state your name/age/occupation

my name is max landis / i am 28 very recently / i’m a screenwriter and a director and sort of a minor league impresario

what’s it like being a single, successful guy in LA?

well the times when your single, well i can’t equate because i’m kind of a good looking guy, and i have a very outgoing personality so like a lot of the girls i end up hooking up with aren’t girls who came at me because i was successful. generally when they meet me they’re not aware that i’m successful, and they way i live isn’t like ‘ballin’ – i drive an ’05 civic. i throw big parties, but outside of that sort of ‘Gatsby – who am i? let’s throw a huge party and try to find out’ shit i don’t live a showy life. also the chicks i end up hooking up with i always like. so, so far being a single successful guy in LA has been great, but being a single guy for me has always been kinda great. the one thing that’s changed is certain chicks, which only started happening very recently, when they find out i’m a director, will open up a lot quicker.

you mean their legs?

everything – their legs, their personality. they’ll start crying to you in an instant.

oh god, why?

because they’re trying to leave an impression.

does it leave an impression?

yea, but it’s people doing a bad job at leaving a good impression. for example, extras on my set would just throw it at me hard in a way that i’ve never experienced. i mean everyone’s had that thing where you’re like making eye contact with someone at a party and you it’s on, but this was different than that. this was chicks coming up to me and being like ‘what’re you doing at lunch? i’ll come to your trailer!’ and i was like ‘i don’t know who the fuck you are!’ my experience of chicks throwing themselves at you like that – they’re always fucking crazy. no chick worth hooking up with is going to throw it at you because it means they’re crazy. i gave this girl my number – i was really stupid – because i was like why not? maybe i’ll hook her up with one of my friends.

might as well share the wealth

yea i wanted to hook her up with a newly single friend of mine. she started texting me every 15 minutes and i wouldn’t respond, i told her to stop texting me. i’d be on set directing and she would be like ‘why? what’s wrong? do you hate me? i know how you guys are’ and i was like ‘what the fuck are you talking about?’ and it immediately read unhealthy to me. unhealthy and anxious. women who are throwing it that easy – they’re not doing it because they think i’m cute, they’re doing it because they need some kind of validation. i’m a tiny, tiny bit successful, but in the scale of things you’re gonna fuck me for no reason? i don’t see it. i’m not on that level. i’m not a rockstar – i’m not in a band, you’re not going to be in my video. the only thing you could get from fucking me is getting to fuck me, and if so, lucky you. i guarantee that’s not what any of these chicks who just throw it at me really want. granted they’ll have a wonderful time, but it’s weird. being a single guy in LA is fun as fuck and i love it. the fact that everyone here is so good-looking is intense and good and rewarding. something about everyone around you being a little bit better looking, it puts you in a good mood. i don’t feel bad or superficial for saying that. i’m also attracted to ambition and there’s a lot of that out here. but yea being a single guy in LA is great. sorry it took me so long to answer that question.

haha no worries. so are you seeing anyone right now?

yea, we’re getting there. we’re about to flip to long distance. actually we were very close friends for years and years.

i’ve noticed that pattern with you.

well it all depends. my hook up patterns are extremely random. like i generally hook up with people i know i enjoy. i very rarely hook up with a random person it’s always someone who i think is funny or i think they’re cute and _______. it’s never just because i think they’re cute. hooking up for me – i consider myself rare amongst guys in that i still sort of think of hooking up with me as like a privilege someone could have? respect the pussy. i’m always in this place where i never really want a girlfriend because i’m so scared and have done so many fucked up things..

like what specifically?

i’ve been in some super fucked up things. the most fucked up thing was that i cheated on a girl who i also gave a crippling social anxiety, self-loathing, body dismorphia, eating disorder to. i mean you can’t really give someone any of these things, but the seeds of these things were there inside of her. we were in such a sort of unfair, fucked up relationship – not the kind where there’s a lot of yelling and screaming – the actual relationship was very nice and loving, but i was so fickle about her body. i’m not shy, i would just blurt out shit all the time. she ended up completely changing how she dressed and how she looked for me. that chick will never talk to me again.

