Dear Andrew Cuomo, I Want to Be Your First Lady

It’s been almost year since the Mueller report came out and since Robert Mueller was a regular fixture in my life. As with any breakup, I have taken this time to lick my wounds, prepare myself to love again, and try to manage my expectations with any future lovers—precisely what gets me into trouble time and again.

Bob Mueller filled the void of dignity and valor that Donald Trump created when he became our president. Mueller was a Marine, a career federal prosecutor, and the former director of the FBI. He was a North Star of integrity, and he became my North Star. Mueller was supposed to take down Trump and restore order to our country and faith in our institutions. I developed strong feelings for Mueller during his investigations into Russian interference—while also developing a strong sexual desire for his body to be on top of mine.

With every indictment, I fell harder. But in the end, due to no fault of his own, he ghosted me. He was a mirage in a desert of despair.

Here we are, one year later, living in a dystopian world out of the pages of science fiction, where streets in the busiest cities around the world are empty. We put on masks and gloves, risking our lives to buy supplies. The terrifying statistics of the sick and dying remind us that we are fighting an enemy we cannot see or hear and that our only defense is to stay home. We are living at the absolute worst time to have a president as dangerously incompetent as Donald Trump.

Between watching episodes of Tiger King and episodes of Trump’s daily press “briefings” and trying to find more marijuana to ingest, I quicken to something that cuts through the insanity. Out of the darkness, you, Andrew Cuomo, walk into my life, looking remarkably like the Incredible Hulk.

Governor Cuomo, do you know how dehydrated we’ve been? Do you know how thirsty we are to have a real leader, someone who can speak about policy, who can humanize statistics, who can string together a complex sentence that doesn’t contain a single lie—or just string together a complex sentence? Armed with facts, you are giving us the courage to face our fears.

Your daily briefings have come at a time when I was beginning to wonder where the good men were and to feel despair that this was just the way the world was now. I’ve never believed all men suck, but all signals kept pointing in the same direction. In 2019 I read an article about a man who masturbated into a plant. I had to put the article down, look up at the sky, and wonder, When did that become a thing? In what era did the first man pull out his penis and jerk off to an indoor plant?

Thank you, Andrew Cuomo. Thank you for reminding us that there are men who can lead and be clear and tell the truth—even when the news is bad. Who practice benevolent ruthlessness. (Thanks, Maureen Dowd.) Who speak to Americans with respect. Thank you for being a leader at a time when so many of us were desperately looking for one. Thank you for your different outfits, your tight white polo shirts, your forceful language, and your clear, easy-to-read graphics that are probably meant as a learning manual for Donald Trump. I love your bar graphs and pie charts, Governor. They’ve helped me to understand what this disease is doing and how important it is to self-quarantine. Thanks for reminding us, at a time when old white men are neither cool nor popular, that good men exist and that real politicians do their job by leading. Thank you for talking about the unexpected benefit of spending time with your daughters and for using words like compassion and courage. Thank you for reminding us that the best politicians are, in their hearts, civil servants. Thank you for talking about the value of human life and for reminding us that no one’s mother is expendable. I love you, Andrew Cuomo. Your daughters are lucky to have a dad like you. Thank you for showing us the heart of a New Yorker. But, most of all, thank you for your competence.

I could get used to waking up to Andrew Cuomo on a more regular basis. As a Californian, I have not yet had the privilege of voting for Cuomo, but I hope to be able to do so one day soon. Just yesterday, he denied any interest or desire to put his hat into the ring of the 2020 presidential race, saying that this isn’t a time to be discussing politics. Just one more reason I am ready and willing to throw my support behind him if he does change his mind. I’ll happily vote for Joe Biden, but I would much more happily vote for Governor Cuomo.

P.S. One other thing: Andrew, once we have this pandemic under control, you owe it to the people of New York to legalize marijuana.