WFMU's Beware of the Blog

Adventures In Amplitude Modulation - Part 1

This is the first post in a series inspired by my personal radio listening habits. However, you can relax. I won’t be offering up a “connoisseur’s” list of my favorite radio stations or bragging about my personal taste in music. At least, not exactly. Often I listen to radio as an explorer of sorts. and occasionally I record some of these aural ventures. In this post (and others that may follow) I’ll offer a taste of where I go and what I hear on these radio hikes, such as they are.

Other than the Internet and my occasional purchases of the New York Times, my main source of information & entertainment comes from radio. However, what makes my media intake more esoteric than most is that I exclusively listen to AM radio and shortwave broadcasts. I don’t watch television and almost never listen to the FM band. Generally, the TV content I do take in, I now gather from the Internet. And to be honest, I occasionally do hear WFMU in the car, but at home I pick up WFMU on the computer. With 128K MP3 stereo streaming, it’s far better than the reception I muster with my radios here in north Brooklyn.

I suppose if I didn’t have all these albums, CD’s and cassettes laying around I might listen to FM more often, or even subscribe to (god forbid) satellite radio. For now, when I want music I listen to my own. When I turn on a radio I want something else. I want novelty, mystery, and most importantly something human. Every commercial music station on FM feels like it’s programmed by a committee of consultants. And even NPR sounds safe and tested these days. On AM and shortwave you're more likely to hear ad libs, idiosyncrasies, mistakes and raw conspiracy & rumor that isn’t always processed for pure potential profit. Oh sure, there ARE agendas and ulterior motives everywhere, probably just like where you work. Bottom line, most of U.S. FM radio is all about mindless listening and shameless profiteering, (Oh, and there's usually a few interesting non-profit stations at the end of the dial.) But AM and shortwave is about power, language, and cultural & ethnic identity. The “word,” whatever that’s worth these days still holds power on the traditional static-ridden bands that carry signals far distances. I like that.

Sony's Deteriorating DRM Mess: One Month Later

It's been one month since details of Sony's invasive Digital Rights Management rootkit malware came to light.  (See my earlier articles: Nov. 1, Nov. 3, and Nov. 7.)

About 9,777 blogs now mention "Sony rootkit", while a web search for Sony rootkit malware yields 13 million results.  Here's a messy update on this mess:

Sony hired First 4 Internet (one of whose corporate directors spent 12 years as a Sony director) to build the intrusive digital restrictions management software "XCP", which has been quietly installing itself on about half a million computers over the past year, including military and government sites.  Many more Sony CD's install spyware DRM called "MediaMax", made by another Sony-related company, SunnComm.

Some of the bad things the XCP and MediaMax DRM malware do:

• Modifies your OS to hide and embed itself (and helps other malware hide itself).  It masquerades as a real Windows service, to make it harder to notice that something bad is running.
• Interferes with your computer's ability to read the audio on that CD, not letting you use your own audio player.
• Silently interferes with any CD-ripping software you might use, even with non-Sony CD's, adding random noise to your copies.
• Secretly "phones home" to send information about you and your listening habits back to Sony (although Sony originally denied this).
• Runs all the time and slows your computer down.
• Can crash your computer, while being difficult to diagnose and repair due to its self-hiding methods.
• Using advanced tools to try to uninstall the software can render your computer's CD drives completely useless.

Some bad things Sony (and friends) appear to have done:

• Snuck the XCP software onto people's computers, providing nothing but a legal jargon license that never actually explained what the software would do, while claiming it could be uninstalled without providing an uninstall mechanism.
• The MediaMax software may install even if the user clicks "Decline."

Radio News You Can't Use

Decency Drool on the Hill
A recent Senate forum on indecency and broadcasting unearthed a wealth of old ideas and opinions from the usual suspects: FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, outraged christians from the PTC, uptight Senator Ted Stevens, and a few TV networks. As predicted, Martin wants to drag cable and satellite TV into the FCC's domain (they already have a bit, as a recent ruling by the commission requires cable and satellite programmers to comply with the nation's Emergency Alert System, EAS), forcing them to offer a-la-carte programming in the name of protecting families (bad news if you're anything like this guy). The pressure is now on for the FCC to levy indecency fines to TV stations with pending complaints before the end of 2005. Indecency fines for radio stations under investigation for infringements, meanwhile, aren't expected to surface until next year.

CPB Shake-Up
Kenneth Tomlinson, the republican former Chairman of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB), resigned from the board this November, in light of an investigation that found him responsible for misappropriating CPB funds, violating the organization's ethics code, and breaking federal laws. Earlier this year, Tomlinson secretly hired a "consultant" to uncover evidence of liberal bias in PBS programs, leading to the ousting of veteran host Bill Moyers and the creation of a right-bent news program (more on the debacle here). The republican plan to force a partisan agenda in the venue of public broadcasting has been put at bay, at least for now.

Warner Music Group Fesses Up to Payola Accusations
Another Eliot Spitzer-led payola investigation ends with a multi-million dollar settlement...

Meanwhile, Up North
A malicious radio signal disrupted the band at 390 MHz in Ottowa, Canada earlier this month, disabling remote control garage door openers in a 25-mile radius. Some residents are blaming the U.S. military's new Land Mobile Radio System for the interference, but we suspect that the extraterrestrials have now found our most vulnerable weakness and could launch into a full-fledged attack at any moment.

Energy Drink Disguised as Poison... wait, Poison Disguised as Energy Drink
In Missouri, the gatorade/antifreeze myth finally comes to fruition: a wily radio host was charged with slowly poisoning his wife to death by adding antifreeze to her gatorade.

Cleaning Out My Inbox, Covered Face Edition

Did you know that it's a bad idea to give powerful hallucinogens to soldiers? Who woulda thunk it?  But here's a British newsreel film that proves it (downloadable mpg video). via undercurrents from a UK newsreel about British Army drug experiments.

How not to display rare records (downloadable wmv video). Maybe he can replace that cylinder here. Thanks, Listener Tom via Nata2

Touchradio has created the longest language removal exercise yet, of our own Vicki Bennet, from her program Do or D.I.Y. You can download all of Vicki's tongue flaps, uhms and ah's here.

Another creepy classic from Mr. and Mrs. Wheatley: Horrorclown (streaming Quicktime video, nsfw)

Feeling too productive at work? The bouncing girl will change all that.

A truly creepy tale of serial rape by telephone, reminiscent of the famous Milgram obediance experiment. Thanks? Listener Mike

The great Bush-Blair swear-off and Anti-drug Russian waxworks, via b3ta

Six Degrees of Smoking.

Heidi Barack's musical portraits.

incriminating photos via Happy Palace and the LA Public Library:

A Diagram of the Home

(hommage mineur à Bil Keane)

A Thanksgiving Prayer from William S. Burroughs

Straight from Blame-America-First World Headquarters to your hard drive, here's a Thanksgiving Day prayer from William S. Burroughs, from a video directed by Gus Van Sant (mpg video for download). In this 1986 poem, Burroughs salutes our nation of finks "where nobody is allowed to mind his own business." And he throws in a few bad words for the KKK, Prohibition and "Kill a Queer for Christ" bumper stickers for good measure.

Back & To The Left

You all know what happened 42 years ago today in Dallas...

Air America's Next Big Mistake (part 2)

(Read pt. 1 of this post here)

     "Has anyone ever heard of Rachel Maddow?"
                                               - Rush Limbaugh

Yeah Rush, we sure have. And by now, so have of you.

That little quote has been an oft-played sound bite at the beginning of The The Rachel Maddow show since it debuted on Air America last April. And the fact "El Rushbo" hadn't discovered Ms. Maddow last spring can probably be based on two things-- For one, Limbaugh most likely knew nothing about Air America, beyond that fact that TV stars Al Franken and Janine Garofalo were a part of it. And the other reason Maddow was probably off the Limbaugh radar back then was his comment came at the dawn of Maddow's new sub-career as a liberal TV pundit. And it isn't hard to imagine that most of Limbaugh's media intake (beyond the likely emailed orders from Rove staffers and the heralded "stack of stuff" his staff prepares) would come only from television.

For most people, Maddow's program airs when they're unconscious. On the radio from five to six in the morning from the Air America studios in New York, The Rachel Maddow Show is a hot coffee jolt of headlines, breaking stories, and some news almost no one else is talking about. And twice each program, you get 2 off the wall satirical newscasts from Kent Jones. The hour goes by fast, and by the end you feel a little smarter. She's like that.

Rachel Maddow is a unique and powerful new media entity, and a young honest voice in the age of Bush II who offers challenging facts instead of raw malice against all the madness the administration propagates.  Maddow is a Rhodes Scholar and a proud "out" lesbian who comes across on the radio as warm, sincere and a little fierce. Her approach to radio has a paced athletic quality that makes her a bit of a current events trainer on the radio. I imagine it's the perfect show to accompany a gym regimen. Maddow never goes over the top, but the pace is rapid, and to the point with context. She maintains good humor and spirit in the face of bad news and strange times. Combined with the sharp humor of Kent Jones, her program is an informative and practical way to deal with the onslaught of nauseating news, and to keep up with the bad guys.

Abernathy leaves the FCC

Commissioner Abernathy announced that she will be leaving the FCC (PDF) on Dec. 9, 2005. This represents yet another shift in the balance of power and opinion at the commission: earlier this month, the president renominated indecency hound Michael Copps (democrat) for another term, and filled the open republican seat (which was left when Kevin Martin moved up to replace Michael Powell as Chairman) with Deborah Tate, who has yet to demonstrate her positions on key issues.

Commissioners Abernathy and Adelstein (the commission's other democrat) have been keeping the indecency issue in check, favoring less regulation and fewer fines, while Martin and Copps have both expressed their lust to unleash hell-fire and damnation upon broadcasters who fail to bleep a curse word or cover a cartoon buttocks. Depending on who Bush Jr nominates for Abernathy's seat, we might see indecency return to the front pages soon.

Earlier this week, the Wall Street Journal printed an article (click here to read it) about why the indecency issue disappeared and who was responsible for the outcry in the first place. Jeff Jarvis of BuzzMachine has written a great article about Howard Stern, the FCC, and free speech (it appears in the Guardian), and also presents an expose debunking the "public outcry" over indecency.

Tony Blair versus The Sex Pistols

It's sort of refreshing to see an old King Crimson fan cast as The Antichrist. The gyrating Maggie Thatchers don't hurt either. Somehow I don't this is going to be as big as JibJab. Flash animation page. via Mr. and Mrs. Wheatley, Ltd.

War Plan - Available for Only $15,000,000

Attention all government and military professionals:  Are you stumped by what to do about this pesky Iraq situation?  Do you really want to get this Mission Accomplished?  Uncertain about what to do in any future military endeavors?  The solution is here in this war plan auction on Ebay, available for the low low price of $15,000,000!   The auction ended November 5th, but since the reserve wasn't met, you could probably still snap it up by contacting the seller directly.

As described:  "This is a war plan (tactic) to aid the U.S.A. in protecting it`s (sic) vital interests... it will be shared only on a need to know basis, the winning bidder probably will NOT get to know the strategy... Chances are first come, first served, you better buy it before it`s gone. This offer void where prohibited by law.  Sold as-is, where-is, no warranty expressed or implied, since this offer involves the sale of information that cannott (sic) be disclosed, or inspected before purchase, buyer accepts full responsibility if you are NOT satisfied, NO refunds... if I slip, and disclose the strategy by mistake, it still has value, and buyer is still required to pay..."

Click here to see full auction description.

Seats to Fill at the FCC

It looks like the Bush administration may soon allow the FCC to get busy with their tremendous backlog of work on controversial topics... W. is expected to announce his nominations for the 2 open seats on the commission: one of which was created following Chairman Michael Powell's resignation earlier this year  (Kevin Martin, then a commission member, moved on up, leaving an empty seat), and the other is from Michael Copps' 5-year-term coming to an end.

FYI: The commission is made up of 2 democrats (Copps and Adelstein), 2 republicans (Abernathy, whose term will end pretty soon and does not seek renomination, and the empty seat), and a hood ornament (Martin, a republican).

Bush is expected to renominate Democrat Michael Copps, a man so uptight that he's issued separate statements detailing his personal dissent from indecency cases that the commission as a whole had dismissed. Deborah Tate, Director of the Tennessee Regulatory Authority, is rumored to be W's pick for the empty republican seat on the commission. However, conservative lip-zipper Ted Stevens is ever so eager to come up with his own FCC nominee that he can force down the administration's throat.

A fast confirmation of both appointees might give Chairman Martin a short window of time (before Abernathy's departure) to use the commission's republican majority to his advantage: possibly making headway on controversial issues that the politically split FCC could not tackle. Might we see indecency revisited during this period? The Senate Commerce Committee has already scheduled a forum on broadcast decency...

WFMU's Political Endorsement

Polling places in NJ are still open for a few hours, and we'd like to remind Garden State residents that the race for Governor is far from over. If you're feeling frustrated with the top 2 candidates after being inundated with televised smear campaigns, NJ Weedman just might be the breath of fresh air this state has been wheezing for.

Some of our other favorite crackpot candidates:

Bernie Goetz for NYC Public Advocate. The irony: he shot 4 young African American men on a subway car in 1984. They allegedly "threatened" him, and Bernie was charged with assault and attempted murder, but escaped all charges save weapons possession. (via Monica)

Jimmy McMillan for Mayor of NYC. Representing the Rent Is Too Damn High party.

Tino Rozzo for NJ Governor. Running on the Socialist Party USA ticket, he plans to hypnotize the entire state with his formidable mustache. (via Scott)

Wes Bell for NJ Governor. Check out those credentials! (via Scott)

Lawsuits against Sony for sneaky DRM, and refuted denials from malware author

Lawsuits, incompetence, and denial: Some news in the case of Sony's music CD's installing nasty hidden software on people's computers. (Prior articles: Sony CD's caught... & Sony releases PR "patch"...)

Declan McCullagh writes in CNET about a class action lawsuit being prepared against Sony, and the possible reverse lawsuit that could occur from Sony against those who dare to remove the malware from their own machines:

Now the lawyers are taking aim, too. Robert Green, a partner at the San Francisco firm of Green Welling, says he's readying a class action lawsuit against Sony.
[...] In a bizarre twist, though, it's not only Sony that could be facing a legal migraine. So could anyone who tries to rid their computer of Sony's hidden anticopying program. That's because of Section 1201 of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, which bans the "circumvention" of anticopying technology.

An Italian group (ALCEI: Electronic Frontiers Italy, which is the "Association for the Freedom in the Interactive Communication Electronic" using a bad translating program) is pursuing a suit against Sony. (Here's the suit announcement, badly translated from Italian.)

Mark Russinovich of Sysinternals receives a response from First 4 Internet, author of Sony's DRM malware, denying all wrongdoing.  Russinovich refutes all their denials:

[...] Their claim that the communication is "one way" from Sony's web site is false, however, since Sony can make a record of each time their player is used to play a CD, which CD is played, and what computer is playing the CD.
[...] Sony's patch is dangerous because the way that it removes the cloak could crash Windows.
[...] Besides demonstrating the ineptitude of the First 4 Internet programmers, this flaw highlights my message that rootkits create reliability risks in addition to security risks.
[...] The comment does not explain why Sony won't simply make the uninstaller available as a freely accessible download like they do the patch, nor why users have to submit two requests for the uninstaller and then wait for further instructions to be emailed (I still have not received the uninstaller). The only motivation I can see for this is that Sony hopes you'll give up somewhere in the process and leave their DRM software on your system.
[...] Instead of admitting fault for installing a rootkit and installing it without proper disclosure, both Sony and First 4 Internet claim innocence. By not coming clean they are making clear to any potential customers that they are not only technically incompetent, but also dishonest.

