HAMPDEN SYDNEY, Va. — On the first day of his freshman year, each student at Hampden-Sydney, the men’s college we attend in southern Virginia, is given a slim rule book.
“To Manner Born, to Manners Bred: A Hip-Pocket Guide to Etiquette for the Hampden-Sydney Man” was first written in 1978. Though it has been updated consistently, portions of it can seem a tad old-fashioned.
“Dress trousers made from a family tartan can be very striking,” reads the section on proper dress, which also includes what to wear to the opera (a suit or, if it’s opening night, black tie). The table manners chapter is painstakingly specific, with details on the proper way to arrange dessert utensils (above the dinner plate, as “is always done in Europe”).
But the college doesn’t really distribute this booklet in 2017 to dictate what color socks to wear with a blue seersucker suit (navy). It is handed out to remind students that appropriate behavior is part of their education.
The rule book’s overarching lesson is summed up in the prologue (eighth edition): “Civility and integrity are the bases upon which relationships — professional and personal — are built.”
That ethos is meant to guide campus culture here, and for the most part it does. Our school’s code of conduct requires that each student “behave as a gentleman at all times and in all places.” That basically boils down to treating everyone with respect.
As presidents of the College Republicans and the Young Democrats, we found that seemingly old-fashioned manners came in handy over the past year.
During the presidential campaign, the habit of exchanging polite greetings regardless of whether one was “with her” or wearing a Make America Great Again cap kept tensions from coming to a boil. And on election night, students from both sides of the political aisle were able to gather to watch the returns at the Union Philanthropic Literary Society, Hampden-Sydney’s debate club.
It’s not that we don’t disagree with one another, and we certainly don’t mean to imply that we are perfect. Like most other college students, we find trouble to get into. But we listen to one another. In debates, we recognize one another’s differing opinions. We don’t resort to calling one another America-hating liberals or racist Republicans. Even tense communication has to remain polite for thoughtful dialogue.
Our etiquette booklet does not directly address political disagreement, but it does say there “is a difference between a lively and interesting discussion of a topic which welcomes points of view and the bullying determination of someone to have his or her say regardless of the opinions and sensibilities of others.”
That line seems pretty relevant today.
In a time of heavy political polarization, the national dialogue is fractured and vitriolic. We see this playing out particularly on other college campuses, where occasionally violent protests have broken out. There has to be something to embracing civility and interpersonal decency as ground rules for more productive discourse.
We don’t mean to preach to our peers. Hampden-Sydney students probably have an easier time seeing eye to eye. We go to a men’s college, so not surprisingly, the demographic tends to be a little homogeneous. Maybe we can more easily afford to believe that one’s political impulses and passions are less important than the ability to shake the hand of someone who disagrees with you.
But today’s college-age Americans will graduate to have an influential role in government and society. Perhaps if our generation can combine raw passion with more old-fashioned ideals about politeness, we can transform disparate — yet potentially complementary — ideas into meaningful change.
We know this sounds idealistic. Repairing the American social fabric doesn’t seem like an easy task. But as “To Manner Born” says, “what is important is that we do not fail to acknowledge each other.”