Pamela Stephenson-Connolly explores taboos in her new book: "We conveniently forget what horny little beasts we were as kids." Photo: Edwina Pickles
Comedian turned psychologist Pamela Stephenson-Connolly has a lot to say about sex.
'YOU can tell an awful lot about a person's sexuality by the language they use,'' says psychologist Dr Pamela Stephenson-Connolly. ''The phrase 'down there', for example, is a dead giveaway.''
What it reveals is a discomfort with sex: a reluctance to use the correct names of genitals, perhaps, or a slight anxiety about all things carnal. And as Stephenson-Connolly argues in her new book Sex Life: How Our Sexual Experiences Define Who We Are, we are often hampered by prudishness, misconceptions and a futile desire to be ''normal''.
Yet, paradoxically, we live in a world of racy billboards, titillating magazine articles and explicit websites. Many of us, it seems, are less confronted by hardcore pornography than the prospect of an honest, realistic discussion about sex.
Pamela Stephenson-Connolly with husband, comedian Billy Connolly. Photo: Reuters
With a chapter devoted to each stage of sexual development - from our first months in the womb to our 90s - Sex Life draws on 340 interviews with respondents from Australia, America and Britain.
While it's not a ''how to'' manual, it does offer guidance and counters many myths. And not just the one about Coca-Cola being a spermicide; rather, Stephenson-Connolly begins by tackling the common misconception that children are asexual.
In fact, ultrasounds have captured male foetuses with tiny erections while infant girls also display signs of involuntary arousal. ''We conveniently forget what horny little beasts we were as kids,'' she laughs. ''Of course, there's a surge of hormones at puberty but there is exploration in childhood, too.''
But such exploration provokes unease in many parents, who react with sharp disapproval. And when a child receives such negative messages, it can have a profound effect on their adult sexuality.
As Stephenson-Connolly points out, it was barely a century ago that girls were strapped into chastity belts, while some boys would retire to bed with their penises rigged to a string of bells, allowing parents to intervene at the first sign of impure thoughts. It's not surprising that traces of these attitudes still colour our beliefs.
''But it's helpful to remember that our view of sex is transitory because it puts things into perspective,'' says the 61-year-old, who was born in New Zealand and grew up in Australia.
She found fame in 1980 on the British sketch comedy Not the Nine O'Clock News, where she met comedian Billy Connolly, to whom she is now married and has three daughters. In the early 1990s, she qualified as a clinical psychologist, specialising in sex therapy, and was a founder and president of the Los Angeles Sexuality Centre and an adjunct professor at the California Graduate Institute.
It's clear that Stephenson-Connolly is used to the role of interviewer: several times in our chat, she responds to questions with one of her own. But these are not attempts to deflect. She's a naturally curious person who is able to put her subjects at ease, making it easy to see why the testimonies in her book are so frank.
Unfortunately, frankness is not a feature of most sex education classes, which often involve little more than a red-faced biology teacher rolling a condom onto a banana. ''We need to give kids more than just the anatomical details and the safety messages,'' Stephenson-Connolly says. ''If we're not telling them that sex is pleasurable, then we're not telling them the truth.''
Perhaps the most illuminating chapters of her book are those concerning sexuality in older adults. Not only is it assumed - falsely - that one's desires fall away after 60, older generations must contend with judgments and stereotypes.
''I write a column for the Guardian,'' she says, ''and I got a letter from a man who's 92 and he's having sex with a woman in her 80s. He asked me, 'Should we be doing this? Is this wrong?' and I said, 'It's fantastic, keep going.' ''
Having practised as a psychotherapist for 17 years, Stephenson-Connolly has observed the growing influence of free, abundant pornography on the internet. ''Young men come into my practice and they say, 'There's something wrong with my girlfriend, she doesn't look like other women down there. Then it emerges that the women they've been looking at are … from porn.
''And at some point, everybody seems to worry, 'Am I normal?' and they think that everybody is having more sex, or more exciting sex, than they are.
''What I wanted to do with this book was show that there's no such thing as 'normal'; that there are many different orientations and styles of sexuality and sexual paths.
''As long as it's safe, sane and consensual, then anything goes.''
Dr Pamela Stephenson-Connolly is speaking at an Age/Dymocks book event at 6.30 tonight at CQ Functions, 113 Queen Street, Melbourne. Tickets: 9660 8500.
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