UPDATE: Sony's Deteriorating DRM Mess: One Month Later (Dec. 1, 2005)

Sony releases PR "patch" for its DRM malware that doesn't address the problems

After a flurry of thousands of blog postings (those pesky bloggers!) exposing the nasty malware Sony CD's had been hiding on people's computers (here's my original discussion of the situation), Sony has, predictably, made an (empty) Public Relations move.

Sony has released a "patch" which the mainstream media is covering with misleading headlines like "Sony Music issues fix to anti-piracy program." But all this "patch" does is make some of the internal files associated with their nasty program appear less hidden.  It doesn't do a thing to address the majority of the problems with the malware.  It doesn't remove the sneaky DRM.  And, rumor has it that this patch will reinfect a machine that was previously cleansed of the malware.  (Read Sony's spin here)

Here's the original list of issues from my previous article:

• 1. The hidden software is poorly written, and hogs computer resources at all times, even when CD's aren't being played.
• 2. Its hiding techniques could inadvertently make it easy for others to hide software on the machine.
• 3. It takes actions that could result in a system crash.
• 4. It disguises itself as a legitimate Windows service.
• 5. It doesn't provide a way to remove the software.
• 6. Upon manual removal of the software, the CD drive can be rendered useless.

The new Sony patch only addresses issue #2.  It totally ignores the rest of them, and of course ignores the broader issue that Digital Rights Management is bad for everyone.  If the movie- and music-industry owned politicians have their way, "forget, realistically, that your computer will ever be under your control again."

Here's a longer article on this subject: Sony DRM is worse than you might think.

By the way, Universal Music uses the same DRM malware.  UPDATE 11/29/05: Since First 4 Internet has removed all their pages that admit to this, read the excerpts on Google's search results page instead.

My previous article for more background on this subject: Sony CD's caught installing extremely well-hidden and sketchy DRM software

UPDATE: Lawsuits against Sony for sneaky DRM, and refuted denials from malware author (Nov. 7, 2005)
UPDATE: Sony's Deteriorating DRM Mess: One Month Later (Dec. 1, 2005)

Pirate Radio Crackdown in London

Sweeping raids across London this week have resulted in the termination of 44 pirate radio stations. Apparently, the UK is home to about 150 pirate stations, over half of which are in London.

I can hardly count the number of British listeners who have written to me, with similar descriptions of the abysmal state of UK radio... even in the booming metropolis of London. Perhaps pirate radio is the only haven for underground music in the UK; even those hipsters at Reuters make reference to grime getting its start on pirate stations.

In any case, maybe Paddy Roy Bates can make some room in his Sealand compound for all of London's displaced radio pirates... they are kindred spirits, after all.

Thanks Andy!

Mike Bloomberg's Cartoon Handjob

New York mayoral wannabe Freddy Ferrer recently released an animated campaign ad (in jibjab style) which depicts mayor Mike Bloomberg giving a cartoon handjob to Dubya. The ad is available from Ferrer's site (it's the one called "Buddies") but in the event that they take it down, I've posted it here as well (mov file for download).

What's interesting is that in the fallout from the ad, The New York Times failed to mention what made the ad so controversial in the first place. It's the cartoon handjob, stupid!

But the Times' myopia pales next to the question of what exactly constitutes a cartoon handjob. Some experts contend that the ad doesn't depict a handjob at all. In the ad, Bloomberg reaches his well-moneyed hand over to Dubya's crotch and rubs it, eliciting Dubya to grin and kick his heels. But Bloomberg's hand never actually penetrates Bush's trousers, which technically speaking, makes the act frottage, not a handjob. But different rules apply to the world of cartoon sexuality. Things have been so quiet here at the cartoon sexuality desk that all the frottage in the world would not awaken our cartoon sexuality editors from their slumber, so we may never know the answer.

For me, the most offensive part of the ad is not the handjob, but Ferrer's campaign slogan: Fernando Ferrer. He's not like Mike. He's more like you. Ferrer's slogan writers clearly owe royalties to Andy Breckman, who penned the WFMU slogan, Helping listeners like you become less like you.

Radio News You Can't Use

Kevin Martin Demystified... almost
Business Week recently interviewed FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, who discussed improving broadband access in the U.S., making sure emergency communications are in order, and possibly dealing with the FCC's indecency complaint backlog in bulk.

Indecency Legislation to Resurface?
Rumors are flying around the nation's capitol concerning a revised broadcast indecency bill, scheduled to hit the Senate floor as soon as this week. If you'll recall, the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act passed through the House earlier this year and seemed to evaporate shortly thereafter. This time, two variations of an indecency bill are in the works, both raise the maximum fine for a naughty slip of the tongue and one has language that would place cable and satellite TV under the microscope.

Stern replaced by DLR, Jack, and Adam Carolla
As Howard Stern leaves the world of broadcast radio and steps into orbit on Sirius, Infinity Broadcasting replaces him with David Lee Roth (but that's old news) in most areas, while other parts of the country get Jack-FM or Adam Carolla. Meanwhile, Stern is still under investigation by the FCC for an allegedly indecent broadcast that aired earlier this year.

Payola Roundup
Eliot Spitzer’s investigation earlier this year dug up evidence that Sony BMG was engaged in illegal radio promotion practices (payola): bribes, vacation packages, and expensive electronics for radio station personnel secured airplay for Franz Ferdinand, Audioslave, Celine Dion, and other artists. This throw-down got Clear Channel execs shaking in their boots. They fired two employees following their own internal investigation. Now an indie label (TSR Records) has filed suit against Sony for bribing radio stations, alleging that this has blocked artists on other labels from being heard.

Liberal Radio Host Prematurely Discharged
Ed Schultz's radio program was mysteriously eliminated from the Armed Forces Radio roster at the zero hour by Allison Barber (who works for Internal Communications at the Pentagon). In a completely unrelated story, Schultz had criticized Barber earlier in the week for rehearsing interview responses with soldiers during President Bush's staged video-conference.

Air America's Next Big Mistake?

It looks like Air America is about to lose one of their best on-air personalities, Marc Maron. There's been no official announcement, but on his show, Morning Sedition, Maron has repeatedly said he's probably on his way out. And yesterday he said it's unlikely he'll be part of the Morning Sedition air team (with radio veteran Mark Riley) after this month. And they're promoting their live remote at O'Neal's in the Upper West Side this Thursday as their "last live appearance."

Why would Maron leave? Or why would Air America let go of the funniest guy on their talent roster? Best guess-- deadlocked contract negotiations.

When Air America went on the air over a year and a half ago, a lot of us in radio were dismayed that a new talk network would go on the air with so many air personalities and writers who made their mark in television instead of radio. Not that media cross-pollination in general is such a bad idea, but just that when a start-up radio network was trying to do something SO new (a national liberal talk network) AND they were also attempting to reinvent the medium at the same time by leaning so heavily on TV talent instead of loading up the schedule with radio veterans.

The big exceptions were South Florida's leftist talk bulldog Randi Rhodes who's held down the late afternoon slot since the beginning, and then a few months later acerbic career talker Mike Malloy who was tacked onto the late night end of the schedule. Those programs were the only ones done in the traditional talk radio manner--  one host on the air brings up issues, vents, and takes calls. All the other shows were more experimental-- with multiple hosts, many guests, and only a few (if any) calls. And all these programs featured one or more hosts best known for their work in TV or film.

Things to Think and Boo

Hello, Everybody—Nice seeing you again.
I always advise my Listeners to check the business news sections of web sites or the newspapers, because how else are you going to find out what’s really going on? For instance, how else would we know that the haunted house business is not what it used to be?

First off, who even knew it was a business? Well, it is. There are a couple of trade magazines called—surprise!—“Haunted House Magazine” and “HauntWorld” (“the ONLY haunted house magazine for professionals!”) There is a haunted house industry association, and haunted house trade shows where haunted house industry professionals can meet with haunted house vendors. But unfortunately it’s not the business it used to be. All those old houses are being seized under the new eminent domain rulings, and there’s all those new safety regulations, and the price of liability insurance keeps going up, and it’s getting hard for a simple animatronic zombie entrepreneur to scare up a few bucks. So don’t quit your dayjob.

I was trying to think of something really scary to leave leave you with this Halloween, and here it is:

When asked if she approved of the Park Slope Pavilion movie theater’s policy of searching the bags of all patrons. Ms. Bridget O’Connor said, “Oh, definitely, I hope they continue. It puts your mind at ease. It might take a couple extra seconds, but what doesn’t?”

Well, EXACTLY. What doesn’t?

Thanks for taking a couple extra seconds to read my blog entry, and happy Halloween.

No Longer "Perfect Together"

Many, MANY years ago I wrote an article for our now-defunct program guide, L.C.D., suggesting new slogans for New Jersey license plates. This was before all the diversification, with the "Battleship New Jersey" plates and those friggin' "Shore To Please" plates. Back then, Jersey plates were imprinted with THE GARDEN STATE - which seemed trite and out-dated to me. I suggested silly stuff like:

• "It Glows In The Dark!"
• "The 55 Gal. Drum State"
• "Sure It's Toxic - But We Love It!"

While THE GARDEN STATE may be our nickname, NJ & YOU: PERFECT TOGETHER has been our slogan since the early 80's, popularized by a serious of commercials with then-Governor Thomas Kean intoning the tag-line in his upper-crusty patrician sneer: "New Jer-zee and you; PURRR-fect Together". Then we tried the slogan "What A Difference A State Makes", which bombed as badly as Jim McGreevey's turn as Governor.

It now seems our new, improved hetero Acting Governor, Richard Codey (sorry - I mean Acting Governor The Very Hetero Richard Codey - it was McGreevey who was "acting hetero") has commissioned a new New Jersey slogan, paying one consultant $260,000 to come up with the godawful "New Jersey: We'll Win You Over." In an admission that this latest slogan is as pathetic as it is desperate, the Governor is reaching out to us, his peeps, for suggestions. You can call 609-984-9893 and shout your bon mots into the phone or go to nj.gov/slogan and fill out an electronic form. It's quick and easy and I've already submitted a few myself:

• "Kiss Her Where It Smells: New Jersey"
• "New Jersey: Where The Sopranos Work & Play"
• "Only The Strong Survive: New Jersey"

Okay, that last one I stole. But I want to see your originals - especially if you're submitting them through official channels. Remember: "WFMU & YOU: PURR-FECT TOGETHER!"

WFMU Vanity Plate created at http://www.acme.com/licensemaker/

Rent is too Damn High

Damian at Stay Free! alerts us to the Rent Is Too Damn High Party, throwing a hat into the ring for the upcoming NYC mayoral race. Their campaign song (MP3) explains everything.

The party's mayoral candidate and mastermind is ex-postal worker/Vietnam vet/martial arts instructor Jimmy McMillan, who once climbed up a cable on the Brooklyn Bridge armed with a machete to demand press attention. McMillan is actually on the official NYC ballot, running against a few other goons who are far too deficient in entertainment value to be mentioned.

Unfortunately, McMillan blames his rent woes on Jews (he also accuses them of creating a state of apartheid in Brooklyn), which is sure to derail his campaign. However, his site is full of nuggets like this:

All Poor People Are Being Force Out OF New York
*** HELL NO ***
This Is Jimmy McMillan, Ain't Nobody Running Nobody Anywhere.

Although McMillan's campaign may appear ridiculous, at least he's earnest. Remember when Jello Biafra ran for mayor of SF in '79? His platform included forcing businessmen wear clown costumes and banning cars within the city limits.

Sing Along With JFK MP3s

The assassination of John F. Kennedy may have marked the end of American innocence, but it crowned Vaughn Meader's First Family LP as the king of the cut-out bins for decades, a position it still holds to this day. What a shame that this fate was not bestowed upon George Atkins and Hank Levine's Sing Along With JFK LP instead. In 1961, Atkins and Levine took snippets of JFK's early presidential speeches, added an accordian player and a chorus, and set Camelot to music. JFK's pal Frank Sinatra was good enough to put out a small pressing of the LP on his Reprise label.

Although the same technique has been applied by others (including the George W Bush Singers), the inspiration of the Sing Along With JFK record has never been equaled, even (and especially) by Atkins and Levine's RFK/LBJ-based followup, Washington Is For The Birds.

Here are all six musical tracks from the LP Sing Along With JFK:

Begin Anew For Two  |  Let Us Begin Beguine  |  Alliance For Progress Bossa Nova
Ask Not Waltz  |  The Trumpet  |  Let The Word Go Forth

"Do They Know It's Halloween?"

"They don't know the fear/we endure once a year... do they know it's Halloween at all?" Parody/cheeky-homage of classic/infamous 80s Band-Aid charity record, by a group calling themselves the North American Halloween Prevention Initiative, includes Elvira Mistress of the Dark, Russel Mael, Beck, Thurston Moore, Malcolm McLaren, Karen O, Devendra Banhart, Joey Waronker, Peaches, David Cross and lots of others. Lots of fun... on Vice records, all profits benefit UNICEF. Read about it at Vice here and here, also recently in the NYTimes. Watch the kooky video here (no group sing-along shots - unfortunately?).

They Did The Mash, They Did The Climate Mash

Admit it, you thought Bobby "Boris" Pickett was dead, didn't you? Just in time for Halloween, the only recording artist to place the SAME song on the Billboard Top 100 THREE times (#1 in 1962, #91 in 1970 and #10 in 1972) is back with a global-warming parody of his own Monster Mash: Climate Mash.

Martin Plays Stratego at the FCC

Since the FCC has been mysteriously quiet on the indecency front for nearly a year, we were beginning to think that the issue was waning into oblivion under the commission's new conservative Chairman, Kevin Martin. It turns out that Mr. Martin has been a busy bee after all, quietly arranging his pawns for what we imagine will be a renewed battle against the first amendment.

To remind you, the most recent indecency mess started with America's traumatic exposure to 19/32 of a second of nipple during the 2004 Super Bowl... this was followed by a high-and-mighty, 11-month-long decency harangue from the right, which included a skyrocketing number of indecency complaints thanks to one christian organization, legislation that would catapult indecency fines far beyond rational numbers, a smattering of censorship-happy indecency rulings, and widespread confusion concerning non-sexual fucking. But the FCC suddenly shushed itself on the subject last December, and has not issued an indecency fine since.

During this downtime, Kevin Martin replaced Michael Powell as chairman of the FCC, a staunch anti-porno advocate was hired as a policy adviser to the commission (reeking of a renewed censorship campaign), and another indecency complaint against Howard Stern was filed, but all the while, the feds have been receiving fewer and fewer indecency complaints from the public they've been itching to protect.

This latest report confirms that Martin is taking baby-steps by placing the "right people" in key positions before launching into full-blown attack mode. We're predicting another onslaught of indecency fines in the near future, but there's one small detail that could potentially derail Martin's gravy train. He is a strong supporter of a-la-carte cable programming (which, of course, the cable industry strongly opposes), and we think he'll try to tack on some pay-per-channel cable language onto any new indecency regs/decisions.

