The etiquette of preparing for anal sex: Being the receptive partner
I have been asked a few times about this, and I have avoided talking about it, not because I’m squeamish, but because I wanted to treat it with some delicacy (much as I would want my insertive partner to treat my delicate little hoo-haw with some delicacy as well). I am writing this for a few practical reasons:
- I want clients new to the experience of being the receptive partner to arrive at our rendez-vous properly and thoroughly prepared
- I may offer something that is safer or more comfortable than what others may already be doing
- I may be doing something improperly, and I want readers to offer a better method, if necessary
Before I begin, I would also point readers to the following article:
http://manhuntdaily.com/2009/05/dr-queerlove-bottoming-101/
Although I feel that article (and the accompanying discussion) says basically everything that can be said, the particular questions I receive have to do with prepping for the long haul on set while filming a video. Everything in that Manhunt article sounds good to me, but in a nut-shell, this is what I do when I know I am going to be the receptive partner over the course of a long period of time (as quoted from my recent response on the post about “Fresh off the Vine”):
“… I begin fasting the night before. If a scene is set for noon on Saturday, then I finish eating whatever I am having by 10 pm on Friday, and it is probably something very lean, clean, and manageable (i.e. I had sushimi [sushi without rice] every meal while shooting for Falcon 2 weeks ago). I prep in the morning from about 10 am – 11:15 am (which includes time for a shower and skin care), arrive on set around 11:45 am, and I don’t eat until the scene is finished. I don’t know whether or not everyone is equally fastidious (or if they even have to be – I know my body, not anyone else’s). Each person has a different metabolism. But that is what I do (and although it may sound morbid, my years of being anorexic have taught me how to get through the hunger pangs).”
To clarify a few points:
- There are some days it’s just not going to happen, and you will experience the law of diminishing returns. Repeatedly flushing the bowel, on some days, will not yield much clearer water but will aggravate the bowel more and more with each attempt. You have to decide if the clarity of the water is “good enough,” or if you are simply going to forgo penetration that day. If you start cramping, regardless of the clarity of the water coming out of you, you have done far too much and need to stop and reconsider if today is the day for intercourse.
- It is a VERY BAD idea to use full dosages of enemas over the long haul, and NEVER more than once in a 24-hour period. If you want/need to use a premixed enema, I suggest the Fleet pre-mixed, disposable enema in a 4.5-ounce bottle. It contains Sodium Phosphate. HOWEVER: It is best to not over-do the prep work, or you will be at greater risk for injury or infection from inflaming the bowel and disrupting the flora of the intestines. If you use an enema, use 1/3 of the bottle that I just described (or you could pour all the enema mix out, and refill the bottle with luke warm tap water – the residue from the enema will still work, but will be much less aggressive).
- You want to do as much as possible in as few steps and in as little time as possible, so as to avoid inflammation.
- If you decide to use a water stream, rather than an anal bowl douche, DO NOT PUT THE HOSE FROM THE SHOWER INSIDE YOURSELF. Even with the water on low it will be propelled through the plumbing of your bathroom into your body at a pressure that can rupture your insides. If you want a continuous stream experience, be certain to use a product that collects water in a reservoir of some type and then trickles the water through a hose and inside your bowel. DO NOT USE DIRECT JET STREAMS OF WATER.
June 14, 2010
Hey Devon:
Question (and forgive me if you mentioned this and I missed it). Would you say that the above prep is more the result of the standards required in your professional life? Or, would you prep in as detailed a manner regardless of whether it was for personal or professional reasons? I ask because (though I haven’t had much anal sex at all) it’s an area of sex that I would enjoy occassionally were I in a relationship. However, the degree of preparation involved often turns me off to the idea. I suppose if you know your going to have sex, then you’d have the time to prepare. But that’s rarely been the case for me, as it’s usually happened rather spontaneously.
Just curious.
Thanks!
June 14, 2010
The above prep involving the prolonged fasting is for when I will be shooting a video all day. Otherwise I go for what is described in the ManHunt article. But, yes – it does presuppose that you know up front you will be having sex. The best I can suggest for spontaneous butt sex (the best surprise you never knew you needed), is to eat a healthy diet with a good amount of fiber and plenty of water. Then, at least, you should (conceivably) be able to excuse yourself for a quick minute and handle yo’ bidnizz.
June 15, 2010
Ha! Awesome. This is helpful. Thanks! Seems like the answers should be obvious but they’re not always (particularly without knowing too many gay dudes). Thanks again.
