The credibility of the church will rise and fall on
how it treats the weak and wounded.
Ever since I started researching the issue of domestic violence within the professing-Christian home, I've run across statements that make me cringe. I have a folder of ever-increasing bookmarks in my browser with links to reviews, quotes from books, and documented statements from conservative Evangelical leaders and authors. My sample contains items from both men and women, but they have one thing in common - dangerous advice to women in abusive marriages.
Much of this advice reads like a tear-jerker, made-for-TV movie. The wife is abused, but she never gives up. She prays and prays, and then God works a miracle. Her husband is a changed man, and they live happily ever after. Cue the music and roll the credits. Thus the message is, "Do [insert expert's advice], and your marriage will be saved! Just pray harder! Just have more faith!" There are no ugly statistics to sully the rosy picture that is painted. Rather the suffering is over-romanticized and thus minimized by those who have no firsthand experience. If there are no bruises, other forms of abuse such as verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse aren't considered "real". Also, notice how the burden is being placed solely on the victim?
But there are real people who are going to read these books and listen to these talks. Real women who are desperately looking for help from someone they trust, only to be told they are collateral damage for the greater good. You may think, "Wow! That's a little harsh." But isn't that what these women are being told? Her safety does not matter. Her sanity does not matter. Her welfare as a human being is secondary to the ideal (or should I say idol?) of the Good American Christian Marriage™. "So go back and submit. Make sure you reverence and elevate the person whose only thought is to control you through whatever means are in his power. It's really up to you to save your husband, and if you fail, it's your own fault because you didn't try hard enough or submit enough. (But we won't come out and directly say that.) Go back to whatever awaits you. Go in peace, be warmed and filled. And if you die trying, you'll get to see Jesus."
But there are real people who are going to read these books and listen to these talks. Real women who are desperately looking for help from someone they trust, only to be told they are collateral damage for the greater good. You may think, "Wow! That's a little harsh." But isn't that what these women are being told? Her safety does not matter. Her sanity does not matter. Her welfare as a human being is secondary to the ideal (or should I say idol?) of the Good American Christian Marriage™. "So go back and submit. Make sure you reverence and elevate the person whose only thought is to control you through whatever means are in his power. It's really up to you to save your husband, and if you fail, it's your own fault because you didn't try hard enough or submit enough. (But we won't come out and directly say that.) Go back to whatever awaits you. Go in peace, be warmed and filled. And if you die trying, you'll get to see Jesus."
Maybe I'm over-reacting, but this lack of basic Christian love and compassion is a huge credibility problem. There are plenty of calls to save the family! Save the marriage! But at what cost? From the horrendous advice I've read, it seems obvious that one of the parties in the marriage is dispensable. No doubt, this advice reveals obvious ignorance about abuse, but how do you explain away the blatant disregard for the well-being of person made in the image of God? What does it say about a person's character when the weak and wounded are treated this way? What is worth saving if it requires throwing our sisters in Christ under the bus? This seems to me like nothing less than a violation of the 2nd greatest commandment.
God have mercy and open our eyes because the world is watching, and it isn't fooled one bit.
God have mercy and open our eyes because the world is watching, and it isn't fooled one bit.
Additional notes:
1. I have chosen to not name names or provide links (at this point) because the primary issue is the overall mindset, not specific people. However, I am not making this up. If only that were the case.
2. I recommend Pastor David Dyskstra's talks on divorce and remarriage in which he critiques the permanence view of marriage, which, in my opinion, traps women in abusive situations. Mere physical distance does not end abuse.
3. There is disagreement among Hebrew scholars regarding Malachi 2:16. Some translate it as hatred on the part of the man who is treacherously divorcing his wife. This includes the ESV, NIV2011, and Holman Christian.
1. I have chosen to not name names or provide links (at this point) because the primary issue is the overall mindset, not specific people. However, I am not making this up. If only that were the case.
2. I recommend Pastor David Dyskstra's talks on divorce and remarriage in which he critiques the permanence view of marriage, which, in my opinion, traps women in abusive situations. Mere physical distance does not end abuse.
3. There is disagreement among Hebrew scholars regarding Malachi 2:16. Some translate it as hatred on the part of the man who is treacherously divorcing his wife. This includes the ESV, NIV2011, and Holman Christian.
Addendum:
I've shared this on my Annotated Bibliography on the Church Controversy with Domestic Abuse. See my bibliography here:
ReplyDeletehttps://cryingoutforjustice.com/2017/08/17/church-controversy-with-domestic-abuse-an-annotated-bibliography/
Thanks, Barbara.
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