America will then be presented with an interesting battle: religious fundamentalism (anti-indecency groups like the PTC) vs. the almighty dollar (cable TV lobbyists). Who will prevail? Stay tuned...

W.C. Fields and International House

My wife Elisabeth is the curator in our home of all things I refer to (sometimes derogatorily) as "old timey":  The Beau Hunks, Betty Boop cartoons, bluegrass music, The Marx Brothers, vintage children's books, the Carter Family, and all films pre-1950.  Not that I don't sometimes take to these things as well, but I go reluctantly, as my aesthetic nerve center draws me elsewhere by nature.  I am often, however, pleasantly surprised after an initial pooh-poohing.

Her latest addition to our collection of things from the "bygone era" is the W.C. Fields Comedy Collection - a 5-disc DVD set that's rapidly winning me over.  First, we watched The Bank Dick (1940), Fields' much-heralded surreal comedy about a hapless, boozing idiot who falls into, out of, and back into good luck.  I suddenly realized where the template for bizarre, free-associated stream of comedy like The Simpsons might have come from.  "Has, uh, Michael Finn been in here today?" Fields asks the bartender, a signal to slip a mickey to Snoopington, the bank inspector.

I wasn't, however, prepared for International House (1933), a wild cinema burlesque of bits, sight gags, risqué jokes and bare skin.  International House is a hotel comedy set in "Wu-Hu, China" -  a precursor to films like California Suite, where big names in idiosyncratic roles hold together a film that's actually about almost nothing. 

A certain Doctor Wong (played by a very un-Chinese Edmund Breese), has invented a cumbersome device called the Radioscope, which displays visual transmissions from all over the world and "needs no broadcast station; no carrier waves are necessary."  Genius!  What a great way to bankrupt the television networks that didn't yet exist.  Interested parties converge on the International House to place their bids on the new device.  Dr. Wong keeps promising, "And now, the six-week bicycle race!" but instead, we see:

-Cab Calloway and His Harlem Maniacs doing "Reefer Man":  "Why, what's the matter with this cat here?" "He's high." "What do you mean he's high?" "Full of weed."

-Baby Rose Marie (eek!) performing "My Bluebird's Singing The Blues."  Yes, that's Rose Marie, later of The Dick Van Dyke Show.  She was even scarier as a kid, and at first glance I thought she may have been a midget.  Must be seen to be believed.

-Rudy Vallee singing a smarmy, religious-themed love song (and being rightly trounced by Fields, who enters the room mid-song:  "How long has this dog fight been going on?")  Fields bad-mouthed Vallee intentionally, violating an agreement between Vallee and director A. Edward Sutherland, who had promised to keep Fields' comments on a leash.

-Colonel Stoopnagle and Budd, a dry-as-parchment duo of radio satirists, presenting sight gag inventions, and the bizarre slogan "Stoopnocracy is Peachy."

Radio News You Can't Use

Radio's Role in the Aftermath of Katrina
Houston Astrodome officials blocked an LPFM radio station from setting up shop and broadcasting emergency info to displaced hurricane survivors... then finally changed their minds.

Ham radio geeks around the country provided an essential communication link after Katrina knocked out major TV and radio stations in affected areas.

The FCC responded expediently to the communication crisis post-Katrina, relaxing rules and offering assistance to affected broadcasters (read more here, PDF). Even the EAS (Emergency Alert System), normally a lame-duck, managed to issue an informative message pre-Katrina... However, a lack of multilingual emergency information put many Spanish and Vietnamese-speaking communities out of touch with evacuation notices and disaster-related messages.

WFMU aired a few great New Orleans tribute shows and also lent a hand to WWOZ, a community station in New Orleans that was knocked off the air during the storm. Thanks to WWOZ management and WFMU's own IT squirrels, we launched a temporary web stream for OZ, allowing them to reconnect with fans and donors during this crucial time. Blog entries from WWOZ's manager, Dave Freedman (no relation to Ken Freedman), document the process of regrouping and resurrecting this cultural stronghold from the ruins of a destroyed city. These posts can be read in sequence: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4.

GOP proposes cutting CPB funding, again
As Washington digs for spare change in its many pockets to scrounge up money for Hurricane Katrina relief, some republicans have proposed a complete elimination of the CPB’s (Corporation for Public Broadcasting) $400 million budget. CPB distributes funding to the nation’s public radio and TV stations, many of which were instrumental in relaying disaster-related information to Katrina victims. Where oh where could we possibly be spending even more money than that?

Another Power Shift at CPB
CPB's chairman, Kenneth Tomlinson, who came under fire for secretly conducting content investigations of public TV shows he believed were too liberal and adding a number of conservative shows to the PBS roster, ended his tenure this week. Cheryl Halpern, also a republican, takes Tomlinson's seat, while Newt Gingrich's conservative pal Gay Hart Gaines succeeds democrat Frank Cruz as Vice Chair. Earlier this year, former RNC co-chair Patricia Harrison was appointed CPB President and CEO, which, combined with the latest shift, means that all top-ranking officials at CPB are now republicans. We can expect CPB to become increasingly critical of PBS and NPR programming in the coming months; only 2 democrats remain on the 8-member board.

Liberal Humorist Eaten by Grumpy Geezer with Lawyer
Syndicated public radio host Garrison Keillor sent a cease and desist letter to a blogger for selling t-shirts on his site that read "A Prarie Ho Companion" (a parody of Keillor's "A Prarie Home Companion" program). Parody falls under a little statute called "fair use," which any above-average lawyer might understand.

Hey kids! The National Guard wants YOU to have free MP3's!

Receive 3 FREE iTunes music downloads when you sign up to be contacted by the Army National Guard!

__ Yes, I understand that the Army National Guard will send me information about great new Army National Guard benefits! I also understand that I will be contacted by a recruiter, and that's OK with me!

AlterNet blogger Evan Derkacz has this to say:

Who needs obsolete platitudes like Freedom and Security when you can get free mp3s for letting the National Guard contact you? I mean, it's not like they're just free all over the internet or available for $.99 each at the itunes store or anything...

What I want to know is, if your parents opt you out of the creepy provision in the No Child Left Behind Act that permits the armed forces to access students' records, can a student then override this by signing up for $2.97 worth of Kelly Clarkson singles?

Waiting to Deploy

Hello, Everybody--nice seeing you again.

Here’s how I know that Hurricane Katrina was one of the worst disasters ever to hit this country: They’re willing to use me to help clean it up.

A couple of weeks ago, when the Red Cross said they needed 250,000 volunteers to go down and help the victims of Katrina, I went to their web site to sign up. (www.redcross.org) It turned out they weren’t looking for 250,000 volunteers, they were looking for 250,000 volunteers with specific disaster-response training. I can sort of understand that. I know they don’t want a whole bunch of kind-hearted people showing up and then standing around wondering where they’re going to eat and who's going to give them a place to stay. But I’m pretty self-sufficient and I’ve got skills: My first job in New York was driving a wholesale grocery delivery truck, so I can drive and I can lift heavy things. I know how to change the oil in a car, gap spark plugs, and use an engine timing light, in case somebody has a 30-year-old car that needs that. I know how to knit. I can type about 90 words a minute. I have a vast repertoire of obscure song lyrics and memorized poetry. I’m a pretty good shot with a handgun. I can play the cello. I know how to replace faucet washers and fix the toilet when it runs all the time. In college I had a work-study job that involved performing vasectomies on the rats in the psych lab, so I can do minor animal surgery. I got Red Cross lifeguard certification when I was 16, and Red Cross pet first-aid certification last year. That’s right: I have Red Cross pet first-aid certification, yes I do. And that’s why the Humane Society of the United States seems willing to send me down to Gonzales, Louisiana to clean the cages of the animals rescued from New Orleans.

Last Monday there was an article in the Daily News that said the Humane Society (www.hsus.org) was looking for volunteers to go down to the Gulf and rescue animals who are still trapped, but they also need people to walk and water and feed and clean up after the animals that have already been saved and are being held in the big emergency shelters in Gonzales and in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. The story said “even people without experience can pitch in.” Actually, I do have some experience cleaning cages and all—I was an assistant at a veterinarian’s office for a while in college, too, because back then I was thinking about becoming a vet. I sterilized stuff and ran simple tests and fed and watered  and walked and cleaned up and washed the animals that were being sent home and held the ones that were being euthanized when their owners couldn’t bring themselves to do it. And I do have that Red Cross pet first-aid certification, so send me! Send me! SEND ME!

Emergency Alert System Warning on Katrina

I've spent more than my fair share of airtime complaining about the uselessness of the Emergency Alert System - how it wasn't activated on 9/11, or the time it accidentally ordered a one-hour evacuation of the entire state of Connecticut, or how it failed to suggest any course of action (or even mention the word "flood") when the Delaware River swamped towns in Pennsylvania and New Jersey last spring.

But you have to hand it to the EAS' partners at the National Weather Service for their warning on Hurricane Katrina. As the storm headed into the mainland, the agency offered this assesment to broadcasters in three states:

"Most of the area will be uninhabitable for weeks, perhaps longer. At least one half of well constructed homes will have roof and wall failure. All gabled roofs will fail leaving homes severely damaged or destroyed. The majority of industrial buildings will become non-functional. Partial to complete wall and roof failures is expected. All wood-framed, low-rising apartment buildings will sustain major damage, including some wall and roof failure. High-rise office and apartment buildings will sway dangerously... a few to the point of total collapse. All windows will blow out. Airborne debris will be widespread. Power outages will last for weeks as most power poles will be down and transformers destroyed. Water shortages will make human suffering incredible by modern standards. Preparations for evacuations and relief should be rushed to completion."

The message is a rare glimmer of government competence in the sea of ineptitude that Katrina and its aftermath became.

Alas, that is not how Senator Rick Santorum saw it. Santorum introduced legislation (Senate Bill 786) which would make it illegal for the National Weather Service to issue such warnings, putting control of weather forecasts solely into the hands of private companies like Pennsylvania-based AccuWeather, which just happens to be a Santorum donor.

The Lieutenant Wore A Purple Ribbon

It was around 10:30 on an unseasonably warm Sunday evening in October of ‘97 when a commotion began outside my Hoboken apartment that would eventually lead to one of my stranger nights in New Jersey.

I was on the couch, watching a movie, when the noise level outside got louder and angrier than usual. I went to the front window, pulled back the curtains and saw flashing lights coming down the block. Curious, I stepped outside just in time to see an upstairs neighbor corralling a young kid against a fence next door. The neighbor is a powerful guy and the kid – no older than fourteen – looked scared, like a trapped animal.

The cops were soon out of their cars, grabbing the kid and getting some details from my neighbor. When he was through, he came over to where I was standing with some other neighbors and explained that the kid – and some accomplices – were breaking into cars on the block. “I think you better go check your car. I saw them down there.” he said to me, pointing to where my car was parked.

Fearing the worst, I walked fast up the block to my car and got a sinking feeling when I noticed the convertible top unsnapped. I checked inside and (luckily) nothing was missing but a crappy old umbrella. The thieves were scared off before they had time to do any real damage.

I walked back to my building and thanked the neighbor for grabbing the kid. The cops asked me if anything was missing. I told them about the umbrella, said it was no big deal, and was surprised when they asked me to come downtown and swear out a complaint anyway (without complaints they had no case). I hemmed and hawed but then they offered me a ride (I was mostly concerned about losing my hard-won parking space).

NOOIIISSSE!

When I awoke suddenly at 3 a.m. the other night to the sound of a ferociously loud motorcycle on the street outside, I knew then what this week's post would be about.  After trying to fall back to sleep for 30 minutes, I got up and started writing.

Those who know me know that I am all for noise in the proper context.  I listen to music that often prompts others to say "that's not music."  I love Merzbow, MB, Goat, Yoko Ono, Whitehouse and The New Blockaders.  But noise in the public, urban landscape can be intrusive, offensive, disruptive, disheartening and sometimes rage-producing.  Usually this kind of noise is propagated by individuals guilty of what I consider to be the greatest of personal sins:  obliviousness.  They're oblivious to the fact that they share their environment with others who are trying to live their lives in relative peace and harmony, i.e., "that's me, and I'm doin' it 'cause it feels good."  Most city noise isn't personal or malicious, it's worse; it's negligent and casually disrespectful.

Every so often, I read something about the measurement of big city noise levels, or about some legislator who wants to mount anti-noise laws as a quality of life issue, but things don't ever seem to change that much, and I think the whole situation speaks to the sad limitations of human nature and humans in general.  Environmental noise is likely causing us more harm than mere annoyance.  There is also speculation that noise may be making our kids dumb (see this link too) and hard of hearing.   Noise may also be damaging our wildlife.

When I enter "street noise nuisance" into Google, 90% of the links on the first 3 pages are UK-based; is this because the British are more apt to use the term "nuisance" or because goddamit, we're the USA, we're loud, proud, aggressive and prone to preemptive invasions?  In fact, a battery of noise-complaint-related Google searches I did brought up more UK and Canada-related links in general, supporting the common notion (which I'd like to believe is wrong) that Canadians and the British are generally more civilized than we are.  (The few relevant links I was able to find that related directly to the northeastern US are collected at the end of this post.)

We all have our "if I were Mayor, President, or King of the Free World" fantasies, and here are a few noise-related offenses that I, were I to ever hold high office, would terminate with extreme prejudice.

Let the Finger-Pointing Begin

Read this hilarious report that Pat Robertson is blaming Hurricane Katrina on the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences for choosing sexual deviant Ellen Degeneres as this year's host for the Emmy Awards. Given Robertson's latest loopy outburst, I didn't put it past him. In fact, I still believe that the parody's author must have accessed Pat's innermost thoughts and desires through a secret wormhole.

Be sure to check out the rest of the Dateline Hollywood site for some good ol' fashioned satire to relieve your weary mind from the increasingly sobering real news.

Thanks to Irwin for encouraging us to believe.

FEMA Rap

Presenting the FEMA disaster rap for kids, which obviously prepared our nation's youth for the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina... brought to you by the same agency that, via the EAS (Emergency Alert System), accidentally evacuated the entire state of Connecticut for one hour, warned residents of a forthcoming flood by announcing that "a civil authority has issued a civil emergency," and didn't bother to relay any disaster-related messages on 9/11/01 because they didn't want to alarm anyone.

Thanks to Station Manager Ken for passing this one along

I'm A Work-Is-Shit Anarchist, and I Approve This Message

Check out this amazing political ad from the German Anarchist Pogo Party: Link (mp4 video file for download). Instead of the usual empty political promises, the party's campaign spot splices together scenes of debauched revellers smashing furniture, children playing with axes, and groups of couples kissing and groping each other. The best part is that the Hamburg-based group gets national airtime for free, due to German campaign laws, and despite some outrage over the spot, it will continue to air nationally. Here's a link to the German Anarchist Pogo Party website, and here's the Reuters story on them. Thanks Bill Z!

Only the Realistic Survive

Hello, everybody--nice seeing you again.

