Although designed as a last-minute surprise, this general election has been a leaden death march that began badly, long outstayed its welcome and then collapsed in a fug of almost universal disillusionment. However you slice it, the campaign has been abject. We are on the precipice of this country’s biggest ever peacetime crisis, and the most likely outcomes are dismal. It is enough to break your heart so, here, have some half-hearted distraction in the form of the 2017 General Election awards. You’re welcome, wounded electorate.
Best eating of a thing
There is one steadfast rule when it comes to political campaigning: never eat anything. After all, it was a humble bacon sandwich that kept Ed Miliband from Downing Street two years ago. The Conservatives temporarily forgot this when they handed Theresa May some chips in Cornwall last month, and only barely survived her ensuing facial contortions. But rules are meant to be broken, and when Jeremy Corbyn successfully managed to navigate a Pringle into his mouth after a TV appearance last week, the crowd went nuts. Here was a man who honestly looked as if he knew what food was for. True, he did wave the Pringle in the air a bit first, which is not what you are supposed to do with crisps, but beggars can’t be choosers.
Angriest voter (singular)
Malcolm Baker, a leave voter from Kidlington, Oxfordshire, spent his 65th birthday doing exactly what he loved most: bellowing abuse into the astonished face of Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron. Wearing a Queen Mary fleece, the ruddy and animated Baker hurled himself in front of Farron and screeched that the Lib Dems wouldn’t “make Britain great again”. He began to walk away, then turned back and screamed: “I’ll be voting for THERESA MAY!” As a voice off-camera muttered “You fucking idiot”, Baker proudly saluted at nobody and declared Britain to be “a fantastic company”.
Most optimistic rebrand
Did you notice that Baker yelled “Theresa May” and not “the Conservative party”? The Tories’ election strategist Lynton Crosby did, which is why the earliest days of the Conservative campaign went to great lengths to avoid mentioning the Conservatives at all. Instead, we were presented with several placards heralding “THERESA MAY’S TEAM”. Because, sure, the Tories had bungled Brexit so badly that it damaged the brand, but at least their leader was a shining figurehead of unspoken promise. Of course, in time, we would learn that May was basically a panic-stricken, moon-mouthed, voter-averse talking teddy bear who came pre-programmed with three soundbites and shed popularity every time she got too close to a human being, so the rebrand didn’t last long. But, still, solid effort.
Most forgetful dolt
Paul Nuttall always had his work cut out. As Ukip leader, not only did he have to live up to the prodigiously self-serving example set by his predecessor, Nigel Farage, but his party has also achieved 100% of its aims and is now irrelevant. To remain part of the conversation, though, Nuttall had a plan up his sleeve: being very stupid in public. Luckily, during the campaign, he delivered. During one debate, any mention of his policies was overshadowed by his insistence on calling everybody Natalie. Both Plaid Cymru leader, Leanne Wood, and the Green party’s co-leader, Caroline Lucas, ended up being mercilessly Natalied, despite their many protestations. Mission accomplished, you dolt.
Most soul-crushing endorsement
Think back to 2015. After months of imploring his fans not to vote, Russell Brand decided to throw his weight behind Ed Miliband. “This is the decisive moment of the election!” frothed the hot-take industrial complex in response. “The Conservatives don’t stand a chance!” Then Miliband lost, and the world quickly learned never to trust a Brand endorsement again. So, in the event of another Conservative landslide tonight, historians would be wise to trace the victory back to Brand’s recent Huffington Post blog entitled “Jeremy Corbyn Won’t Be Perfect, But He Has the Qualities I Want in a Strong and Stable Leader”.
Sweetest revenge
Putting George Osborne, a former Conservative chancellor, in charge of a daily newspaper initially seemed like an act of wanton pro-government propaganda. But just as London braced itself for an onslaught of relentless rightwing editorial in the London Evening Standard, it happened: Osborne’s first front page delighted in the mocking of May’s “strong and stable” motto. Then another crowed about Corbyn’s surging popularity. If this were any other editor at any other newspaper, no one would have noticed. But from Osborne, it looked like a display of relentless sass from a scorned ex.
Best voter incentive
With two general elections and a referendum in two years, Britain has every reason to feel slightly voted out. Banksy tried to inject some enthusiasm into this round by offering to send a free print to all non-Tory voters in six Bristol constituencies, but that promotion fell foul of Electoral Commission guidelines. So hats off to Thetford’s Light Cinema and BrewDog, which are offering a coffee and a beer, respectively, to anyone who votes today. This is proof that it doesn’t matter who you vote for, because everyone has a fundamental right to stimulate themselves into drinking the pain away.