June 15, 2010
Thanks for the insight. One thing I do is after cleaning out, I use some Prep H and it soothes the skin. However do not use Prep H if you are using condoms as the oils in the Prep H could/will breakdown the latex condom. I use the shower shot and pretty much follow the above routine. It does become tedious at times but is worth it in the end. One thing I have discovered is if you don’t clean out then the “residue” can be abrasive and this in turn can cause some irritation.
June 17, 2010
Thank you! This is very helpful, as is the manhuntdaily link you provided. Even though it is a “delicate” subject, it’s something that any guy who wants to participate in anal sex needs to understand. I was totally unaware of the “flora” that normally inhabits my large intestine, but I can appreciate the need to protect that. A friend who is an exclusive bottom told me that he does not use the Fleet liquid because he feels it leaves you feeling as though you have to go to the bathroom all during sex. I have not had that same experience, but I recently have started using the just-emptied Fleet bottle and refilling it with tap water, as you suggest, for a second round, and I am finding that to be helpful in really getting ready for the adventure, at least for feeling more confident that there will be less chance for an “accident” to occur!
Regarding timing, usually I quit eating at least 3 hours before, and prep about 1.5 hour before meeting a guy; however, I recently met-up one evening with a guy right after I attended a concert. He was totally cool with my prepping in his bathroom (both with cleaning out and with taking a quick shower) before we got started, and I would say the total time I needed was only about 10 to 12 minutes. Sure made the sex a lot more comfortable and fun!
After some really painful–and thus totally unenjoyable–early experiences as a bottom, I now know that the most important things about enjoying “receptive” anal sex is for there to be plenty of lube involved, and MOST importantly, that the top go VERY slowly in going in. I mean really, really slow. Makes all the difference in the world.
June 27, 2010
That manhunt daily article was great, but I’m confused as to why the author discourages silicon-based lubes for anal sex. Silicon lubes are totally condom-friendly. They’re not oil-based, and don’t have the degrading effect on latex that oil does. For myself, I’ve found that most water-based lubes cause a slight burning feeling when I’m getting fucked, and I don’t get that with silicon lubes.
(I actually did a controlled experiment to learn this. When I noticed that burning feeling, I wasn’t certain what was causing it — I feared it might be the condoms we were using or maybe the lube. So I worked with a very helpful partner to test out all the possibilities. We tried 4 different condoms and 4 different lubes, and he fucked me with every combination and wrote down my responses. And I was blindfolded, so I had no way to know what he was using when. After we went through 16 condoms, the results were clear — water-based lubes irritated me, and silicon didn’t. Better living through science, kids!)
(The one thing to know about silicon lubes is that apparently they will degrade silicon toys. So for those toys, use some other lube.)
June 27, 2010
Now that you mention it I am little confused. I thought I understood that silicon based is for condoms/anal sex, because silicon doesn’t disturb intesinal flora levels (and thus doesn’t increase risk for opportunistic infections), whereas water based is for hand/vaginal sex because it doesn’t increase the risk for some other type of friction related problem. I am all turned around. Does anyone know, and can anyone provide links for this info??
July 10, 2012
Thank you for writing this article. I have never done anal before and I am terrified. My boyfriend asked for it as a birthday gift and I figured hey why not? But I’m feeling apprehensive just cuz I’m scared of the mess it might make..I had no clue there were things like this so yes thank you much.
July 10, 2012
One more thing…yer hot!
December 7, 2012
sorry to butt in, I’m a woman who loves anal, not a man. Hope you don’t mind. And T, when you wrote “It does become tedious at times but is worth it in the end” did you mean the double entendre?
The answer from above is silicon. I have a bottle with me specifically for anal sex, and it rocks.
Now for a question, if anyone is still reading this. I have a problem after anal douching. Sometimes after I douche, about 30 mins to an hour later I can have an uncontrolled bowel movement. The other problem I have is that not everything is cleaned out, and still a lil mess comes out during intercourse. HELP!
December 7, 2012
Melissa, it sounds to me like you are overprepping and aggravating your bowel. The uncontrollable bowel movement you mentioned is from getting water far up into your bowel where it gets temporarily trapped. Over the course of 30 minutes the water thins the contents of your upper bowel and essentially creates diarrhea. Try to make sure you are cleaning only your lower bowel. Also, keeping a foot stool in your bathroom can help. When you are having a bowel movement (whether while prepping for sex or not), putting your feet on a stool that is tall enough to raise your knees over your hips straightens your bowel and makes everything progress with far less straining. Remember, if you go too far in your prep work it will all get undone, as you bring forth the contents of your upper bowel and exhaust your lower bowel and sphincter. Less can be more.