Like everyone else, all I know is what I read on the Internet.  Of course, this week  I’ve been following the story of Hurricane Katrina, and I’ve listened to the mayor of New Orleans’ radio interview and I’ve watched the president of Jefferson Parish break down and cry, and I’ve read all those commentors asking, “How could this happen?” That seems a little disingenuous to me. People want to know why President Bush couldn’t attend to the biggest natural disaster in the country’s history, when  he was in Florida--the Bush Fascism Testing Ground, the state that “won” the election for him in 2000, where his brother’s the Governor--within 48 hours after one of the big hurricanes hit there last year. Well, why do you think? Within 48 hours of Hurricane Katrina the administration announced that all those Louisiana and Mississippi National Guard soldiers over in Iraq were NOT going to be allowed to come back early, and if that’s not a good, solid indication of their brand of leadership, I don’t know what  is. People say the Department of Homeland Security failed during this crisis, but actually they’ve continued to do their work--spying on American citizens’ public library records and preventing Canadian rescue teams from entering the country to help us. And the Navy has announced that Robotic Lord Cheney’s former company, Halliburton, will be restoring power and rebuilding three naval facilities that were wrecked by the hurricane in Mississippi. We can all take comfort in that, I guess.

This Week in Sex: Go Fuck Yourself

Small consolations. Just when you thought things couldn't get worse in New Orleans, Dr. Phil went down to the Superdome for a "very special Dr.Phil", with Oprah and others hot on his heels, while Sean Penn in a leaky boat tried to rescue children. Dick Cheney must have thought thought, "Hell, if Oprah's there, I'm getting my ass down there too. Sounds like a party!" During an interview with the vp, someone off-camera shouted, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney!" Twice. I don't think it was Sean Penn, seeing as he was still bailing out his boat with a little red plastic cup.

The naked lady doth  protest. It could be worser: naked protesters could show up. Though in New Orleans, nakidity doesn't register the way it does elsewhere. Whereas a good old "fuck yourself" to the vice president gets the job done. It's the little black dress of protests.

It could be worsest. You could be wearing your latex underwear during the cleanup.

Girls with Glasses. You gotta pay for the dirty parts, but the videos of girls talking about their glasses are kinda sweet.

Guys and dolls. This is icky. Icky icky icky.

Look at our Naked Pictures Happiness. Read our bad poetry. Open wide your fly heart. This might make you feel icky, but not nearly as icky as if you looked at that doll sex site.

This room is to die for! Ever wonder where to put the dead body in your living room? Microsoft has a "crime scene with shapes" template that makes it as easy as Microsoft can make anything. Comes with icons for weapons, blood, and footprints.

Hello titty. Curiosities from a Japanese porn megastore. (thanks Station Manager Ken)

William Shatner and Frederica von Stade will sing a duet on the Emmy awards September 18. I don't know what this has to do with sex, but a girl can dream.

I blame pornography. Chris Martin says watching porn got his creative juices flowing.

Naked Gardening Day is September 10. "Why garden naked? It's fun!" Fun if you like bug bites, sunburn, and gardening. So get out there, you fun-bug-sun-loving gardeners!

Next week: Monkeys! (I know I said that last time.)

New Orleans, WWL and WWOZ

I have a big batch of MP3 and movie posts to put up here, but Katrina has changed things.

This one hurts.

Where to begin. The humanity? The musicians. The architecture. The culture that's lost. The hell it has become.

There's always been a connection to New Orleans on WFMU, as there would have to be for any station that takes music seriously. As I tap, Monica's doing a great show dedicated to the victims of Katrina. Doug and Spazz both did incredible New Orleans / Louisiana shows this morning and last night. (Doug's archives are here: MP3 | Realaudio and Dave the Spazz's archives are here: MP3 | Realaudio.) Doug aired that incredible interview with New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin, which you can download here: MP3.

Nagin was interviewed on WWL 870 AM last night. WWL's coverage of this disaster has reportedly been incredible.

UPDATE: WWL now was an online stream, as part of a radio consortium called United Radio For New Orleans. Go here and click on "listen live" for a windows media player feed. Thanks Chris T!

As for WWOZ, the great community radio station in new Orleans, I've been in touch with David Freedman, their General Manager. WWOZ's been destroyed - transmitter and production studio under water, no word yet on their main studios, but it seems unlikely to me that they are still in useable shape even if they were above the water. David is holed up in a motel in Arkansas, the closest room he could find when he evacuated. Needless to say, WWOZ is off the air completely, not even their stream is up. The staff is scattered all over the south, some even in the hellhole at the Superdome. They're searching for family members and each other.

And even if WWOZ were to rebuild their transmitter in a year (which is highly unlikely) how much of their audience would still be there listening to their FM signal? The hurricane has destroyed their over the air audience, but it doesn't have to also mean an end to their significant online audience. I'm working with David to help get some kind of temporary WWOZ stream back up as soon as possible, maybe even tomorrow, and then as the WWOZ staff find one another, the station will get back up with a temporary studio. WWOZ's website is till up here and when the temporary stream goes up, there will be links to it there. General relief agencies are listed here. I'll keep you posted about the OZ stream here as well, and if I get a minute I'll put up a batch of MP3s.

UPDATE: The WWOZ In Exile stream is up via the WWOZ Home Page. Thanks to all the FMU staffers who've offered help, and especially to The Professor and Bill Zurat for getting a WWOZ stream back online. In the coming weeks, this stream will be replaced by WWOZ proper, and the folks at WWOZ are already laying out plans for putting up a new temporary transmitter.

Pablo Picasso, He Was No Porno

Hello, Everybody--Nice seeing you again.

Nick Bertozzi is smart, funny, good-looking, and talented. Unfortunately, he’s also a cartoonist. He started out the way a lot of alternative cartoonists do, drawing his own crude, obscene, and funny comic book, “The Incredible Drinkin’ Buddies.” Then he got all artsy and drew “Boswash,” a story about a cartographer that, instead of being printed as a book, folded out like a map. He won some awards for that one. He drew a bumper sticker for WFMU in 2001. His art got better and better, and he started getting illustration gigs, and he got married and had a little girl, and his comics got more and more serious and historical, ’cause you don’t want to draw dirty stuff when you’re thinking about keeping your daughter off the pole. That’s why I was surprised when I heard that some poor guy in Georgia might be going to prison for giving away a comic book with a Nick Bertozzi story in it.

Every year, the comic book industry has a promotion where they give away free comic books. This is supposed to lure people into comics stores, as if there’s anything in there you’d actually want to buy once they get you inside. I used to love comics, but I don’t go into comic shops any more because I got tired of pimply-faced 17-year-olds calling me “Ma’am” as if it were an insult. Anyway, this guy, Gordon Lee, owns a comic book shop in Rome, Georgia, and he had a bunch of books for 2004 Free Comic Book Day that he couldn’t even give away, so he decided to hand them out to trick-or-treaters on Halloween. One of the books was an anthology called “Alternative Comics #2” that featured an excerpt from “The Salon,” Nick Bertozzi’s graphic novel about Georges Braque and Pablo Picasso. You know how kids love the early cubists. Nick did a lot of research on these guys, and the story is historically accurate, including the fact that the first time Braque went to Picasso’s studio, Pablo was painting in the nude. Naturally, that’s the part of the story that was excerpted in “Alternative Comcs #2.” Gordon Lee says the comic—which has a "Mature Readers" label—was accidentally put in the give-away pile, where it wound up being handed to a 9-year-old boy. The kid’s parents complained, and Gordon Lee was arrested.

"Displacing the Zionist Influences in this Nation"

James Kelso (pictured here with David Duke, standing in front of Hitler-sympathizer Charles Lindbergh's Spirit of St. Louis), moderator of stormfront.org's online forum and Friend of Stormfront, working out of David Duke's offices in St. Tammany Parish, Lousiana has this to say on the subject of Cindy Sheehan:

One reason that the Left has, for fifty years, routinely done a better job of political progaganda than we Patriots have, is that they are ready at the drop of a hat to go out into the streets to protest.
We debate.
There is no downside to dignified street activism. The Crawford, Texas encampment by Cindy Sheehan is arguably the single most brilliant tactical propaganda move in decades. What Cindy Sheehan did was simply to "do it".
She just got in her car and drove to Crawford to physically announce her righteous moral stand against a war based on lies.
We can do the same thing. We can also take advantage of the entire media of the world being in Crawford for the next few days. Or we can let the opportunity go. We can worry about whether our message will be properly understood. Or we can do what Cindy Sheehan did....just show up in front of Bush when he is cornered like a rat lolling about at his ranch. Clearing brush, riding his $3,000 bicycle, and catching up on his reading.
A basic principle is that "if you don't come to the dance, you don't get the girl". We're going to the dance.

When I first heard about this, as I filled in for Prof. Dum-Dum tonight on WFMU, my immediate thought was "Karl Rove". Call me paranoid...

IN THE WORDS OF P-5

Hello, Everybody--Nice Seeing You Again.

The good news this week is that our friend Dave just got a new dayjob. You may have seen Dave at some of the WFMU record fairs, selling his nifty Savage Monsters posters and puppets, and if you haven’t seen him, you’re just gonna have to buy his merch online, ‘cause we probably won’t be seeing him again. The good news is his new job sounds really interesting and lets him use all his creative talents and pays really, really well. The bad news is that it’s in Cleveland and he’s gonna have to move there.

“Cleveland, city of light, city of magic,” I hear Randy Newman singing in my head, and if I weren’t writing this to you on a Civil War-era iMac running OS 1⁄3 I would hook you up with the mp3 file so you could hear it, too. It’s a song called “Burn On,” about the Cuyahoga River—the river that runs through Cleveland—bursting into flame back in 1969. But that river is always burning. Good old Time magazine once said, “The Cuyahoga oozes rather than flows.”

Cleveland, city of light and the Cleveland Indians. Nice logo, Cleveland! I have never thought of myself as being a politically correct person, but even I find the Cleveland Indians logo appalling, that Sambo-ized Red Man with the shit-eating grin. If you wear a Cleveland Indians cap in New York, you might get away with claiming it’s an ironic gesture, but it you wear one in Cleveland, you mean it.

Ohio was in the news last week when their Governor, Bob Taft, became a convicted criminal.  Convicted Criminal Taft is the great-grandson of Fat Stuck-in-the-Bathtub President Taft. (When I was trapped at the dogfood factory in Dayton last June, I saw an awful lot of Taft-sized people in Ohio. I don’t know what’s going on there, but the people are enormous.) Great-grandson Criminal Taft is the first Ohio Governor to be either charged with or convicted of a crime. After pleading “no contest” to charges of failing to report gifts and golf outings, he was convicted of four misdemeanor violations of state ethics laws, fined $4000, and ordered to write e-mail apology notes to state employees and newspapers to say he’s sorry for his behavior. This is probably the harshest part of the sentence, because Convicted Criminal Taft doesn’t use e-mail. Back in 2002, when he was pushing his Third Frontier project to turn Ohio into “a hub of new technology,” Not-Yet-Convicted-at-That-Time Governor Taft admitted to the Associated Press that he had never sent an e-mail and didn’t even have a computer on his desk. He said he preferred hand-written notes and telephone calls.

I don’t understand getting caught taking golf outings. Golf outings! Is that a euphemism for something else? If I were in a position of power, I would not be selling out my office for a golf outing. At least the Convicted Criminal Governor of Connecticut got some nice home repairs. I think he also got jail time, though, and Convicted Criminal Taft did not. In fact, Taft isn’t even going to leave office. Although in the past he’s forced out some of his minions for ethics offenses, he says those cases were different. Well, they were different—they didn’t involve him. He says he still has important work to do. Maybe he has to go door-to-door with O.J., looking for the missing $300,000 coins.

The State of Ohio, in its infinite wisdom, gave $50 million dollars from its investment fund to a well-connected Republican named Tom Noe so he could invest the money in rare coins and baseball cards. (Baseball cards! Too bad they weren’t looking to invest in comic books, ‘cause I’ve got some old issues of Catwoman   I’d be happy to sell to any savvy Republican investor.) Alas, it turns out that $300,000 worth of gold coins have been lost in the mail. Don’t you hate when that happens? And then about $12 million is just missing, and nobody knows where it is.  Tom Noe—whose strip-mall coin shop went under in 1992, leaving him $16,500 in debt—was contacted at his million-dollar Florida home, but he said he doesn’t know where the money is, either. I wouldn't put my savings (which currently total $204) into rare coins, so how could the state of Ohio think it was a good place to put their $50 million? Why didn't they just buy 50 million dollars’ worth of lottery tickets? Or they could have bought 50 millions dollars’ worth of Amway products and gone state-to-state, selling them to Missouri and Nebraska.

But don’t worry, Ohio—President Bush is there for you. He’s reported to have reacted calmly to Criminal Governor Taft’s conviction, just as he reacted calmly to the results of his personal friend Rafael Palmiero’s drug test. “Governor Taft apologized today, he has paid the fine and said it was a serious mistake, and the President accepts that,'' White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said. So there. And remember which state put Bush over the top in the 2004 election—because he certainly hasn’t forgotten. As our friends Pizzicato Five say: “OHIO!”

Thanks for reading my blog entry, and may God bless.

What Really Happened...

...to Natalee Holloway?

How does someone just up and disappear?  Why can't they "tune up" murder suspects in Dutch territories?  How long can a European rich kid keep quiet?  These and other questions may plague us forever, but we can be pretty sure that it's unwise to get drunk in a foreign land and make out with a sadistic rich boy that you just met, however cute he may be.

I would like to see her returned to her family alive and unharmed, but with the passage of time, a positive outcome seems less and less likely.  Still, judging by the seemingly everlasting media coverage of the Holloway case (particularly by the always "compassionate" Fox News), one would think this were a global tragedy of tsunami proportions.  Get some perspective:  In the United States alone, more than one million people are reported missing each year; most of them do not have three Dutch F-16 warplanes with lasers and special cameras looking for them, either.

Chances are good that the Bad Thing has happened to young Natalee.
Running the acknowledged risk of extraordinarily bad taste, I offer these alternative possibilities:

-Shot by disappointed office seeker

-Harem girl at Brunei Palace

-Managing Aruba Denny's

-Drowned self, despondent over Terri Schiavo passing

-Drowned self, despondent over Jackson verdict

-Drowned self, despondent over choice in America's Top Model 2005

You extra-large flunkey, we will transform your country into a sea of fire!

North Korean propaganda taken directly from Pyongyang's Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) is translated into both English and Spanish, and made searchable by handy topics like "human scum" and "imperialist aggressor," courtesy of NK News. Be sure to check out the Random Insult Generator and the Hall of Fame for added entertainment.

via CNET

Indecency Complaints Recede into Near Oblivion

Let the desensitization begin, friends. A new report released by the FCC shows that indecency complaints are steeply declining. Cheers to that!

The numbers are quite astonishing: the last part of 2004 saw 317,833 radio and TV broadcasting complaints, which decreased by about half during the first quarter of this year. Check out the trend for Q1, 2005:

January - 138,652
February - 14,480
March - 3,884

It seems as though America is shying away from the idea of federal censorship (or at least, the organization responsible for over 95% of complaints to the FCC is calming down a tad), which provides an interesting backdrop as the commission decides how to handle the backlog of complaints they've been ignoring since the beginning of this year. The recent hiring of a vehement anti-porno activist as an FCC policy advisor reeks of another indecency crackdown, but the feds may find more regulatory action difficult to defend considering the public's waning interest.

¡Dancing in the Streets!

