Spark of Chemistry in a Romantic Relationship: Organic or Developed?

Ah chemistry, that romantic spark between a man and a woman. But what is chemistry? Is chemistry organic, something two people either naturally have or they don't? Or is chemistry something that is developed in a relationship as you get to know someone and grow to love them?

If you've ever experienced that elusive feeling we term as chemistry, you know what I'm talking about. It is a beautiful and powerful emotion. Chemistry as we call it, is the proverbial current of electricity between two people that can either make or break a relationship. Chemistry can take many forms but in all it's forms in connects people. Chemistry can connect people emotionally, intellectually or romantically, and at it's very best in all three ways.

Now, I'm not necessarily talking about sex here. I'm referring to a relationship between a man and a woman, preferably married. Romantic chemistry, is in it's very nature a very sensuous, sexual feeling. This romantic chemistry is part of how we select a mate, it's part of our nature. It's a natural, beautiful feeling that can bring us great joy.

Having chemistry between a man and a woman, when they are both unmarried, can be the difference between a relationship being romantic or platonic. We've all known people of the opposite sex we have cared about deeply, but did not feel this chemistry with even if everything else in the relationship was right. And because of this lack of chemistry no romantic relationship develops or a romantic relationship fizzles out. But on the other hand, sometimes this feeling gradually and unexpectedly develops between a platonic relationship between a man and a woman. Sometimes best friends become lovers.

Romantic chemistry also has a dark side, one that people seem to often ignore. We all enjoy the rush of feeling romantic chemistry, as it is natural. But, people often get caught up in the feeling of the first blush of love or sometimes just lust or infatuation.

Romantic chemistry can be one of the most dangerous and self destructive emotions if left unchecked. People will enter relationships with incompatible mates blinded by chemistry. Chemistry often seems to have the power to blind us. Chemistry is the reason the saying, "Love is blind," exists. Chemistry can make otherwise rational people ignore serious problems and issues in an individual and relationship. Chemistry often blinds people to warning signs that a person or relationship is not healthy or the right one for them.

Chemistry by it's very powerful nature also can cause people to act sexually impulsively or unwisely. Chemistry is part of the reason people foolishly have one night stands or relationships solely based on sex. Chemistry with a person you are not married to, or a lack of it between mates, can be part of the reason someone sexually strays outside a marriage.

If you are a married or otherwise committed person, you have to always be aware of the fact that even good, committed people who are deeply in love will unexpectedly feel chemistry with people they are not married to. It could be a friend or a stranger you unexpectedly feel this with in a decidedly non sexual situation. It does not make you a bad or immoral person, just human. But you have to have already decided in your heart that you will never, ever act on this feeling no matter how powerful or tempting it is.

While not one of them, I've known people who have cheated on their mates. They were often otherwise very good people, people you would never think would do this. But the one thing they seem to have in common is that they let their guard down and became too emotionally or physically comfortable with someone of the opposite sex that wasn't their mate. They allowed themselves to become too emotionally intimate with this person and this eventually led to physical intimacy. In their cases, chemistry became more important than reason and morality.

Do you remember the first person you held hands with? How about the first person you kissed? Do you remember the anticipation, the sexual tension you felt even if it wasn't a sexual situation in itself? It starts by holding hands, then hugging and cuddling, then kissing and then petting or fondling. It's a natural path meant to lead up to it's natural end, sex. But it was designed by God to be between a married couple committed to a lifetime together.

That's one of the reasons young people, or unmarried people have to set limits on how far is too far when it comes to physical affection. Personally I think that anything past kissing is inappropriate for young people or unmarried people. Call me a puritan, but I really believe that and would teach my children that. It's far too easy to get caught up in the moment and one thing naturally leading to another. Young people today miss out on so much by quickly jumping into precocious sexual behavior. Morality aside, they miss the simple pleasures and simple thrills of taking a relationship slowly.

When all you can do is hold hands or kiss it means more, every touch is magical and special. It makes me sad that young people miss so much of the beauty of the dance of flirtation. People cheapen sex and romance when they they rush into it or allow it to take place outside of marriage. We take the specialness out of romance and sex and make it a cheap common thing that doesn't mean anything more than meeting physical needs and desires when it is outside of marriage.

But chemistry in itself, is a tricky and complicated thing. We don't always get what we want or need when it comes to chemistry. I'll share some very personal examples with you. Years ago, when I was a teenage girl, there was a boy that I had known for years that I developed a very deep infatuation with. In my own youthful way I did love him very much. He was a very sweet, kind, handsome boy next door type. Even my own grandmother noticed and teased me about him liking me, she said he was always watching me and following me. I adored him as much as any girl can at such a young age.

Our parents would not allow us to date at a young age and we both knew that. We mostly only were able to see each other at religious services, leaving very little time together. We flirted in a modest but very meaningful way, with intense glances and smiles finding ways to be close to one another so we could briefly talk whenever we had a chance. Just to be in the same room with him was enough to make me happy. Just to smile at each other or talk briefly was pure bliss. We could look at each other across a crowded room and the meaning and affection in our eyes was always very clear, no words were ever needed. We both knew that we had to wait until we were older since our parents wouldn't have allowed our relationship until then.