no she won’t 

it also took her like a year to realize that this happened. after we broke up she came out of it like a trance and decided that she hated me forever, which even now i don’t know is really fair because there was a lot of moving pieces of that relationship. that said, i’m the bad guy in that relationship 100%. looking back at it i totally destroyed that girl and i really loved her.

how old were you when this happened?

i was 23 when it ended and 21 when it started. i wrecked her because she was there to be wrecked, basically. and i really loved her, that was the sad part about it. and then like i’ve cheated on a lot of chicks.

why did you cheat?

insecurity. it depends, i could give you a million reasons why i’ve cheated and they’d all be accurate. one of the big ones is that i just decide i want to do it and then i do. it’s never about the girl i’m dating. this girl is really special, but i think in the past- it’s always about the opportunity, and where I’m at in my life. which i guess is even shallower. the more stable of a place personally i’m at the less chance there is i’ll do it and I think that says a lot about cheating in general. it’s an introspective act of selfishness. you can get into the psychological reasons of it -

well that’s just pure selfishness

yea, but selfish isn’t enough. there’s always other things, worse things, behind selfishness. i can tell you why i think i really do it – opportunity. i think i’m a guy who seizes every opportunity out of fear that it won’t be there again. so let’s say i’m dating someone, i meet a girl who’s clearly down to fuck. i’m mainly doing it because if i don’t fuck that girl now, when will i fuck that girl? i lose the opportunity.

what about the girl you’re dating?

it’s never about the girl i’m dating – it’s always about the opportunity, which is even shallower. that’s why my advice to anyone who wants to cheat on their girlfriend is if you have the urge to cheat on your girlfriend – jerk off. it sounds obvious but it’s not. jerking off changes your entire thinking about situations, especially for dudes. guys who are reading this: have you every jerked off and then tried to look at porn and porn is just boring? that’s because once you cum you’re not going to watch the rest of it, mission completed. like i’ve been halfway through planning on cheating on a girl (texting another girl to meet up etc.) and then just jerked off and stopped texting that girl. they’re like ‘what time do you want me to come over?’ and i’m like ‘i have a girlfriend, back off!’ haha. it all comes from the fact that ultimately cheating comes from the fact of not thinking. it’s not thinking about yourself first, i mean i think that type of cheating exists too, but my type of cheating has always just been ‘well i guess i’ll just do this, this seems fun’ and then later i beat myself up about it and i feel guilty. except for one time in my dating history, i’ve ultimately confessed to cheating. i always do it because i feel shitty afterwards, but at the same time why did i do it in the first place? i don’t know. selfishness, insecurity, the need for approval, the need to take that opportunity, and also sex is fun and it’s fun to get a lot of blow jobs. it’s just a moment of prioritizing ‘oh this will be fun’ versus ‘am i going to hurt someone’ which is the dark side about it.

do you think you’ll ever change your cheating ways? do you think you need to just find ‘the one’?

i don’t think that anyone will ever change it. i don’t think i’ll find someone and think ‘oh this is the one i’ll never cheat on’. i think it has to come from me, and i’m trying. i think also the fact that i ultimately don’t take many of my relationships super seriously ..

why not?

mm…. because i don’t give a fuck. i mean i like the girl but i wish there was a way to like the girl without needing to be so connected to them. my insecurities stop me from being in an open relationship because to me it diffuses the point of a relationship. i’ve had real regular hook ups that i’ve had for like a year, but we were not in an open relationship. i’ve also never had a hook up go bad on me. maybe it’s because i just suck at sex or something – i don’t think i do. i’ve never had a hook up ask me to be in a relationship, but i’ve had girlfriends tell me that we’d need to go to the next level and that always causes a thing.