From my peepholes at Legalize Dancing...big shouts to them for helping put together this long, long, looooong overdue lawsuit.  In the 90s I spent many evenings DJing, dancing, having a good time...until Rudy Ghouliani and his nightlight task force goons showed up.  Usually around 12:30-1:30am, just when things were about to pop off, they would shine flashlights in people's faces, write tickets and even padlock your favorite downtown lil' spot--because of DANCING.  That's right, dancing was and still is ILLEGAL in NYC.  Quality of life my ass.

I also think its hilarious they got the choreographer from footloose involved.  And the ex-owner of the Plant Bar is my man Dominique, who's been doing stuff in NYC for years, and currently part of the electro-ish dance rock group the Glass.  Mas info on his group here.

DANCERS SUE CITY TO REPEAL CABARET LAWS

Four Dancers - Byron Cox, Ian Dutton, John Festa, and Meredith Stead - and a social-dance organization, the Gotham West Swing Club, filed suit June 23rd, 2005, in a New York State Supreme Court, calling for the immediate repeal of the Caberet Laws on the ground that they restrict the state's guarantee of freedom of expression by legislating and limiting the act of social dancing at eating and drinking establishments.

The plaintiffs in the case are represented by a team of lawyers that includes NYU law professor Paul Chevigny and former New York Civil Liberties Union Executive Director Norman Siegel.  The next court date in hte case is September 2nd, when the city will offer its initial response to the suit.  On October 18th, the plaintiffs will file their response.  The judge is Hon. Michael Stallman.

FCC Revisiting Indecency?

Ever since conservative playboy Kevin Martin rose to the position of Chair at the FCC this March, the commission has been uncomfortably silent on the issue of indecency (directly following a full year of puritanical nipplegate backlash). Given Martin's history of hating on our 4-lettered friends (even in a patriotic context), we have been expecting the assault on free speech in Washington to intensify.

Today, the FCC turned off the road of inactivity concerning indecency, hiring Penny Nance, a Christian anti-porn activist, as a policy advisor (click here to read the full Mediaweek article). This move indicates that broadcasters are headed for another barrage of indecency fines.

Legislation that would make indecency violations more expensive than the fines for dumping toxic waste has been sitting on the back-burner in the U.S. Senate for a few months now. We believed that the bill's fatal flaw was dragging cable and satellite TV under the FCC's regulatory blanket, and still hope that this caveat will prevent the increased fines from becoming law. Censorship proponents like Nance and Martin want to force cable providers to offer a-la-carte options to consumers, a position which could possibly derail their campaign, considering the cable industry's substantial lobbying power. In any case, the battle is sure to heat up soon.

Thanks to Dave Mandl for the heads-up.

July Indoors

Hello, Everybody--nice seeing you again.

I had to spend most of July indoors, so I've been doing a lot of reading. Here are some of the books I've read in the past month.

Carnivorous Nights: On the Trail of the Tasmanian Tiger, By Margaret Mittelbach and Michael Crewdson, artwork by Alexis Rockman. (2005, Villard Books). Margaret and Michael are a writing team, and I don't even understand how that works. I think of writing as something solitary and painful, like pulling out your own teeth with a pair of pliers, but somehow they sit down together and write the most interesting and fun books and articles about natural history stuff. While they were doing some research at the American Museum of Natural History a while back, they came across a taxidermied specimen of the extinct Tasmanian tiger and fell in love with it. (I'm not sure how that works, either, but to each his own.) They ended up traveling to Tasmania with their pothead artist friend, Alexis, and his girlfriend, and a friend of a friend, and all sorts of things happened including that they learned the verb “to quoll.” Their book about their adventures in Tasmania is extremely amusing and good-humored, just like Michael and Margaret. To celebrate the publication of Carnivorous Nights, they had a party and taxidermy competition at Pete's Candy Store in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. DJ Dorian  was one of the judges, and my armadillo handbag, Randall, won a prize. It was one of the most fun parties I've ever been to, and they said they're going to do it again when the paperback comes out.

(P.S.--The picture of me making a face with Randall Handbag is not the best picture of me ever posted online. This one is better. I can't wait to hear this edition of Chris T's “Communication Breakdown, 'cause I think Jeff is a nice guy and would look really good in a fireman's outfit.)

Moravagine, by Blaise Cendrars.(Copyright 1926, translation 1968, published in paperback 2004 by New York Review Books.) I came across this in Posman Books when I was looking for the new translation of Don Quixote. The cashier guy who usually rolls his eyes when I come up to the register with something like Happy Kitty Bunny Pony got all excited when I plunked this book down on the counter. He wanted me to come back and let him know how I liked it. I dunno. Maybe I would have liked it better in 1926, when it was written, but it kept reminding me of the scene in the first Austin Powers movie where Dr. Evil says he want “One MILLION dollars!” Ooh, Blaise Cendrars is so pervy and evil! Plus, I just couldn't get into the whole deal with Blaise Cendrars being a pen name or an alterego or whatever, and the whole artifice of his background: “What is true? What is false?” You know what? I don't much care. But maybe I just need it explained a little better. I wish DJ Rix  would read this book and tell me what he thinks of it.

The Secret Architecture of Our Nation's Captial: The Masons and the Building of Washington, D.C., by David Ovason. (2000, HarperCollins Publishers.) I do believe David Ovason had something to say when he wrote this book. What was it, I wonder? I finished this book--all 465 grueling pages, including the notes--in July, but I've actually been reading it every night for over a year. I could never manage more than about a page before I became unconscious. It is the most soporific volume I've ever read, and I recommend it only as an infallible aid to sleep. I plan to donate my copy to the WFMU station library.

Happy Kitty Bunny Pony: A Saccharine Mouthful of Super Cute, by Charles S. Anderson Design Co. with text by Michael J. Nelson (2005, Harry N. Abrams, Inc.) Did you believe me when I said I bought a book with this title? I got it to cheer myself up, and because looking at it doesn't require any thought process whatsoever. There are pictures of kitties and bunnies and ponies, and some duckies, too, though I recommend caution when purchasing books that are authored by a Co. Michael J. Nelson turns out to be one of the guys on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Sometimes he's funny, and sometimes--especially after the first 100 pages of cute pictures of kitties, bunnies, ponies, et cetera--he sounds like he's trying a little too hard. I don't exactly regret buying it, but it is the only book I've ever tried to get Sluggo to store on his bookshelves.

Meditation as Medicine, by Dharma Singh Khalsa, M.D., and Cameron Stauth. (2001, Fireside.) One good thing about getting cancer is that it can make you more receptive to trying new things. In the first part of this book, Dr. Khalsa is very careful to explain kundalini yoga and meditation practice in terms of Western Scientists-and-Experts' research into the endocrine system, glands, the vagus nerve, neurological PET scans, spatial-temporal reasoning, and so on. Obviously, this is aimed at people who are really skeptical about mudras and chakras and whatnot. All I know is that I get up every day at 5 AM and take a cold shower anyway, so I figured I might as well try the rest of Dr. Khalsa's program. I had a very dramatic reaction the first time I tried the medical meditation for the immune system, and I felt really good all day. I'm still not sure what a chakra is, but I'm actually not sure what my thymus gland is, either--that doesn't mean either of them is nonexistent. Right now a new copy of the hardcover version of this book costs less than the paperback on Amazon.

Pet Architecture Handbook, by Tokyo Institute of Technology Tsukamoto Architectural Laboratory and Atelier Bow-wow. (World Photo Press, not sure what year.) This book is not by a Co., it is by an Institute. Or a Laboratory. Or an Atelier. Sorry I don't have a picture of it. It's  a collection of photos and brief descriptions of 73 wee, tiny, eccentric buildings--most of them commercial spaces--in Tokyo, plus project proposals for 8 more itty-bitty buildings. Sluggo gave me this book to read and, while it is cute and interesting, it puts me to sleep almost as fast as the book about the Masons and Washington, D.C.

Here is a book I read a long time ago, and talked about on my old book club show on WFMU: The Secret Life of the Lonely Doll. The author, Jean Nathan, is going to be at the Bryant Park reading room this Wednesday, August 10, at 12:30. I wish I could take my copy of the book for her to sign, but I'm still spending all my time indoors. I thought you might want to check it out, though. It's a really good book, and I think the paperback's just come out.

So that's the full report on my month of reading. Thanks for reading my blog entry, and may God bless.
-Bronwyn C.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Total Body Workout MP3s

(mp3s: 13 fully aerobicized mp3s below)

All those tales of groping and "rowdy Hollywood parties" couldn't stop Arnold's inexorable march to the governorship. Secret salaries for promoting over-the-counter steroids in muscle magazines haven't brought him down. Even his oft-quoted admiration of Hitler was a non-issue.

But Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents have overlooked the most embarrasing episode in Arnold's pre-political carreer  - the exercise record he recorded in 2000, Arnold Schwarzenegger's Total Body Workout.

Yes, more damaging than appearing pregnant in the movie Junior, more humiliating than the box office performance of Kindergarten Cop, Arnold's Total Body Workout record has him doing 12, 24, 36 reps of calf raises to It's Raining Men (MP3)!

Think about it. Calf raises to It's Raining Men. It could achieve what groping affidavits, over the counter steroids and Rob Reiner can only dream of.

Part One (Without Weights)

Save The Overtime For Me
(Gladys Knight and The Pips)
Don't Stop Believin'
(Journey)
867-5309/Jenny
(Tommy Tutone)

Radio News You Can't Use

PTC: Fuck, Buttsex, and S&M
After a few quiet months on the indecency front, the Parents Television Council (PTC) is back in business. The christian group responsible for 97% of indecency complaints received by the FCC has chimed in yet again: July’s targets were the Live 8 broadcast of The Who performing their classic song “Who Are You" and the Fox drama “The Inside” which airs at 9pm. S&M, buttsex, and “fuck” are put into question this time around. We’re hoping that the FCC does not take action on either of these complaints, and will shut down the PTC as it did earlier this year under Michael Powell. No decisions on indecency have been issued by the FCC since Kevin Martin was named Chair this March.

Good Parenting to Protect Kids from Indecency
Media heavy-hitters including Viacom, the RIAA, Time Warner, and the NCTA have formed a coalition called Pause Parent Play, aimed at taking parents to task on how their kids consume media. The PPP website offers a large database of advice demonstrating how parents can protect their kids from being exposed to questionable material in movies, video games, music, and on TV. Interestingly, none of the solutions offered by the PPP involve complaining to the FCC or elected officials about content. Active parental participation, now there’s a novel idea. However, we can be certain that the formation of this coalition was motivated by economics... read on.

Cable A La Carte?
Claiming that TV is “assaulting our children,” conservative lobby groups want cable companies to offer consumers the option of purchasing cable on a per-channel basis. Right-wingers insist that technology including the v-chip is not enough to protect their kids from being exposed to questionable material on TV. Cable providers have been quick to fight back, arguing that sites like PPP and TV Watch offer plenty of tips on how parents can filter TV for their kids. A la carte programming is the last thing the cable industry wants, so we can expect this issue to either heat up and/or completely disappear in the coming months. (An interesting aside: this interview with FCC chair Kevin Martin reveals that he is for a la carte cable)

America Disses Satellite Radio
80% of people surveyed by Eastlan Resources say they have no plans of subscribing to satellite radio in the near future. Another survey by New Paragon Media found that 97% of respondents listen to traditional broadcast radio, and over half of people now listen to internet radio.

From Wheels of Steel to Bars of Steel

Hi, radio fans, my name is Deb and I'm a Disc Jockey by trade. Maybe you've heard my radio show? I'm serving time in the Pen for stealing some blue eyeshadow from my local K-Mart. It sure can get lonely in lockup so I'd love to have a penpal. Write me, and I'll reveal my most recent playlist, and maybe we can trade Top Tens.

The recent jailing of WXRK's Crazy Cabbie had me wondering just what it is that attracts air personalities to trouble with the law. I found out that I'm probably in the minority of DJs because I haven't been caught doing anything that'd land me in front of a judge. From Tokyo Rose to pirate radio pioneers, more on-air voices have been caught up in legal scuffles than anyone can keep track of. Some recent cases include mic-hog Bubba The Love Sponge's tearful clearance of charges, and El Cucuy de la Manana, (translated: "The Boogeyman in the Morning"), arguably the most popular Spanish-speaking jock who's twice been in court for promoting the services of dangerously insane faith healers on his show. Some of these guys' troubles have to do with perceived invincibility and abuse of position. Like Kaiboni, a popular Zimbabwe DJ, or Stoney Berly Gibbs, an American club DJ in Germany. I think we radio folk should keep our noses clean and stick to trying to land our listeners in jail like Opie and Anthony or Goumba Johnny do.

My PD Upped The Spins On Celine And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

For radio geeks, this summer's hottest reading material isn't the latest Harry Potter book. No, it's the press release and accompanying e-mail correspondence [PDF] issued this week by New York State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer announcing the agreement reached with Sony BMG Music Entertainment to "stop making payments and providing expensive gifts to radio stations and their employees in return for 'airplay' for the company's songs."

Presumably, the reason "airplay" is in quotes is that in some cases, no actual airplay was given in exchange for the laptops, DVD players and "flyaways" that the Sony radio promo people were doling out. Sometimes, it seems, simply reporting airplay was sufficient even if the airplay itself never took place. But that's not even close to the most interesting aspects of this story.

For openers, one wonders why Spitzer decided to target the historically murky relationship between record companies and radio stations in the first place. There must be other nefarious practices taking place around the great state of New York that are having a more direct impact on residents' quality of life. Could it be that he thought that dropping names like Celine Dion and Don Henley would attract publicity that would help his 2006 gubernatorial campaign? Surely that can't be it.

The Racially Profiled Mugshot of Dorian Grey

Worried about your own potential for terrorism in America's airports and subways? Sooth your orange-level jitters at FaceAnalyzer.com, an online face photo analysis service that not only racially profiles you before you get a chance to get hassled by bored, underpaid security personnel at LaGuardia, but also decides what gender you are (in case you're confused), rates your "gay factor," lets you know how well you get along with "Boss Types" and "Drifter Types" and "Academics" (all three of which could easily be pipe bomb makers), and lets you know if you suffer from any personality disorders or rage problems.
    Submit a clear face photo (you ham!), and then you're ready for scrutiny! Oh yea, you have to register at the non-secured site first. Anyway, the binary panel not only judges you like the book cover you obviously are, but it also matches you up to other terrorist cells... oops, I mean "friend groups" so you can hook up with like-minded, free-floating agents who can equally fool security devices. You can all then get together for an explosive night in the city and paint the town red! So take your best surveillance camera-ready, racially-neutral face shot over to FaceAnalyzer.com, where the terrorist threat color code is always a pastoral shade of green, and your mug shot can be cast in a permanent tint of (Dorian) gray...
    I did a little experiment at FaceAnalyzer.com, I submitted two photos of myself...

A Week Imagined

If you're old enough to recall seeing the Beatles on Ed Sullivan (as I do), or If you remember when it was widely accepted that marijuana would soon become a nationally decriminalized (and ultimately legalized) substance, YOU know– the world HAS changed.

But no matter what age you are, you can turn the clock back a few paradigms and get a taste of that more daring and open era by watching a few episodes of the Mike Douglas Show-- Specifically by taking a look at a week of programs from 1972 when Douglas invited John Lennon and Yoko Ono to co-host his afternoon TV show.