January 7, 2013
I’ve had the same problem as you Melissa. Perhaps I’m over-prepping too. Has led to one of two embarrassing situations I’ll admit hahha!
How can you be sure that you’re not going too far with your enema and disturbing your upper bowel?
January 10, 2013
Essentially, once the water comes out clear you should stop. If you feel after prepping that you are on the verge of another bowel movement, you have done too much. This is when you should just stop. Everything after this is going to lead to cramping, pain, and discomfort. You have probably upset the balance of your intestinal flora by this point, and may have some irritation for a day or two afterward. Consume something with live cultures (e.g. Greek yogurt, pro-biotic supplements, cultured tea, or keifer) and leave your booty alone for a couple days.
To avoid this in the first place, be sure to eat a healthy diet and drink adequate water. Allow yourself a natural bowel movement first, if needed. Try to make sure that you aren’t tipping your pelvis such that the enema solution and/or water flows up into your upper bowel (e.g. if you insert the enema on your back with your feet elevated for too long, gravity will pull the enema far deeper up into your bowels than you need for regular anal sex – prepping for fisting is a whole other matter, and I’m not familiar with it).
March 8, 2013
I’m a Pure Romance consultant and we highly recommend using a silicone lubricant for anal sex. Water-based lubricants absorb into the skin thus not creating the slippery barrier that’s comfortable for most people. Sometimes it just takes some trial and error to see which one feels best for you!
June 5, 2013
This is what works for me after two decades of experimentation. Inject approx 16oz/500ml of plain water or water with 1tsp baking soda into rectum, using an enema bag or funnel! hold inside and do a little hula dance to swish contents for as long as you can stand it. evacuate. repeat one more time, ONLY ONE MORE TIME no matter what. wait about half an hour, go to bathroom again just in case a trickle of water remains. shower or clean up with washcloth and you are ready for hardcore pounding, ass to mouth, whatever you like.
June 6, 2013
That actually sounds really efficient and easy… But, as we can see, everyone’s system is different, so the key to this is experimentation (as you said).
December 25, 2013
So tonight I did this whole process for the first time ever and it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Sadly I’m not having sex just wanted to practice it so it wouldn’t be the first time when I do get penetrated for the first time. My only questions is how do u know when all the water is out? I waited the 30 min and I didn’t have the urge to go soo yeah. I feel really odd asking this question but I thought it was appropriate after reading all the helpful comments and things several times
December 29, 2013
While you are sitting on the commode, if you bend forward at the waist so that your knees are touching your shoulders, this will straighten your bowel and any residual water will usually spill out. But you need to wait a few minutes after your last bowel flush to let any remaining water make its way back down.
July 9, 2014
Devon, hi, str8 married lady here, still enjoying a robust love life at 50+ yrs old WOOHOO! Boy, am I ever late to the ball! ;p Great blog you have here! Okay, so, another poster (Langweenis) contributed a really comprehensive ‘procedure’ and suggested using just 16 ounces (2 cups, for enema) and I was wondering if you concur with this quantity. Or should more water be used? Two cups just doesn’t seem adequate but I defer to your response/wisdom. And do you also concur with Lang’s entire procedure from start to finish? It was presented in such a clear and concise manner and I really appreciated that! Of course everyone will modify the steps to better suit their needs but it’s just really reassuring to have such great info and support from, not only others but, yourself. Keep up the good work!
July 9, 2014
I have never done what Langweenis described, so I can’t attest to its effectiveness. I think that part of what is important is to take the various pieces of information you find, put it together in ways that work for your GI tract/bowels, and pay close attention to your body. I, personally, still prefer simple warm water flushes alone. Good luck, and congrats on keeping the party going after 50!! xoxo
August 13, 2015
Thank you so much for this very informative publication. No one teaches porn stars how to prep for anal scenes,or, how to avoid mistakes during preparation. Thank you,so much,for taking the time to share your expertise!
July 27, 2016
Hands down, on, or in…THE best catalyst is pure coconut oil.
Do yourself a favor. You’ll never go back.
Don’t get it in its oil form though (believe it or not). Go for jars of coconut in its more solid form (we lovingly refer to as coconut lard, lol).
It’s still pure, melts instantly from the heat of your hands and the fragrance delicate. And a little goes long way too!
