Alana MasseyVerified account

@AlanaMassey

writing covering pain and pop ✍️🤮squirrel doing karaoke 🎤🐿 I write books and stories and tweets

The Catskills
Joined November 2011

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  1. Pinned Tweet
    2 Apr 2016

    "Sir, your first wife is here. She doesn't look pleased."

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  2. I can’t tell you how fucking often I utter the truly bizarre truth “I’m extremely fortunate that I was sick and unable to work often enough for the last few years to qualify for Medicaid and learned early how to navigate my telemedicine options” but here we are!

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  3. Like, they were only looking at my mailbox to find my address cause I don’t have it on my house! My porch looks like shit in solidarity with ME, you ghouls! I had to BEG + prove catastrophic need for Medicaid and loan deferment for 6+ mos, got mortgage relief in ONE phone call

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  4. Oh also: I heard two gabbing on a jog speculating how my home was cute but “def looks abandoned” because part of my porch steps are broken and not pristinely kept and my mailbox # is faded. I yelled “plague!!” from an upstairs window as they considered “checking it out”?!!?

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  5. I live in vacation home hotbed for NYC’s rich who fled. So far I have witnessed them verbally abuse grocery store workers, haggle w/ their NYC maids, and one offered me $300 for this when I was offering spritzes to cashiers & which I’ve always stocked cause I’m immunocompromised

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  6. Retweeted
    1 hour ago

    everyone has their their own way of coping, but I think we can all agree that other people’s are annoying and bad

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  7. Retweeted
    3 hours ago

    a friend was saying last night that, with the yuppies fleeing the city, for the old men of the Village who survived AIDS, the neighborhood now feels like the 1980s. Guys who haven't seen each other in years run into each other on the street and can't believe it.

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  9. Retweeted
    21 hours ago

    this might be my favorite one

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  10. Retweeted

    Completely wild that British people have started calling swimming not-in-a-pool “wild swimming.” What went wrong on that island that they needed a new term for...swimming

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  11. Retweeted
    23 hours ago

    there is an implied assumption in the movie The Replacements that NFL cheerleaders are both unionized and make more money than strippers...and man is that just categorically false.

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  12. Retweeted

    Me talking a bunch of shit vs Me facing professional consequences for talking a bunch of shit

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  13. Retweeted
    Mar 27

    medical fetishwear co donates their entire supply of disposable scrubs to the NHS. if pure-hearted sex freaks don't save this cute-but-cursed world i'm not staying

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  14. Retweeted
    Mar 27

    today a man dropped off 10lbs of ground beef, 10lbs of chicken (plus some other items on my list) and also paid for my grocery order coming this weekend. in return i showed him one single boob (from 6' away) for exactly 3 seconds. 📢 ladies: THIS CAN AND SHOULD BE YOU. 📢

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  15. Mar 27

    Like, I look back on stuff like this and remember really thinking I would recover and be fine and so I kept up the good spirits and I AM cute and funny as shit still but eventually I was like “you can’t go back now”

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  16. Mar 27

    A thing that’s been hard to explain to friends who are just now learning that I’m chronically ill, getting worse at an *inopportune* time, and that it started 22 months ago is that being jokey and cutesy makes people less uncomfortable and more generous in a way sincerity doesn’t

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  17. Mar 27
    Replying to

    This offer is how I caught the eye of my hot best friend Eva who quit Twitter but never quit me and it’s her birthday and she’s organizing LA rent strikes so Sir C-A-L himself gave his takes Zayn’s leaving 1D, serfdom uprisings, the plague of Athens, and landlord cannibalism

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  18. Mar 27
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  19. Retweeted
    Mar 27

    I can feel where Blockbusters used to be

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  20. Mar 27

    SERIOUSLY GUYS, I AM BORED AND ILL AND I WANT TO READ PIPPIN D. SPORTS CHALET CONTENT

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  21. Mar 27

    Get in losers, this is a thread where we roast Timothee Chalamet in a mostly good-natured way but even if it did hurt his feelings, he would laugh it off awkwardly and say its ok like he does about fucking everything

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