Mike Douglas, former big band vocalist and all around affable guy, was no hipster. And his weekday program (syndicated nationally from 1965 to 1984) was produced by future right-wing media guru and now the head of Fox News, Roger Ailes. However, the world was a much different place 33 and a third years ago, and letting a former member of the fab four and his avant-garde wife take over your popular TV show must have seemed like a pretty good idea at the time. And the fact that Rhino has released the entire week as a box set of videos pretty much proves that the entertainment value of the unlikely match up of Mr. Douglas and the arty celebrity couple has actually appreciated over the years.

Through the week of shows, Lennon and Ono chain smoked their way through conversations with Ralph Nader, Black Panther Bobby Seale, George Carlin, Yippie Jerry Rubin and many others. Although he never pursued it seriously, Lennon had a natural talent for broadcasting (listen to him on the radio in 1974 here), and he has a blast playing talk host and bringing some pretty radical politics and ideas to a nationwide audience.

Patriot Action

Hello, Everybody—Nice seeing you again.

Some time ago—a few weeks, a couple months, I’m not sure–I noticed a big beige box in Grand Central Terminal near one of the information windows next to the big ramp that leads up to Vanderbilt Hall. The box was made out of sheet metal and had what looked like a stovepipe coming out of the top of it with a funnel-shaped cap on the top. I walked over to look at it, and it was humming away, making a noise like an air conditioner or a dehumidifier. “Checking for gas,” I thought. It just seemed obvious that it was some kind of Homeland Security machine to warn us when the Bad Thing happens.

A couple weeks later I saw some guys in MTA vests, accompanied by a cop, out in the middle of the main concourse at Grand Central. They had a funny little device set up on a table—it reminded me of those 4-armed things in physics class that spin around in sunlight, except this one was bigger and had some kind of paper tape printout spooling out of the bottom of it. So I walked over to check it out. “Excuse me,” I said, “But what is this thing?” The vest guys looked at me and looked at the cop. The cop nodded. “It’s to test the air flow in the terminal,” one of the vest guys said. Yeah, that’s what I thought it was.

A few days after that, all the National Guard soldiers and the MTA police in the terminal suddenly were walking around with bulky canvas pouches hanging from their belts. This was new equipment that they’d never carried before. Gas masks, I figured, so I asked. Yeah, that’s what they were. I have to wonder if all these studies and precautions are being taken because some security consultant just happened to think of it, or is it being done because there’s a real threat? I go through Grand Central every day—if it’s a real threat, then where’s MY gas mask? It seems like I can either go with the survivalists or with the even scarier folks who find gasmasks especially ... um ... interesting.

I’m a little skeptical about all these new “security” measures anyway. Like right after the first London bombings a couple weeks ago, the Port Authority cut off cell phone access in all the tunnels. They said it was to keep terrorists from setting off cell-phone-triggered bombs, but then everybody complained that it also kept regular folks from calling for help in case of an emergency, and a couple of big-deal security consultants were quoted as saying it was a bad idea, so then they turned the cell phone access back on. It made the whole thing seem like a panicky reaction to something happening 4,000 miles away rather than a well-thought-out security policy.

They followed that up with the new random-search policy. New York police are now stopping subway and bus passengers and searching their bags—without probable cause—supposedly at random. The Daily News sent out 5 reporters to check out the policy: Pete Donohue, Jego Armstrong, Jonathan Lemire, Veronika Belenkaya, and Tamer El-Ghobashy. Guess which one was the only one stopped and searched? In fact, he was stopped and searched twice. So random. At least it’s better than London’s Metropolitan Police policy of randomly selecting subway passengers to shoot five times in the head. And it turns out that the NYPD’s random searches are costing millions of dollars in overtime, so I’m betting they’ll be discontinued as soon as they can find a couple of big-deal security consultants to say it’s a bad idea. In the meantime, I've decided that I will decline to be searched. If the police stop me, I'll tell them I understand they're just doing their job, but that I believe the U.S. Constitution is supposed to protect me from unreasonable searches. I know they won't let me on the train, but, jeez, people have died to defend our freedoms, the least I can do is be late for work.

Grand Central has been patrolled nonstop by armed National Guard soldiers for a while now. The first time I ever saw them, I was getting off a train with an older guy, an attorney who lives upstate. “Look at the soldiers,” he said. “Aww,” I replied, “they don’t scare me.” He looked at me oddly. “They’re not supposed to scare you, Bronwyn,” he said. “They’re supposed to make you feel safe.” Well, it’s been a few years now, and I can tell you that it’s not working. Seeing soldiers with weapons and gas masks everywhere I go does not make me feel safer than I felt in the old days when National Guard patrols at the train station would have been unthinkable.

The basic assumption of democracy is that people are good. What do you get when the basic assumption is that any random person may be really, really bad?

Thanks for reading my blog entry, and watch your step.
-Bronwyn C.

Dubya Ringtones: Answer This!

Set you cell phone to presidential zinger! What better incentive to answer your phone as quickly as humanly possible than by installing one of these eleven ringtones, each comprised of the vocal stylings of our Commander in Chief, as remixed by WFMU's public domain audio elves.

To get these ringtone on your phone, you need a cell phone with online web access. Point your cell phones browser to this address. All Dubya ringtones are available for free in three ringtone formats, the most common one of which is 3GP. Only certain phones support MP3 and WAV ringtones.

Catapult The Propaganda
(musical version): Download (3GP | MP3 | WAV)
(shortwave version): Download (3GP | MP3 | WAV)
(spoken version): Download (3GP | MP3 | WAV)

"Third time I've said that. I'll probably say it three more times, see, in my line of work, you gotta keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in. To kinda catapult the propaganda." (Audio Unedited)

Fish Peace
(musical version): Download (3GP | MP3 | WAV)
(spoken version): Download (3GP | MP3 | WAV)

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." (Audio Unedited)

Headpop
(musical version): Download (3GP | MP3 | WAV)
(spoken version): Download (3GP | MP3 | WAV)

"You know, I, I hope, I, I dont wanna sound like I've made no mistakes, I'm confident I have. I'm sure something will pop into my head here." (Audio Unedited)

Totally Fresh: Download (3GP | MP3 | WAV)

"My answer to that question is, is that, again, I repeat what I said earlier, heh, the, the, uhm, heh, y'know, we were shooting cruise missiles, and, heh, they dont protect us from killers. Uh, y'know, as I say, you're, you're catching me totally fresh, hah, uh gosh, I, y'know, I, I would, I, heh, the, the, uhm, heh. (Audio Edited)

Dictatorship Is Easier: Download (3GP | MP3 | WAV)

"If this were a dictatorship, it's be a heckuva lot easier. Just so long as I'm the dictator." (Audio Unedited)

Gagging On The Donkey: Download (3GP | MP3 | WAV)

"Y'know (much stammering), Blacks are gagging on the donkey, but not yet ready to swallow the elephant" (Audio Edited, except for the last 14 words, which are 100% unedited.)

And Neither Do We: Download (3GP | MP3 | WAV)

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful. And so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people. And neither do we." (Audio Unedited)

Mucho thanks to Mark Smith for the idea and the help, and to The Professor for his help. Look for more ringtones here soon.

Take Warning

Sure, many disclaimers contain important information meant to preserve life, limb, and the American way, but let’s face it, we’ve long since passed a fork in that road and are now obsessed with stating the obvious. There are two more cases to add to the “if you spill hot coffee on yourself, you may get burned” file:

Soft drink disclaimers. Wait, back up the train, soda contains sugar?

Hillary’s outrage over Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. You can download a hack for the video game that shows cartoon sex. Big surprise. The game’s disclaimer reads as follows: Rated Mature, for ages 17 and older, due to intense violence, blood and gore, strong sexual content, strong language and use of drugs. ‘Nuff said, Hillary. And anyway, if you are so determined to see virtual peg-people gettin' it on that you go through the trouble of searching out and downloading a program that mods your video game, then by god, you should be rewarded for your efforts with some pixillated porn.

Hillary's Mad Magazine Metaphor

No sooner had I vowed to ignore all American politics unless cartoon characters were directly involved, than Hillary Clinton dared to compare President Bush to Mad Magazine's cartoon mascot, Alfred E. Neuman. "I sometimes feel Alfred E. Neuman is in charge in Washington," said the Senator during a speech in Colorado. Clinton later invoked Neuman's catch phrase, "What, Me Worry?" to great comic effect.

Republican reaction has been swift.

"If Bush is Alfred E. Neuman, your husband was Larry Flynt," roared Rush Limbaugh. (On his show, Limbaugh neglects to explain why he opts for the Larry Flynt comparison, rather than referencing the obvious cartoon character to make his point. The lascivious Pepe Le Pew or Foghorn Leghorn would have been more appropriate choices for a cartoon-based Bill Clinton metaphor.)

President Bush himself fired back, comparing Hillary to "Lucy" from Charles Schultz' Peanuts. "Much like Lucy, Senator Clinton is an annoying, bossy loudmouth," Bush said. "And she's always pulling the football away at the last second--only in her case, the football is the truth."

"Bush is Like Comic Book Idiot," read the headline in the Telegraph UK .

"At a time when President Bush and most elected officials are focused on the security of our nation, Mrs. Clinton chooses cartoon metaphors which utterly lack any cultural currency," charged Steven Stabile, chief GOP curator for the Cartoon Art Museum.

"Not only does Hillary Clinton obviously read Mag Magazine, she bathes nightly in the blood of Christian babies," alleged fellow Senator Rick Santorum.

It should be mentioned that Mad Magazine is great these days. Peter Kuper, Drew Friedman, Peter Bagge are doing art, and the writing is funny and excellent.

In order to qualify this post for our popular Cartoon Sexuality category, I am obliged to include this link as proof that there are probably people out there who are sexually attracted to Alfred E. Neuman, despite what Hillary Clinton may think.

Philatelic Hallucinations

It seems in times of political turmoil in small countries, culture takes shape. You might never imagine though, that it would evolve into a trash-culture wayback machine. If a nation's pride is mirrored by who is represented on their postage stamps, then the countries of Rwanda, Tuva and Mordovia to name a few have some serious self-esteem issues. Cases in point:

God Save The Queen (of rock n' roll, Stevie Nicks),

Alternative life-stylings of Xena, Warrior Princess,

Karakalpakia, in central asia, honors a great warrior,

Tupac Lives! (somewhere in the Russian Federation),

Say My Name! The Congo shows it's Bootylicious pride.

We Need More Fodder For The Cannons

I had another migraine-inducing experience at the Best Buy Secaucus today. I went in looking for a new receiver (my AKAI circa-1982 has died) - thinking I'd go the whole "home theater" route - and found nothing in a black finish. Everything's silver these days. WTF? Who declared silver the new black? Silver sucks as a finish for home audio components: I want something that disappears in the dark. But I'd already been to P.C. Richard and Circuit City (skipped 6th Ave. Electronics: heard bad things) and Best Buy was my last hope of having a new system in by the evening.

As I negotiated the aisles, trying vainly to shut out the utter cacophony, I found my progress blocked by a young family playing video games on a demonstrator. I couldn't squeeze past them so I turned left at the DVD section and found myself in the "gaming" area. I'd been focused on my receiver search but was now struck by the number of game titles and the people snatching them up. It's naive but I'm constantly amazed by the popularity of video games. It's a huge industry and - like pornography - the technology is cutting-edge. The latest innovations include Wi-Fi online play with multiplayer mode allowing up to sixteen others to join you in killing everything that moves. That's because most of the multiplayer games are "shooters", involving combat of one sort or another. It might be "Sword & Sandal" battle like God Of War (Even the immortals will fear death), set in ancient Greece, or a "Black Bag" scenario like Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six: Lockdown, (You hunt down a few terrorists, blow off some heads with your sniper rifle, and use night vision to stalk each other in the dark.) or - from the same company - America's Army: Rise of a Soldier.

The tagline for America's Army" - "Our Game Developers Don't Rely On Imagination." - plays up the fact it's "The Official U.S. Army Game". At the developer Ubisoft's website, part of the description reads: Built in partnership with the U.S. Army, this game offers the most true to life Army experience, allowing you to create a soldier and take him through the high risk excitement of an Army career (does that include returning home to reduced Veteran's benefits?). Intense single player missions and high adrenaline multiplayer action build the skills of your soldier and advancing (sic) him (apparently, there are no women in "America's Army") through his career . If it sounds like that was written by someone for whom English is a second language, it probably was: Ubisoft is a French corporation, with its North American headquarters in Montreal. It's nice to know our tax dollars help a French company "...ensure the highest level of realism in any military game in existence." But if Ubisoft enlists "Real Special Forces operatives (to) consult game designers." what does the Army get in return? Just the most realistic indoctrination tool possible...

Another Lionel Double-Shift

If you live within the radio reception realm of New York City, you might wanna check out Lionel today. (Or you can stream here.) He’s filling in for crusty old talk radio legend Bob Grant again on WOR (710 AM) from 4 to 6 this afternoon (broadcasting now as I write this post), and also doing his regular show which starts at 11 p.m.

It’s kind of a throwback to Lionel’s glory days when he took Bob Grant’s slot on WABC in the mid 90's. While it probably won’t be as wild and wooly as all that, it’s always entertaining to hear Grant’s rabid right wing callers interact with Lionel’s mischief. Today he’s taking apart the Bush speech from last night. Bob Grant must be rolling in his... Oh, I’m sorry. Bob’s still alive.

If you’re unfamiliar with Lionel, he’s a unique and slightly twisted talk host who I talked about at length in a post last month, which you can read here.

I was listening to Lionel’s show the other night and I almost thought I was back in Florida listening to Lassiter again. For a taste, here’s an mp3 of 2 calls from that show– a clueless Christian, and a drunk and excited Lionel fan.

I wish Bob Lassiter would fill in for Bob Grant every once in a while.

Victory for Fake News

In defiance of the FCC’s recent decision to lay the smack-down on Video News Releases (VNRs), fake news has risen from the ashes of near-defeat, unrelenting. A House panel failed to strike down an amendment that would prevent government agencies from producing fabricated news segments and articles using paid journalists.

This decision seems to contradict the FCC decision on VNRs (which are pre-produced faux-news pieces paid for and provided to TV stations by companies, organizations, and government agencies), where the issue raised was a lack of sponsorship disclosure. Some may argue that allowing government agencies to continue propaganda production is simply answering to the current marketplace demand for fake news.

Although critics of fake news point out potential dangers of this particular genre of information, the facts cannot be ignored: fake news fans are smarter.

Seek and Ye Shall Find

In an effort to document cases of liberal bias at PBS, a consultant was secretly hired by republican CPB Chairman Ken Tomlinson. Guess what he found? Liberals, you betcha.

The content investigation was more of a scorecard, rating guests on PBS programs as either “pro-Bush” or “anti-Bush” (after much debate, this dichotomy was found to weed out pinkos faster than a “pro-mayonnaise” vs. “anti-mayonnaise” analysis). Unfortunately, this seemingly failsafe lefty sniping method had an alarming loophole for false positives: conservatives who do not support the President on all of his policies. Poor old republican Senator Chuck Hagel (NE) was incorrectly painted red by the consultant, thrown into the liberal pile based on his views concerning the Iraq war, which do not precisely line up with W’s. If that doesn’t discredit the findings of this investigation, surely the consultant’s conservative ties will squelch any doubt concerning his true motives.