thoughts on booty calls?

i’ve been ‘fuck-zoned’ by a couple of chicks. i’ve been ‘fuck-zoned’ more than i have been ‘friend-zoned’, i don’t know what that says about me. booty calls for me are a dream. i hate when chicks aren’t real about it, that really bothers me.

what do you mean by ‘not real’ like not accepting that it’s a booty call?

yea. also chicks who are booty calling you trying to act like ‘let’s get drinks’ etc. or refusing to be straight up. they’ll text you at like 1am and be like ‘what you doin? where you at? sup?’ and it’s like i’m probably at home or out drunk somewhere, probably horny looking for you haha. so why is it always just games?

so you’d rather just have a girl be like ‘hey let’s fuck’?

no i’d rather them be like ‘wanna hang out?’ or anything that doesn’t force it into the standard patriarchal dynamic of me having to ask them to come over. it’s always me always having to ask them to come over. this is the conversation girl: ’hey’ me: ’hey’ girl: ‘what’s up?’ me: ‘not much you?’ girl: ‘not much’. like you don’t have to say you want to fuck but you can say ‘let’s hang out’ or whatever. people will also say ‘i’m in your hood’ which is the closest thing to saying ‘i want to fuck’. it’s such a weird dynamic. also when you do booty calls 9 times out of 10 you’re so on their schedule and you can’t booty call them. that happens to me a lot with girls. i have this chick who’s always in and out of relationships, who shall remain nameless, who is serious about relationships like she’s going to get engaged, and we will have crazy wonderful sex and she won’t talk to me once she’s back in a relationship. she’ll ignore me for like a year and then one day at 2am she will text me like ‘hey babe it’s so weird i’m on wilton right now’ and so of course i’m going to do it, but still it would have been nice if she hadn’t immediately unfriended me when she fucking got into a relationship and then re-friends me as soon as she’s out of it.

would you consider yourself a sexual person?

yea, very. extremely. i lost my virginity all in one shot. i had never kissed a girl, i had never gotten a blow job, i had never done anything with a girl. then this chick came over to my house and we started making out and she was like ‘does your door lock?’ which it didn’t, but the door to my bathroom did, so we go in the bathroom at my parents house. she was 17 and i was 15. i was a weird ass, charlie manson kind of kid, and this chick proceeds to give me like one of the most intense sexual experiences of my life. She’d done stuff before and was super confident and knew exactly what she wanted so I felt like the mother fucking Terminator, I thought I was fucking Shaft, I thought I was tarzan, and the whole time i was thinking how easy it all was and how i wanted to do it everyday. then the next chick i hooked up with had never had sex before and it was a different experience haha. it was so awkward. i didn’t have good sex like the girl i lost it to for another four years. every time it would be a train wreck – i’d either cum real quick or get a bad blow job or it would hurt them or i’d fuck up foreplay somehow. then finally, when i started having good sex again wasn’t until i was about 20. every year the sex i’ve had gets better, like a lot better, and i’m more comfortable with it. i think people perceive me as a very sexual person – i flirt a lot, even with guys. my personality is very flirtatious and coy. there’s a lot of eye contact and touching. even if you’re not down i’ll come at you like jack sparrow.

have you hooked up with guys before?

oh yeah. i went through a period of being down for guys because i thought i was gay.

why did you think you were gay?

because i have a mood disorder and i think a lot of weird shit that isn’t right. but uh, i thought that maybe it was something i wanted to do and then i did it a fair amount of times and afterwards i was like ‘you do not have a vagina’ and it was weird how clutch that became. also i’m just not that attracted to dudes. it’s one of those things where i was kind of just doing it to do it, which is never a good reason to hook up with someone. it created really bad relationships with me and dudes where they would really like me and i’d be completely whatever on them. i left some dudes broken hearted.

what’re you attracted to?