P
PS It washes out no problem.
July 27, 2016
And a note for monogamous couples: Coconut “lard,” as Penelope calls it, is also a very good lubricant for condomless anal sex. Put the glass jar in a bath of hot water, and it will liquify. Dab as needed – not too much at a time. It will add a very, very subtle hint of coconut to your pheromones, it deeply moisturizes your and your partner’s pink parts, and it’s organic/all natural. It won’t stain your sheets.
Edit: I think Penelope and I just made the exact same points. Penelope, I was speaking of it as a lube. Were you speaking of it as an enema, or were you also talking about it as a lube?
September 16, 2016
Enemas are unpredictable, unhealthy, and unnecessary. If you give yourself an enema, dirty water will leak out later during sex. Water gets trapped inside the folds of your colon and can take hours or even days to come out. And yes, the water will be dirty no matter how many times you flush. Instead of enemas, do the following:
1. Rinse your rectum with an enema bag or shower shot on low pressure. Do not allow water to back up deeper than your rectum, otherwise it will get trapped up there. The rectal flush will trigger a bowel movement. Rinse again after.
2. If your stool is loose, give up now. No sex tonight. Eat a diet that makes your stools firm. Firm stools are easier to evacuate using this method than are loose ones. Best time to dry flush is between normal bowel movements because that’s when lower colon stools are firmest.
3. Sit on and walk around with a butt plug inside you for up to 30 minutes. The pressure of the butt plug will simulate getting fucked and will trigger additional BMs.
4. After the second BM, repeat the process until no more BM.
5. Wait an hour or two and repeat. This is for insurance purposes. If the butt plug does not stimulate any BM after step 5, then you are good to go.
6. Always stretch open your hole and massage your rectum with your fingers or a dildo a few minutes before sex to allow any trace amounts of water to purge. Wipe with a clean wash cloth.
Tip: always shower your hole after normal bowel movements. Shit absorbs into the skin, and the smell can take up to three daily showers to get rid of. Use a deodorant soap (eg, 24hr Irish Spring) the last time you shower just before sex to maintain a clean scent for hours. Remember, your ass sweats just like other body parts. Also, dietary laxatives make your stool lose, so bad idea. If you are constipated, try Dulcelax rectal suppository sticks instead. Do not use Fleet laxative enemas bottles. After sex, apply Preparation H ointment to help heal micro anal fissures.
December 24, 2016
When I know I am going to bottom, I don’t eat ANY solid food beginning 30 hours before the blessed event ! This assures a very clean experience ! It is the only guarantee. Right before the event I eat something light with no fat. It takes my digestive tract 18 to 30 hours to complete the digestive process. Figure out your body ! To do this, eat some canned beets. They retain their color when pass through you. Watch and see how long it takes then to go through you. Use this as a benchmark . I hate it when an anal adventure goes nasty.
December 24, 2016
That’s an interesting idea… I had to figure out myself in different ways, but this makes sense. Color coding, as it were. LOL
November 19, 2019
Hey Devon,
Sorry if you touched on this a million times already but say my sex encounter is set for 11am on Sunday. When should I stop eating on Saturday?
Eating lean thing I got. It’s just the timing I am worried about.
Another thing is while bottoming I get the sensation I need to poop, I hold back the feeling and end up not enjoying the moment because I’m fighting those urges…
And yet another thing, is I am apparently so tight my bf has trouble getting inside, I am relaxed down there. Any ideas on what I can do to be more open to him?
Sorry for bombarding you with these questions, I just don’t know who else to ask haha
– F
December 5, 2019
Sorry for the late reply – I almost never check my blog anymore. I stop eating 3 hours before, and I start preparing 90 minutes before. Hopefully that leaves time to take a relaxing shower and get in the mood. But more importantly: Be mindful of what you eat for the 24 hours prior. Avoid nuts, seeds, and sometimes rice. Those make everything more complicated.
As for the need to poop: That implies you might not have evacuated your bowel of water. When I think I’m done, I use my finger to press gently upward past my prostate to see if any is trapped at that bend in the bowel.
As for further opening, I would suggest starting with an extended, relaxed rim job followed by well lubed fingers. Do it yourself while you’re giving him a blowjob. Start with your shortest, smallest finger. For most that will either be thumb or pinky. Also, my experience is that I can open my ass if he is opening my mouth and throat with his tongue. If I can relax one end, I can relax the other. But that is why kissing can be so important.
I hope this belated reply can help for your future experiences!