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One of the things I used to admire about BMW was the focus shown by its designers and engineers. They were the snipers of the car industry, lying in wait while the enemy blundered about with smoking tanks and faulty machineguns, and then, boomf, delivering a killer shot that never missed.
Once the company had stopped fiddling about with three-wheelers and converted post office vans, it developed a recipe that served it well for nigh on 30 years. All its cars had double headlamps at the front, a straight-six engine in the middle, and rear-wheel drive at the back.
There were, in essence, three body styles, five engines and a range of options, so the customer could indulge in a spot of pick’n’mix.
You could have a small car with a big engine and no equipment. Or you could have a large car with a small engine and electric everything. But whatever you chose there was a rightness to the feel of the thing. A sense that the company had put driving pleasure above everything else.
Then it did a Coca-Cola. The sniper decided he didn’t want to be a sniper any more and changed the damn recipe. So we ended up with four-wheel-drive cars that were made in America, and two-seater convertibles, and a wide range of diesel engines. And then it put a chap called Chris Bangle in charge of design.
Before Bangle, most BMWs adhered to the same set of rules. They had a lean-forward shark’s nose, they had the double-kidney grille, they had grey paint and then there was that little kink on the rear pillar. It’s called the Hofmeister kink, after the man who invented it, and it gives the car an aggressive, lean-forward stance.
Now, though, all of these design cues have been lost in a sea of planes and creases that probably play well in design circles. But in the real world they don’t look modern or sharp. They look daft.
Still, at least the BMW badge continued to count for something. Apart from dipping their toe into the mass market with the truly awful 3-series Compact, Beemers were always a cut above norm. They were what you bought to demonstrate that life was treating you well.
Only now, with the launch of the 1-series, this last bastion of BMWishness has gone. Because the 1-series, like a Focus or an Astra or a Golf, is a five-door family hatchback.
For now, of course, this is great. It means a large number of people who could never afford a BMW in the past can put that blue and white badge on their drive. The neighbours will be impressed. The curtains will twitch. Men will offer their daughters to your sons.
But how long will it be, I wonder, before the 1-series does for BMW what Freddie Laker did for air travel? Turns something glamorous and exciting into a “win free save!” orgy of packaged mass transportation.
In the early Seventies, if you went to Florida for your holidays you were seen as pretty cool. But now you’re seen as a rather stupid oik.
The 1-series will be the ruination of the BMW brand. Of that I have no doubt. But at the moment, despite the lost vision and the appointment of Bangle, that ruination has not yet got into its stride. For now you can still buy a Beemer and survive the experience with your dignity intact. The question is, should you? And to answer that, we have to work out if the 1-series is any good.
The advertisements tell us, endlessly, that unlike any other family hatchback on the market it has rear-wheel drive. And that’s great. Rear-wheel drive is a significant part of BMW’s DNA.
In a front-wheel-drive car the front wheels have to deal with the steering and the delivery of the engine’s power to the road. It’s a tough job and in most cases, for the purist at least, the end result is deeply unsatisfying. With rear-wheel drive the back wheels do the power delivery, leaving those at the front to get on with steering. It’s a much more expensive option but the result is balance. And balance is a building block on which something spectacular can be created.
You can feel the benefits, immediately, in the 1-series. Even at normal, trundling-about speeds it feels more together than even the Focus, king of the front-drivers.
There’s more, too. In the Beemer you have a thick steering wheel, a short-throw gearchange, and an antilock braking system that cuts in when you’re in real trouble and not because it can’t be bothered to work out when that moment might be. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that as a driving machine this is a significant cut above the hatchback norm.
And now, here comes the but, galloping over the hills with news of many, many problems that will leave you wishing, with all your heart, that you’d bought something else.
First of all there’s the styling. Now I know that when it comes to hatchbacks familiarity breeds indifference. The new Astra is a truly stunning piece of design, but like pylons you see so many you simply don’t notice the grace and cleverness. The BMW, however, is just plain ugly. It may have the double headlamps and the kidney grille and the Hofmeister kink, but viewed as a whole it looks like a van.
