You know a 3 Day Christmas review fell on me today

February 12, 2021 / Comedy Films, Family Films

PLOT

Given the synopsis I read beforehand, I was expecting another A Magic Christmas style “phones are bad, m’kay?” story.

What I got instead was a Doomsday Preppers Christmas special that wanted to be a Home Alone ripoff.

CHARACTERS

Every single character in this movie is insane and makes bizarre choices, but darn it if the cast doesn’t still manage to make you like them along the way.

The antagonism between the oldest daughter and the cousin was weirdly flirty, too.

FX

I appreciated the day markers to let me know how far into the movie I was.

REWATCHABILITY

Probably one of the most pointless Christmas movies I’ve seen so far, but it wasn’t angering-ly awful, I guess.

A summer’s day is as beautiful as an A Very Cool Christmas review

February 11, 2021 / Adventure Films, Comedy Films, Family Films

PLOT

Giving Santa a makeover and using someone’s car to deliver Santa’s gifts are story elements I’m surprised I haven’t come across already yet…but the presumably old men** who wrote this movie didn’t quite know what to do with it, as evidenced by the excessive amount of montages.

**I’m basing this on what passed for jokes here.

CHARACTERS

Everyone in this movie seemed to be doing their absolute best and having fun, which is always important with comedies.

FX

Considering how many times they were doing it early on, I’m surprised they did the crazy camerawork so sparingly during the rest of it.

REWATCHABILITY

Despite all the dated references, it’s exactly the kind of silly fluff you’d expect at Christmastime…or Valentine’s Day time in our case.

A Deck the Halls review is born in those chocolate milk and french fry moments

February 10, 2021 / Comedy Films, Family Films

PLOT

They basically dropped the ball on every easy-to-do plot device they set up. This should have been a “neighbors competing over Christmas lights” story, resolved by winning their respective families back by using the repurposed lights to write “I’m sorry” so it could be seen from space.

But no…that would be too easy.

CHARACTERS

Who forced Matthew Broderick to be in this movie? He clearly didn’t want to be there.

FX

I don’t have much to say here, except “light doesn’t work that way”…but this is a comedy, so the laws of physics don’t apply, I guess.

REWATCHABILITY

No way. Who wants to get depressed by a “comedy” at Christmas time? Or…you know…the middle of February.

We gotta find a Deck the Halls review and go home

February 9, 2021 / Drama Films, Family Films

PLOT

This movie was about 30 minutes in before anything resembling an actual story began, and even then, it never actually committed to it.

CHARACTERS

The “antagonism” between the two adult leads was incredibly forced.

FX

This isn’t the normal type of stuff I discuss here, but whoever did the captions for this movie spelled Santa Claus with an “e” at the end every single time.

REWATCHABILITY

I shouldn’t have watched this while sleepy. It was incredibly boring.

Whoever this reprobate is, he certainly has a miserable Deck the Halls review

February 8, 2021 / Action Films, Drama Films, Mystery Films

PLOT

They spent more time on misdirection than they did on planting actual evidence for clever viewers to pick up on…and, in the end, the “mystery” was mostly solved by circumstance.

CHARACTERS

Seeing as I’ve never read any Mary Higgins Clark books, but if she inserts such a thinly-veiled, self-aggrandizing version of herself into the books, I’m not interested.

FX

Bloodless? Well-lit? No overuse of shaky cam? Everything seems okay here.

REWATCHABILITY

A little obnoxious at times, but it was nice to see that Christmas movies can be mystery thrillers…or should I say mystery thrillers can be Christmas movies?

It’s amazing how comfortable a Santa Fake review can make you feel

February 7, 2021 / Adventure Films, Family Films, Romance Films

PLOT

A fun idea, but they didn’t do much with it. There was a lot of sitting around for a story about someone on the run.

CHARACTERS

I’m sure Damian McGinty was chosen for his singing ability, but what I’m not sure of is why the main character continuously broke into song in this non-musical movie.

FX

Movies always seem to put yellow filters on scenes that take place in Mexico, so I’m wondering if the slight yellow tint to everything here was because it was set in New Mexico.

REWATCHABILITY

Even though it was kind of boring, it was a pleasant watch. I’d probably sit through it again.

This Hometown Holiday review makes the people feel less alone

February 6, 2021 / Romance Films

PLOT

They kept setting things up and almost immediately forgetting about them for long stretches…The result being a muddy, unfocused mess.

CHARACTERS

Everyone in this movie was a bland exposition-spouting machine…and most seemed like they were only pretending to be happy and were actually planning to murder the person they were talking to in their sleep.

FX

Much like the Christmas with a Prince movies, these “also based on a Harlequin novel” movies, everything was a bit too clean and polished.

REWATCHABILITY

What a sloppy excuse for what’s already a Christmas movie cliché. It’s as forgettable as its generic title.

Could you see to it that our guest gets a Journey to the Christmas Star review?

February 5, 2021 / Adventure Films, Family Films, Fantasy Films

PLOT

This was basically a Christmas-adjacent amalgamation of several famous fairy tales, such as Snow White, Rapunzel and Cinderella (or perhaps Vasilisa the Beautiful?)…You know, like a more competent version of Jack Frost (the one featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, I mean).

CHARACTERS

This was dubbed, and some of the voices were better than others…but the original actors seemed to be good fits for their roles nonetheless.

FX

Even though it’s just particle effects, and movies are overloaded with particle effects these days, the North Wind looked really great.

REWATCHABILITY

If it wasn’t for the masterpiece that is Emmett Otter’s Jug Band Christmas, I’d say this was my favorite Christmas movie I’ve seen so far.

This A Christmas in Vermont review is designed to separate you from your wallet

February 4, 2021 / Comedy Films

PLOT

They overdid the set up each element in the story, holding your hand as though you’d never seen a movie about a businesswoman who goes to a small town to shut down a business at Christmastime before.

CHARACTERS

Wow. They gave the characters depth, and the main character a conscience, from the beginning? I wasn’t expecting that at all…even if they all ate cupcakes without removing the paper first.

FX

One of these days, I’m going to figure out what’s causing Tubi to have such horrible playback…sometimes…on my PS4. I hope I’ve adequately distracted you from realizing I don’t have much to say in this section this time.

REWATCHABILITY

All things considered, I’m surprised I found one of these that was this competently made.

The Christmas Coupon review does work better when it’s frozen

February 3, 2021 / Romance Films

PLOT

The setup for this one was incredibly clunky, but hats off to them for killing two birds with one stone by combining the “workaholic, inattentive current boyfriend” element from the “former sports boyfriend returns to town” trope with the “evil land developer” element from the “local cherished landmark is about to be torn down” trope, I guess.

CHARACTERS

They couldn’t hire other actors to play the “high school” versions of the (insufferable) main characters?

The extras in this movie were mesmerizing though…the way they just wandered around scenes with no regard for whether or not they blocked shots. It added an unusual amount of realism to this otherwise ridiculous movie.

FX

Lots of echo and room noise on most of the larger of the indoor scenes.

REWATCHABILITY

I’ve had this one in my list for a while, because the poster and title made it seem like it would be the most ridiculous of ridiculous Christmas movies.

I was right…but not in a good way. If “dumb fun” is a requirement for your Christmas movies, look elsewhere.