by DJ Gallo
Also Receiving Votes
- "Hare Jordan" (1992): Michael Jordan will even gamble with cartoons
- "Sports Heaven" (2006): Mobile ESPN is now also in the afterlife
- "Clydesdales Play Ball" (1996): Horses are like people. Oh, sweet Barbaro.
Oddities
- Odds on what Rex Grossman will say to the media next:
- 5 to 1 "It's frustrating when you all don't put much thought into it. There's no excuse for that … unless it's New Year's."
- 3 to 1 "You don't know what we're doing on offense. Or do you? Because if you do, please clue me in."
- 2 to 1 "I hope you all burn in hell. But I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way."
Not In This Issue
- Nick Saban: "What -- you can't quote bigots now?"
- Donovan McNabb jealous of the attention Andy Reid's sons are getting
- Steelers fans angry about having to update their Polamalu jerseys
- MEMORABLE COMMERCIALS FROM SUPER BOWLS PAST
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1
Pepsi: "Security Camera" (1996)
A Coke deliveryman is spotted by a convenience store security camera while trying to steal a can of Pepsi. Message to consumers: Only steal Pepsi from stores that are not equipped with security cameras.
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2
Xerox: "Monks" (1977)
A Catholic monk uses a Xerox copier to quickly make 500 manuscript copies that were assigned to him by the head monk. Message to consumers: Xerox machines are so good you'll use them even if doing so sends you to the eternal hellfires.
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3
Master Lock: "Marksman" (1974)
A rifleman hits a Master Lock padlock with a direct shot, but the lock does not break. Message to consumers: Do not shoot a Master Lock if you want to break into something. Instead shoot the person who owns the Master Lock.
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4
Monster.com: "When I Grow Up" (1999)
Children look into the camera and deliver such lines as: "When I grow up, I want to be in middle management." Message to consumers: Monster.com can help our children achieve their dreams of getting crappy jobs.
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5
Budweiser: "Frogs" (1995)
The croaking of three frogs in a swamp gradually combines to make: "Bud...weis...errrr." Message to consumers: Our tastes should be influenced by amphibians who eat nothing but insects all day.
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6
Apple: "1984" (1984)
An Orwellian meeting full of mindless drones is disrupted when a woman hurls a sledgehammer through a huge television screen that is airing directives from "Big Brother." Message to consumers: The future of our society is doomed, but if you decide against killing yourself now, consider buying a Mac so you can at least entertain yourself until the world ends.
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7
McDonald's: "Showdown" (1993)
Michael Jordan and Larry Bird play an improbable game of HORSE -- "Off the expressway, over the river, off the billboard, through the window, off the wall, nothing but net" -- with the winner to receive a Big Mac. Message to consumers: McDonald's food is full of chemicals that can give us superhuman abilities.
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8
Pepsi: "Sucked In" (1995)
A young boy sucks on the straw in his Pepsi and gets pulled inside of the bottle. Message to consumers: A bottle of Pepsi can trap, suffocate and kill children. Avoid the product at all costs.
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9
Reebok: "Terry Tate: Office Linebacker" (2003)
A hard-hitting linebacker doles out punishment around the office to those who fail to obey rules. Message to consumers: Do not hire anyone who wears Reeboks because they tend to be very anal and quite violent.
Friday February 2
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1
Dubai Desert Classic: 8:30 a.m., Golf Channel
Tiger Woods is getting $3 million just to appear, but we all know that his professionalism will still compel him to do his best.
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2
DJ Gallo chat: 1 p.m., ESPN.com SportsNation
I am getting $0 just to appear, but we all know that my lack of professionalism will … well, let's just say that I'll probably be chatting this afternoon in my underwear.
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3
Nets at Magic: 8 p.m., ESPN HD
Dwight Howard is dubbed "NEXT" on the cover of the current issue of ESPN The Magazine. Apparently Darko Milicic wasn't considered for the honor because he has already realized his potential.