generally i’m attracted to confidence, outgoingness, being funny. i really like when people think that i’m funny because lord knows not everyone does. ever since i was 15 and i saw before sunrise i’ve been really attracted to chemistry, like anyone who it’s easy for me to talk to. or even anyone who it’s easy for me to listen to – i don’t even have to be talking. if i can listen to them talk about bullshit for hours, odds are i’ll want to get down with them eventually. there’s all sorts of other specific shit that i’m into. i like women who know their bodies. i’m into women who enjoy sex – you’d think everyone likes sex but some people don’t. i know people who are just faking it to make it at everything they do. it’s a fucking bummer.

i don’t get fake people – like why fake it when you can get off? haha

I can’t date chicks who haven’t figured out their orgasms. I’ve met a lot of chicks who don’t or can’t cum during sex but still go on and on about how much they love sex and it throws me a little because I’m like, do you though? maybe it’s my insecurity talking but it’s always kind of a turn off, and I think most women feel the same. i’ve seen women LOSE THEIR MINDS with insecurity, anger and anxiety if the guy doesn’t cum or loses his erection, so I guess it kinda runs both ways. i guess you’ve just gotta be super comfortable.

do you think that more girls should ask for what they want/need in bed?

of course! women should always be honest about what they want: 1. it’s sexy 2. if you’re not being honest about what you want, you’re not going to get it. what is this russian roulette? you’re going to let a guy dick you 6 times so you can get an orgasm once? maybe i’m shallow but i think of sex as a goal oriented activity.

what’s the worst sexual experience you’ve ever had?

i hooked up with this girl who i didn’t really like that much. she was a really bad kisser. i didn’t know her well and i was still getting used to having casual sex with people. i went to this girl’s dorm room and i fucked her and it was so bad off the bat. she was laying really still and weird. i had to cum immediately i think from anxiety. i fucked this girl for like 20 seconds, i premie immediately, i’m so embarrassed, and then this girl is like ‘that was amazing‘ which makes it even more gross and weird that she was acting like she was into it. i’m like dude there’s no way that was great. it was just a gross experience. i felt very human in a way i didn’t like. i felt like a gross, human, animal, scum bag guy. afterwards i was just horrified that i had done it. i was so bummed out on myself and my life. it was a bad situation.

do you have a ‘type’ of girl?

i always think they’re beautiful. i don’t know like really interesting. i’ve found i’m drawn to women who people wonder about. people go ‘who would that girl date?’ and generally it’s me haha. there’s something kind of wonderful about that and i’ve always been really proud about that. i’ve never dated a chick who after the fact i was like ‘why did i do that?’ never in my life. i’ve always thought they were interesting people. they’ve all been thin. other than that no. if you lined up the women i’ve dated it would look like the batman villains, they all look different. they’re all totally different people.

have you ever gotten baby fever? do you want to have a family?

do i want a kid? 100% yes. have i ever been like ‘you’re the person i’m going to have a kid with’? 100% no. i’m so fucked up from like mood disorders and fucking crazy behavior and having adhd in a bad way and also being bipolar, that this chick that i’m going to have to marry has to be the most in grounded, smart, in-charge, nurturing person in the world. have i ever had baby fever? no, and i’ve only wanted to get hitched once.

any last words/thoughts/opinions on sex/relationships?

sex is a terrific amount of fun if you’re open about it, but i feel like the minute you stop being open about sex – you start hiding things, you stop being playful, you’re not willing to experiment – it starts to open up holes in your personality. i’ve seen a lot of people settle for sex that they’re not super happy with. i’ve also seen a lot of people lie, cheat and do fucked up shit to get sex that they will be happy with. i think ultimately there has to be some sort of middle ground where you self-actualize. maybe the truth is don’t be with someone you don’t like fucking and don’t fuck someone who you wouldn’t be interested in being with, unless they know that that’s the story. i’m sick of seeing people tie themselves in circles. i wish there was better advice i could give.