Brown Couch

Extreme Societies

There has been a recent wave of new clubs started at Imperial. Today the Brown Couch takes a look at what they have to offer.

The Extreme Christian society (XCSoc) is a small club launched in February. It was formed in a response to the devastating loss suffered by the Christian clubs in the late-January pray-off. The initial 23 members were easily recruited from the existing Christian clubs using the slogans "Christ - Be The Best" and "99.9% of Christians need not apply".

The stated aim of the club is "To provide a stern enforcement of Christian ideals at Imperial". The Brown Couch asked the club's President, John Lauddon, whether this remit included physical violence. "The Christian clubs at IC have suffered criticism and abuse for too long. XCSoc promises to put a brutal end to this. We'll also be offering a spiritual correction for sinners at Imperial - as well as free biscuits on alternate Wednesdays."

XCSoc's first major event will be held over the Easter holidays. The President of the club has agreed to endure a two week crucifixion on Queen's Lawn. Scheduled to finish on Good Friday. The two week spectacle is hoped to raise the profile of the club and encourage new members to join. The 30-foot high cross will be erected in the centre of the lawn and remain for the entire summer term. "We were very keen to keep the cross visible after Easter. It should serve as a haunting reminder of my passing." said Mr. Lauddon, who is hoping to beat the current crucifixion world record. The current title belongs to a preacher from Alabama who lasted 9 days in the summer of 1994.

Another recent club is the Escort society. This was established by Rod, a Civil Engineering student. "I was fed up of going to the Union alone. I spoke to some of my friends and we decided to start the Escort society." The club uses its Union funding to hire external, female escorts. Weekly trips with different women are advertised to members on the mailing list. The trips take members to the Union bars where they spend their time flocked around the escort woman, buying her drinks and attempting small talk.

"When I came up with the idea, it was supposed to just be me and my mates. As it turns out, to get the union subsidy, the club must have over 20 members. The regulations also require that 40% of members must attend each event. This prevents the funding just being lavished on a few members." said Rod.

We asked one member of the club, who did not want to be identified, what a typical trip was like. "There's usually around 15 guys and 1 woman. We don't get enough union money to be able to afford more than one escort each week. Initially Rod tried buying two £30 escorts, instead of the usual £70 woman. Too many guys felt sick that night for him to dare try it again. My favourite lady is Donna - I think I'm her favourite. Usually I end up spending about £25 on Gin Sours for her - she's amazing."

The average age of the escort women hired by the club is over 40. This represents a compromise between quality and cost. Younger, more attractive escorts can cost over £1000 for 24 hours - well out of the budget of most IC clubs.

The Brown Couch has surveyed student opinions about the new clubs. A physics student said "I like the morally strict teachings of XCSoc, but I admit the Union is a tough place to find a date." When pressed upon this point, he further elucidated that "I have to admit that I'm a member of the Escort society. Although I don't have a favourite, the last trip was with Stacey and I really enjoyed it. At the end I was lucky enough to pick up her wig when it fell off."

The Brown Couch team would like more members to continue their excellent work next term and next year! Got a sense of humour and an eye for satire? Applications to browncouch.felix@googlemail.com