So what about the engine? Well, the petrol version will get you from 0 to 60 in about two hours, so if you want any poke at all, and surely that’s the reason why you’re buying a BMW, you have to go for the diesel. It’s not a bad diesel by any standards, but come on. Where’s the fun in a car that sounds like a canal boat? So it’s slow and ugly and now things really go downhill because thanks to the prop shaft and all the other rear-wheel-drive gubbins, there is no space in the back. And I don’t mean that legroom is limited. I mean there is absolutely none at all.
Even BMW says this car will sell to young people with no children, but this is silly. If you have no children, why buy a family hatchback? Because you want a big boot? Well forget that as well, because in the 1-series it’s tiny.
And then there’s the ride, which thanks to the fitment of run-flat tyres is intolerable on anything but a kitchen work surface, and the quality of some trim pieces, which will disappoint those who may have expected granite rather than Plasticine.
But the worst thing about the 1-series is the prices. In the past BMWs were expensive because they were demonstrably better, and more exciting, than all of their rivals. But the 1-series, as we’ve seen, is demonstrably worse.
And yet for the top-of-the-range diesel you are asked to pay £20,700, and anything up to £32,000 if you go berserk with the options list. Even if you show some self restraint you’d be lucky to put a car like this on the road for less than £23,000, and I’m sorry, but you can have two hatchbacks for that.
Park one of these on your drive and the neighbours will not think, “Hmm, that’s an expensive car. He must be doing well.” They’ll think, “Hmm, that’s an expensive car. He must be off his rocker.” You can have a Golf GTI for less, and that, in almost every single way, is a better car.
So if you want a hatchback, buy a Focus. If you want a hatchback with some go, buy the VW. If you just want some action and you don’t care about space in the back, or a hard ride, or the price, buy a sports car. A Honda S2000 would be fine.
I have been accused, in recent years, of having it in for BMW. There was even some talk, after my recent review of the dreadful X3, that I would not be allowed any more press demonstrators. And this is why I’ve devoted the entire column this week to a test of the 1-series rather than tagging it on to the end of a rant about cheese.
And it’s why I’m choosing the words for my conclusion with even more care than usual. So here goes. The 1-series is crap.
VITAL STATISTICS
Model BMW 120d Sport
Engine type Four-cylinder, 1995cc
Power 163bhp @ 4000rpm
Torque 250 lb ft @ 2000rpm
Transmission Six-speed manual, rear-wheel drive
Fuel/CO2 49.6mpg (combined) / 152g/km
Tyres 205/55 R 16
Acceleration 0-62mph: 7.9sec
Top speed 137mph
Price £20,700
Verdict Handles well but essentially pointless
Rating 1/5
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i got my 1 series 120d se 12 months ago i think its a nice car very quick of the mark for a diesel handles well and good on fuel and its alot quicker than the golf gti the only down side is the plastic interior that sqeaks now and again.
A YALLOP, norwich, england
I test drove the seat leon, golf se, new ford focus whilst looking to change my 1st generation focus, and I ended up with the 118D (for the wife) im pleased with it, it was certainly the best to drive and internal build quality was on par/ a little better then the golf of the same age.
Steve B, Surrey, UK
Bought a 120dsport used 3 years old 55k, great solid car, good performance from the motor (previous 200sx owner) and enough room for two and small kids but larger adult behind driver very restricted.
Good handling, nice build, doesn't live pto 49, more 42 on country/urban roads, get 17" wheels!
mark, durham, uk
So the people who like them think they have made the right choice for financial reasons! I think JC has made his point!!
Ian, Kidderminster,
It costs about one third more than a Focus or Astra. But it is a premium brand and should hold its value incredibly well. It will still sell for a significant premium after 2-3 years.
Colin, London, UK
If anyone thinks the BMW 1 series looks good they should see the cars which inspired it - the 1950's Triumph Mayflower and Renown.
It may be a BMW but the Brits are obsessed with the brand - and this one is a dog, my son had a 3 door 120d and only kept it for 3 months.
