Jaci Stephen: Ultimate insight into the week’s Christmas soaps

By Jaci Stephen for MailOnline
Updated: 05:22 EST, 18 January 2011

The past 12 months could well go down as The Year of Living Dangerously.

Unprotected sex; road, rail and boating accidents; drugs; incest; fires and, in the middle of it all, people still risking their stomachs in Coronation Street's Rovers Return – yes, Betty's hotpot survived another year on the menu. As always, sex was central to most storylines.

In EastEnders, Ryan turned out to be the father of Stacey's baby, while it looked as if Jack might turn out to be the father of all the other babies who have arrived in the square since he made Walford his home. 

Drama: In EastEnders, Janine is prevented from carrying out a murder by the arrival of Pat, to whom she confesses all

In Emmerdale, Maisie and Ryan almost slept together before discovering they were half-brother and sister, while Carl stayed true to type and slept with newcomer Eve. Steph gave birth in Neighbours (father Dan, not her boyfriend), Molly gave birth in Coronation Street (father Kevin, not her husband), and also in the Street, Fiz awaits the birth of her baby (father, husband John, but a man with more secrets than magician David Copperfield's diary). 

I've mentioned more than once that nobody in soapland should bother to ask their doctor about birth control, as clearly no one has any idea how to exercise it. Beds have come to play a minor role in sexual activity, too, with most couples preferring pub furniture

(The Joinery in Coronation Street), pub toilets (Emmerdale's Woolpack, EastEnders' Queen Vic) and cars (EastEnders' Phil's motor – one of the few vehicles that ever makes it out of his garage).

That other biggie, death, was again prevalent in a year that saw more accidents than the international average. Coronation Street's tram crash topped the list as being the most dramatic, and the Australian soaps continued their run of car accidents. Has anyone ever made it from A to B in an Australian soap without crashing or being eaten by a dingo en route?

I suspect not. At least there was good news (depending on how you look at it) on the death front in Hollyoaks, when Warren turned out not to be dead after all. Shades of Dallas' Bobby Ewing 'resurrection' there.

Keep making the wreaths, though. I am sure the Grim Reaper will be as popular in 2011 as he has always been.

CORONATION STREET
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY? FAT CHANCE

'Twas the week before Christmas... Dearie me, and what a week. Whatever happened to chocolate Santas, glittering baubles, mistletoe and wine? Instead, the locals have had to endure an explosion, a tram crash, and a whole load of rigor mortis they hadn't bargained for. Deck the halls with boughs of holly?

You must be joking. It wouldn't stand a chance trying to find its way in among the wreaths. It's going to be an even less happy Christmas than normal in Weatherfield, and on Monday the residents are coming to terms not just with the physical devastation caused by the crash, but the emotional fall-out, too.

As secrets and lies abound, one parent goes into meltdown, while another is thrown out of the family home. Maybe they'll come up with a festive phrase for such an event – the black turkey of the family, maybe. 

Comeback: You won't keep Tracy quiet by shoving a turkey drumstick in her gob

As yet another funeral is held (a really good week for local florists in the build-up to Christmas), there is discomfort for one resident who knows the truth behind the person's demise. And on Thursday, another family is forced to question their future in the aftermath of the traumatic night. So, is there any Christmas cheer?

Well, a little on Christmas Eve, when Tracy arrives back, her killer heels arriving on the cobbles like a set of carefully manicured reindeer hooves.

Apparently, the forensics' expert who testified against her was a bit dodgy and all his cases have been brought into question; so, Tracy has appealed against her sentence and is out on bail. Desperate to be reunited with daughter Amy, she heads for the Rovers but immediately ends up in a slanging match with Becky.

It's Amy I feel sorry for: I think she's had one Christmas present in five years, and the paucity of her sack doesn't look likely to change this year, either. On Christmas Day, as the Rovers prepares for its party, Tracy ensures that Steve and Becky have the worst Christmas ever, when she threatens to reveal that the pair 'bought' Max.

Something tells me you won't keep her quiet by shoving a turkey drumstick in her gob, Steve.

No sign of Christmas: the only thing on anyone's mind in Erinsborough is the court case

NEIGHBOURS
NO SEX? NO DEATH? IT CAN’T BE CHRISTMAS

Australian soaps never enjoy Christmas at the same time as we do, so on Monday, the only thing on anyone's mind in Erinsborough is the court case.

On Tuesday, Toadie plans to blame Steph's actions on post-nat a l depression, but despite her objections, she is still having second thoughts about giving up Adam. Oh, make up your mind, woman.