Sadly, he had to move away due to some family issues. Almost 20 years later, I'll never forget the sadness in eyes when he looked at me across the room of our house of worship gazing deeply into my eyes telling me goodbye without saying a word. I was heartbroken. I cried and cried when he left. I dreamed of his return and when I was old enough to fully pursue this relationship.

Anyway, a few months later he returned to attend his older sister's wedding. I was giddy at the thought of seeing him again. I could see it in his eyes how much he missed me too. After the wedding when everyone was busy greeting the wedding party, we managed to have a few moments away from the crowd to talk.

He reached out and took my hand and covered it tenderly and gently with both of his. This was the most physical contact we had ever had. My heart was thrilled, I could barely speak I was so happy. With my hand finally in the hand of the boy I adored, something odd happened. There was no physical chemistry. The chemistry between us was emotional but not physical. I felt nothing but a cold, clammy hand no electricity no fireworks between us. The emotional connection was real, but the physical connection was lacking. Sadly, we never spoke or saw each other again due to living across the country from each other. Would we have eventually have had chemistry and had a good relationship, who knows?

On the other hand, sometimes chemistry between people comes when we least expect it and with whom we least expect it. Another deeply personal example. One of my best friends had two older brothers. One was incredibly arrogant and cocky, and I thoroughly disliked him. The older brother was brilliant, sensitive and easy to talk to. We became instant friends. It was obvious that he liked me, but I was not attracted to him. He wasn't my type at all although I loved him dearly as a friend. Through most of our friendship my heart was always with someone else or I was involved with someone else. To me, my friend's brother was just a friend, although a dear one.

My friend's brother was constantly flirting with me finding ways to talk to me or be with me. We genuinely enjoyed each other's company. Through the years as we progressed through our late teens he became bolder. He would constantly find ways of touching me in modest but tender ways. He would find ways to briefly but pointedly touch my hair, my hands, my shoulders, occasionally my knee and neck. The touching itself was not overtly sexual, it was friendly and affectionate but had a very deep sensual overtone to it.

The interesting thing was, we had chemistry between us both emotionally and physically. I did not desire this chemistry with him, I didn't think of him romantically, but it couldn't be denied. It was what I wanted it to be with the other young man. When my friend's brother touched me it felt like fire, even the simplest touch. It wasn't like, "Oh a boy is touching me." I had been touched modestly and danced with boys before and did or did not feel chemistry with various boys. I was a nice girl who behaved chastely, but I know when I did and didn't feel a spark with someone.

But with him, it was different. I didn't love him, but I could just feel the chemistry and heat between us in a physical way. Literally he could make me blush by just touching my shoulder. Just a simple seemingly modest touch felt like the most sensuous and illicit caress. In a crowded room or building, I might not even know he was there but with my back turned and no way to see behind me I could FEEL it when he was within two feet of me. Literally I could feel it, like physical heat. He had a habit of coming up behind me and surprising me by touching me. He could reach out to touch my shoulder and I would know it was him before he touched me even though I couldn't see him. Years later as a grown married woman, I am amazed at the chemistry we had between us. I can't explain it, I didn't ask for it, but it was amazing and very real and very special.

I knew he wanted more from our friendship than I was ready to give. I broke his heart a few years later when I chose someone else. We managed to get through this in our friendship, but it was hard. I adored him as a friend. There was a point in our late teens when I was romantically free that I was beginning to actually fall in love, not infatuation, with him. I was finally ready to explore our friendship as a romance.

But things didn't work out between us, it's a long and complicated story. He had some very serious personal and emotional issues that he had been hiding from me and everyone else, including his family, for many years. Right as we were about to become romantically involved, he stepped back from me emotionally because of these issues. I know that he realized he would only hurt me now that he could finally have me.

In 15 years, I've seen him only once and he is so very different from the person who was once my friend. Even his own family feels that he has become a stranger making choices and living a lifestyle that they do not approve of and that are destructive for him. If I had married him, it would have been beyond a disaster because of his personal issues, chemistry between us or not. So you see, chemistry can not make up for serious issues.

Now for my final example, again sometimes we develop chemistry. I ended up marrying one of my best friends. We had never had any chemistry together until one day, we suddenly developed it. I had had my wisdom teeth out and had swollen chipmunk cheeks and he reached out to touch my check and in that second I felt everything change between us. We've been married for almost 14 years now. Just like any couple, that initial blush of romantic chemistry dies down into something deeper and calmer. It becomes a deep love, affection and trust. Instead of feeling the sexual electricity of a new relationship, you end up feeling deeply comforted by your mate's touch. There are some feelings even more powerful than chemistry.

So what do we learn from chemistry? It is a powerful force that we have to treat with respect and acknowledge the power of both for the good and for the bad. We cherish chemistry, from the first rush of a new relationship to the couple that's been married 20 years and still can't keep their hands off each other to the little old couple walking hand in hand in the park.

Can we have a relationship, even a marriage with someone we don't have chemistry with? Yes, but something vital and very special would be missing. Will chemistry develop between two people who love each other sincerely but don't feel it organically? Maybe, but maybe not. If you don't feel it in that first touch, that first hand holding or that first kiss, you may never feel it in a lifetime with that person. Or they may surprise you by going from being to your friend to the love of a lifetime. It's just hard to say.