Colin Simpson, Coventry, England
I am now on my second 1 series and its Fantastic! Its the only car I have ever bought 2 off ,it is that good! Excellent handling and performance and with the introduction of Efficient Dynamics Technology the economy is very good! I am getting around 45-47 mpg from a 118 Petrol with fairly mixed driving conditions. They are cheap to service due to Condition based servicing and service packs and as a result of road tax changes in the future my road tax will go down! I have not gone back to the dealer with any issues having covered 37000 miles in both cars. I also know alot of other owners who really enjoying their 1 series. Clarkson you are a real clown!
Tony, West Midlands,
I don't really think Clarkson takes himself any more seriously than the rest of us. He is contoversial humour epitomised. He does it fo rthe fun of it and we pay for his pleasure... I love my new 2007 120D M-Sport, os stick that in your sensible car and smoke it. I don't care what you think. I wish you liked it too though. He is right about Bangle, but biaised or not the 1 Series is least affected. On the other hand- the 7 series? That boot looks like the picnic hamper sticking out the boot of 1970's Citroen 2CV
Alan Smith, Edinburgh,
I find Jeremy Clarkson amusing, clever and great evening entertainment. However he does exaggerate just about everything - entertaining he is BUT accurate he is not!
Just about everyone in the car business I know who knows him recognises that he can't drive for a start (kills everything) and no one loves Clarkson more than Clarkson. This I have experienced first hand.
With that question mark over his views, I can say that as a recent 118d owner (after 14 years of successive GTi's) that the 1 series is impressive. I got the above not for performance, but economy and combination of comfort and handling over long distances and in that it performs. If you drive economically then it really performs!
I was an Audi fan ever since we got the 4th RS2 delivered to the UK ages ago, but after an awful experience with an A3 recently, I was persuaded to try a BMW and I have no comlaints yet.
We've never seen Clarkson do a lap in his reasonably priced car. I wonder why?!
Ed, London,
i must say i like jeremy and value his comments but i have to dissagree with him i love my bmw 120d sports and when i park at my local golf club i find people saying to me what a nice car it is. my mate in his golf gti never gets a mention and thats because the golf has turned into a bit of a scallys car now while the bmw just ooze class.
matthew, radcliffe, manchester
I can't think of another car in it's class that looks as desirable, it's not the quickest and if you want that wow factor you buy a porcshe not a BMW, it handles like it's on rails and it's fun, but it did take a few months to get used to it after owning a golf for so long. also if you want a large family car you buy a larger car (or a Range Rover) I'm sure many other owners of this car would agree, but I can comtably fit a golden retriever in the boot and have two children in the rear. I was definitly not a bmw fan before but I am now.
Emma, Peterborough, Cambs
For a hatchback, the 1 series is stylish, quick, and handles well. I like it.
Jon Cooper, Nottingham,
I'll keep my Z3 Coupe hatchback! it's funny how the one series looks like a Z3 coupe and fails so badly at looking good! :)
Jeremy loved the Z3, I love it since i got it 7 yrs ago, i wont sell it and get anything inferior! It's fun all day long and if there's a race track around, it's like a black hole, you're drawn to it. Then you realize BMW doesn't make sports cars but comfortable touring cars... :(
No way i'll take an S2000 over a Z3Coupe... Just MOHO...
MonsieurX, Luxembourg, Luxembourg
Here in the US we will not have the opportunity to get the 5-door 1-series. Too bad really, as we have to suffer with front-drivers such as the Audi A3, Mazda 3, Volkswagen Rabbit (a.k.a. Golf in the rest of the civilized world). Instead, BMW of North America has decided that the two door coupe and cabrio are all we're allowed to receive. We're also limited to the 128i and 135i models, both of which are over-priced even before you begin to add options. While both are quick and should be amazing performance cars, they are limited in their usability. And with the cost of gasoline (petrol) climbing higher and higher every week, the US spec 1-series becomes even less of choice for consumers.
