Name: Shinzo Abe.
Age: 61.
Appearance: Italian plumber.
That’s not what he looks like, is it? It’s not a full-time thing. It’s a sometimes thing.
When? At the Olympics.
What sort of person who isn’t a full-time plumber dresses up like just one for the Olympics? The prime minister of Japan, that’s who.
Do his family know? They do now: as part the Olympic closing ceremony in Rio, Abe made an appearance dressed as the popular video-game character Super Mario, holding a big red ball in his hands.
Let’s forget about the why for a minute. How did he look? Supremely ill at ease.
I meant how much did he look like Super Mario? Hard to say. His costume fell away almost the instant he appeared, leaving him standing in a sober suit.
OK, I think I’m ready for the why now. As Japan is hosting the games next time round, the country was given a brief segment to showcase its plans, right after the Olympic flag was passed to the governor of Tokyo.
Uh-huh. The flashy pre-recorded segment, featuring other Japanese exports including Pac-Man and Hello Kitty, ended with Abe turning into Super Mario, diving into a pipe and drilling his way through the earth to reach the Maracanã stadium, where he made his live entrance.
At the risk of generalising, Japan is weird. It’s no weirder than the Queen parachuting into London’s opening ceremony in 2012.
Except, according to my sources, she didn’t really do that. I’m fairly certain Abe didn’t drill through the planet either.
I’d have to review the footage. Anyway, I’m intrigued. Tell me a bit more about him. Born into a politically prominent family, Abe was first elected PM in 2006, and now heads up a coalition with a huge majority.
Sorry, I was asking about Super Mario. Before gaining the honorific Super, plain old Mario debuted in the arcade game Donkey Kong in 1981. Originally a carpenter, he retrained as a plumber to work with his brother Luigi. He used to take a lot of mushrooms.
Do say: “I can’t wait for Tokyo 2020, the SuperMarioLympics!”
Don’t say: “Thank God you’re here. The toilet block has flooded again.”