Just today, 16 senators have called for Tomlinson to step down from his position, while media watchdogs have issued separate statements in protest of Tomlinson's cursory selection process for the hiring of a new Chief Executive of the CPB (a decision is expected tomorrow, the leading candidate is former Republican National Committee Co-Chair Patricia de Stacy Harrison).

UPDATE (6/23): Indeed, Patricia de Stacy Harrison was just named the new President of the CPB. Read the announcement here.

The Persuasive Power of Public TV's Power Puppets

Bert and Ernie, the gay puppet power-couple most famous for cohabiting on the TV show Sesame Street, came to the nation's capital on Thursday to plead with The House Appropriations Committee not to cut their funding.

Today's New York Times covered the puppet's plea, which preceded the Appropriations Committee's vote to slash federal funding to National Public Radio (NPR) and the Public Broadcasting System (PBS) by fifty percent:

"What has happened under the committee proposal will be disastrous for public broadcasting as we know it," Representative David R. Obey of Wisconsin, the senior Democrat on the committee, said.

Another Democrat, Representative Nita M. Lowey of New York, held up Bert and Ernie puppets from "Sesame Street" as she urged lawmakers to restore the money.

But Representative Ralph Regula, Republican of Ohio, noted that "Sesame Street" receives little taxpayer money and could easily survive with the cuts."

Your puppets get one half of 1 percent of the money," Mr. Regula said. "So you can relax, Nita."

The 911 Operators

Almost everyone agrees, September 11, 2001 was a really lousy day in America. Thousands died horrible and violent public deaths– in airplanes, in burning and collapsing buildings, and by jumping out skyscraper windows. All of us around New York City who watched two of the tallest buildings in the world burn and fall will never forget seeing something macabre and previously unimaginable take place that morning.

It was easy to take it personal around here-- Photocopy posters everywhere bearing the photos of the missing, people spontaneously sobbing on the street on in the subway, and the sick smoldering stench that lingered around here for months. It wasn’t until weeks later that I realized that people all over the country were probably just as affected by the replaying of slickly edited movie-trailer style videos of the day's disasters on television. (You can download and watch a couple mpg versions here and here)

While the smoking hole downtown is gone and most of the mess was cleaned up years ago, the memory remains ugly, distinct, and powerful. And what’s worse, despite Bush’s promise to “smoke” out the “evildoers” responsible for all the American death that day, nobody has been caught or tried for those ghastly crimes. Sure, we were immedietly told the attacks were the work of a vast network known as “Al-Qaeda” led by a guy named Osama Bin Laden. but the billions spent there hasn’t been any fresh leads on capturing these alleged terrorist masterminds since our forces inexplicably let Bin Laden escape from Tora Bora over three years ago.

The FCC Wants You! (to do their dirty work)

In response to public outcry over paid programming messages that air sans sponsorship disclosures, the FCC has decided to rail against payola (click here to read the FCC’s payola factsheet). As with indecency complaints, the feds are relying upon citizens to report suspected violators.

This comes on the heels of a recent investigation of video news releases (VNRs), which are pre-packaged, pre-produced “news” stories (that sometimes employ actors as reporters) supplied to stations by private companies, organizations, or sectors of the government. It was discovered that many stations were airing these announcements unedited and without disclosing their source(s) or sponsors. Read more about VNRs here (PDF).

Mistrust of the news media is reaching new heights among the American public; bolstered by the recent Newsweek retraction and the lack of coverage concerning the Downing Street memo, this bug has even bitten public broadcasting, as NPR and PBS now face content investigations intended to weed out instances of bias. Earlier this week, the Supreme court overruled a 2003 FCC decision that would have allowed large broadcast empires to acquire more TV stations and newspaper companies to purchase broadcast stations (read the article here). Of course, all of this uproar over journalistic integrity and media ownership is diverting the FCC’s precious energy away from their rampage against indecency, and that's fine by us.

Detainees at Gitmo Being Forced to Listen to Christina Aguilera

What does Christina Aguilera have in common with  Barney The Purple Dinosaur, The Bobby Fuller Four, Matchbox Twenty and The Pretty Things? They're all included in that rarified playlist of recording artists approved for use in torture. The Drudge Report printed excerpts from a forthcoming article in Time Magazine which alleges that "interrogation" techniques at Guantanamo Bay include "Detainee #063" being forced to listen to the music of Christina Aguilera.

Simultaneous Conch Blowing in Kathmandu

A bourgeoning independent radio scene in Nepal was crushed last February, when the Nepalese government restricted all non-governmental FM stations to broadcasting only music. Recently the affected stations staged a protest which consisted of 45 stations simultaneously broadcasting conch blowing, and mailing broken radios wrapped up in Nepal's constitution to government officials. Article here. via nfcb listserv
UPDATE: The protest has moved into the streets.

Funding for Public Broadcasting on the Chopping Block

Public television and radio broadcasters may be facing major budget cuts. Yesterday, a House Appropriations subcommittee approved a bill that would chop funding for public TV and radio in half, and relieve the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB) of 25% of their annual budget (UPDATE: as of 6/23, the House has voted to restore the $100 million potential cut to CPB's 2006 budget; the vote will now go to Senate, which is generally more supportive of public broadcasting). Click to read the article.

Although this bill is not yet in its final incarnation, this decision does not bode well for public broadcasters. PBS and NPR have recently been targeted by conservatives: content investigations have been instituted, right-wing commentators have been added to the programming roster, and we won't even go into that whole uproar over the cartoon bunny interviewing a lesbian couple's kids... More on the changing public broadcasting climate available here.

Abu Ghraib - Is It Torture? Or Is It ART? You Decide!

Conceptual surrealistic photography through the ages: (above, figure 1.a) U.S. soldiers make a point by photographing themselves with naked Iraqi prisoners' bodies stacked in the form of a human pyramid, Iraq, 2004. Contrast this with (above, figure 1.b) famed photographer Philippe Halsman making a point of complimenting Salvador Dali with naked women's bodies stacked in the form of a skull, in his portrait "Dali's Skull," New York, 1952.
(click to enlarge images)

The Bait Car Videos of British Columbia

In keeping with two great Beware of the Blog traditions, making fun of Canadians and overusing the F word, I present to you The Bait Car videos of British Columbia. Bait Cars are rolling, remote-controlled traps to catch car thieves and put 'em away. Is this some Totalitarian Canadian Nightmare? Have the Canucks actually out-Orwelled Old Glory?

No need to worry, we have plenty of Bait Car programs here in the USA. Over 100 police departments around the country use Bait Cars, which are decked out with satellite tracking equipment, remote controlled engines and door locks, hidden cameras and occasionally, expensive easy-to-steal stereo equipment as additional bait.

Of course, videos like this make the prospect of encroaching governmental entrapment so worth the gamble! In a Burnaby, British Columbia video called Oh No (streaming wmv file), a Canadian car thief is grooving to The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony when he realizes that he's the target of a dragnet. As he laments his predicament, he whines "oh fuck" and "oh no" to the music. Only when the police disable his car by remote control does he realize that he's driving a bait car. By the end of the video, you actually feel bad for this guy - no mean feat.

In the production entitled The Prayer (streaming wmv file), two young car thieves discover religion during a night of joyriding while listening to British Columbia's Finest Alternative Rock. These videos are amazing enough on their own, but the rock radio backdrops just make them perfect.

How long before the Security and Exchange Commission sets up a Bait Corporation Program? Don't hold your breath. Bait Cars are more fun. via fazed

Fucking USA Video

I don't think the North Koreans like us very much. This is allegedly a North Korean anti-American propaganda film which owes a lot to Team America. Quicktime video via robpongi (nsfw)

NYC Department of Transportation's Camera Corps

There are forty five cameras in the naked city. This is one of them.

The Art and Poetry of Fatal Facts

The US Department of Labor's Occupational Safety and Health Administration have collected and illustrated a collection of data about fatal industrial accidents. The descriptions read like some kind of demented poetry:

A contract employee
was assigned to sandblast
the inside of a reactor vessel
during turnaround activities at a petrochemical refinery

the contract foreman connected
the employee's supplied air respirator
to a hose containing what he thought was plant air

Instead it was nitrogen

Both hoses were identical except
for markings at the shutoff valve
The sandblaster entered the vessel
descended to the bottom
placed the respirator hood
on his head

and was overcome

Thanks to Evan Funk Davies

Soundtrack for Torture

MP3s: The More You Sell (retail motivational training from The Happy Listener's Guide to Mind Control) and Kris Jensen's Torture.

In November 2003, one of our DJs received this e-mail from a WFMU listener stationed in Iraq:

Hi, I'm currently deployed to Iraq and recently discovered your program. Since then My tank crew and I listen whenever we get the chance. The reason I'm writing is that we have been looking for anything we can find by happy flowers, not just because I think My Skin Covers My Body is the greatest record of all time, but also It's perfect for Psychological Warfare. Well, the only song we have here is Charlie Got a Haircut and we've used it so much, we can't stand it. Basically I wanted to check if you know somewhere we can score some Happy Flowers we can then load onto an Ipod to use on the Iraqis. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Testicles + Truth = Hope

On Tuesday, British MP George Galloway came before the U.S. Senate’s Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations to deny his alleged involvement in the Iraqi oil-for-food scandal. Instead of meekly defending his honor to the big bad senators, in his opening statement Galloway delivered perhaps the most powerful, eloquent and concise condemnation of the Iraq War that any group of war lovin’ American politicians has ever had to sit through. (Excluding the floor speeches of Robert Byrd, who may be eloquent and powerful but is rarely concise)

Wartime Lionel

Lionel is funny. And in talk radio these days, funny is hard to come by.

Sure, if you get your jollies hearing jokes about environmentalists, the poor, and the disenfranchised you probably can’t stop slapping your knee during the Rush Limbaugh program. But in general there’s not a lot of wit on talk radio lately. For the most part, the talk radio format has become a humorless void of political grandstanding and smearcasting. Blame the right wing morons for turning an entertainment medium into a barren kiosk of propaganda.

Lionel’s show originates from WOR-AM here in New York City, but it’s syndicated nationwide. In fact, the radio mega-corporation Clear Channel has been gradually creating new “progressive talk” stations, which feature Air America programming, and Lionel’s show is often tucked into the schedule. Which is strange in a way, because Lionel isn’t really a political talk show host at all.

He makes it clear on his show, he is NOT a liberal. However, he is most certainly a lawyer and an eccentric raconteur with a wacky vocabulary and an acid wit. On the side, he takes on a few stand-up comedy gigs too.

I’ve listened to Lionel for a long time, and traditionally he focuses his quirky intellectual laser beam on legal issues in the news, as well as sex and “news of the weird" kind of stuff. Actually, almost any topic is fair game. If it’s strange, titillating, or pisses him off, he’ll talk about it. But lately, Lionel is a little less lighthearted than he used to be. The war in Iraq and the war-promoting lockstep rightward march of talk radio has REALLY pissed him off. Yet, it seems to have made his show a little better. He may have the perfect temperament for relaying really bad news and trying to make sense of it.

Naked Streets

If you suspected that traffic lights were as much of a nasty authoritarian excrescence as the governments that spend your hard-earned money to install them, your views have been vindicated by an experiment in Europe (of course). According to this article in the Toronto Star:

The implementation in a number of European communities of what some have dubbed "naked streets'' has been hugely successful.

Urban planners in Holland, Germany and Denmark have experimented with this free-for-all approach to traffic management and have found it is safer than the traditional model, lowers trip times for drivers and is a boost for the businesses lining the roadway.

The idea is that by removing traffic lights, signage and sidewalks, drivers and pedestrians are forced to interact, make eye contact and adapt to the traffic instead of relying blindly on whether that little dot on the horizon is red or green.

Planners have found that without the conventional rules and regulations of the road in place, drivers tend to slow down, open their eyes to their environment and develop a "feel" for their surroundings.

In effect, every person using the street, be it an SUV owner or a kid with a wagon, becomes equal.

Dick Cheney's Skin Pores

If the idea of numerous local brothels or furry human music has got you a little to frisky for church tomorrow, go ahead and take advantage of Google image search’s most revealing feature for an instant buzz kill. It’s the ability to browse only high resolution images by clicking the "large" option in the upper right corner after a search. What you’ll find after a little browsing is all your favorite famous people in the kind of frightening detail once only available to their plastic surgeons. I’ve gone ahead and located (Warning, these are very big jpegs) Elvis Costello, Bill Cosby, Salvador Dali, Harrison Ford, former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien and current boogyman Dick Cheney for your viewing displeasure, but that's only the tip of the iceberg. I have a feeling that with HDTV becoming mainstream there is much more extremely disturbing wrinkle detail on the way, so go on and be the first amoung your friends to own the Steve Buscemi photo that's just gotta be out there.

Sonic Weaponry

It's long been known that various governments have sonic weapons in their arsenals, sound cannons that can be aimed at enemy troops (or in some cases, their own citizens). But now this video proves that European gameshow hosts have been experimenting with the same technology (windows video file, right click to download), often to devastating effect. via alldumb.com

Better Skies Through Chemistry

Clouds are so damn inspirational, all those rows and floes of angel hair way up yonder. Always something to look at. In fact, in recent years I’ve found the the sight of a stark blue cloudless sky to be a bit disconcerting. Maybe it’s the memory of the morning of September 11th, 2001 around here. Not a cloud in the sky. Just one big plume of smoke. 

Not to worry. Looking up, I’ve been observing many a threatening clear sky has been fluffed up by some thoughtful planes. Have you ever noticed too? Sometimes a deep blue morning sky turns into a criss-crossed haze by mid-afternoon, all thanks to some kind of airplane “exhaust.”

The picture here, as well as these shots here and here, were all taken late aftrnoon in Brooklyn last Sunday. And here’s one of the planes in action that day, lacing the sky with some feathery manmade garlands.

Sure it’s pretty, but what’s really going on here? Art? Darned if I know.

Bring Me The Video of George's Jig

Dubya apparently wiggled his hips in Tblisi, Georgia last night, at least twelve hours ago, and still no video! At least I couldn't find it yet. And George's jig was (appropriately) televised on Georgian television over and over last night. The internet was supposed to make all embarassing political moments available to the entire world immediately! My kingdom (or at least a few CDs) to the first commenter who can link to video of yesterday's Georgian jig. Remember Dubya's dance with Ricky Martin at the first inaugural? While searching, I did stumble across this video about an extraterrestrial puppet who really likes Jesus (Quicktime video of The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson Show).
UPDATE: Listener Jeff found and edited the video of george's brief jig. Right click here to download windows video file. Thanks Jeff!

You Drive Me Nervous

What the hell is going on here? I would understand if Putin's steering wheel were on the other side...

Network TV Ready to Rumble

PTC, your days are numbered...

Broadcast giants Fox, CBS, and NBC have all teamed up to create a special interest superpower whose mission is to obliterate government control of TV content.

The group, TV Watch, pulls at the heartstrings of Americans who want the government to butt out of their lives. Finally some real money is being tossed in the ring to fight against tightening indecency standards. Let the games begin...

I Can Hear for Miles and Miles

Ohhhh, you so sneaky.  I hear your little buzzy buzz bird motor.

[via Tuning]

Something About Livestock

MP3: German language version of the Mr. Ed theme by Ralf Paulsen

Here I am, tiptoeing around the minefield of federal language laws during the most severe FCC crackdown in history, and the first lady's all over the TV, making jokes about the president jerking off a horse! And it's not the first time that the notion of hammering away on a big old slab o' horse cock has been granted this special legal exclusion. Just last November, the FCC ruled that the Fox television show Keen Eddie was AOK, despite its scene of a prostitute jacking off a racehorse.