As for Jeremy's review of the 1-series, he brings up some good points, unfortunately, his opinions are clouded by his dislike of BMW products. For me, the 1-series, especially the coupe, is a bit of a throwback to the days of the E30, reminiscent of my '91 318ic except with way more power.
Mark Gold, Sacramento, California, USA
I bought the 118d because of the positive reviews and green features. The MPG isn't bad but don't believe a word of the 60.1. Even driving like I am on my driving test the best I have managed is 51. I challenged BMW and I received a corporate response along the lines of '60.1 was achieved in test conditions blah blah blah'
If I throw caution to the wind and am happy to settle for 48 mpg the 1 series is a great drive.
Richard, Yorkshire,
Have owned a 116i SE for almost a year and am delighted with its roadholding, looks and reliability. The ride is a bit firm..has anyone ever fitted Michelin radial tyres ?.....would be interesting to find out ! As for lack of room ..Well being only five foot five tall has its advantages !!!!!
Richard. N Wales.
Richard, Bangor,
The only point worth making is that it is a REAR WHEEL DRIVE. No other cars in it's class are therefore it wins.
Danny, Leigh, UK
the prob is no one in the uk cares about driving any more & are obsessed by looks!my 120d sport in sydney blue looks great to some and distinctive to others and in that colour/spec its quite a rare sight.decent alloys and some sporty kit essential on cheaper models tho.i dont like the very back at the side but so what!golfs and focus's are hardly pretty! the leon looks better but cant match the drive and refinement and are burdened with boring front wheel drive like EVERY other car in the class.i go to car parks at night when it rains to practice drifting and sliding etc! i assure you this much fun cant be had in a cheaper car thats better on space. i like how clarkson,who i generally agree with,shows u the rear space with the front seats fully back & everyone swallows it! the rides firm with run flat tyres & prices are high so buy a 1-2 year old one if its not a company car! bmw are tight but keen drivers need this car in this boring class!http://www.channel4.com/4car/rt/bmw/1-series
rearwheeldrive, Doncaster,
As a diesel its got enough poke for normal road conditions but that is its problem, do 2 hours non-stop at 200kms even on the German Autobahns and you'll know about it (and not in a nice way) As for design well theres not a BMW on the market that looks good! worse still this car is unpracticle, no room´; rubbish boot; rubbish stash spaces and to top it all,
who put the cup holder UNDER the arm rest - sehr stupid!
Steve, frankfurt, Germany
Why have BMW decided to build a car to compete with itself?
They first make the new mini which is a ghastly, ugly oversized thing which is only driven by women or hairdressers. Then they build the 1 seris Which is an even uglyer thing, where you are just paying a lot for the badge.
The old 3 seris was a nice looking motor, but the new 5 seris, 3 seris and 1 seris all have major styling issues.
It's true what Clarkson says if you buy a Beemer these days you've got no imagination!
Tim, Shropshire, UK
I think it was an improvement from the 3 Series compact. At least its not a 3er after being "kissed" in the boot by a lorry. Inside its the worst bit. It's too small to be comfortable, and it seems to be lacking a lot of stuff you'd normally get in a Beemer. If you want a nice small(er) car with a nice badge, get the C-Class Sportcoupé.
John Neves, Lisbon, Portugal
I see dozens of these things on my way from Chertsey to Kingston each day, mostly they look as if they're being driven from the back seat, which must be a great topic of conversation if yoiu had 4 people in it.
It does look like a van with glass where the metal panels should be, but then I'm not a fan of Beemers they only make 2 things worth talking about, the engine and the suspension, the rest is garbage.
Peter, Chertsey, UK
Its what you are all about Jeremy. Anybody that can make me laugh that much deserves to be a multi millionaire.
Allan Macintyre, Glasgow, UK
I was thinking of buying one too, despite the price, not least because there's no better looking car in production. However, the thought that Jeremy Clarkson hates it adds immeasurably to its appeal. Where's my cheque book...