Angriest voter (ensemble)
All potential prime ministers face one existential question: if push came to shove, would they be willing to murder millions of innocent people in a nuclear holocaust the likes of which the world has never seen? Corbyn, the giant pansy, said he wouldn’t. As you would expect, the response was correctly furious. During the Question Time special, one bonk-eyed hero with a third-division footballer’s haircut proclaimed himself “concerned” by Corbyn’s stance. Another roared about Corbyn’s willingness to pop around to North Korea with an apologetic muffin basket before the mushroom cloud had even cleared. A third flung himself to his knees and howled: “Why won’t you commit genocide? Why? I’ll do it! Give me the button and I’ll do it now! I’ll kill everyone, you COWARD!” In the event of another Tory landslide tonight, historians would be wise to trace the victory back to Corbyn’s unwillingness to change his campaign slogan to: “Corbyn For Definite Harrowing Widespread World-Ending Murder.”
Worst Jeremy Paxman impersonation
Won, as always, by Jeremy Paxman. During the ostentatiously titled Channel 4 pseudo-debate May v Corbyn Live: The Battle for Number 10, Paxman made it his duty to prevent every last soundbite from struggling to completion. His interruptions were manifest. He droned. He yelped. He waggled leaflets. At one point, during a question about nuclear deterrents, he found his own interruption being interrupted, and started to fizz and bark like a Zoltar Speaks machine gone haywire. At times you had to pinch yourself to make sure that this was Paxman talking, and not the world’s worst Wetherspoons day-drinker.
Most tangible panic
The moment May ruled herself out of any televised debates, she essentially took a 12-bore to her own feet. The corner she subsequently painted herself into – take part and look weak, or refuse and look scared – was blasted into sharp relief during a debate-day press conference. “Why won’t you appear?” she was asked again and again. Her response was a kind of dry-mouthed funereal chuckle, coupled with an uncontrollable Action Man eye-swivel. In the end, it was decided that she would participate, but only remotely via smoke signals created by the hasty burning of any and all “THERESA MAY’S TEAM” campaign material.
Biggest disappointment
At the end of the long and Mayless BBC debate, just as the public was coming to terms with the choice ahead of it, the moment came for Farron to make his final remarks. “The prime minister is not here tonight,” he said. “She can’t be bothered, so why should you? In fact, Bake Off is on BBC2 next. Why not make yourself a brew?” There was a surge of applause. The excitement around the country was palpable. Then realisation hit. He was talking about Bake Off Creme de la Creme, a boring programme that nobody likes. The real Great British Bake Off had still been sold to Channel 4, and Noel Fielding was still on it, and the disappointment was so pronounced that nobody ever voted Lib Dem again.
Borisiest moment
Ever since he managed to get outsmarted by Michael Gove, Boris Johnson has been a timid shadow of his former self. However, a flash of the old obnoxious Boris still managed to bubble to the surface during an impromptu on-camera scuffle with Labour candidate Andrew Gwynne. After Gwynne put his arm around Boris, and what felt like a full eternity of babbled finger-pointing, Boris reached around, grabbed Gwynne by the shoulder and seemed to try to yank him to the floor. At last, a resurgence of the proud lion who once thought nothing of rugby tackling a 10-year-old boy to the ground in public. Boris is back, everyone. Brace yourselves.
Catchiest tune
In an election that has piled horror on top of horror, God knows we need a hero. And that hero is Greg Knight. His campaign video starts off just as stilted and awkward as anything else that has ever been uploaded to YouTube by a 68-year-old career politician, but then magically bursts into song. “You’ll get accountability / with Conservative delivery,” it goes, hammering away like a golden-era Stock Aitken & Waterman single. “Make sure this time you get it right / vote for Greg Kniiiiight.” Further investigation reveals that Knight also plays drums in a cross-party parliamentary band called MP4. They have an album on Spotify. It isn’t completely terrible. Truly, Knight is the prospective Conservative Member of Parliament for East Yorkshire of our hearts.
Best policy
If the people of Maidenhead vote out May today, it will be because one of her opponents is running on a “Bring back Ceefax” ticket. Lord Buckethead, formerly of the Gremloids party, self-identifies as an intergalactic space lord. His other policies involve a second Brexit referendum and a defence of full-face coverings, but it’s his intention to revive Ceefax – which, for younger readers, was a small, slow internet transmitted through your TV – that is most likely to win over voters. Lord Buckethead has lost two elections against two other sitting prime ministers in the past, but back then he wasn’t advocating the return of blocky, slow-loading meat and livestock price updates delivered on a cathode-ray television screen.
Catchiest three-word slogan
Contenders: “Strong and stable”, “Enough is enough” and “Brexit means Brexit”. Winner: “Please stop talking.”
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