Is she ever capable of making a decision when it's a simple choice between A and B (men being the usual one)?

With the Lilliputian lawyer Sam sniffing around, on Friday it looks as though she might exploit the rift between Lyn and the Kennedys. Will Libby's secret be revealed?

EASTENDERS
KAT’S PICKLED – AND NOT IN THE USUAL WAY

Whatever happened to Baby Janine?

It's the question you have to keep asking, as Walford's resident psychopath turns ever more dangerous.

On Monday, she's in Ryan's hospital room, plotting all sorts of nasty things for him, but is prevented from carrying out a murder by the arrival of Pat, to whom she confesses. So what does Pat do? Call for the police? Suggest urgent psychiatric attention? No, she persuades Janine to go away, only to find, on Tuesday, that she has done no such thing.

Janine might be wishing she had on Thursday when, entering the Vic, she sees Ryan and Stacey declare their love for one another and seal it with a kiss. Er, that would be Stacey who killed Archie, then? Excuse me for saying so, Ryan, but haven't you merely switched cabins on the Titanic?

With Lauren also keen to get Stacey out of the picture, it's only a short time before Stacey's taped confession to Archie's murder finds its way into Janine's hands, and thus the wheels for an utterly miserable Christmas all round are set in motion on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day itself is a day of violence, false accusations and high drama, but there's not much evidence of chestnuts roasting on an open fire. In fact, you're more likely to see a couple of the locals blazing, to be honest. Having been sworn to secrecy about exactly what happens, I can't reveal too much, but let's just say there's a knife hanging around and the last thing on its mind is slicing the turkey.

The festive season will, however, be bidding farewell to Stacey, and the means by which she goes are very complicated – to be honest, even if I were allowed to reveal the information, I'm not sure I'd be able to simplify it sufficiently in the space allowed here. Elsewhere, on Boxing Day, there's an argument between Kat and Shirley at the Minute Mart over a jar of pickled beetroot.

Not the most exciting of plots, you have to admit, but in the middle of it all, Kat collapses in pain. Is she about to have the baby among the beets? After the chaos of Christmas Day, I think I'll be past caring.

EMMERDALE
IT LOOKS AS IF IT’S A CASE OF ‘STUFF YOU!’ FOR CARL  AND WE’RE NOT TALKING TURKEY

Phew! At last, in the week leading up to Christmas, we're having a bit of a break from Holly and her drug-taking. It's bad enough watching people's sweat fall into the turkey gravy, without having to see the same stuff pouring from the pores of Holly as she suffers withdrawal symptoms.

Chas, however, is sweating a bit on Tuesday, when Carl goes down on bended knee, insisting that he wants to do the wedding 'properly'. Perhaps in the same way he bumped off his father during his 'proper' wedding? 

The wedding is planned for Christmas Day, but will it go ahead, or will Carl find himself the wrong end of a turkey baster?

Let's hope not. It's a tough one, because, on Wednesday, Chas acknowledges that she has feelings for Carl, and on Thursday appears to be falling for him all over again.

The wedding is planned for Christmas Day, but will it go ahead, or will Carl find himself the wrong end of a turkey baster?

It's going to be a real cliffhanger, and Charity is dumbfounded when she sees Chastity walking down the aisle with Zak. I will be, too.

The fact that Zak is still capable of standing at all after the amount he normally consumes at Christmas is a miracle. There's also a Christmas chiller for Eric, when his mystery guest 'Elizabeth' fails to show. But just who is the secret figure watching from the sidelines?

Don't bet on a silent night, Eric.

HOLLYOAKS
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO FROWN. YES, THERE IS YET ANOTHER MURDER

When most families are busy discussing what time they are going to open the presents and what time they'll get home from the pub, only to discover the oven hasn't been turned on for the turkey, guess what Jason's parents are talking about?

Their difficulty in coming to terms with the fact that he/she likes to dress as a boy.

On Monday, they try to persuade him to do nothing rash until after Christmas (what are they hoping for? That Santa might convert him?), but the outcome is that Jason starts to self-harm.

On Tuesday, Bar t and Jason/ Jasmine share a tender moment . Their pleasure is short-lived when, after waking up together on Wednesday, Heidi decides that Jason/Jasmine has to go to a clinic.

Christmas Eve is a downer, when Nancy worries because India hasn't come home. Little does she know that India has been murdered. Is it just me, or is Nancy clocking up an abnormally high number of psychotic and/or dead friends? Chester's homeless also face a bleak festive period after the McQueens are forced to cook for the poor souls.