Now granted, the FCC's decision on Keen Eddie was an agonizing one to make. The vote was 3-2, in favor of Fox, with Michael Powell casting the decisive vote, and we all know what a fan of horse racing he is.

The Homosexual Energy Agenda

A few days ago, the satiric site The Swift Report ran a funny piece about Bush blaming high energy prices on, you guessed it, those gas-guzzling homosexuals. There was one group for whom the satire wasnt quite far fetched enough - Dubya's conservative brethren. Matt Drudge and Andrew Sullivan both believed the story and linked to it as an actual news item, and Rush Limbaugh said on the air that he didn't know if the site was legit or not, but if it was, those evangelical Christians had better chill out.

Conet Project MP3s

Hard core WFMU Listeners are probably familiar with The Conet Project, a four CD set of shortwave recordings of "Numbers Stations." Now the entire set can be downloaded directly from Irdial, here. Numbers stations have been used by various international spy agencies to communicate with the agents in the field. A typical numbers station will repeat an endless series of numbers, only a tiny portion of which actually carry any meaning. It's the needle-in-a-haystack approach to secure encryption. Via One Man Safari.

Imagine...

Dubya singing Imagine and Walk on the Wild Side (MP3). Here's the collection it came from. More Dubya remixes here. Thanks to Listener Michael.

Pray For Refreshment

Want to pray for President Bush but dont know where to begin? Just click here for the Presindential Prayer Team's website, which provides up-to-date prayer guidelines pertaining to the prevailing agenda and itinerary of the executive branch. It's kind of like buying one of those books of sample lottery numbers if you can't think of a lottery number of your very own. On the President's current prayer agenda: praying for "refreshment" at the presidential ranch in Crawford, Texas, and praying for the removal of roadblocks standing in the way of confirming capable judges, whatever the hell that might mean! And be sure the check out the Presidential Prayer Team radio spots, including this one (MP3) about how God protected George Washington despite being shot four times! You could become immortal too, if you would only join the Presidential Prayer Team!

Say what?

Last week, our fearless leader was asked if he supported extending the FCC's indecency standards to cable and satellite TV during a conference for the American Society of Newspaper Editors. Bush's response: "Yes, I'm for that. I think there ought to be a standard. On the other hand, I fully understand that ... the final decision is a parent turning off the TV."

The White House puppetmasters were quick to jump in, claiming that the President "misspoke," that he was actually referring to some other bill that passed last year, and not the IGEVBCA (new indecency bill that ups fines, and ropes cable and satellite TV into FCC's corral).  But of course. In any case, this backtracking is slightly promising, indicating that the White House fears the wrath of cable/satellite lobbyists. We're hoping that the Senate is also feeling wishy-washy on the subject; if we're lucky, they'll kill the IGEVBCA when it arrives for a final vote.

A Public Service Announcement

The best public service announcement we ever received was this one here (MP3 download), which was mailed to every radio station in the country by Donald Wildmon's American Family Association, which apparently still harbors fantasies of liberal gestapo squads shoveling heaps o' Bibles into the secular humanist bonfire. No word on whether this magical piece of radio theater generated the million signatures they were aiming for.

After that, the silver medal for funniest PSA has to go to Father Harry, God Squad.   I dont have the record handy, but the streaming realaudio is here. It's a touching tale of a young boy who loved his mother so much that he was forced to cut off his hands. Or should I say hand. Since he already lost the first one in an unfortunate fishing accident.

The Mexican government has a tradition of printing up public service posters with wonderful artwork portraying the hazards of Alcoholismo, La Prostitucion, the scourge of Drogadiccion and Los Problemas Sociales in general.

While no satire can top Donald Wildmon or Father Harry, that doesn't stop people from trying. Ebaum's world remixed a batch of GI Joe video PSAs, which earned them a Cease and Desist letter from GI Joe's parents. And then there was Evolution Contol Committee's We Will Rock You PSA (Streaming Realaudio).

But the ultimate Public Service Announcement - the Holy Grail for PSA hunters - is an Arthur Godfrey clip which was recorded at the behest of President Dwight Eisenhower during the height of the cold war in the mid-Fifties. Godfrey recorded an announcement which was to be aired only in the event that the US was attacked with Russian nuclear weapons. After all, who better to calm raw, irradiated nerves than the man who sang that great paean to abused women, Slap Her Down Again, Paw!

The Happy Listener's Guide To Mind Control

Back in the waning days of the Cold War, I made a cassette compilation of corporate, religious and political propaganda called The Happy Listener's Guide to Mind Control, and I offered it to donating listeners as a fundraising tchotchke for our 1991 fundraiser. Fifteen years, one new world order and countless layers of Orwellianism later, the MP3s for the Happy Listener's Guide found me, so I'm hypnotically compelled to offer the contents up once again, free of charge this time. Thanks to whoever took the time to rip them!

F'ing Example

In case all this FCC stuff has left you wondering just how to use the word fuck properly, here are two examples which showcase it's wide variety.

The first is a song created by North Korea to express their dissatisfaction with the USA for, among other things, stealing a gold medal. Hear the MP3 or view the video for a translation.

Second is a track from H. Jon Benjamin (friend of The Best Show) and is "like fucking perfectly fucking perfect and great and fucking great". Download the MP3 or experience the video.

Shoe-Fly

Let us presume you are a gent of distinction who does his jet-setting in this, the post-Richard Reid era, and your name is, say, Mohammed Asif (or perhaps it is Ted Kennedy). Or mayhaps you simply cannot abide the increasingly gauche aspects of what was formerly called airport hospitality, such as the tackiness, nay, the sheer unsporting tenor of the boorish requests to doff your footwear at the behest of the Transportation Security Administration. Well, fret not, gentle reader, for the skilled assemblage of fine cobblers at Johnston & Murphy have managed to extract every last ounce of worry from your sky-travel experience with a revolution in foot and flight protection. (Please continue reading this announcement to learn how you can assist our government, with no sacrifice on your part, by purchasing a mere pair of shoes. But to mislabel these shoes mere is tantamount to referring to the Hope Diamond as "an old bauble" or to the Colossus of Rhodes as "a cute little statue.")

Perchance the Caldwell Venetian (pictured above) catches your keen, discriminating eye? Or is the Hopkins Side-Gore more befitting a man of your rarefied tastes? Both these models, and many more lovingly displayed in this caring company's Spring 2005 Catalogue, are vouched for by Messrs. Johnston and Murphy with the following seal (pictured right) digitally affixed in proximity of the appropriate shoe depiction, guaranteeing comfort, safety and convenience to both you, the weary traveler, and your distinguished compatriots traversing the wild blue yonder. So keep this handy tip in the forefront of your mind: The acquisition of just one pair of these finely wrought slip-on shoes (one daren't call them loafers), available in a vast array of sizes, styles and colors, a few within the reach of even the somewhat common man, strikes a victory blow to skyway terrorists lurking on our airships and jet clippers as well as to those who choose to instead hijack fashion.

Sue your leftist totalitarianism dictator professors

Florida bill aims to control "leftist" profs ... Could let students sue for untolerated beliefs.

Republicans voted 8-to-2 along party lines to pass "The Academic Freedom Bill of Rights" that aims to stamp out "leftist totalitarianism" by "dictator professors" in the classrooms of Florida's universities.

Students who believe their professor is singling them out for "public ridicule" - for instance, when professors use the Socratic method to force students to explain their theories in class - would also be given the right to sue.

Rep. Baxley suggested a student should sue if a professor asserts that "Evolution is a fact."

Rep. Gelber warned of lawsuits from students enrolled in Holocaust history courses who believe the Holocaust never happened.

Suits could be filed by students who don't believe astronauts landed on the moon, who believe teaching birth control is a sin, or by medical students who refuse to perform blood transfusions and believe prayer is the only way to heal the body, Gelber added.

Full article text: http://www.alligator.org/pt2/050323freedom.php
Related article: http://www.thenation.com/doc.mhtml?i=20050404&c;=1&s;=jacoby

Thank You Ted Stevens

The very influential and powerful Senator Ted Stevens has said that the FCC is doing such a great job enforcing the broadcast airwaves, that they should also start policing cable TV and satellite radio, (where they currently have no jurisdiction to regulate "indecent" speech). All it would take is a congressional act to give the FCC the power to start censoring HBO and Sirius Satellite Radio, to name a few services that would see their first amendment rights reigned in. And guess what - there is a congressional act just laying around - it's called the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act (BDEA), and the House passed it's preliminary version of the bill 389-38 on February 16th.

So why am I thanking Senator Ted?

Because if he tries to extend the FCC's censorship to the cable and satellite industries, he will torpedo the BDEA's chance of ratification. This is what happened to the BDEA last year, when various Senators attached FCC ownership rules to the original censorship legislation. There was so much opposition to the FCC's corporate welfare program (aka "ownership rule reform") last year (on both sides of the aisle ) that the BDEA got bogged down.

I've got my fingers crossed that Stevens' attempt to extend censorship to paid subscription services will be similiarly unpopular by both groups of idiots in the House and the Senate, thereby torpedoing BDEA '05. Here's hoping!

Cussing More Expensive Than Radioactive Waste

Rolling Stone magazine has confirmed what I had long suspected - that the FCC's language fines far exceed other governmental fines. The largest fine levied by the Nuclear (pronounced Nucular) Regulatory Agency last year was $60,000. The largest FCC fine? 1.2 million dollars, for Fox's "Married By America" bachelor party episode, in which all the bad words were edited out, and all the boobies were pixillated. A few years back, this 45-second-long ditty by Monty Python (MP3 download) garnered a $25,000 fine from the FCC, despite the fact that that the worst language in it is the phrase "Sit On My Face." And this was in the old days, before millions of American children were traumatized by being exposed to Janet Jackson's pasty for 11/32nds of one second.

A few weeks ago, I did my own brief survey of federal fines and came up with this list of non-FCC fines imposed by the Federal Government, so you can get some perspective on the current proposed laws to increase the fines for naughty phrases to half a million bucks each:

$10,000 for killing a Whooping Crane.

$54,500 for releasing anydrous ammonia into the environment.

$55,000 for illegally travelling to Cuba.

$70,000 for mishandling and mislabeling hazardous chemicals.

$116,000 for improper disposal of flammable materials and other violations.

$133,000 for exposing employees to infectious diseases.

$1.2 million for broadcasting pixillated boobs (FCC).

Let the Evil Spore

"Have you heard the song?  It really sucks."

On February 25, 2002, untold bags of Cheetos® in high altitude groceries burst from the sudden decrease in global air pressure brought about by a zillion simultaneous gasps of people realizing the Attorney General of the United States was demonstrably, incontrovertibly batshit fucking bananas.

Tribute to Thompson: Tribute to Nixon

Fans of blistering invective, this is for you: Counterpunch yesterday reprinted this, um, tender obituary of Richard Nixon written by the recently departed Hunter S. Thompson shortly after Dick's death in 1994. I may be wrong, but I get the impression that Thompson didn't like the man very much. Wow.

Link to HST article

Broadcasters May Challenge FCC Definition of Indecency

After years of unclear rulings concerning various curse words, sexual innuendo, cartoon and non-cartoon butt and boob exposure, etc, the FCC may actually be forced to clarify the term "indecent." The current definition of an indecent broadcast, according to the FCC is anything "patently offensive" that describes or depicts "sexual or excretory organs or activities."

The 2 cases likely to hit the courts include Bono's utterance of the word "fucking" during the 2003 Golden Globe Award show (aired on NBC) and the episode of "Married by America" that aired a pixillated segment where men in underwear were slapped by strippers and whipped cream was licked off the chest of a woman (on Fox).

In the Bono case, NBC was not fined for the broadcast, but the FCC issued a reprimand stating that the word would no longer be tolerated, when in the past nonsexual uses of the word "fuck" had been overlooked. Directly contradicting this decision, ABC's broadcast of "Saving Private Ryan," which contained 21 instances of the word "fuck," did not come under fire. Fox, on the other hand, was slapped with the single largest indecency fine ever (1.2 million dollars) for the suspect episode of "Married by America."

Read the L.A. Times article.

CSI: Audio

If you treasure audio like some of us do at WFMU,  you would think Coppola's The Conversation would be the apex of dorkdom rising from the darkest realms of the recording world. But that shit is soo '74.

I haven't really kept up with how Hollywood has been portraying those in the business of "audio forensics". We hear alot about surveillance nowadays, but that was only part of Harry Caul's (Gene Hackman's character) job in The Conversation. The real meat of his job and of the film came from the decoding of the recorded information.

Now that magnetic recording devices have been relegated to the status of artifact , one wonders if Harry Caul would get as much female action in 2005 without having to roll around on a dusty warehouse floor, wrestling with yards of tape surrounded by tractor wheel sized reels. The audio forensic scientist in this day and age likely has a flat ass and an oversized forearm from sitting in front of a Mac with his digital editing software for hours on end.

A company called Computer Audio Engineering is one of the cutting-edge places out there in the business of decrypting audio for clients like the U.S. Department of Justice, insurance companies and defense lawyers. They perform services like "intelligibility enhancement" and "event sequence analysis", stuff I never would've imagined could be so sensitively disseminated. They also do good old fashioned telephone recording, of course with a digital retrieval system, duh!

Here's descriptions of their services, which I assume represents technology offered by similar firms out there. So if you're a Junior Dick with an ear for the ghosts in the machine you might want to investigate the possibilities in this field.

ADDENDUM-de-dum: Gorge yourself on audio geekdom, including flawed experiments and stupefying mp3s over on The Science of Sound blog!

TV Piracy on the chopping block

Will the FCC manage, once again, to dictate how TVs are made? A group called Public Knowledge is challenging a new FCC regulation meant to prevent the sharing of TV programs over the internet. The hearings begin in the U.S. Court of Appeals tomorrow.

If the courts side with the FCC, the new rule would require the addition of a “no-no” flag to all digital TVs (and all other consumer electronics that are able to receive these digital signals over the air) made after July 1. This flag would prevent any content from being distributed to non-“no-no” flag compliant devices.

Of course, this won’t prevent the 95% of us who do not own digital TVs from pirating away.

Link to Wired News article.

UPDATE: A law student blogger attended the hearing today (2/22/05) in D.C., and you can read his notes here. According to CNET, 2 out of 3 judges thought the FCC jumped the gun, as they had no approval from congress to implement this change.

Nazis In Your Town

I grew up on the south shore of Long Island (they capitalize it there: South Shore), in a blue-collar Suffolk County town: Lindenhurst (formerly Breslau. changed in 1891 by the town elders). The German-American Bund marched through Lindenhurst in 1937. There's no discussion of how they were received but I'd guess it wasn't with derision and anger.

The Bund was big business, spending good American dollars with local merchants and vendors. In Yaphank, where they set up a rural retreat -  Camp Siegfried (after the Aryan warrior of myth ) - they'd meet every Sunday: thousands of German-Americans from as far as Ohio, riding the train out from Penn Station to enjoy the fresh air, engage in outdoor activities, eat picnic lunches and consort free of mongrel races.

New Jersey had its own retreat: Camp Norland, in Sussex County.  Howsabout your town? Nazis? Klan? Who are YOUR hometown racists?