country you are from but in australia, you can go to your gp and get a mental health care plan for 10 free sessions with a psychologist. perhaps there is something similar where you live.

your posts reflect someone who sounds depressed. this is awful because i am so sorry you feel that way, but it's also great because depression is treatable. you don't have to feel this way forever. it takes effort and there will be setbacks (looks like you have had your unfortunate share of these already) but you can do it.

edit: and while there is a lot of great advice in this thread, i also really highly recommended not reading into stranger's advice as much as possible. there's a lot of posts in here which are NOT helpful even if though they sound very trustworthy.

marches · Oct 31, 2019

I'm a failure in life op. And being a shut in for ten years, and at 33 years old I don't see any success in my future. But I take what happiness I can get in the little things in life. I have the support of my mom, who is bipolar herself. We take turns in helping each other. I don't have the money to go see a therapist, so I'm constantly reading articles on CBT in the internet. I'm just trying to live by the day, and trying not to think of the future. It seems to be working atm. I reason to myself, that I can always end it if I want to in the future. In the meantime, I have my hobbies, gaming, reading fictions/fanfictions, my pets, my plants, and of course my mom. They seem to work in taking away my depression, not as much in my social-anxiety, but helps a little in my agoraphobia.

My mom suffers from severe depression once a year. Taking the right medicine really helps her get over it. The cocktail of drugs in our brain really affects our mood and feelings. Finding the right way to correct it either by taking the right drugs or doing certain activities, like exercise, going out in the sun, just being mindful, doing everything one at a time. I do hope you go look for that doctor, or that suicide hotline. Please get proper treatment. Depression is a real illness, that needs proper treatment.

plngsplsh · Oct 31, 2019

GARlock Spiral, what's your favourite food? What's some dish that you've never tried? Do you have a favourite piece of music?

Does one really have to make it big (career-wise and socially) to lead a fullfilling life? Aren't the allegedly small things more than enough to make life worth living? Savour it.

Spinluck · Oct 31, 2019

Rendering... said:
One of the biggest lies ever told is that failure is something to fear. It's literally the key ingredient to learning and growth.

It never feels good, and sometimes there's no gift-wrapped lesson to take from devastating humiliation, but trying again is enough. Experience is about trying again, a lot, until you create something worthwhile out of your struggles.

You shouldn't trust a depressed mind to supply a clear and realistic picture of the future. The future you see from your current standpoint is hardly the full scope of your possibilities. That's just a fact.

These are great post, damn near made me tear up as someone with chronic depression.

Do not believe your depression OP.

Depression is so difficult because it’s a mental illness that requires healthy lifestyle changes in order to be effectively combated, and yet it attacks that very desire to want to improve. I had a friend describe it super well: depression makes you feel like you’re alone on island where not only do you feel isolated and that no one can reach/understand you, but that you’re stuck and have no means of getting off that island. The apathy and hopelessness of depression is the most crippling aspect, imo, since it keeps you from seeing the value in not just yourself, but in stuff that can help you.

Instead of pursuing happiness pursue things that you can attribute meaning to. People think depression and happiness are polar opposites whereas I believe it is more that depression is just apathy towards life. The inability to feel, to let people in, or let anyone know you need help because you don't think you deserve it.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Era, when does Life get better?

Self-requested temporary ban