Sean, Sutton,
I would have to totoally disagree. I've got a 120d M Sport and it drives perfectly. I think it looks great and far less common than Golfs. The Focus doesn't even come close as a driver's car, the steering is loose and the brakes not as sharp. The room in the back is fine for an occassional passenger, but if you need to carry four people on a regular basis you'd need to upsize. In short this car is excellent for two peole, has good fuel consumption and great performance for most people.
Nathan, Midlands,
I have the 116i version. It is ponderously slow, woefully thirsty, the fitments are cheaply made ( the plastic burr on the handbrake threatens to sever my thumb) the steering wheel trim is so low rent it makes me physically wince. There is no fun in driving this thing except using the parking distance sensor. The dealers are very good, that still doesn't stop me despising it for being a reliable vehicle.
Michael Spencer, London,
Clarkson old man, you have been very remiss considering the length of the review. You forgot entirely about the 1 series dashboard, finished in a tacky plastic that artfully mirrors an elephant's scrotum minus the hair.
There are hours of fun to be had tapping said crass material then checking the steering wheel to confirm that yes, this is a BMW. The array of switches have a similar airfix feel to them and the CD system is just pitiful.
You have managed to touch on the lack of rear space, but forget that once you have risked a subdural haematoma by daring to try and get into the damn thing you risk chafing your left shoulder against the right shoulder of your passenger from then onwards. What BMW have managed to achieve therefore is a 4 door hatchback that can comfortably seat one person.
I won't even mention the Jason King awfulness of the slide forward panel on the "Sports" seat as there is no word to describe how truly excrementally bad it is.
Dan, Hampton, UK
Have to agree with Jeremy, having had the 118d for a month or so. Handles beautifully (apart from occasional spasms from the steering), but the design is awful. The interior is tiny for the size of the car - my old Clio had more room. The Golf is far superior and cheaper as well. If you're more concerned about the badge on your car than the driving machine you can get within your budget then you are a cretin and do not deserve a driving licence.
Killmiddlelanehoggers, Wolverhampton, UK
I totally disagree with your article, 1 Series is the best looking car in the "family hatchback" category, especially the one in titanium its stunning. It does get people's attantion. Golf is far too common and the prices arnt that much different if you talk about buying a brand new top of the range Golf. 1 Series is an ideal car for people who dont like salon or coupe and i am planning to buy one soon.
Rob and Dave, Wokingham, Berkshire
Jeremy is right. All current BMW cars are now very ugly. Having had Beemers for 25 years the very beautiful E46 convertible will be my last. The styling features common to all series that were pleasing to the eye have been lost. Now there is a common ugliness to the family. Don't the Board review the styling before the drawings are frozen?
Michael Davis, East Preston, England
I agree with Jeremy. This piece of automotive cak is for those with values based purely on snobbery. BMW's are driven by wannabe's, 1 series by wannabe's wives.
Neil, York, UK
OK, so its not the prettiest car on the road but it's not that bad; it has much more style that the Golf, be it a GTi or not. And if you want/need a hatchback for maximum versitiliy, its the only one that BMW do. Lasttly, who says you only buy a beamer for the oomph? What about solidity, quality and style. Ive had four and just bought my fifth. And is I've been driving for more years that I care to remember in BMW's, Ferraris, Rolls,Mercs etc. I think Im qualified to make that judgement. Doest ypour article bear just a teeny weeny bit of journalistic sensalialism that th media is known for!
Alan Dover, Tadcaster, North Yorkshire
The 120d isn't a bad car. It averages 40mpg, does 0-60 in less than 8 seconds, has a 6-speed manual, rear wheel drive, and since it's a diesel, it has loads of low end torque, which makes it easier and more entertaining to drive. It may be pricey, (which isn't unusual for a bimmer), but it does a good job at combining practicality with performance. And since it's cheaper than most bimmers, people that arn't particularily wealthy can actually afford to buy one.
Tom, Winnepeg, Canada
Thanks Jeremy, I was thinking of buying one of these! I had three 3 series and two 5 series and wanted to downsize but you assessment has put paid to that idea!
John O'Shea, Canterbury, England
As usual, absolutely wonderfull!!
Mark Bakr, Abu Dhabi, UAE